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(Some Guy)   How to have sex, D&D style   (waferbaby.com ) divider line
    More: Amusing  
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67828 clicks; posted to Main » on 22 Jan 2005 at 2:38 AM (11 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



146 Comments     (+0 »)
 


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2005-01-22 11:14:47 AM  
i know it's been mentioned already, but in case you HAVEN'T seen it (and I know you won't admit it, even if you haven't), here is a link to:

Lightning Bolt! Lightning Bolt!

I've played D&D (2E only) with normal people, but LARP is so w34k. LARP is l4m3 even for nerds like me.
 
2005-01-22 11:21:46 AM  
i feel sick when i realize that someone THAT WELL VERSED in d&d currently has a sex partner and i don't.
 
2005-01-22 11:33:51 AM  
What about someone well versed in D&D hving a sex partner who is also well versed in D&D?
 
2005-01-22 11:40:47 AM  
Oh sweet lord, how I missed the robe and wizard hat.
That shiat is the funniest shiat on the internet. period.
don't read it at work.
 
2005-01-22 11:46:49 AM  
This may be the worst thing I ever read on the internet.


"I put on my robe and wizard hat..." is definitely among the best, though.

HARRRRRRRRR!
 
2005-01-22 11:51:53 AM  
this is blueracers girlfriend and I have never played d&d...but I think d&d sex sounds fun
 
2005-01-22 12:01:27 PM  
NRFA

Failed saving throw vs. apathy.
 
2005-01-22 12:09:50 PM  
"Okay, she's currently armor class ten, and you're level fifteen... roll to hit. Twelve? Hit! Again. Sixteen? Hit! Again. Eight? Hit! Again. Thirteen? Hit! Again. Eleven? Hit! Again. Twelve? Hit! Again. Eighteen? Hit! Again. One? Ooooooh, sorry, fumble... you broke your weapon."
 
2005-01-22 12:10:58 PM  
A guide to sex for players of D&D:
1. Call up a web browser.
2. Bring up an adequately arousing prOn pic or video.
3. Place your hand on your penis.
4. Rub up and down. Lube optional.

You didn't think a Dorks and Dweebs player was ever going to score with a girl, did you?
 
2005-01-22 12:16:39 PM  
I don't understand why some people make fun of d&d players. In junior high I knew two guys who played and it looked rather difficult. Wouldn't a person have to be somewhat intelligent to master the game?
 
2005-01-22 12:18:44 PM  
macdaddy357

You didn't think a Dorks and Dweebs player was ever going to score with a girl, did you?

What, you think the chicks won't be impressed once they find out I'm level twenty?
 
2005-01-22 12:22:12 PM  
blueracer60

I don't understand why some people make fun of d&d players. In junior high I knew two guys who played and it looked rather difficult. Wouldn't a person have to be somewhat intelligent to master the game?

Kids who don't play D&D who make fun of kids who play D&D do so because they're immature asses who make fun of anything different.

Adults who don't play D&D but who used to play D&D make fun of adults who still play D&D because they think it's time to grow up.

People who play D&D make fun of people who play D&D because it's fun.

Get over it.
 
2005-01-22 12:29:05 PM  
I wasn't losing sleep over it, just curious
 
2005-01-22 12:34:05 PM  
As a AD&D player trapped in a 3.5ed world I would have to say the new system is ok (umm, good). But what I hate more than Wizards of the Coast jacking my game is them coming out with editions and re-writes upon editions and re-writes. I mean, really, you just know D&D 4.0 is right around the corner.
 
2005-01-22 12:39:54 PM  
bloodninja rules!

/wiping tears from my eyes I was laughing so hard.
 
2005-01-22 12:46:39 PM  
D&D is a great social activity. Think of it as playing a five player video game, with human level AI but crappy graphics.

D&D is easy enough for the players, but a very tough job for the DM. A good DM makes all the difference in the world... think of playing a game by Blizzard, versus some Sierra crap that they tossed on the market in order to make a quick buck.

Mostly it's a good excuse to get together with your friends, have some dinner, drink some beer / wine, and use your brains for a few hours.

Which edition you use doesn't matter much. The rules aren't really the point.
 
2005-01-22 12:50:11 PM  
Hahaha, cool, I love Dnd.
 
2005-01-22 01:41:13 PM  
I've played pencil-and-paper D&D games a couple times... D&D, AD&D, even GURPS (Generic Universal Role-Playing System).

I'm not really into the new flashy things like Everquest or World of Warcraft. In fact, right now, I'm playing the old TSR Gold Box games. Pool of Radiance, Curse of the Azure Bonds, Secret of the Silver Blades, and Pools of Darkness. I'm on Blades right now. Fun games, really.
 
2005-01-22 01:57:24 PM  
SomeAmerican
Which edition you use doesn't matter much. The rules aren't really the point.

Unless it's HackMaster, of course!
 
2005-01-22 02:22:41 PM  
What really comes to mind is Shatner's old SNL skit where he addresses the Star Trek convention. We substitute in Gary Gygax (Sp?), telling the crowd, "Guys, come on. It was a gig I did to make a few bucks............"
 
2005-01-22 02:38:40 PM  
Gooooo......ber
 
2005-01-22 02:39:56 PM  
No other rules matter. It's all about the TRUE first edition. You KNOW Napoleon approves.

[image from rdushay.home.mindspring.com too old to be available]
 
2005-01-22 02:43:43 PM  
This is one of the most entertaining forums I've read in a while. I never really liked the D&D, but I sure did like the D&D players.
 
2005-01-22 03:09:57 PM  
I'm a gamer, I've mostly dated gamers, and I haven't had much of a problem getting any in years.
 
2005-01-22 03:21:06 PM  
BTW, veteran AD&D gamer here...married to a super hot & sexy wife (a former cheerleader no less) and couldn't be happier. If you are a young gamer...keep the faith brothers! Of course, it would help if you watch the Cheetos and Dr Pepper and keep that acne outta there. One Michael Moore is enough.
 
buk
2005-01-22 03:41:06 PM  
this morning, while joking around with my girlfriend...

Girlfriend... Riiiight...
 
2005-01-22 04:11:03 PM  
I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl 8 Penis of the Infinite.
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/bloodninja.php

Everyone should read those jokes.
 
2005-01-22 04:48:49 PM  
I am married to a man who plays this game, so I must add my two cents.

Yes, I knew he played before I married him. Yes, I knew it wasn't chess (i wish I thought it was chess.)

We worked out a situation where he only plays once/week and comes home by 11, he doesn't keep the stuff in the house (or not where I can see it anyway),and he doesn't talk about it in front of me. The one night of the week he is out doing this, I generally have plans with my friends, so for the most part, I can pretend it doesn't exist.

However, he never gets sex on the days he plays said game. Im not even sure if he's aware of this rule, (because we don't generally see each other on that day anyway)but that's the way of it. Even if he got home early for some reason. Dungeons and dragons and sex do not mix. Such a huge turnoff.
 
2005-01-22 04:50:39 PM  
!WARNING! Do not attempt to read BloodNinja: The Cybersessions at work. Doing so, may result in uncontrollable laughter followed by uncomfortable questions. The Cybersessions contain a strong enchantment which evokes laughter upon reading it. That is all.
 
2005-01-22 04:53:43 PM  
amydancin:

However, he never gets sex on the days he plays said game. Im not even sure if he's aware of this rule, (because we don't generally see each other on that day anyway)but that's the way of it.


Let him have a week-long playing session. I'm sure he'll figure it out.
 
2005-01-22 05:23:28 PM  
Thanks to amydancin's post, the cheap motels, strip clubs, Hooters and Sports Bars will soon be filled with men who have convinced their wives they have taken up RPGs. Buy some game guides, multi-sided dice, browse a few D&D web sites, and be gone one night a week.......PERFECT!
 
DrJ
2005-01-22 05:23:28 PM  
2005-01-22 03:21:06 PM SynthOverlord


BTW, veteran AD&D gamer here...married to a super hot & sexy wife (a former cheerleader no less)



You forgot to mention the solid gold house and rocket car.
 
2005-01-22 05:23:51 PM  
Maybe he should make up arbitrary rules about when you engage in your hobbies. I'm glad my fiance is an understanding man, can you imagine the reverse? "Oh sweetheart, you went to yoga today, no sex." "Is that a new sweater you bought at the mall? No cuddling for you!"

Luckily conversations are more like this, "I'm inviting the boys over for a RP session."

"Cool, I'll pick a six pack up on the way home, should I play my mage or my thief?"

"I'm not gonna tell you..."

Fun, understanding, and looooove aweeee
 
2005-01-22 05:27:25 PM  
NO
 
2005-01-22 05:28:57 PM  
amydancin:

I am married to a man who plays this game, so I must add my two cents.

Yes, I knew he played before I married him. Yes, I knew it wasn't chess (i wish I thought it was chess.)

We worked out a situation where he only plays once/week and comes home by 11, he doesn't keep the stuff in the house (or not where I can see it anyway),and he doesn't talk about it in front of me. The one night of the week he is out doing this, I generally have plans with my friends, so for the most part, I can pretend it doesn't exist.

However, he never gets sex on the days he plays said game. Im not even sure if he's aware of this rule, (because we don't generally see each other on that day anyway)but that's the way of it. Even if he got home early for some reason. Dungeons and dragons and sex do not mix. Such a huge turnoff.


Damn glad I'm not your husband... I can see not liking or not participating in a partner's hobbies but to be so shallow?
 
2005-01-22 08:24:30 PM  
what's really neat about that article is the point about appealing to the fantasty/role playing side of women. this is a GOOD idea! i was once working at a theatre festival and met a girl who had an active imagination, and with a bit of a push she was thinking that she was queen of the elves or something. ok, she was kind of crazy but THERE IS NO BETTER SEX THAN SEX WITH A CRAZY GIRL
 
2005-01-22 08:31:35 PM  
I put on my robe and wizard hat. I cast lvl. 3 eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman. I meditate to regain my manna, before casting lvl. 8 cock of the infinite.
 
2005-01-22 08:34:28 PM  
i was once working at a theatre festival and met a girl who had an active imagination, and with a bit of a push she was thinking that she was queen of the elves or something.

Speaking of wich, my brother had a gf who insisted she talked to faeries in her backyard.

Yeah, bright girl, just a bit freaky.
 
2005-01-22 09:01:20 PM  
DrJ
It might help that I'm not an ugly nerdy gamer too. I forgot to mention that. Perhaps I'm one of those rare non-backpack totin' gamers who isn't fat, greasy or full of acne & BO (PERSONAL HYGIENE works gamers!). Since you seem to have no faith that we gamers can indeed have hot wives (perhaps because some of those qualities define you) have hope. I am proof. What the hell do you want. Pics? There has to at least be one more gamer hubby out there on Fark with a hot wife. Anyone? Bueller?

amydancin
If my wife denied me sex because I gamed...I'd tell her to stfu and leave her ass. Plenty of women respect the field of gaming (be it video or RPG) and our love of such. I wouldn't doubt if he's cheatin on you (I sure would) the nights he goes out to 'play'....or maybe he's gettin in a full game AND then gettin some on the side. ;-D The sex with you must be pretty tame if he's ditchin it for a game. I'm sure a pic of you would explain why he would rather game than have sex. Many gamers take the first chick that gives them any attention and end up marrying them which explains why most (not all mind you) gamer wives are...er...annoying renaissance-live action role playing-Monty Python quotin' barmaids (hey, beggars can't be choosers right?).
 
2005-01-22 10:15:49 PM  
you're puttin a spell on me, but your alignments all wrong!!
/durf durf
 
2005-01-22 10:23:16 PM  
amydancin's attitudes are precisely why some of us geek men avoid relationships, or get to the point where we don't want them anymore. To say you love someone but to also slam or disrespect something they find very important or part of their hobby activities is not love. To have to forfeit something you enjoy to have a normal sex life or forced to apologize for a poorly understood and often maligned hobby (no more fantastical than face-painting for football games) is an insult; I shouldn't have to apologize for my hobbies.

My wife is a wonderful mother and a caring person, but sometimes the way she react so negatively to my interests in sci-fi and fantasy hobbies is one reason I lose respect and love for her. I could easily poke fun at her love of soap operas, which are simply another form of vicarious role-playing fantasy, but I don't. It's called mutual respect.

Geek/Nerd hobbies, which seem foolish, childish or render us supposedly incapable of normal relationships are why most of us are driven to high-paying careers, intellectual pursuits or chuckling indignantly while former high school bullies are fixing our BMWs for a living.

I would tell amydancin's hubby to ditch her or find a piece of ass who won't give him grief or withhold sexual favors because he does something he enjoys.

/former D&D player from mid-80s
//regretting that I didn't meet SynthOverlord's example of a 'barmaid' who was able to tolerate my love of geek hobbies
///GS Missouri divorce attorneys
 
2005-01-22 10:45:24 PM  
2005-01-22 08:24:30 PM j.carsey

... she was kind of crazy but THERE IS NO BETTER SEX THAN SEX WITH A CRAZY GIRL


This is the gospel truth. There is no pussy like psycho pussy.

Which explains why I have never had and will not ever have a healthy, stable relationship.
 
2005-01-22 11:01:36 PM  
Bitties...is this really what you want? ;-D
[image from anneke.hispeed.com too old to be available]
 
2005-01-23 12:18:36 AM  
amydancin, wow. You are a total biatch, and I can't wait until your husband's gaming group gets a hot, single woman playing so he can leave your ass for someone who isn't so stuck up and controlling.

/started dating husband partly because he's a great GM
//girl, thin, and relatively attractive
///and 8th level necromancer/cleric
 
2005-01-23 07:05:29 PM  
amydancin: nice try, but I believe you failed your saving throw vs. illusion. He doesn't have sex with you on those days because he has already managed to come by a little action. He's just waiting until that clue train runs you over and he can collect the insurance. Realistically, he should smack you in the head with his DM's guide, make you dress up in wench outfit and serve mead and ale to his gaming group.
 
2005-01-24 06:29:16 PM  
azagthoth

Regarding the destroyed face via the DMG...

Is that a 1st edition guide...or an inferior edition from WOTC? I think the older book has more pages...a heavier slam.
 
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