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(The Enterprise)   Boot camp for first-time fathers. New fathers learn diapering, bonding with the infant, circumcision pros/cons, and that a sick infant is capable of vomiting food 22 feet   ( divider line
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8117 clicks; posted to Main » on 02 Jan 2005 at 4:10 PM (12 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

250 Comments     (+0 »)

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2005-01-02 12:33:39 PM  
I coulda used something like this. I was _totally_ unprepared to deal with an infant. I mean, I read and learned as much as I could beforehand, but you just don't know until the poop hits the diaper.
2005-01-02 03:27:54 PM  
That's a nifty idea.

Also the vomiting thing is mind blowing. I guess you don't have to be possessed by Satan to projectile vomit.

/waiting for the first "Exorcist" picture
2005-01-02 03:50:43 PM  
As the father of twin babies I can say that I have not seen 22 feet projectile, but that was cuz there was a wall in the way every time they shot puke out...Man...that is not fun at all...
2005-01-02 04:11:37 PM  
I remember feeling pretty overwhelmed when I brought my son home from the hospital. I was afraid I was going to break him. You learn pretty quickly that they are very durable.
The funniest lesson I learned was the one where almost every time I took off his diaper to change him he would immediately start pissing all over the place! He painted the walls a couple of times, that's for sure. Then you figure out that you've got to put a towel over their wang.
/good times though
2005-01-02 04:21:11 PM  
this is pretty stupid!! humans have gotten along for thousands of years without this
2005-01-02 04:21:11 PM  
welcome to profile pic shows....i'm up to my ass in neon green doodoo AND projectile vomiting....but it has its good side...
/still waiting for said good side
2005-01-02 04:24:02 PM  
Just to pose a question: is having kids worth it? I'm undecided in that column.
2005-01-02 04:24:25 PM  
My kid sprays vomit like that dinosaur in Jurassic Park. The one that killed Newman.
2005-01-02 04:25:24 PM  
Do they say anything about that stank-nasty, disgusting black thing dying (yet still clinging) to their belly buttons for the first 2 weeks?

/became a first time dad in March
2005-01-02 04:26:05 PM  
[image from too old to be available]
2005-01-02 04:27:05 PM  
My advice, and I'm a father of 3 boys. (13, 9 and 3)

1) Don't have children until you're at least 30. You'll appreciate them more.
2) Don't hit your kids. I mean that sincerely. You'll always regret it if you do. (This also includes belittling them, making them feel inferior, yelling for the sake of making you feel better, or calling them things you wouldn't want people to call you)
3) Spend time with them. Don't have children if you're not willing to spend a good deal of your free time just being with them.
4) Read to them. It'll expand their minds. And yours.
5) Play games with them. (Draw, paint, build, video whatever).
6) Love them. You don't always have to like them, but love them anyway.
7) Change diapers. It puts a whole new prespective on being a father, and makes you appreciate what mothers go through.
8) Be there the day they're born. I mean in the room, watching what happens. Makes you appreciate what you've got, and how short the time really is.

I've probably missed a lot, but those are the basics. Sometimes, I wished I could start all over again, but I'm afraid I'd just make new mistakes.
2005-01-02 04:27:22 PM  
2005-01-02 04:28:12 PM  
My kid can vomit up to 40 feet. It's all in the swinging technique.
2005-01-02 04:28:26 PM  
dg51: For every moment of disgusting crap and hard work a baby causes, it brings 1000 moments where you can't imagine what life would be like without her.

TOTALLY worth it... assuming you're not a 14-year-old crackwhore.
2005-01-02 04:28:27 PM  
no thank you
2005-01-02 04:28:49 PM  
Honestly, what are the pros of circumcision? I hear there is a smaller chance of penile cancer. But, come on. Penile cancer is exceedingly rare.

To me, circumcision just seems like a ritual that is useless and barbaric.
2005-01-02 04:30:06 PM  

Unless it's between two consenting adults.
2005-01-02 04:30:25 PM  
Ralph Kramden would never sign-up for this, because he is the king of his castle(and he never really had sex with Alice).
2005-01-02 04:31:14 PM  

2005-01-02 04:32:42 PM  
Maybrick hit the nail on the head.
Also -- a bootcamp?!? -- being a new dad isn't that hard.
It's basically a five-point checklist when they cry:
1) Is it hungry?
2) Is it wet/dirty?
3) Is it too warm?
4) Is it too cold?
5) Does it just want to be held?

Go through that checklist and 99.9% of the time you'll have made them happy.
2005-01-02 04:33:27 PM  
2005-01-02 04:24:25 PM CaptainBuggernuts

My kid sprays vomit like that dinosaur in Jurassic Park. The one that killed Newman.

[image from too old to be available]

[image from too old to be available]
2005-01-02 04:33:56 PM  
Meet The Farkers?
2005-01-02 04:34:01 PM  
For the other .01%. Just shake them vigourosly.
2005-01-02 04:36:03 PM  
Whorey: Nice math skillz!
2005-01-02 04:37:14 PM  
What? No one mentioned the stream of urine in the eye? I've been told I was quite good at that.
2005-01-02 04:37:27 PM  
Uh...the 'pros' of circumcision? Unless you're a religious FARKtard, there are none.
2005-01-02 04:37:48 PM  
I think this is a good idea, traditionally its the mother who takes care of everything while the man goes out and works, with things obviously changing a program like this would be good for a headstart. With that being said ive told ever GF ive had that i want 99 kids, i usually get the reaction i expect not the one i want ;op
2005-01-02 04:38:12 PM  

What did you expect from a baby shaker?
2005-01-02 04:38:22 PM  

You said it - it's a useless and barbaric ritual. On the plus side, it's going away. From what I understand, it proliferated in western society in the late 1800s as a way of curbing masturbation. People have found other ways to rationalize/justify it over the ensuing generations. Of course change is gradual, but I think it will go away almost entirely over the next couple of generations.
2005-01-02 04:38:44 PM  
Just my opinion: Don't think that being a good father means "doing" things with your kids all the time. Most of the time, as Maybrick said, it's just being there with them. Kids today are so overscheduled and overprogrammed that they lose their imagination before it ever gets off the ground.

You don't have to be the coach of the T-ball team to be a good father. Just play in the yard with them for a couple of hours, if that's what they want to do.
2005-01-02 04:39:02 PM  
Must have run in the family...
2005-01-02 04:39:39 PM  
For the record. We did not have our son circumsized.

/like son shaken, not circed.
2005-01-02 04:41:35 PM  
Circumcision- Pros

(For the record, I'm circumcised, my son is not.)

Most boys in the United States today are circumcised, however, it is far less common worldwide.

Many parents choose to have their sons circumcised because "all the other men in the family were circumcised" or because they dont want their sons to feel "different." If you choose not to have your son circumcised, you may notice as he gets older that his penis looks different than some of the other boys. If your son seems concerned about this, you may need to talk to him about why he is not circumcised.

Reasons Many Parents Choose Circumcision

Research studies suggest that there are some good medical why your son should be circumcised. These include:

Circumcision lowers your sons chances of getting a urinary tract infection (UTI) in the first year of life.
Although a rare condition, cancer of the penis is essentially eliminated in circumcised males.
Research shows that males who are circumcised have a slightly lower risk of getting sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).
Circumcision eliminates foreskin infection that occur at the peak ages of 3 to 5 years.
Circumcision prevents phimosis, a narrow opening that makes it impossible to retract the foreskin at a later age.
Genital hygiene, which is particularly important in unsanitary conditions, may be easier after circumcision.
2005-01-02 04:42:00 PM  
How about:
How to change your identity and buy a one-way ticket to Alaska instructions!

/Hyernel would be a good daddy.
2005-01-02 04:42:21 PM  
I'm circumsized, and sure as hell never missed anything. Hell, supposedly I'm missing some nerves or something, but I don't need them. Used to have a hard enough time lasting any appreciable amount of time in the sack. I'd think having more nerves would have only hurt that.
2005-01-02 04:42:58 PM  
So not really to that extent, but I think that parenting classes should be required for all expectant parents. You have to get a license to drive, but any farktard can have a kid. It makes no sense to me.
2005-01-02 04:44:10 PM  
Projectile vomiting? Hah! My little girl at age 2 months projectile liqui-crapped all over my wife (and the changing table, her crib, her box of baby wipes, etc.). I saw it happen, and we were just shocked and stunned. Baby vomit is nothing if you've been defecated on. I say this despite my kid puking in my ear the other day.

/didn't need a boot camp to learn how to change a diaper.
2005-01-02 04:46:38 PM  

heehee, your post reminded of some of Wanda Sykes' standup, paraphrased.. "kids.. they're a lot of work, but they're worth it." Then she goes into a tirade about the various things you deal with as parents but "kids, a lot of work, but they're worth it, mmhm.."

I think you had to be there.
2005-01-02 04:48:14 PM  

2005-01-02 04:56:41 PM  
Circumcision was a common procedure in delivery rooms in the early 80s...I don't think my parents were even consulted on the matter. "It's a boy! *slice*"

This doesn't explain why my cousin born six weeks earlier wasn't, though. Of course, he was delivered by C-section, so maybe they ran out of scalpels.
2005-01-02 04:57:38 PM  
[image from too old to be available]
2005-01-02 04:59:24 PM  
Might be too late for you, but I went the other direction and got a vasectomy at 23 (no kids). 35 now, no regrets.

It all has to do with what you want.

If you decide to have kids, I strongly urge a permanent contraceptive measure after you've had two.
2005-01-02 05:04:21 PM  
It's so good to see people who care about their children and want to actually raise them. I still weep for my country's future, however.
2005-01-02 05:04:35 PM  
005-01-02 04:38:22 PM Alex Chilton
You said it - it's a useless and barbaric ritual. On the plus side, it's going away. From what I understand, it proliferated in western society in the late 1800s as a way of curbing masturbation.

Really? Well, it doesn't work.

2005-01-02 05:05:33 PM  

seen that routine on comedy central...still laugh about it every time i change a diaper..
/best humor comes from real life
//g/f wont let me photoshop horns and a 666 on his head
2005-01-02 05:06:54 PM  
What's one advantage of being circumcised?

No smegma to clean.

/hates the word "smegma"
2005-01-02 05:08:21 PM  
If this article says something about 22-foot projectile vomit, I missed it.
And just how do you cope with a wife who starts being less attentive to you after the child arrives? I want kids someday but I know that that would drive me crazy.
2005-01-02 05:14:30 PM  
And just how do you cope with a wife who starts being less attentive to you after the child arrives?

I assume you meant to write "less attractive"
2005-01-02 05:16:27 PM  
Being the dad of a 5 month old, only one thing has shocked me so far. That as the time he crapped himself and squished it around to the point where it was from his belly button, to halfway up his back and halfway down his legs.

It took 10 minutes to get it out of all his folds.
2005-01-02 05:17:57 PM  
And that 0.2 ml of Apple Juice can make an entire floor into a sticky mess!

They should also have this as compulsory course reading:

This Week's In My Humble Opinion Column: Child's Play
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