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(USA Today)   For all Farkers travelling this holiday season, TSA gives advice on how to avoid the snap of a rubber glove   (usatoday.com ) divider line
    More: PSA  
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17103 clicks; posted to Main » on 23 Dec 2004 at 10:26 AM (11 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



178 Comments   (+0 »)
   

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2004-12-23 01:28:40 AM  
If you want to get through quick, just moan as they pat you down.

Mmmm, yeah...

Pat me there.... Oh, yes...
 
2004-12-23 01:43:25 AM  
Don't shove illicit narcotics or prohibited wildlife up your bunghole and you should be right as rain.
 
2004-12-23 01:50:25 AM  
Ya know, for decades no one had to remove their shoes when going through the Heil Hitler Metal Detector, and it never set them off. Now all of a sudden, a friggin' screw or nail in a shoe heel is enough to trigger the metal detector? Me thinks the TSA has drastically increased the sensitivity level of said detectors.

Oh, and THANKS FOR CONFISCATING MY NAIL CLIPPERS LAST SUMMER, YOU FARKING HITLER YOUTH DISCIPLES. God only knows I could have given someone a HANGNAIL!!!
 
2004-12-23 01:52:37 AM  
C'mon Jack Torrence - relax, you'll live longer.

If nothing else, don't you FEEL SAFER while on the plane?
 
2004-12-23 02:01:20 AM  
Who would want to avoid the rubber glove?
 
2004-12-23 02:09:23 AM  
With the amount of reported thefts going on at airport screening lines, you might end up missing a kidney or a spleen or something.
 
2004-12-23 02:33:52 AM  
prohibited wildlife up your bunghole

Rabbits are cool. It's not like they're endangered. They do fark like bunnies and all. But man, you tie their ears back and slick them with a coating of Vaseline and... Anyway, don't put illicit drugs or prohibited wildlife in your bunghole.
 
2004-12-23 07:23:02 AM  
Jack Torrence:

Me thinks the TSA has drastically increased the sensitivity level of said detectors.

This depends on the airport, but yeah I tend to agree with you. I have to travel a lot for work, and it seems a LOT harder to get through one with a "benign" amount of metal on your person.
 
2004-12-23 08:49:45 AM  
I got stopped trying to go through the airport security with one of the keychain type multi tool things.... before you say dumbass let me explain. It did not have any blades at all, it was a foldable pair of small pliers that when fully folded out was about as big as your index finger, the reason for them to confiscate it was that it had a screwdriver bit on the end of it. The screwdriver bit was just a bit bigger than an eyeglasses screwdriver. Best bit was that I had this in my hand luggage and it was the security check on the destination airport where I got stopped, so I had traveled on the plane and just had to through this final check to collect the luggage.... they stopped me, took it off me. I tried to explain that I was sorry and since I didn't hijack the plane could they let me off... I got the 'look' and decided I wouldn't pursue the matter any further for fear of the glove
 
2004-12-23 09:17:40 AM  
I dunno why I'd want to avoid it. Hell, the best part of traveling is the free foreplay.
 
2004-12-23 10:30:08 AM  
Don't travel with salami
 
2004-12-23 10:30:48 AM  
[image from trainwreckcentral2.com too old to be available]
 
2004-12-23 10:35:15 AM  
"Don't care how long they detain me at the airport, that little Mangina Deuce Bigalo better not have messed up my condo, or I'll kill him !"
[image from alicia-logic.com too old to be available]
 
2004-12-23 10:35:21 AM  
Has anyone else had theft problems since the new regulations such as not being able to lock your suitcase took effect?
I can't believe some of the things that have "disappeared" from my luggage the past couple of years.
 
2004-12-23 10:35:40 AM  
Rabbits are cool. It's not like they're endangered. They do fark like bunnies and all. But man, you tie their ears back and slick them with a coating of Vaseline and... Anyway, don't put illicit drugs or prohibited wildlife in your bunghole.

I prefer hamsters. I like it when they do the "wheel thing".

/can't beat the wheel thing
 
2004-12-23 10:36:03 AM  
I like the part where they suggest you remove your shoes, but it is not required... but if you take it upon yourself to NOT remove them, you get sent to the glove line and are treated like a suspect.

farktards all of them.
 
2004-12-23 10:37:33 AM  
They took a network crimper I had in my laptop case last year.
A NETWORK CRIMPER.
crazy.
I'll CRIMP YOUR LITTLE FINGER! You'll be able to plug it into RJ45 JACKS!

/no, really. i will!
 
2004-12-23 10:37:41 AM  
[image from eyc-online.org too old to be available]
 
2004-12-23 10:37:52 AM  
I love to go through security singing the following:

Touch me,
Feel me,
Love me,
Just don't call me
In the morning.


Seems to make for some quick trips through the line.
 
2004-12-23 10:39:09 AM  
Baggage handlers are mostly petty thieves.
 
2004-12-23 10:39:12 AM  
Smell the glove.

/they find that really off-putting
 
2004-12-23 10:39:24 AM  
I have to take off my shoes every single time.

It is funny watching the screeners who have never seen a pair of steel toed dhoes that are more like hiking boots.
 
2004-12-23 10:39:28 AM  
If nothing else, don't you FEEL SAFER while on the plane?

I hope that was sarcasm. I'd list a million weapons you can smuggle onto or that they give you on a plane if you're a terrorist not strong enough to simply bust open the cockpit and beat the shiat out of the captain but I don't want to wind up on any government lists. Too late I guess.

Calm down, people. The chances of you getting struck by lightning are better than you dying in an accident, hyjacking, terrorist attack, mechanical failure on a plane. And you all get into cars every day. People are morons.
 
2004-12-23 10:39:52 AM  
The TSA urged travelers to check their pockets and carry-on bags for prohibited items such as guns and pocket knives before leaving for the airport.

Damn, now where did i leave my AK? Hooney, is it in your bag?
 
2004-12-23 10:40:08 AM  
dhoes? shoes?

too much vodka this morning.
 
2004-12-23 10:41:28 AM  
Flying car technology is being supressed by power hungry TSA directors.
 
2004-12-23 10:47:17 AM  
Avoid it?!? I get one a week!

We are talking about prostate exams, aren't we?
 
2004-12-23 10:48:50 AM  
"Remind older children not to make jokes about bombs."

Well thats just no fun :(

"Put undeveloped film in carry-on bags; bomb-screening machines can damage it."

Soooooo, does that mean I can sue them for damaged film and mental distress ?? what? I don't get it!

"Leave gifts unwrapped; screeners may have to unwrap them to check their contents. "

I love opening presents, I need to get me a new job!
 
2004-12-23 10:49:17 AM  
Rupert Birkin: smell the glove

I like going through security while wearing my own rubber glove. Safety first!
 
2004-12-23 10:50:21 AM  
It depends if the gloves are the pre-lubed kind.
 
2004-12-23 10:50:30 AM  
From the chronicles of "Only In America"

"...check their pockets and carry-on bags for prohibited items such as guns..."

Doh! I forgot I had that in there.
 
2004-12-23 10:50:44 AM  
You know I wouldn't mind the searches so much if they actually meant something. But as it is they don't look through all the checked luggage or cargo so the searches are worthless.

/Attractive female, travels alone -- always gets searched.
//Bra patdown getting old.
///Should buy me dinner first
 
2004-12-23 10:53:22 AM  
Put undeveloped film in carry-on bags; bomb-screening machines can damage it.

boy, that makes me feel REAL safe...
 
2004-12-23 10:55:55 AM  
mugato, if their confiscating nail clippers and R-jack crimpers, I pretty much doubt that. I just got done flying to fl for the R and R, and it was fairly painless. Of course having traveled plenty before, I pretty much new the drill as soon as I got to the counter space. Over size coat down, check, pda, phone, headphones basket, check, laptop case open, out.. 2 baskets.. check. run through, reverse process. I even set the metal detector asccidently by forgetting the phone, poped it off and ran through again.. was on my way in no time. Maybe they saw that since I didn't seem like an airport noob, they figured I flew often. ^^
 
2004-12-23 10:56:05 AM  
When they serve the inflight meals do you have a fork or a spork?
 
2004-12-23 10:56:06 AM  
Smell the Glove

[image from cs.rochester.edu too old to be available]
 
2004-12-23 10:56:08 AM  
*prepares self to waddle like a duck through security*
 
2004-12-23 10:56:37 AM  
Can someone please explain to me why they don't want your gifts wrapped? West Jet here in Canada sent me the same message along with my ticket, and I just don't get it. Do the x-ray machines not see through paper these days?

Okay, if the contents of the presents look suspicious on the screen, I get that, but WJ is asking that no wrapped presents go in carry-on.

/the chef's knife will be going under the plane . . .
 
2004-12-23 10:56:40 AM  
Damn cold weather cancelled my flight this morning. I go pre-lubed and glove ready--sometimes with a surprise inside like a happy meal. Thanks to this cold snap I'll be packin' a rubber donkey for 6 hours.

/shifts in seat
 
2004-12-23 10:57:01 AM  
I like wearing my 1/2" thick, 8" diameter plate belt buckle with a golden soaring eagle embossed on the front through airport security. Nothing intimidates the x-ray techs more than a big black oval... "Nice belt buckle" is usually all they can muster. Makes their lives better, makes my life better.

Next time I travel, though, I'm not going to wear my "Sex Bomb" teeshirt.
 
2004-12-23 10:58:18 AM  
I'm just going to go to the airport in a speedo and flip-flops.
I despise having to take off my shoes. WTF? How about a place to take them off and a place to put them back on? Or how about not making me walk through the same nasty carpet that thousands of other barefoot slobs have walked through. farking TSA!
And no I don't feel the slightest bit safer on the plane. It's just less crowded at the gate without all of the non-fliers.
 
2004-12-23 10:59:36 AM  
hit reply to early as I forgot to say something. Just remember, statisticly you are alot more likely to die in a crash due to mechanical failure then you are terrorist here. And even then that is a very small percentage considering just how many flights there are per day. So no matter how many crash scenarios go through your head, just keep reminding yourself that it's not bloody likely to happen.
 
2004-12-23 10:59:37 AM  
"IT is a gyroscopic cycle that requires the rider to use four flexi-grip handles. Two of the handles the rider holds onto with their hand, another requires the user to place their mouth over to operate the turn signals and the last one require the rider to insert into their anus, so that they can be held in place."

Well, it IS better than how the airlines treat you...
 
2004-12-23 10:59:46 AM  
In other words....

JUST FARKING DRIVE!
 
2004-12-23 11:02:29 AM  
And don't look at them funny or sass them.

Merle hates sassin!
 
2004-12-23 11:03:17 AM  
Jack Torrence: Me thinks the TSA has drastically increased the sensitivity level of said detectors.

I used to work at the Pentagon during the 90s. They would often raise or lower the sensitivity of the metal detectors at the Metro entrance (which looked just like an airport security gate) in response to the times (after the Oklahoma City bombing, it was almost picking up the fillings in my teeth).

thebookgirl: Has anyone else had theft problems since the new regulations such as not being able to lock your suitcase took effect?

Last year, I let one of my friends borrow my first season boxed set of Ranma 1/2. After she'd gone through airport security on the way home, all of the DVDs were missing -- they'd opened up the cases, taken the DVDs, then put the empty cases back.

Rupert Birkin: Smell the glove.
/they find that really off-putting

So do I. That's Spinal Tap's second worst album, after Shark Sandwich.

 
2004-12-23 11:03:23 AM  
Let's all shout out the USA's new national slogan:

CONFORM!! OBEY!! PRAY USA!!!!
 
2004-12-23 11:05:00 AM  
oh and as one of those TSA lackeys that you guys love so much when we tell you that your shoes will set off the metal detector and that you should take them off, please listen to us, we (for the most part) know what we are doing.
 
2004-12-23 11:05:38 AM  
del_ctrl_alt,

They're making you go through security checks to retrieve your bags now? What the hell is that supposed to accomplish? Couldn't those TSA agents better use their time doing something that at least looks like it's helping?
 
2004-12-23 11:06:06 AM  
Airport lowlifes stole a nylon baggie of birth control pills, melatonin, calcium supplements, and benedryl from my checked luggage. Maybe they mistook my melatonin for contraband ecstacy or crack rocks. I had to delay my vacation a day waiting for my prescription to be transferred from alaska to connecticut so i could replace them. So carry your prescriptions in your carryon is the lesson there.

Another time some butterfingered TSA guy dropped my 2000.00 laptop while swabbing it down for explosives... and another time they unsealed my CLEAR nalgene to check the water for see-through pointy objects or invisible guns or who knows what, and didn't reseal it properly so when we took off and they pressurized the cabin it leaked all over the inside of my 300.00 leather bag.

Yeah as a very frequent flyer I am at the end of my rope with the TSA. Unfortunately amtrak is so much more expensive my company does not use it.

And Mugato is right. We have a better chance of getting waxed in car accident on the highway than the plane going down due to terrorists. Even before they started inspecting water in a clear container and poking at boobs.

I think part of the problem is when these overkill safety regulations went into effect, they needed people so quickly and in such volume they hired anyone who could prop their drooping jaw up long enough to have their their picture taken for their TSA badges.
 
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