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(Car and Driver)   Cadillac Canyonero - guaranteed to frighten small children and livestock   ( ) divider line 61
    More: Amusing  
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10387 clicks; posted to Main » on 06 Mar 2002 at 8:27 AM (13 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

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2002-03-06 08:34:52 AM  
Nice Simpson's reference.
2002-03-06 08:40:53 AM  
I absolutely love John Phillips articles. I'm a subscriber and his articles are the first ones I turn to every month. ROTFLMMFAO!
2002-03-06 08:42:24 AM  
First, biatches!
[image from too old to be available]

Best one I could find.
2002-03-06 08:43:11 AM  
It's the Cadillac of automobiles.
2002-03-06 08:49:07 AM  
"Rrrrr... move out of my way, Nature!"
2002-03-06 08:52:50 AM  
I'd really be interested in what kind of gas mileage this thing gets. The best info this article gives about it wasn't to encouraging:

"Observed fuel economy was not so good. The EXT was 28 percent less efficient than a 5534-pound Sayers & Scovill DeVille Masterpiece hearse sans casket, in fact. One difference between the two: The hearse doesn't require premium fuel."
2002-03-06 08:53:59 AM  
Love the line:

"We predict that the EXT will be snapped up by buyers whose lifelong credo is "Hey, watch this!"" So true. So, so true.

Next time you see one of these abominations, check out the center brake light--it's about 4 feet across! Seriously.

Looks like someone spilled Aztec all over that Cadillac. What are they smoking over there at GM?
2002-03-06 08:55:08 AM  
If I remember correctly, Henchman, its around 13 mpg.
2002-03-06 08:57:13 AM  
That's better than I would've guessed, Goober. Thanks!
2002-03-06 08:59:57 AM  
Tom Brady won one of these for being Superbowl MVP. When they presented it to him he had this, "" forced smile on his face.
High comedy.
2002-03-06 09:01:18 AM  
I like my fast, zippy, fuel effecient 4 cylinder. I cut these people off all the time. It's a death wish, I tell ya.
2002-03-06 09:02:45 AM  
Dogbone: Who's Tom Brady again?
2002-03-06 09:08:13 AM  
agreed, nice Simpsons reference, but I thought it was for real, thinking "GM wouldn't be stupid enough to make a $50K, three-ton vehicle and call it the Canyonero?" Well, everything except the name, as it turns out.

So much for weaning America off of foreign oil.

I've got to go get some of these bumper stickers.
2002-03-06 09:09:22 AM  
Wow, one of the best articles I've even seen in a car magazine
2002-03-06 09:09:49 AM  
13MPG?! There should be a gas guzzler tax for that thing.
2002-03-06 09:11:49 AM  
$49,900??? CRIPES!

I'll put that towards my house, thanks... at least it'll have resale value in five years.
2002-03-06 09:18:22 AM  
If you think the costs for this vehicle are bad NOW, just wait until Bush's new tarriffs on imported steel kick in...
2002-03-06 09:19:00 AM  
"I'll put that towards my house, thanks..."

If you bought this thing, you wouldn't NEED a house.
2002-03-06 09:25:32 AM  
Jeez, why not just buy a lorry, winnebago or petrol tanker(with tank converted to "biatchin' smoking shack") and be done with it.

PAH! You americans and your "bigger, heavier, less MPG" car philosiphy. Our mighty British technology is far superior.

[image from too old to be available]
2002-03-06 09:28:18 AM  
"Cadillac says 20 percent of EXT buyers will be women with a $125,000 household income".

I think that's pretty much all that needs to be said. And they accuse MEN of driving thinly veiled phallic symbols?

I can't wait until I start seeing these things in parking lots, and every freaking one of them will have a minor "crunch" dent in the rear driver side. These huge SUV's are a body shop owners wet dream.
2002-03-06 09:42:43 AM  
The review of the Cadillac hearse is sweet...that's a phat way to be carried off to final judgement. =P
2002-03-06 09:42:51 AM  
Gotta love the morons who always link the "I'm changing the environment" bumper stickers. We get the point.
2002-03-06 09:43:57 AM  
SUV's still suck, though
2002-03-06 09:46:37 AM  
Can you name the truck with four wheel drive,
Smells like a steak, and seats thirty five?
Canyonero! Canyonero!
Well, it goes real slow with the hammer down
It's the country-fried truck endorsed by a clown
Canyonero! Canyonero!
Hey, hey!
Twelve yards long, two lanes wide,
Sixty five tons of American pride!
Canyonero! Canyonero!
Top of the line in utility sports,
Unexplained fires are a matter for the courts!
Canyonero! Canyonero!
She blinds everybody with her super high beams
She's a squirrel-squashin', deer-smackin' drivin' machine
Canyonero! Canyonero! Canyonero!
Whoa, Canyonero! Whoa!
2002-03-06 09:48:09 AM  
The only problems I see with it are 1) 345 hp is not enough for that much truck and 2) it's butt-ugly.
2002-03-06 09:53:33 AM  
The national highway safety comission has declared the Canyonaro unsafe for highway or city driving!
2002-03-06 10:19:50 AM  
Fugly, says I....
2002-03-06 10:35:01 AM  
They need to take that 345 HP engine and stick it into a small sporty car that weighs ~2500 lbs and handles like it was on rails. Then and only then will I pay attention to anything Cadillac makes
2002-03-06 10:35:47 AM  
I saw some poser the other day in one of these, he was sitting in it thinking he was all cool and shiat. I walked by and looked at the truck, laughed, then looked at him and laughed some more...
2002-03-06 10:57:22 AM  
Bike's broke, and I hope I get it fixed next week, 'cause I'm currently driving something that gets worse gas milage than this caddy.

My car can intimidate SUV drivers.
2002-03-06 10:58:51 AM  
There are lots of things on which you could spend $49,990. This is one of them.

Sums it up raher nicely I think.
2002-03-06 11:03:25 AM  
Cadillac's brand manager says, "Cadillac research showed that there was a real need for the EXT." A real need for a Cadillac pickup? Really? If so, then here are a few things that I really need: An air-conditioned front yard. Iguana-skin patio furniture. Stigmata. Mint-flavored Drano. Gold-plated roof gutters. A 190-hp MerCruiser SaladShooter. A dog with a collapsible tail. An office desk that converts into a Hovercraft. Chrome slacks. A lifetime subscription to Extreme Fidgeting. A third arm. A fourth wife. A smokeless Cuban Robusto. Reusable Kleenex.

I like this guy. This pretty much sums up the usefulness of a 3 ton, $50,000 minivan with a goofy gimmick.
2002-03-06 11:05:25 AM  
and because they're officially "working vehicles" they don't get the gas guzzler tax. marketed to assheads.
2002-03-06 11:12:05 AM  
What is with GM and all the farking ugly vehicles lately? Are they pretty much trying for that "how can we decrease market share in a hurry?" look?
2002-03-06 11:14:46 AM  
What I don't understand is why someone that wants to haul wood around in a truck would spend twice as much for a Caddy when then can buy a Dodge for less? Seriously, how many people are lugging around building materials while on the way to the opera?

Luvs my Cavalier!
2002-03-06 11:14:58 AM  
Best. Review. Ever.
2002-03-06 11:26:07 AM  
"The radiator hose is four feet long." Maybe, to make up for a short wang? It seems everything on this truck is huge. This is a wealthy small peepee man's dream.
2002-03-06 11:46:32 AM  
This vehicle has a purpose that noone has pointed out yet; It says "I have more money than I know what to do with."

If I had a spare MILLION hanging around I wouldn't buy one of those...

2002-03-06 11:50:58 AM  
God damn! Not only is it butt-ugly, but 5,900 lbs. and yet no special driver's license for it? That is just wrong! And I imagine that it gets less than 14MPG as well. Why are American automobile manufacturers still making pointless vehicles like this one??? I don't get it.

-he who stacks pork
2002-03-06 12:03:09 PM  
Why are American automobile manufacturers still making pointless vehicles like this one???

Because someone will still buy it
2002-03-06 12:05:27 PM  
Why are American automobile manufacturers still making pointless vehicles like this one???

because this is america, bigger IS better! jeez get with it.
2002-03-06 12:09:51 PM  
Remember back in the '50s when automakers used to make huge flashy vehicles that got poor gas mileage? Heh heh heh.

A temp that I used to work with had a Catalina that we parked next to a late model Chevy Suburban. Mind you, a Catalina is a coupe. They were EXACTLY the same length(give or take a few inches). jeez.
2002-03-06 12:11:26 PM  

I'm convinced that there are currently spies working for GM, trying to sabotage the company by putting out really awful automobiles. Cases in point:

Buick Rendezvouz: A Buick that is part minivan, part SUV, built on the Aztec platform. Great idea.

Pontiac Aztec: 'Nuff said.

Pontiac Vibe: A station wagon directed at youth--a "sport wagon" or tall hatchback with the same plastic/rubber trim as the Aztec. Subaru pulls off the WRX wagon by offering 225 hp for +-$25k, but the Vibe is just awkward. There is an AWD model, but it only comes with automatic tranny and 130hp, and the "performance" model offers a meager 160hp and front wheel drive for this bulky car. I give it the thumbs down.

Chevrolet Avalanche EXT: Just ugly.

Cadillac Escalade EXT: Ugly, for more money.

Hummer H2: Now that GM owns the Hummer brand, they decided to build it on the Suburban platform. Instead of looking mean and tough, it has roots in a soccer mom-mobile.

I like the Cadillac CTS, it almost makes up for the disastrous Catera. The Corvette ZO6 is incredible, and I only wish that the Grand Prix GTP came in manual. Other than that, GM needs a good smack upside the head.
2002-03-06 12:13:14 PM  
Does the F Series come with a lipstick holder where the cigarette lighter usually is?
2002-03-06 12:17:43 PM  
Because every professional athlete, pop celeb, and rap celeb will want to own one to park right next to their Benzs, Bentleys, Escalades, and sporty Italian cars.
2002-03-06 12:19:00 PM  
Can you get one with fake exterior wood paneling?
2002-03-06 12:25:20 PM  
Living near the more yuppy-ish areas of Sacramento such as Rocklin and Granite Bay, just about every other car I see on the road is a Navigator, Suburban, Excursion, Escalade, or one of the other oversized SUVs that are invaribly being occupied solely by 1 petite short-haired soccer mom talking on her cell phone. And they all have that little propeller thing in the trailer hitch and big sticker in the back window that says "Nautica" or "Sea Ray", just so you know they're so rich they have a boat, too, though I never actually see them towing one. I think it's an attempt to compensate for something.
2002-03-06 12:32:16 PM  
There is an advantage to driving a monster vehicle. If you hit somebody in a sub-compact, because you're not paying attention while talking on your cellphone, you walk away without a scratch. Too bad for the driver of the small car.
2002-03-06 01:00:21 PM  
Why don't they just take a 40ft SeaRay and put wheels on it?! Sheez

I can't wait to see what happens if the price of gas shoots up to $2 or $3 a gallon. You will see a lot of trade-ins at the car lots.

I hope to see one at Home Depot loaded with lumber....
2002-03-06 01:06:27 PM  
CRUDKING: The beds too short to haul lumber. Also, if it got scratched the body shop bill would be $2,000.
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