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(Herald Mail)   Robber armed with hatchet breaks into home, holds couple at gunpoint and makes them play the piano so he can sing. Ends up shooting himself in the leg   (herald-mail.com ) divider line 83
    More: Dumbass  
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11058 clicks; posted to Main » on 04 Jan 2005 at 10:12 AM (11 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2005-01-04 09:29:23 AM  
Hatchet? Gun point?

/Didn't RTFA. The headline stopped me.
 
2005-01-04 10:16:59 AM  
See what happens when you don't say 'break a leg' before a performance?
 
2005-01-04 10:17:46 AM  
"Oh Pom-Pom, you have got to see this."

"Blub blub blub blub."
 
2005-01-04 10:18:32 AM  
He robbed them with a gun and used a hatchet to break all the phones in the house....
 
2005-01-04 10:18:42 AM  
SING DAMN YOU! SING! CAMP TOWN RACES ALL GRAY BONG. DO, DAH! BANG! I shot myself in the leg.

Idiot.
 
2005-01-04 10:19:20 AM  
[image from harvardfilmarchive.org too old to be available]
 
2005-01-04 10:21:09 AM  

There are certain things in this life that I will never understand...

This incident, of course, is one of those things.

 
2005-01-04 10:24:28 AM  
damn, he was pretty hard on himself
 
2005-01-04 10:24:29 AM  
darwin is off to a slow start this year
 
2005-01-04 10:25:31 AM  
Paul Kelvin Hardy grabbed an axe,
Robbed an old couple under threat of attacks.
When he realized what he had done,
He made them play "Chopsticks" just for fun.
 
2005-01-04 10:26:55 AM  
OMG! That's exactly how the psychic at the County Fair said I would die!!!

/listens to Carnies
 
2005-01-04 10:28:21 AM  
Like you do...

/Izzard
 
2005-01-04 10:29:18 AM  
Silly criminal. You don't need a hatchet AND a gun...
 
2005-01-04 10:31:07 AM  
Its nine oclock on a saturday
The regular crowd shuffles in
Theres an old man sitting next to me
Makin love to his tonic and gin

He says, son, can you play me a memory?
Im not really sure how it goes
But its sad and its sweet and I knew it complete
When I wore a younger mans clothes

La la la, de de da
La la, de de da da da

Chorus:
Sing us a song, youre the piano man
Sing us a song tonight
Well, were all in the mood for a melody
And youve got us feelin alright

Now john at the bar is a friend of mine
He gets me my drinks for free
And hes quick with a joke or to light up your smoke
But theres someplace that hed rather be
He says, bill, I believe this is killing me.
As the smile ran away from his face
Well Im sure that I could be a movie star
If I could get out of this place

Oh, la la la, de de da
La la, de de da da da

Now paul is a real estate novelist
Who never had time for a wife
And hes talkin with davy whos still in the navy
And probably will be for life

And the waitress is practicing politics
As the businessmen slowly get stoned
Yes, theyre sharing a drink they call loneliness
But its better than drinkin alone

Chorus

Its a pretty good crowd for a saturday
And the manager gives me a smile
cause he knows that its me theyve been comin to see
To forget about life for a while
And the piano, it sounds like a carnival
And the microphone smells like a beer
And they sit at the bar and put bread in my jar
And say, man, what are you doin here?

Oh, la la la, de de da
La la, de de da da da

Chorus

/Billy Joel surrenders
 
2005-01-04 10:33:14 AM  
Those crrraaaaazzzzy West Virginians, what will they think of next!?
 
2005-01-04 10:33:27 AM  
[image from springfieldparadise.com too old to be available]

The Suspect
 
2005-01-04 10:35:28 AM  
Figures that my town would make Fark.com for something as stupid as this. You'd have to live here to understand.
 
2005-01-04 10:36:07 AM  
The go off and borrow guns from their grandfather's arsenal... I mean, what is the grandfather doing??

/also Izzard, personal hero and favorite "historian"

Because nice old couples like the Fogles have an array of guns upstairs for a private collection, I'm sure...?
 
2005-01-04 10:36:39 AM  

OK, the more I think about this, the more it bothers me. What were the two songs? Something along the lines of what busy chillin' posted? Maybe old nursery rhymes? Gospel tunes? Or perhaps something more sinister, like his Ethel Merman impression while belting out "Cabaret"?

"What's the use of SITTIN'---ALONE in your ROOOOM!"

 
2005-01-04 10:36:41 AM  
I love it:

"Once the songs were finished, Mr. Hardy asked Ms. Fogle if they wanted him to order any pizza, Ms. Fogle stated no," according to the criminal complaint.
 
2005-01-04 10:36:42 AM  
Meet the new year...
Same as the old year...
 
2005-01-04 10:37:55 AM  
.....police said.
 
2005-01-04 10:37:57 AM  
This almost sounds like the opening to a REALLY bad joke...

"So a thief walks into a house with a hatchet in one hand and a gun in the other..."

Although, it would be funnier if the thief was nekkid...
 
2005-01-04 10:41:04 AM  
He shot himself with the hatchet? Impressive ...

/DNRTFA
 
2005-01-04 10:41:46 AM  
I think this might just be the perfect solution for any legal issues that might result from robbing someone, or about anything for that matter.

JUDGE: You made them do what?
HATCHETMAN: Play the piano! Show tunes for all! SHOW TUNES,
I TELL YOU!
LAWYER: Yup. Thats what he did. Asked if they wanted
pizza, then shot himself.
JUDGE: Er, okay. So whats your plea?
HATCHETMAN: I Met a girl named MAARRIIIAAA!!
JUDGE: Somebody ship this guy off to county for
observation- next case!

Score: Crazy guy- 1 Legal system- 0
 
2005-01-04 10:42:13 AM  
stupidity abounds. the reporter couldn't string together two decently written sentences, either, which also was a little sad.
 
2005-01-04 10:43:07 AM  
I'm having a hard time swallowing the idea that this REALLY happened. Does this guy suffer from some weird broadway-inspired mental illness or something? He cannot possibly be sane.
 
2005-01-04 10:43:40 AM  
Well, it happened in WV. 'Nuff said.
 
2005-01-04 10:44:29 AM  
"Police seized a Colt .45-caliber handgun that was on a couch cushion..."

Wanted for questioning?
[image from strictlymint.com too old to be available]

//Random
 
2005-01-04 10:46:37 AM  
[image from img.fark.com too old to be available] or [image from img.fark.com too old to be available]

(What's the difference anyway?)
 
2005-01-04 10:47:17 AM  
I didn't RTFA because I was laughing so hard I couldn't see straight.

This guy already has an airtight insanity defense. The only thing he didn't do was throw cats at the couple.
 
2005-01-04 10:48:37 AM  
[image from img38.exs.cx too old to be available]
 
2005-01-04 10:48:58 AM  
Didn't I see this in a musical clips episode of the Simpsons?
 
2005-01-04 10:49:21 AM  
So, the most this moran can expect is 30 years in prison. Not enough time to plan his next attack in my view.
 
2005-01-04 10:50:14 AM  
skinink wins.
 
2005-01-04 10:50:23 AM  
sounds like someone forgot to take their Zoloft
 
2005-01-04 10:51:03 AM  
Damn! I was planning the same armed home incursion here in my hometown. I bought all the sheet music and have been to a vocal coach. Now I have to come up with something different... damn!
 
2005-01-04 10:51:40 AM  
Didn't Dennis Leary do this movie with Kevin Spacey?
 
2005-01-04 10:52:00 AM  
Quite frankly I'm surprised they passed on the pizza, I mean what's a new years party without pizza?

/Not sure how he planned to order it on the broken phone.
//My guess is that the songs were Hot in Herr by Nelly and a nice Limp Bizkit medley.
 
2005-01-04 10:52:17 AM  
ROFL, get a brain, moran
 
2005-01-04 10:52:53 AM  
Its rare that a non-joke headline makes me laugh my nuts off
/golf clap

Thats one of the strangest stories i've ever read, the devil is in the detail.
They had loads of guns in the house? So much for the "if they were banned how would we defend our homes" argument.
 
2005-01-04 10:53:14 AM  
Sheesh ... A Colt .45? That's a FARKing cannon.

He's lucky he didn't lose that leg.

Aren't they known as the "Peacemaker?"
 
2005-01-04 10:58:29 AM  
"Any requests?"
"Let us go?"
"Sorry, don't know that one. So here's Henry VIII again!"
 
2005-01-04 11:01:19 AM  
Holy shiat! I know the people this happened to. No BS.
 
2005-01-04 11:06:18 AM  

Hm. I wonder if the perp's manic, or whether he was simply on some damn fine drugs at the time.


(Songs to sing while looking forwards to a hostage crisis: "Bohemian Rhapsody", "I Fought the Law" ?)

 
2005-01-04 11:06:55 AM  
Ebenator, BS!
 
2005-01-04 11:09:06 AM  
Is nighttime burglary worse than daytime burglary?

This guy is clearly a loonball.
 
2005-01-04 11:11:10 AM  
"Damn! I was planning the same armed home incursion here in my hometown. I bought all the sheet music and have been to a vocal coach. Now I have to come up with something different... damn!"
---

You might try stand-up comedy. You could tell jokes, and if they didn't laugh, you could shoot them, or yourself. The opportunities are endless ...
 
2005-01-04 11:12:42 AM  

Don't just stand there, Ebenator! Call them up and find out what songs the guy made them play! For the love of God, man I must know! I fear it's the only way to get Ethel Merman out of my head now!

"Oh I've GOT a WONder-full FEEEEl-ing!"

 
2005-01-04 11:12:43 AM  
What, no Freebird?
 
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