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(BBSpot)   Nolan Curtis - bitter tech support advisor. Probably related to Drew somehow.   ( ) divider line
    More: Satire  
•       •       •

3359 clicks; posted to Main » on 21 Feb 2002 at 1:33 AM (14 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

34 Comments     (+0 »)
2002-02-21 01:36:03 AM  
DEU - Defective End User
2002-02-21 01:38:45 AM  
2002-02-21 01:38:47 AM  
Aye Dee ten Tee error

pepkac - problem exists between keyboard and chair
raro - remove and replace opperator
2002-02-21 01:40:41 AM  
7 no-hitters. 7!!!
2002-02-21 01:42:46 AM  
12 o'clocl flasher?
2002-02-21 01:45:27 AM  
2002-02-21 01:45:34 AM  
Not that funny...
2002-02-21 01:53:53 AM  
Nick Burns: YOUR Company's Computer Guy!
2002-02-21 01:59:21 AM  
Hey Drew news flash:I didnt read it all
2002-02-21 02:14:10 AM  
Heh.Almost like real tech support.I do have a problem,as a tech,that I sure hope someone can help me with.You see,every caller I get inevitably demands to talk to a higher up for some reason.It starts out ok,with them giving me their system info(name,address,phone etcetera).I crack a friendly joke,saying I've been to their neck of the woods,and boy,I've never seen so much inbred white trash,especially in front of their house.No one ever seems to laugh at that.Does anyone know of a surefire funny joke?Then we get into troubleshooting?A lot of the callers aren't geniuses,but I try to make them feel good by saying that the mangy,half blind neighborhood dog with pieces of it falling off is twice as smart as they are.I'm just trying to help and encourage,but they seem to get a tone to their voice when I say that.Why?Do I need better positive support?Then we try to continue to fix their problem("FORMAT C: /Q /U" in DOS will install Windows Solitaire,right?),but things just get worse.They start to cry and scream because they've now lost(pick one),Quake savegames,term papers,Fortune 500 spreadsheets,or a state's entire medical records database.
I get annoyed,because listening to people break down is no fun,so I tell them that I am paid to fix problems,not to listen to a whiny crybaby looking for mama's teat,and that they need to call customer service.They ask for the number in between sobs,and I tell them that I'd love to give it to them,but I missed that day of training because I was having a menage a trois with their grandmother and sister,who are both horrible lays,the sister especially.At this point they ask for a supervisor.I either cold transfer them to the level 2 tech support queue,or say"Here you go!" and hit Line Release on the phone.Am I doing somethng wrong?
2002-02-21 02:15:35 AM  
[image from too old to be available] BBSpot writes clever and amusing satire article.
2002-02-21 02:38:51 AM  
Kthulhu you aren't the one who said he used to work in Chandler, AZ for MCI are you? I'll check back in a minute have to go to the store.
2002-02-21 02:39:52 AM  
Well, its kinda right except most users assume that your company is at fault for (insert their mental (sry, technical) problem here) and are pretty nasty about it. The letters are more along the lines of:

"You guys are always screwing up my account (blatant lie), I could count a hundred other websites that provide your service (another blatant lie) . Fix my account NOW or I will cancel my service with you (highly unlikely). I have been using the same login and password for 5 years (they have no idea what their password is) and I AM typing it in correctly (2 words - caps lock). I am going to write a e-mail to you every 15min until its fixed (so painfully true)."

Stupid people are a fact of life so my policy on it is to ignore everything they have said...forward a VERY detailed explanation of the importance of keeping their login and password in a safe place so that the next time their dumbass forgets it they will know where to look as well as a PAINFULLY kindergarten explanation of what your caps lock does on your computer.....and just when they are thinking that your severely mocking them...sum the conversation up by telling them it was your pleasure to help them out and wishing them a great day. The confusion will overload their brain.
2002-02-21 02:47:32 AM  
Pornosaur-Arizona?!I'd never and have never worked there!I've never seen so much white trash as I have in Arizona![image from too old to be available]
2002-02-21 02:51:13 AM  
Must be a hidden windows setting.

"start over from the beginning, making sure your idiot level is on its lowest setting"
2002-02-21 02:52:36 AM  

I've seen funnier. Real life one's too.

I've personally had to do phone support for people who:
a) Thought the monitor was a scanner, and kept holding documents up on the screen to "scan them in"
b) thought the computer had a drive shaft or fan belt because "it seems to be slow starting up in the morning, and I was wondering if the fan belt was slipping or something"
c) had a faulty keyboard, but neglected to tell me that they'd spilt coke on it the night before.

Plus a few other amazing bits of stupidity, but I'll leave it there.
2002-02-21 02:55:34 AM  
This cheeses it.I proclaim myself head tech of Farkistan!Fight to the death for all challengers!
2002-02-21 03:00:03 AM  
My favs are

1. Computer plugged into outlet controlled by lightswitch.
2. Turning the monitor power off to turn the computer off
3. Trying to locate the "anykey" on the keyboard
4. I know this one is "urban legend" status, really happened to me on a call though. The old CD-rom drive coffee holder.
2002-02-21 03:02:20 AM  
Hate to toot my own horn,but I seriously think my 02-21-02 02:14:10 AM post was better than te article.
2002-02-21 04:40:32 AM  
Wasn't this kinda done already with BOFH? Seems a bit like stealing old ideas while watering them out.
2002-02-21 04:47:44 AM  
Calan-Kinda.Although the BOFH stories were more like an internal thought monologue.This was just lame tech humor crap,no where near BOFH quality.
2002-02-21 07:00:25 AM  
No, I'm sorry Kthulu. Neither you, nor the article, were funny. I would suggest muffling that horn.
2002-02-21 07:59:32 AM  
Ghost_who_walks: Thats too funny mate, I can't believe the monitor/scanner one... HAWHAW!
2002-02-21 08:45:06 AM  
I dealt with a woman who thought the mouse was a "footswitch." Man, do I NOT miss that job!

PEBCAK - Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard.
2002-02-21 08:46:56 AM  
I did support for an ISP for a while. The biggest jackass was this guy that would call up once a week and completely lose it about his email account (not working or whatever). Finally the boss got on the phone with him one day and said "Sir, I'm sorry we can't meet your needs so I think it's best if we cancel your account and you can find an ISP that can help you better." "No! Wait! Wait!....." Butthead.

The dumbest was this one guy, and I'm not joking; I'm talking him through reinstalling dialup networking:

"Ok, so in the computer name field, enter your name"
"*fumbling sounds*... It doesn't work."
"I'm not sure what you mean, just click in the area beside where it says computer name, and just type in your name"
"*fumbling sounds*... Nope, still doesn't work. Hang on a sec.. *calls one of his kids*.... Ok, I got it"
"*whew*... Ok, where it says workgroup, type in (our domain name)"
"*fumbling sounds*... It doesn't work. Hang on... *calls kid again*"

We went through about 40 mins of this till finally he admitted he needed to know more and came in for a refund. At least he admitted it and didn't freak on ME, that's what they usually do.
2002-02-21 09:29:49 AM  
Ahh, the tech support horror stories! I hate to say it but I am caught up on at least one of those a day. Yesterday I had a woman who was changing from another isp and here is how part of it went.

Me: Ok you see that old dial up connection? Go ahead and delete it.
Her: How do I do that?
Me: Well click on it once, then hit 'delete' on your keyboard.
Her: I don't have that.
Me: Yes you do ma'am, it's on all keyboards.
Her: I don't have that!!
Me: It should be there ma'am, above the arrow keys.
Her: I don't see that on my screen!
Me: *grits teeth*ON YOUR KEYBOARD
Her: Oh! There it is! *delete*
(Ok, now I told her to click on my computer and it starts coming up with some weird 'rename' dialog box that I have no idea where it came from)
Me: Click on my computer ma'am.
Her: Ok, it says 'you must file a new file name'
Me: What?
Her: 'you must file a new file name'
Me: Well, I'm not sure *what* that is, how about we just hit the escape key?
Her: What's that?
Me: It's on your keyboard, upper left and it says 'esc'.
Her: I don't have it!
Me: *sigh* Yes you do.
Her: I don't see it on my screen!
Me: On. Your. Keyboard!

I seriously don't know how this woman survived to get to her age. Damn, now I need another cigarette.
2002-02-21 09:50:51 AM  
poor baby!! ;-) What about the woman Allen was talking to that ya'll thought that her kids wouldn't leave her alone or whatever while she was on the phone and it turned out she was talking to herself.

It's like working in a mental health ward for morons.
2002-02-21 09:56:15 AM  
This article wasn't funny, but it's too damn true. I am tech support at a school system, and I must say that teachers do not know how to use computers.At.All. Worst. Users. Ever.
2002-02-21 10:08:34 AM  
Not that funny, of course I've worked the field a couple years and don't miss it. If you want funny in the form of destruction of hardware, go read The Bastard Operator from Hell. Now that can be funny.
2002-02-21 11:08:38 AM  
No comment from Drew ?
It really must be a relative.
2002-02-21 11:25:46 AM  
Not that funny, of course I've worked the field a couple years and don't miss it. If you want funny in the form of destruction of hardware, go read The Bastard Operator from Hell. Now that can be funny.

just make sure you start with the 95 archives and work your way up to the current on the register
2002-02-21 11:35:02 AM  
You all think you have it bad? Try working for a university help deks and supporting a retired professor (90+ years old) who knows absolutely nothing about how to use a computer, and on top of that, forgets everything you have told him within 2 minutes. Did I mention he calls daily?
2002-02-21 01:50:53 PM  
Okay, my turn.
When I worked for Drew at DCR I had a man call up to tell me that he had a 'General Protection Fault' error on Netscape. Before I got a chance to tell him to ignore it, he then proceeded to tell me about having his buddies over and looking at "things they shouldn't have been looking at" - all the while emphatically claiming that he was NOT a pervert. He thought he computer was punishing him for looking at porn! true story.
2002-02-21 02:58:19 PM  
Rosalea - Of course, and those are what kept me sand working in the tech support field. Seriously funny stuff.
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