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(Some Guy)   How to have great sex with your car FAQ   (blackroses.textfiles.com) divider line 80
    More: Scary  
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11560 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Mar 2002 at 1:27 AM (13 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2002-03-08 01:29:49 AM  
Eek.
 
2002-03-08 01:30:16 AM  
Why am I not tempted to click on this link?
 
2002-03-08 01:35:10 AM  
Why do I have a feeling that this is the extended version of Queen's "I'm in Love with my Car"?
 
2002-03-08 01:35:20 AM  
Well, 101 Farkers have been tempted so far. Guess we know who's not getting any.
 
2002-03-08 01:35:31 AM  
Oh, and that lady from the other thread just got tossed "out" of hers... now I feel really bad for her...
 
2002-03-08 01:36:37 AM  
That was awful. Awful.
 
2002-03-08 01:37:04 AM  
I read the whole thing. I noticed the guy was vary weary of STDs. I cant imagine why.
 
2002-03-08 01:38:26 AM  
There are frequently asked questions regarding this subject? Egad.
 
2002-03-08 01:38:31 AM  
I know the guy who wrote this document (really, I'm not kidding), and a long time ago, I went with him to check out a place that later become his first apartment when he moved away from his parents. I knew about his affinity for cars. He had made it absolutely clear to his real estate agent that a place with a garage was an absolute necessity.

Anyway, we checked out the place from the front and the first question he asked is where the garage was. The owner said, "the garage is in the rear", and I responded, "that's just where he likes it".

At the time, I thought that he might be gay, especially since he never seemed to be interested in women. But he later got married, stealing a woman from her boyfriend, so probably not -- just twisted.
 
2002-03-08 01:38:39 AM  
Shoot him. Shoot him multiple times and make sure he has no pulse.
 
2002-03-08 01:41:43 AM  
What about instructions to let the car have sex with YOU!?
Davide
 
2002-03-08 01:41:51 AM  
Normally I'm not in favor of government regulation.....

BUT....


After seeing this, maybe requiring licenses before you can setup a webpage is a good idea.

Damn. This dude even went into detail about "rocking the car."
 
2002-03-08 01:42:57 AM  
"Now I can't believe you kiss your car goodnight.....
Now come on tell me, you must be joking, right?"

Maybe Shania Twain dated this guy once?
 
2002-03-08 01:43:41 AM  
Sure, this site might seem like a good idea, but think of the Video Vigilante....
 
2002-03-08 01:45:24 AM  
Is this guy too stupid to know how to whack off? Thank God, at least it doesn't look like he'll be replicating himself any time soon; he obviously doesn't know about women yet.
 
2002-03-08 01:45:42 AM  
I read a couple of paragraphs. That was a couple of paragraphs too much.

Gives a whole new meaning to [image from art.com too old to be available] , though.
 
2002-03-08 01:47:18 AM  
"Find someone who has a car with a bigger tailpipe."

Uh.....pardon me, do you mind if I fark your car?
 
2002-03-08 01:48:30 AM  
I think I work with the author...or someone very much like him.

(Insert Simpson-like shudder here)
 
2002-03-08 01:49:32 AM  
Now come on,
I, as an auto- parts salesperson, love cars. But not THAT much! Criminy!
 
2002-03-08 01:53:10 AM  
think this was bad? ever go to Dolphinsex.org?
 
2002-03-08 01:55:57 AM  
Oh come on. Dolphins will screw anything. They like humans. But the poor innocent cars don't have a say in it! They're helpless!

Its 1AM and all is lame.
 
2002-03-08 02:00:59 AM  
Hmm...
Would you call this Auto-eroticism?

Anyone remember the Toyota ads from the mid '80s, where they'd have someone jump up into the air while standing next to their Toyota? The jingle to those ads comes to mind here:
I love what you do for me, Toyota!
I'm done. Good night!
 
2002-03-08 02:03:25 AM  
You know this reminds me of a funny story.

Back when I was in High School a bunch of us were hanging out at this park. It was the place we went on the weekends to see if there was anything going on. It wasn't much but in the city where I grew up there were not many options for entertainment if you were under 21, so you had to find your kicks were you could and where the cops wouldn't hassle you to much, and that was the park. So anyhow back to my story.

At the park a bunch of us were hanging out being bored out of our minds because none of us had beer or drugs or anything. There were actually quite a few of us there because a party that was supposed to be happening that night had been broken up by the police. And one of the girls there starts yelling, I don't remember her name because I barely socialized with her (she was a bit of a biatch). But any how she is yelling because her retarded brother had wandered over to the park and was wanting to hang out with her. She gets annoyed and tells him to go fark a car.

Well he goes right up to an old beamer that had driven up there not more than ten minutes before hand. He whips it out and sticks it in the tail pipe. I can still vividly remember the yelp he gave out as he burned his johnson on the tail pipe. I was maybe a hundred yards away talking to some people when the sound went out... and I swear even though not many of us actually knew what was transpiring between that poor kid and the tail pipe of that car we all winced from the primal sense of pain transmitted in his scream of pain.

well it is now time for me to go
night all.
and let my little story act as a warning... no matter how much you love your car... don't fark it.
 
2002-03-08 02:06:19 AM  
oh, c'mon.. if this was a FAQ wouldn't it at least briefly discuss the gas tank hole?! ....i mean.. uhm.. this link is gross.. yeah.. gross.. ;)
 
2002-03-08 02:18:44 AM  
The easiest way to have sex with your car is just put the tailpipe up your butt. Less work, less mess.
 
2002-03-08 02:27:59 AM  
This guy gets a bonar from slapping the "ass" of a red convertible and calling it a sexy mama? Man, how in the fark does somebody get a car fetish?
 
2002-03-08 02:29:05 AM  
JoelKatz>> So this twisted little monkey is married. Perhaps him and the Mrs. share similiar interests. See if he calls his car "Fingercuffs."
 
2002-03-08 02:30:01 AM  
This is best done while watching the Fast and the Furious.
 
2002-03-08 02:36:00 AM  
Would sex in a car be a menage a trois ?
 
2002-03-08 02:42:25 AM  
I'm sorry, but I have never had any FAQ's about having sex with a car....maybe because I have never even thought of it before.
 
2002-03-08 02:54:14 AM  
If you did it while the car was running would you would literally be getting a bj, but seriously this is one of the oddest things I have seen on here, and I just read the one about the real doll, used yet.
 
CSB
2002-03-08 02:58:40 AM  
Meh, the car wanted it.
 
2002-03-08 03:16:33 AM  
See now that's the really strange part -- he was serious enough about his car fetish that having a place with a private garage was a requirement when he looked for his first apartment. I recall it increased his rent by a reasonable amount, but it was that important to him.

I haven't seen him since well before he got married (though we exchanged emails shortly after), so I don't know if he still has his car fetish or shares this with his wife. I found a current email address for him, and I've been meaning to send one of those "we've lost touch, how's it going" emails, so maybe I'll point him to this link.

I think because he was a geek and women weren't available to him (due to a self-fulfilling prophecy and the fact that he never left home except for work), he latched onto this. After all, his car can't say "no". It could have been worse, he could have decided young boys were attractive.
 
2002-03-08 03:49:42 AM  
go up like 15 posts or so and read Jaxomlotus' dolphin sex link...that is actually more disturbing than the car link. HIs "current mate is in the harbor of his city"...OMFG
 
2002-03-08 03:56:27 AM  
If there is a fetish that you can imagine, than there is a pervert out there who gets off on it. No matter how wierd. This, the Internet has taught me.
 
2002-03-08 05:07:45 AM  
I've said it a thousand times before but now it's true.... i've really seen it all.... incredible... just plain speechless
 
2002-03-08 05:09:08 AM  
That page has increased my carnal knowledge

Thank yew
 
2002-03-08 05:37:46 AM  
Now FARKers are just submitting sites from the POE archive. Lame.
 
2002-03-08 06:02:42 AM  
I read the headline as "How to have great sex in your car" and clicked the link.

Imagine my horror.
 
2002-03-08 06:29:35 AM  
WTF? Just when I thought I'd thought I'd seen it all!!!!
I was LMFAO until I saw that thing about dolphins. I will
not click on yhat link...I will not click on that link...
I will not....
 
2002-03-08 06:36:00 AM  
Whatever happened to good old fashion sex with vegetables?
 
2002-03-08 07:14:23 AM  
Show of hands....has anyone EVER had a thought of doing this?????? Our society has reached a new very low
 
2002-03-08 07:54:00 AM  
that was horrific.

...uuggh....

it was like... watching a traffic accident--you don't want to keep looking, but you're strangely compelled to...

did anyone notice that he was talking about *multiple* people having sex with their cars? MULTIPLE? there's more than one person out there that does this?

*my mental conception of the world has been shattered*
 
2002-03-08 08:21:58 AM  
heh heh heh... that was funny.
Insane, bizarre, wierd.... but funnneeee.....
 
2002-03-08 08:46:32 AM  
ok, this is the strangest thing i've ever read
 
Cdr
2002-03-08 08:54:29 AM  
To me, the term "FAQ" would imply someone asked the questions (perhaps even frequently). Other than this guy, I really don't think anyone did. Maybe he addresses this past the first paragraph. If anyone got past that point...
 
2002-03-08 09:05:02 AM  
And I thought I was wierd.
 
2002-03-08 09:19:06 AM  
Personally, I thought the headline was a metaphor.
 
2002-03-08 09:19:58 AM  
I can't imagine his poor parents.
 
2002-03-08 09:30:58 AM  
I will never look at my car the same now.
 
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