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(Fortean Times)   Just in time for Easter: Jesus didn't rise from the dead because he wasn't really dead   (forteantimes.com) divider line 138
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9412 clicks; posted to Main » on 17 Mar 2002 at 10:33 AM (12 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2002-03-17 10:36:34 AM
So jesus used the Mandrake distro?

Hah! a plague of locusts upon Red Hat users.
 
2002-03-17 10:44:33 AM
That's St. Emeril, buster!
 
2002-03-17 10:44:39 AM
Jesus Linux... I'd go for that.
 
2002-03-17 10:44:43 AM
It was mirrors and misdirection, folks

"Boy!..when you die at the Palace, you really DIE at the palace.."
 
2002-03-17 10:48:18 AM
Right, he wasn't "dead." He was a zombie.
 
2002-03-17 10:50:02 AM
Should I do it?

should I?

Give the fundies a reason to get their panties in a wad?
 
2002-03-17 10:52:49 AM
Old Jokes Home (again)

Jesus walks into a hotel, puts a handful of nails down on the counter and says "Put me up for the night".


I know, I'm going to hell.
 
2002-03-17 10:56:38 AM
I wouldn't be surprised, there is already a theory out there that Jesus either pulled off this stunt or had a look alike take his place, and lived happily ever after with his whore friend.

BTW, Jesus was against organized religion. The people who are wrong are his modern "followers," now heatens who belive in something else.
 
2002-03-17 10:56:50 AM
haha Scaryduck


Good stuff.
 
2002-03-17 10:57:42 AM
mmmm.... wadded panties....
 
2002-03-17 10:58:37 AM
Isn't this what Jo-Ho's believe?
 
2002-03-17 10:58:49 AM
Nobody f*cks with the Jesus!
 
2002-03-17 11:01:05 AM
People are always comparing me to Jesus..
'cause I'm always getting nailed...
 
2002-03-17 11:01:40 AM
"As you know, we of the Christian Faith believe that Jesus is not really dead, but that he must let the world think that he is dead.... until he can find a way to control the raging spirit that dwells within him! *hums Incredible Hulk theme*"


Bonus points to whoever recognizes the reference.
 
2002-03-17 11:01:45 AM
Nothing like using mythology to explain even more mythology.
 
2002-03-17 11:02:00 AM
"Chrétien in the 12th century dared to question orthodox beliefs."

Holy shiat, our prime minister really IS old.
 
2002-03-17 11:02:06 AM
I am alive as well.
 
2002-03-17 11:03:15 AM
MeshMan: The JW's don't believe this tripe. They in fact believe what the bible says about Jesus in fact dying on a torture stake(not a cross) and being buried in a tomb. The bible says he ascended to heaven, then re-appeared (in spirit form) later to his disciples and others as a re-affirmation that he was indeed the Christ.

To narcolepsy. No catatonic state. No nap.
 
2002-03-17 11:05:28 AM
Then maybe it's the thought that Jesus hasn't been born yet. I know they have some whacko theory that prevents them from celebrating xmas...
 
2002-03-17 11:08:00 AM
I was going to recommend that everybody check out "Kung-Fu Jesus",but TrailerVision is pay now...Crap!!!
 
2002-03-17 11:11:48 AM
I can't remeber the exact facts about xmas but easter has fark all to do with Jesus, it's the pagan celebration of Estra the eggs are symbols of fertiltiy and the easter bunny is some sort of rabbit god.
 
2002-03-17 11:16:12 AM
He's working down the street at that tire place. And he's not hiding out: he wears a name tag, for cryin out loud!
 
2002-03-17 11:16:45 AM
Jesus may have indeed been a real person, but as someone pointed out above: he was not special. He was one of many perported messiahs that had his group of believers. Amazingly Life of Brian-esque really.
 
2002-03-17 11:27:09 AM
JC killed by govt. David Koresh (sp?) killed by govt. JC had a better publicity machine.
 
2002-03-17 11:29:20 AM
Jesus Christ looks like me
 
2002-03-17 11:29:53 AM
?
 
2002-03-17 11:31:08 AM
So the whole story is a lie? Well I'll be damned!
 
2002-03-17 11:34:32 AM
Jesus is dead, but SATAN lives!

As you all know.
 
2002-03-17 11:48:26 AM
Boxcar, your prayers have been answered.
 
2002-03-17 11:48:55 AM
Ahh fark, let's try that again.
http://www.geocities.com/ResearchTriangle/Node/4081/
 
2002-03-17 11:55:49 AM
An old theory which keeps popping up every now and then. Unbelievers love it. Christ-haters eat it up. THE PASSOVER PLOT was a book about it.

Guess what though. We'll ALL find out the truth sooner or later.

Stay tuned.
 
2002-03-17 12:02:02 PM
If we cease to exist when we die we won't be there to realize it.
 
2002-03-17 12:20:30 PM
FifthColumn: "BTW, Jesus was against organized religion. The people who are wrong are his modern "followers," now heatens who belive in something else."

Gee, that must be why he taught at the Temple all the time.
 
2002-03-17 12:22:34 PM
I'm not dead yet!!
 
2002-03-17 12:25:44 PM
fetus: sorry to correct you, but Jesus is much more of a Debian guy.
 
2002-03-17 12:27:41 PM
I meant this-

I'm getting better!
 
2002-03-17 12:29:48 PM
Forget this woman. This is old news.

Check out Holy Blood Holy Grail for a fascinating read on the theory Jesus didn't die on the Cross, as well as some supposition as to who his blood descendents are.
 
2002-03-17 12:35:13 PM
What Fantasma said is the reason why I don't observe Easter.

As for Xmas I don't care why the JWs don't observe it. I don't observe it 'cause it's a pagan holiday made to look Christian.

Hytes Xian has a good point.
 
2002-03-17 12:47:45 PM
Hey,

Ye of little faith will burn
 
2002-03-17 12:52:47 PM
Jesus actually lived after the cross and went on to have three kids with his wife, Mary Magdeline. No joke. Check it all out here:
http://www.trunkerton.fsnet.co.uk/hidden_history_of_jesus.htm

It's long, but it's a damn good read.
 
2002-03-17 12:53:12 PM
Resident Evil: Code Messiah
 
2002-03-17 01:02:07 PM
"First, the largest component in the opium, morphine, produces rapid breathing"

Yeah, only transiently - ultimately it causes respiratory depression. But then facts would only screw up the article.
 
2002-03-17 01:04:01 PM
FANTASMA:

if im recalling high school Latin and Classical Studies correctly. the date that we commonly refer to as christmas was originally a day for the romans and greek to celebrate Zues. It was supposedly one of the most popular holidays of the time (along with the bachinalia...man, wouldnt that have been fun?!;) and was re-tooled by the romans after they converted.
 
2002-03-17 01:21:19 PM
Actually, Jesus didn't rise from the dead because they forgot to add yeast.
 
2002-03-17 01:24:43 PM
03-17-02 12:02:02 PM Hytes Xian
"If we cease to exist when we die we won't be there to realize it."

IF is the operative word in the above sentence.
 
2002-03-17 01:24:47 PM
paradive: sorry to correct you, but Jesus is much more of a Debian guy.

No, Jesus is slack, like Bob, his father.
 
2002-03-17 01:29:46 PM
03-17-02 10:56:38 AM FifthColumn

"BTW, Jesus was against organized religion."

Oh, He was? Is that why He said: "... and upon this rock I will build my CHURCH." (?)
 
2002-03-17 01:40:39 PM
03-17-02 11:11:48 AM Fantasma
"I can't remeber the exact facts about xmas but easter has fark all to do with Jesus, it's the pagan celebration of Estra the eggs are symbols of fertiltiy and the easter bunny is some sort of rabbit god."

Resurrection Sunday is the real reason that Christians celebrate at Eastertime, not the pagan conception of "Easter." They just so happen to coincide. Somewhat like the birth of Christ (Christmas) was superimposed upon the Roman festival of Saturnalia.
 
2002-03-17 01:43:17 PM
03-17-02 12:52:47 PM Ottobot
"Jesus actually lived after the cross and went on to have three kids with his wife, Mary Magdeline. No joke. Check it all out here:
http://www.trunkerton.fsnet.co.uk/hidden_history_of_jesus.htm

It's long, but it's a damn good read.
"

Yes. Especially if one enjoys adult fantasy.
 
2002-03-17 01:46:51 PM
03-17-02 01:21:19 PM Icenine
"Actually, Jesus didn't rise from the dead because they forgot to add yeast."

Since Jesus said that He was the "Bread of Life," I can see how this makes more *sense* than alot of the posts here.

;^)
 
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