that sucks.

cant beat em...

Wal-mart
The cause of, and solution too, all of life's problems....

...or was that alcohal?

Farked from the word go.

Gotta give the people what they want.

Incase is re-farks:

Writing just to keep the 'streak' alive
by TIM ROWLAND

It's taken almost 45 years, but I now know exactly what my station is in life: I'm the first guy people think of to call when there's a streaker at Wal-Mart.

The call came across the police scanner on Tuesday, and the astonishment in the dispatcher's voice wasn't dry yet, when people were coming up right and left saying, "Hey, you'll want to hear this, there's a streaker at Wal-Mart."

Then came the cell phone calls. There must have been people in the parking lot agonizing over which number to punch in first, 911 or 5131.

Let me ask you something, why do you think I would care? What is there about some textile-challenged dude outside of a discount store that makes you think of me?

Is that all I am to you? Some doofus who traffics in lowbrow circumstance, who swims among the lowest common denominator of human existence feeding off the scraps of humanity's bottomless chum bucket?

Well, let me tell yoouuu something. I have feelings, too. I have an intellect. I have more to offer than rube commentary on a surplus of skin. All my life I have struggled to succeed. I have toiled at the wheel of journalistic ethos, logic and wisdom. And do I get any credit for this? Oh, no. All I get is, "Hey, better call Tim because there's a streaker at Wal-Mart."

I have a mind, folks. I can talk intelligently about Social Security reform, I can list the known carcinogens in coal-fired generating plants, I know the latest archaeological findings at the ancient city of Nineveh. And you care about none of this.

But my goodness, let some fella go wagging his way down the sidewalk in a retail district, and you can't hear from me fast enough.

Well, from now on, it's going to be different. No longer am I going to stoop to your level. I hereby resolve to use this space only for discourse that has some modicum of intelligencia, to use the power of the print to elevate, not debase, the human condition, to educate, to enlighten, to...

Oh, all right fine, here's your freaking streaker column.

After all, I can't recall a streaker since that guy at the Suns game back in the early '90s. And that went well. He made it to the top of the clubhouse before he was corralled, as I recall.

This is Reason No. 246 of why I could never be a police officer. The thought of chasing a naked man in public has no appeal. In private either, I should hasten to add. And when you catch him, who's going to pat him down? Not me.

The photo on the front page was priceless. There was the streaker up against the wall with three other guys standing around who looked as if they'd just come out of an upper level college course in Averting Your Eyes.

Apparently there was some behind-the-scenes drama between Wal-Mart security and the photographer. A security guard approached the photographer and demanded he hand over his film.

How precious is that? Where else but Hagerstown, home of the last remaining mullet in captivity, would a photographer these days be asked for his "film."

If I were the photographer, I would have said, "No you can't have my film, but I'll give you my daguerreotype plates and you can come over to my house later for a game of pinochle while we listen to the Victrola. Now you'll excuse me, I need to get into your store to buy a bottle of Dr. Caldwell's Syrup Pepsin and some mustache wax. This is Jewitt & Knapp dry goods store, isn't it?"

I suppose he could have been speaking metaphorically, though. After all, it is a little awkward to say "I'm sorry, sir, but I'll have to confiscate your SanDisk Ultra II 512 megabyte secure digital card."

By the way, too bad the guy - who calmly dropped his pants at one end of the shopping center and strolled to the other - didn't make it as far as the greeters, don't you think? That would have been cool. "Good morning and welcome to Wa..." and about that time the bifocals come into focus and, "...EEEEEK!" Best they could do was let him in and steer him to the aisle where they keep the underpants.

I loved the police quote, that the man appeared "lucid, at points." Which points? When he was naked in front of Pier 1 or when he was naked in front of Circuit City? Hopefully, he didn't do any window shopping; that's the last image you want to see pressed up against the plate glass.

OK, that's it. There's the story. I hope you're happy, because I'm not proud of it.

If it's not news, and he doesn't want to report it, why report it? If people don't hear about their Wal-Mart streakers, it's not gonna kill them.

They found Wal-Mart?

Who do you have to sleep with around here to get crap like this greenlit? I just don't get it.

I think we're missing the point of the story here: There are so many streakers at the Wal-Mart that they have a reporter become the de facto streaker reporter.

Did AQ put acid in the town's water supply or something?

Don't feel too bad. The Mainichi has written loads of garbage about Japan, in various shades of truth. Everyone's got their price to pay.

What is this "Wal-Mart" you speak of?

Does anyone have the transcript for that sell-out Ben Stein did to WalMart? Where he comments on all the wonderful things it's done for thrid world nations and how all the highly intelligent, incredibly helpful employees are getting rich from stock options?

Damn thing's a laugh riot, but I can't seem to find it online.

i'm naked right now, guess what im typing with?

NineInchNader: Does anyone have the transcript for that sell-out Ben Stein did to WalMart?

You mean Ben Stein, Nixon's former speech writer? That's the man you are calling a "sellout" because he supported Wal Mart?

/wide-eyed incredulousness

SockMoneyHolocaust -- Of course, you are right. I have a bad habit of remembering Ben's "Who wants to win Ben Stein's Money".

What was that, on Comedy Central or MTV? I don't remember, but I always assume that someone on either of those channels will be fairly liberal. No real reason to think that, but my brain gets stuck from time to time.

Sell-out's the wrong term to use, of course. What I probably should have said was something along the lines of "... where Ben Stein bends over and takes it deep for WalMart."

this thread is useless without pi.... nevermind... I'll just click on the top boobies link instead


/i have this really weird feeling.... i'm sitting in this building and it feels like the whole place is shaking/vibrating.... i feel it at the table i'm sitting at, the fake bonzi tree accross the room is shaking its leaves.....and no one else seems to notice...
//not kidding either..... i think i should exit this place

You mean Ben Stein, Nixon's former speech writer? That's the man you are calling a "sellout" because he supported Wal Mart?



No Ben Stein the right wing nutcase from Pepperdine who never saw a Republican hatchet job he didn't like. If the RNC said their new health platform was to give plutonium to poor people to eat, Ben Stein would get behind it and he would also champion the fine corporate entities who stood to profit.

2005-01-11 09:48:31 AM PoppaStoppa


take the batteries out/

This guy calls himself a columnist? Could he be any more boring to read? I was hoping for an entertaining, bitingly acerbic, morning read. Instead, I had to mainline Red Bull in order to read this crap through to the end.

For dly...

I wonder what Earl, the walmart security officer, did when the photographer told him to fark off?

We have mullets down here in Mississippi, but the only news outta Walmart is crank sniffing idiots stealing sudafed and batteries. I would be willing to bet someone was walking out in the background with a pocket full of precursors.

/speed kills

dly


Thanks for the advice... that fixed everything

This guy is sooooo stupid. All he has to do is forge some anti-Bush documents and he'll be the left-wing media's latest darling.

Is that all I am to you? Some doofus who traffics in lowbrow circumstance, who swims among the lowest common denominator of human existence feeding off the scraps of humanity's bottomless chum bucket?

Add "Republican tool" and, yes, that is exactly what we think of the entire jounalism industry.

I can't hear or read Wal-Mart without thinking Megalomart or Try and Save.

Cartoons have become the yardstick with which I measure my life...

This guy is made as hell, and he's not going to take it anymore.

maybe for his next column, we can all call him and point out that "intelligencia" isn't a word.

I thought it was funny "at points".

"No you can't have my film, but I'll give you my daguerreotype plates and you can come over to my house later for a game of pinochle while we listen to the Victrola. Now you'll excuse me, I need to get into your store to buy a bottle of Dr. Caldwell's Syrup Pepsin and some mustache wax. This is Jewitt & Knapp dry goods store, isn't it?"

NikolaiFarkoff

Yeah, I've been thinking about getting a web-enabled blackberry too.


/zing!

thats classic...poor bastard probobly grew up thinking , yes, im going to be a serious journalist, win the pulizter (however its spelled) prize and be respected thoughout the media... HAAAAHHHHH!

"No you can't have my film, but I'll give you my daguerreotype plates and you can come over to my house later for a game of pinochle while we listen to the Victrola. Now you'll excuse me, I need to get into your store to buy a bottle of Dr. Caldwell's Syrup Pepsin and some mustache wax. This is Jewitt & Knapp dry goods store, isn't it?"

Anyone else think of Mr. Burns when they read that part?

Lame article, but I did enjoy this line:

Where else but Hagerstown, home of the last remaining mullet in captivity, would a photographer these days be asked for his "film."

Cucumber_Breath - Bingo! No, I didn't, but now that you point it out, it is something he would say while he checks his stock sticker and ask how his buggy whip holdings are doing.

Hagerstown! Woot! Back in my day, we used to call Hagerstonians "grits". We mocked them by making the devil horn with our hands and yelled "Yar!" (with a slightly overdone Bawlmerese accent) while headbanging as if at a heavy metal concert. This also worked for people from Glen Burnie and Dundalk.

On another topic, I was surprised at how clever that column was, coming from Hagerstown's local paper.

slow news day, eh?

I actually saw that guy! I was headed out of the circuit city.

It's a shame the writer doesn't appreciate the comedy stylings of Rudy Ray Moore

This poor sap! You just know he went to school as a bright eyed youngster, eager to become a writer, just like the ones in the respected journals he silently read each night as he lay in bed. He enrolled in Journalism School, filled with hope at becoming a respected columnist, looked up to by his peers, envied by men, wanted by women. Then slowly, life began crushing him bit by bit. He'd take a copywriting gig here, an obituary or two there, you know, just to pay the bills until the next great column came his way.


Pretty soon, he's sitting at his computer, unkempt and unshaven, half-empty bottle of Old Crow keeping him company, wondering what the Hell happened to his life as he ponders the loaded .45 in his bottom desk drawer. 'How has it come to this?', he asks, downing another shot at 10:32 in the morning.

Yep, that's quite a niche he's carved for himself. Kudos.

NineInchNader

Don't know where you'd find the exact text, but it was CBS Sunday morning show on January 9.

Deadzone -- Yeah, that's where I caught it. I was hoping to link the text, though, to see how wonderful WalMart is for shutting down those damn local mom-and-pop stores.

Really, who needs those?

Damn, I took an oath that I wouldn't be a grammar nazi when I signed up here. So far I have held very true to that oath. I think you can count on me to *not* be a grammar nazi at my fellow farkers.

But this pompous motherfarker just takes the cake, with his "i'm part of the intelligencia (sic - it's intelligentsia, you farking moron), oooooh, look at me I write deep articles, m'kay? I even know about archaeology and stuff, too!"

Said columnist motherfarker needs a lesson in life: if you're going to trash a bunch of people and try to make yourself look better, your best bet is to proof-read your own writings. And avoid sentence fragments. Okay? Don't be a snobby stuck up farkface who thinks he's better than me, alright? Or if you think you're better than me, prove it by writing coherently, not mis-spelling words that are supposed to describe you as intelligent, and generally not whining like a little biatch about how people try to tell you (as a news-reporter) about the most interesting thing in their day.

*End rant*

This guy and Gallagher should get together and start a club.

2005-01-11 11:21:59 AM midnightreign
Said columnist motherfarker needs a lesson in life: if you're going to trash a bunch of people and try to make yourself look better, your best bet is to proof-read your own writings. And avoid sentence fragments. Okay? Don't be a snobby stuck up farkface who thinks he's better than me, alright?


You mean "better than I, all right" don't you?

/can't help myself

Does midnightreign understand sarcasm or irony? Have a Dr. Pepper, you'll feel better (caffeine is always good in morning)

Comic Rodney Carrington streaked thru a Wal-Mart in the 1st episode of his new sitcom. Since Mr. C is solely responsible for the recent spate of Wal-Mart streakers, the FCC needs to come down on him - - hard.

On a related note:

What happened to the lawsuit some guy filed against FEAR FACTOR for making him sick to his stomach?

i know most people, especially those involved in the internet(which seems to be everyone i suppose) but people forget that there are actually still film using photographers out there, we're proud of our film, and we will fight to the death to use it, i hate digital cameras, they aren't as high quality as film can be, and without learning the processes of real photography digital photograhers tend to suck

Cowboy Neal

Tim Rowland's column really is like a ray of sunshine in Hagerstown. Time there seems to have stopped in the '60s for the most part; at least it seems that way if you read the letters to the editor.