If this guy was going to rip off The Onion, why didn't he go ahead say "Area Man" instead of using a name? At least that way we would have known that it was a cheap knock-off before we (I) bothered to read it.

The Onion didn't invent satire.

Terminal Frost
No, but they did write that exact same article a few years back, if memory serves.

Lies, all lies. The election will be decided by a coin toss. Now whether they use the Massachusetts quarter or the Texas quarter is another issue altogether...

Farked already.

What is high in the middle and round on both side?

/got nuttin

Farkers have clicked on the above link 471 times

farked fast!

Since somebody has to say it, I, for one, welcome our new Zuklowskian overlord.

Bill and Lars.com

dead link.

Zero to farked in just under 2 minutes.

farked.
/expected

Is 'Bill Zuklowski' a pseudonym for 'William Rehnquist?'

Conservatives: I know you don't care what liberals have to say about Bush vs. Kerry, but please read what these conservatives do:

The Economist
American Conservative

Kerry will be an ineffectual president if he wins, since the senate and congress are both republican, but at least he won't do any real damage. Maybe in four years you'll be able to get John McCain in, and have a real conservative at the helm. Otherwise, your party's image will be tarnished for a very long time.

If you can't stomach voting for a democrat (I certainly don't blame you) perhaps a third party, Libertarian for instance.

Thanks for reading.

I'd hit it!

IT will be decided by me...I'm in Ohio..and I'm voting for General Ackbar!


Lauch endorses third party candidate General Ackbar.

Could it be? Would it be? Is it?

/FARKED

Jonas

John McCain a 'real conservative'????!!!!!

/LOL!

Didn't Isaac Asimov already cover this scenario in the 50's with his short story "Franchise"?

Es muy farko.

And yeah, I'd vote for McCain in a heartbeat.

Ohio
Pennsylvania
Florida

Who ever wins 2 out of 3 wins the election.

You heard it here first on Fark.com

"It's a trap!"

Broktun

Don't forget Poland!!!

Real conservatives vote Libertarian

Didn't SNL do a skit back in 98 or so where Clinton thanked one guy for voting for him and hence giving him the election?

Hmmmm... On the eve of the election...

Time for...




FLAME ON!!!

Broktun

I agree. However, there's an outside possibility of Kerry winning PA and OH, and losing one of IA, WI, MN or MI, and also losing the other fringe states (NM, NV, CO, NH, and HI). In that case, Kerry wins two of the three and loses the election.

/way too interested in this stuff

Vote Badnarik, Mr. Zuklowski!

John McCain? And you think W is bullheaded and stubborn.

And besides, has McCain/Feingold been effective? It doesn't appear to be.

Kerry just strikes me as another Jimmy Carter. Unemployment over 10% and the prime rate over 10%. Add a spectacular middle eastern policy....

/Glad my mortgage is fixed.

But, Bootsy - what about the colorado electoral college (possible) split? What then?

I, for one, think we're going to see elector dissention, where electors cast a no-vote or vote against their supposed candidate. George Bush will be re-elected, though he won't win the popular vote (again).

Real conservatives vote Libertarian

True. The republican party sold it's soul to the religious right 10 years ago.

You know, when people say that Kerry won't be able to work with Congress, they forget that there's two Congressional elections coming up - the one now, and one in 2006 - that may give Kerry the power he needs.

You know, when people say that Kerry won't be able to work with Congress

Things worked pretty well when Clinton was in office and the republicans held Congress. Kerry can't get any big budget spending increases through Congress, and he won't rubber-stamp any budget busting tax cuts for the top 2% of income earners.

This election will be determined by the African American electorate: Clarence Thomas.

Bush is up by 12 points in my state and rain is predicted for tomorrow. If the line to vote is more than a couple of hours long can I say "fark it"?

waterbottle

Yeah, he did. It's a great short story.

aginghipster

Looks like that isn't going to pass. The latest polls show the people of CO really aren't too interested in it, and are about 2/1 against it passing.

You think there's going to be dissention? The only possible dissention that I've heard about is an elector in VA is considering not voting for Bush. What else have you heard?

Jonas said

"Kerry will be an ineffectual president if he wins, since the senate and congress are both republican, but at least he won't do any real damage. Maybe in four years you'll be able to get John McCain in, and have a real conservative at the helm. Otherwise, your party's image will be tarnished for a very long time."

Image tarnished?

A Republican Senate and House got us where we are today. Which is pretty much universally hated and farked by most of the world. The only ones who don't openly admit to hating us are either afraid of us or are so dependent upon us that they can't risk standing up to us.

Debt.

Deficit.

Unemployment.

War in Iraq.

The War with Eastasia. (Coming Soon!)

Christian Right.

Patriot Act.

Halliburton

When in a crisis- go on vacation.

And anyone who saw the first debate will have to admit that almost 4 years in office have turned Bush from aa affable smarmy good-old boy into a gibbering idiot who has cracked under pressure. I want to see that farkers drug-screen results.

The only rights we will have left will BE the right to own a gun.

And- as far as being an ineffectual president- at least Kerry could use that power of Presidential Decree to undo SOME of the damage that Dubya did to our planet. And to our relations with the rest of it's inhabitants. Dubya bakced Japan's request to end the WHALING moritorium. (I'm not a tree-hugger- I just had that link handy...)

No one has EVER given me a reason to vote FOR Dubya that wasn't steeped in ignorance and fear, fear and ignorance. Why can't we just go back to the days when we had to worry about our politicians getting hummers in the Oval Office.

I couldn't read the article because the server is down. However, the title reminded me very much of a short story written by Isaac Asimov in which a supercomputer called Multivac performed massive statistical simulations and eventually chose a *SINGLE* person whose views would represent the US electorate. That person was asked a number of questions about his views, and it decided the election. A pretty cool story.

bill_01915

conservatives vote Libertarian

True. The republican party sold it's soul to the religious right 10 years ago.

Ten years ago? I think not. Reagan was about as far from conservative as you can get and he came into power in 1980.

jonathan_reilly: Are you arguing with me? I only ask because I mostly agree you.

The thing is, it's pointless to tell liberals who think bush is a gibbering idiot not to vote for him. Waste of breath. Waste of time. My post was about why conservatives shouldn't vote for bush.

jonathan_reilly, Well said.

It's amazing that even though the link is farked, and most of us haven't RTFA, the flaming continues...

Do we not even need articles anymore?

We are evolving.

Silly article. Everyone knows Ohio's vote will be decided by Diebold.

Cyberlost: Actually, this is the closest to a good political discussion I've seen on fark just about ever. As in, not just a flame war.

Any relation to Mike Wazowski?

Real Conservatives vote Libertarian? Agreed, and I am.

Real Liberals vote Nader.

I was wrong, it was Darrel Hammond as Clinton:

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/96/96fclinton.phtml
------------------------------------------------
A Message From the President of the United States

President Bill Clinton.....Darrell Hammond

President Bill Clinton: America.. I come before you tonight to thank you for re-electing me. I know half of you didn't vote. But of the half of you that did.. almost half voted for me. And I appreciate that overwhelming show of support. 49% of the less than 50% of you who voted said Yes to Bill Clinton! [ chuckles ] That kind of ground swell tells me I'm on the right track! Less than half of the less than half of the people who voted.. stood up and demanded.. four.. more.. years. That means 1 ot of every 4 of you are.. helping me build that bridge into the next century. And I than every fourth one of you for your unanimous support!

But, actually, when you think about it.. it's not really every 1 out of 4 Americans. because there's, you know, another 30% of you out there who aren't old enough to vote! [ laughs ] But, still.. I am thri-illed by the hu-u-uge support I was given by the half of the half of the remaining 70% of you! Because that is still a whopping 17% of you who enthusiastically supported Bill Clinton! And that is.. [ getting emotional ] ..just really beautiful.. [ chuckles ]

And sure, to be honest, Arkansas shouldn't really count, because that's my home state, and you have to subtract me and Hillary.. I mean, because, obviously, we voted for me.. And, of course, you should take out anyone who depends on my administration for a job. But, still.. that makes 12% of the population who actively wanted me to be re-elected! Truly, that is a mandate from the people!

Then again.. you really can't count women, because who are they gonna vote for? Bob Dole? [ laughs ] Yeah! That's just silly! Anyway, that cuts the number in half, making it 6%. And then after taking into account people who are incarcerated, the number drops to 4% - an overwhelming 4% of you standing proud and saying "Bill Clinton, we want you back!"

Then.. subtracting voter error, voter fraud, mechanical error, people who are abroad, people who are hospitalized or unconcious while the polls were open, and our brave men and women in space.. that makes the total number of people who honestly and actively wanted me to be President of the United States.. onw guy - Steve Bilson.

[ show image of the loserly Steve Bilson ]

Steve, I-I appreciate your support.. and I'm gonna send you this hite House ashtray as a token of my gratitude! [ laughs as he holds up the ashtray ] I mean, it doesn't say "White House" on it, but trust me.. it's from the White House! So, once again, America - I mean, Steve - thank you. And God bless you all!

[ dissolve to Presidential Seal ]

Announcer: This has been a message from the President of the United States.

Lies, all lies. The election will be decided by a coin toss.

That may actually be pretty close. The 50/50 nature of the race can really only be explained by the candidates having so little true distinction that people are just picking randomly. Enough coin flip type random events will give you a 50/50.

Asimov and Varley are like the salt and pepper of science fiction.

jonathan_reilly, whalers need to make a living too! Just because whales are pretty much completely gone is no reason not to allow the Japanes and Icelandic people to eat the last few left. Just think of how GOOD they will taste, knowing they are the last few left! Extictalicious!