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(desertnews.com)   The year in review by Dave Barry   (deseretnews.com) divider line 96
    More: Misc  
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20853 clicks; posted to Main » on 01 Jan 2005 at 4:28 PM (9 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2005-01-01 10:34:51 AM
Good use of the Misc tag.
 
2005-01-01 12:43:49 PM
Oh, I don't know, I think this called for the "Amusing" tag.

Which kind of wine goes with satire, BTW?
 
2005-01-01 02:37:34 PM
Perhaps most alarming of all, Cher yet again extended her "farewell" tour, which began during the Jimmy Carter administration and is now expected to continue until the sun goes out.

HAHAHAHAHHAAHHA
 
2005-01-01 03:56:40 PM
Gotta love the guy :)
 
ZAZ [TotalFark]
2005-01-01 04:15:52 PM
John Kerry easily sweeps to a 53-state landslide victory in the exit polls and has pretty much picked out his new Cabinet when word begins to leak out that the actual, physical voters have elected George W. Bush. Democrats struggle to understand how this could have happened, and, after undergoing a harsh and unsparing self-examination, conclude that red-state residents are morons. Some Democrats threaten to move to Canada; Republicans, in a gracious gesture of reconciliation, offer to help them pack.

My favorite bit, with very little of Barry's typical exaggeration.

I also agree with Dave Barry that there is no need to relentlessly rub the Yankee's record setting choking, their squandering a lead previously believed insurmountable, and return on investment in their enourmous payroll, the fact that the Yankees will watch when the Red Sox receive the World Series award in a ceremony during their home opener, in New Yorkers' faces. Not necessary at all. But fun.
 
2005-01-01 04:39:41 PM
Dave Barry haters start biatching in 5...4...
 
2005-01-01 04:40:53 PM
The man is a comic genius.
 
2005-01-01 04:46:30 PM
i actually liked howard dean ;p
 
2005-01-01 04:50:30 PM
I wish I was capable of having the man's babies.
 
2005-01-01 04:50:43 PM
So were the rumors of this guy's retirement exaggerated?

Dave Barry and Mitch Albom respresent everything that's wrong with newspaper writing.
 
2005-01-01 04:52:01 PM
2005-01-01 04:39:41 PM Dunnski


Dave Barry haters start biatching in 5...4...

Yeah, see here's the problem with Dave Barry: he's not funny.
 
2005-01-01 04:53:03 PM
. . . the Boston Red Sox, ending an 86-year drought, defeat the St. Louis Cardinals to win the World Series, defying exit polls that had overwhelmingly picked the Green Bay Packers. The Red Sox get into the Series thanks to the fact that the New York Yankees who were leading the American League championships three games to none, and have all-stars at every position, not to mention a payroll larger than the gross national product of Sweden chose that particular time to execute the most spectacular choke in all of sports history, an unbelievable Gag-o-Rama, a noxious nosedive, a pathetic gut-check failure of such epic dimensions that every thinking human outside of the New York Metropolitan area experienced a near-orgasmic level of happiness. But there is no need to rub it in.
 
2005-01-01 04:55:33 PM
Wow, Dave must like me. I was mentioned several times.
 
2005-01-01 04:57:53 PM
Martha Stewart behind bars and Osama still making videotaped announcements.

A legitimate gripe. Adding to his list:

US building largest deficit in history shortly after Bush pushes federal spending into things like marriage counseling, space superiority, no child left behind, etc.

Social Security reform suddenly becomes a priority now that there is no money to fix it.

Delta and USAir surprised when their workers decide to call in sick during holiday season. Companies respond by asking them to work for free.

Over 1,000 US Soldiers are lost to the war in IRAQ while we continue to watch Iran and North Korea push the envelope with nuclear ambitions. Bush Administration reiterates "no draft," as Rumsfeld decides we can probably take over the world with the "army we've got"

/skeptical
 
2005-01-01 04:59:21 PM
Yay for Davd Barry not being really retired!
 
2005-01-01 05:00:52 PM
Eh. No mention of the Tsunami.
 
2005-01-01 05:03:54 PM
Why does Dave Barry hate exit polls?

/legitimate question
 
2005-01-01 05:04:41 PM
SirVimes: Eh. No mention of the Tsunami.

1) Is this tsunami now "the Tsunami" like Dwight Clark made "the Catch?"

2) The Dave Barry article writing simulator must have spit this out two weeks ago.
 
2005-01-01 05:06:06 PM
Funny stuff...

Is it just me, or did my computer's font just get really, really small after I closed that page?
 
2005-01-01 05:08:37 PM
Dave Barry's the guy at the end of the bar who is slightly clever but not 1/10 as clever as he thinks he is.
 
2005-01-01 05:10:43 PM
Dave Barry != funny.
 
2005-01-01 05:11:08 PM
Wouldn't it be kinda tacky to mention the Tsunami (or any human tragedy) in a comedy piece?
 
ZAZ [TotalFark]
2005-01-01 05:11:36 PM
i actually liked howard dean ;p

I didn't like Dean but the reaction to the scream was silly.
 
2005-01-01 05:12:00 PM
Yeah...I know lots of not so clever guys at the end of the bar that are nationally syndicated.
 
2005-01-01 05:13:40 PM
Yes and we all know that financial success = talent.

The guy's kind of funny but I swear I've heard funnier comments on this site, not from me.
 
2005-01-01 05:15:42 PM
Ah... the perfect antidote after reading a BBSpot 'Humor' link.
 
2005-01-01 05:16:10 PM
HaywoodJablonski's right....what with this the Tsunami thing?
 
2005-01-01 05:20:22 PM
...."the Dude" wants to know.

 
2005-01-01 05:26:03 PM
Mugato: Dave Barry's the guy at the end of the bar who is slightly clever but not 1/10 as clever as he thinks he is.



This guy?

/liked the article
 
2005-01-01 05:27:16 PM
What the yardstick for talent?
 
2005-01-01 05:31:11 PM
What What's the yardstick for talent?
 
2005-01-01 05:31:11 PM
Dave Barry is such a funny guy, his books are even funnier
 
2005-01-01 05:31:27 PM
HaywoodJablonski's right....what with this the Tsunami thing?

Probably the same thing that's with "9/11" being used to describe the terrorist attacks despite being a date that recurs every year, "Pearl Harbor" usually referring to the Japanese bombing even though it's a place...

This is the only tsunami I know of that happened recently that killed anyone close to this many people (I'm not that old though), so it's not surprising people call it the Tsunami.
 
2005-01-01 05:32:51 PM
Dave Barry is funny as hell.

And I have a Howard Dean bumper sticker on my car. Still.
 
2005-01-01 05:37:59 PM
As a nation, we managed somehow to get even fatter, despite the fact that anti-carbohydrate mania worsened to the point where the average American would rather shoot heroin than eat a bagel.

Reminds me of this clip from the Daily Show from a segment on the Atkin's craze:

"Smirnoff, the world's top-selling vodka, is riding the Atkin's craze by running a series of new ads proudly proclaiming its product has zero carbs. Wow, that's great! Hey, you know what also has zero carbs? Heroin. Yeah, it has zero carbs. Unfortunately, it's very high in heroin. Bit of a mixed blessing dietarily speaking: no carbs, but quite a bit of heroin."

I wonder if there's an influence here...
 
2005-01-01 05:38:23 PM
how about "the tsunami"?

I think everyone will know of which 't'sunami they're speaking of. In 5 years if there's confusion they can call it the Xmas Tsunami of 04'.
 
2005-01-01 05:39:41 PM
Dave Barry is the shiat.
 
2005-01-01 05:42:32 PM
or..."The Sweet Baby Jesus Tsunami".

/runs to catch train to hell
 
2005-01-01 05:47:32 PM
"Dean, reacting to his Iowa loss, gives an emotional concession speech that ends with him making a sound like a hog being castrated with a fondue fork."

How would Dave know what a hog being castrated with a fondue
fork sounds like? Has he been doing experiments on sounds
made by hogs during castration? How much difference is there to the hog what they use to castrate him with? Why would someone castrate a hog? This is all very disturbing.
 
2005-01-01 05:52:23 PM
This guy never fails to impress me.
 
2005-01-01 05:54:05 PM
The people who don't find Dave Barry funny are probably the same people who thought Equilibrium was a good movie. As such, they don't count in my worldview.

The way that he throws out the most wonderfully obscure and poignant references tickles my brain like my aunt's fingers on the bottoms of my feet when I was five. Good stuff.

/so there! pffffbt!
 
2005-01-01 05:56:22 PM
funniest thing i've read in a while.
 
2005-01-01 05:57:52 PM
...tickles my brain like my aunt's fingers on the bottoms of my feet when I was five.

More information than I wanted to know

 
2005-01-01 05:58:30 PM
TheGreatGazoo:

Wouldn't it be kinda tacky to mention the Tsunami (or any human tragedy) in a comedy piece?


He did talk about the election a lot though...


//rimshot
 
2005-01-01 06:00:28 PM
Some of my favorite Barry quotes:

So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an
article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But
others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"


When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I
have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with
slightly over half that quantity of beer.
-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"



The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose", which is
also sometimes called "grape sugar," and also because "Grape Nuts" is
catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil Food and
Gravel," which is what it tastes like.
-- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"


I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet,
so I took his shoes.
-- Dave Barry
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off
during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
-- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
Teen Should Know"



Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants,
today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
-- Dave Barry
Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she
lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always
getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to
the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their
sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her?
What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under
the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever.
They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the
applications for.
-- Dave Barry
 
2005-01-01 06:03:48 PM
Kilmore

Hey, you callin' me a four-toer??

...cause I am a four-toer. Sniffle.
 
2005-01-01 06:04:41 PM
God damn that guy is funny.
 
2005-01-01 06:05:24 PM
He forgot Poland.
 
2005-01-01 06:12:12 PM
totalbanalilation6969

At least you save 1/5th on....
 
2005-01-01 06:27:55 PM
Anybody know when he's supposed to retire? Gonna be a sad day, I've been reading his column since I can remember.
 
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