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(Some Guy)   How to have sex, D&D style   ( divider line
    More: Amusing  
•       •       •

67833 clicks; posted to Main » on 22 Jan 2005 at 2:38 AM (13 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

146 Comments     (+0 »)

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2005-01-21 07:29:21 PM  
Best use of the amusing tag I've seen in a long time.
2005-01-21 07:45:19 PM  
2005-01-21 07:57:29 PM  
the next time you have sex, take the dice out again and yell "saving throw against paralysis!" if you make it, pretend that you were just yelling in ecstasy. if, however, you fail the saving throw, refuse to move. if you can, maintain your erection indefinitely, laying (or sitting, or standing) motionless. make it her responsibility to find the clues you've hidden around the apartment that describe the ingredients for the "potion of suppleness." when she makes it and gives it to you, she may be very upset. make sure to tell her, in no uncertain terms, that you played along when she wanted you to stand outside in the cold with a damn boombox and a damn peter gabriel tape, and you caught a cold as a result, not to mention that she wouldn't stop calling you "mister cusack" during the act itself, and the least she could do for you was to mix fruit juice with club soda for you and pretend it was a magic potion, for god's sake.

2005-01-22 12:16:59 AM  
I thought for sure it would be this old favorite:

The Guide to Unlawful Carnal Knowledge

/is female, is a leader of her school's SciFi/gaming club, and does get some...
2005-01-22 01:01:32 AM  
Zathlazip: is female, is a leader of her school's SciFi/gaming club, and does get some...

I think having female and leader of scifi/gaming club in the same sentence automatically qualifies you, if not meaning you get it from any club member you want.
2005-01-22 02:00:47 AM  
Isn't "sex, D&D style" no sex at all?

/obvious and obligatory
2005-01-22 02:46:20 AM  
I might have preferred someone with more familiarity with the actual game, rather than the stereotypical concept of the game.

Nerd indignance aside, that's pretty f*cking funny.
2005-01-22 02:46:58 AM  
Only a +2 of Farking? Ha! I've got a solid five more points than him!

Powerword: Orgasm!
2005-01-22 02:47:23 AM  
/cheers for a nice early morning laugh!
2005-01-22 02:48:26 AM  
I like to cast my Magic Missile at the fine chunk of Night-Elf Ass.
2005-01-22 02:48:42 AM  
i referred to my "male implement" as a "wand of farking +2"

what from the base?
2005-01-22 02:48:50 AM  
That was either the most amusing or stupidest thing I've read today. I'm still not sure which. I suppose there's the vaguest chance that it's both.

Maybe I'll roll a d20 and see if that sheds any light on things.
2005-01-22 02:49:19 AM  

beat me too it man :)
2005-01-22 02:50:07 AM  
Funny stuff!! hahaha
2005-01-22 02:50:59 AM  
Well, you can always play my perpetually unfinished Dancers & Drugees RPG, where you roll dice and rollplay being a hotshot partykid, DJ or promoter in the fast-paced rave/club scene.
2005-01-22 02:51:23 AM  
Why did this horse shiat get the greenlight?!
2005-01-22 02:53:20 AM  
Wand of Farking +2

I was always much fonder of the other popular version: the Rod of Reproduction.
2005-01-22 02:54:32 AM  
A wizard's staff has a knob at the end.
2005-01-22 02:56:13 AM  
I'm a D&D fan and I thought this was tripe.
2005-01-22 02:56:19 AM  
Ha, I forgot there are actual sex guides to D&D. You rolled 1d4 and one and two you were straight, three you were bi-sexual, and four you were homosexual.

They even went into a long list of Magical STDs. You think Herpes will ruin your day just think of an STD which takes your Constitution to one for the rest of your life. Kind of like HIV oh wait
2005-01-22 02:56:22 AM  
[image from too old to be available]
/nuf said
2005-01-22 02:57:27 AM  
I downloaded a copy of this. d20 Book of Erotic Fantasy makes for some hilarious reading.
2005-01-22 02:58:23 AM  
2005-01-22 02:59:45 AM  
not to out myself as a complete and utter dork, but it's been done already
2005-01-22 02:59:53 AM  
I prefer to have sex unix style:

unzip && strip && touch && finger && mount && fsck && more && yes && umount && sleep
2005-01-22 03:00:25 AM  
"my money's falling into my drink! are there any women who could do me a favor and pull this money out?"

Since I'm a dork could somebody explain the idea behind this?
2005-01-22 03:00:55 AM  
D&D Can be fun occasionally. Especially if you're an actor/hang out with actor friends. Especially when you do some of the crazy shiat that we did. Wait, I bet this makes me sound like such a nerd.

/ Gets all the farking he wants
// Makes sure to keep girls away from any aspect of gaming.
2005-01-22 03:01:25 AM  
How to have sex D&D style? Hit it with a....

wait for it...

Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt!
2005-01-22 03:06:56 AM  
I failed my Saving Throw vs. RTFA.
2005-01-22 03:10:54 AM  
Even D&D nerds are getting some?

2005-01-22 03:11:29 AM  
True geeks know that the experts on this topic are Phil and Kaja Foglio.

2005-01-22 03:12:56 AM  
2005-01-22 03:15:34 AM  
I know a man who landed some gorgeous girls in his time. He presently lives with his girlfriend, a woman of supermodel caliber beauty. She pays all the bills, and he basically farks her, goes to work, drinks, goes home, farks her, sleeps, repeat.

He is a longtime D&D gamer friend of mine. We meet regularly to play. I once asked him how he managed to get women. He told me "D&D is every great man's dirty little secret. When I'm here, playing it, my girlfriend thinks I'm hanging out at some refined bookstore, playing chess. It's all in the image, dude,"

Lesson quickly learned:

D&D = Pimply faced loser who jerks it because he has a small....rod of fornication
Chess = Intellectual who is probably also rich, well-endowed, and something else chicks like
2005-01-22 03:17:02 AM  
I feel this is relevant:

[image from too old to be available]

Illustrated by R.K. Milholland, featuring "Mr. Personality," the icon of,(no HTML because fark removes it?) a rather sadisticly amusing webcomic. T-Shirts featuring this image available here.
2005-01-22 03:18:47 AM  
2005-01-22 03:19:36 AM  
"I've got a Dagger of Orc-Slaying +9!"

"You're not there! You're outside the bar!"

"Roll the dice to see if I'm getting drunk."

(rolls dice, sighs) "You are."

"Cool! Are there any girls there? Cause if they are, I want to do them."
2005-01-22 03:20:34 AM  
[image from too old to be available]

Photo linked to publisher's website, probably NSFW.
2005-01-22 03:22:46 AM  
unzip && strip && touch && finger && mount && fsck && more && yes && umount && sleep

Nice one Fantastic_Dan...I've seen that somewhere though...

/ haha!....D&D rocks!
2005-01-22 03:23:47 AM  
Tell Them I Hate Them: I put on my robe and wizard hat...

oh my god. everyone go to the link THIHT linked above. i am literaly crying it was so funny. for those that missed it:
click here(pops)
2005-01-22 03:23:51 AM  
SkOink, glad to see there are Discworld fans in here, too :-)
Actually, in about 16 hours I'll be playing some D&D, but no sex - there's only "fade-to-black" *g*
2005-01-22 03:25:46 AM  

The long an the short of it is he's saying that women are money grubbing whores. Well...he's not saying ALL of them are, but if you flash a wad around, you're sure to attract "that type".

/don't kill the messenger.
2005-01-22 03:26:13 AM  
On a final note, while trying to find the transcript to the Dead Alewives D&D skit (which I couldn't find a farking transcript of! stupid intarweb!), I came across this little piece of info.

It turns out that Tom Hanks, early in his career, starred in a made-for-TV movie (supposedly, a true story...sigh!) called "Mazes & Monsters". One of those anti-D&D fundie X-tian stories about how D&D is evil, evil, EVIL!

2005-01-22 03:27:31 AM  
I second aesorock's opinion and say Tell Them I Hate Them wins the thread! I want more of bloodninjas conversations!
2005-01-22 03:30:04 AM  
MisterSym Plus ten points for style, minus several million for good quoting, yeah?

"Ogres? Aw, man, I got an Ogre-slaying knife! It's got a plus nine against ogres!"

"You're not there! You're getting drunk!"

"Okay, but if there's any girls there I wanna do them!"
2005-01-22 03:30:35 AM  
Well, I'm a level 2 love machine, so I've got an 18 to HIT IT, armor class zero, baby!
2005-01-22 03:33:01 AM  
aesoprock_00: HOLY CRAP! That was friggin' hilarious. So much that I'm $#!+. And I've only read about 4 of them. Had to take a break (currently at work & people are looking at me funny). Can't wait to continue.

Everyone has to read this stuff.
2005-01-22 03:33:29 AM  
unzip && strip && touch && finger && mount && fsck && more && yes && umount && sleep

who | grep -i redhead | talk; cd ~; wine; talk; touch; unzip; touch; strip; gasp; finger; gasp; mount; fsck; more; yes; gasp; umount; make clean; sleep
2005-01-22 03:33:47 AM  
Sorry, razorgrin. That's why I was looking for a transcript.
2005-01-22 03:35:28 AM  
No problem. I'm just being pedantic. I'm actually of Trollish ancestry, so you can ignore at least half of my posts.
2005-01-22 03:37:23 AM  
step one: obtain a significant other with whom you can have sex. this step can either be really easy or really difficult, depending on which sort of person you are

And we need more steps...? Hell, this one pretty much ends the article for D&D players, as far as I'm concerned.
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