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(Google)   After being unemployed for 15 months Farker finally gets a New Job. Recomend Ways of making a GOOD impression on his first day   ( divider line
    More: Advice  
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7813 clicks; posted to Main » on 27 Sep 2004 at 7:33 PM (13 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

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2004-09-27 08:46:48 PM  
Kiss a lot of ass.

/former dope that actually tried to be helpful and do the work
//now knows better
2004-09-27 08:48:08 PM  
Pull your dick out.
2004-09-27 08:49:33 PM  
Pull your dick out.

.........of the coffee before you get caught.
2004-09-27 08:50:10 PM  
The night before your first day, eat a turd while maintaning a smile on your face. It'll be good practice.
2004-09-27 08:53:52 PM  
Would you like fries with that?.
Just practice getting that down tonight and come tomorrow you'll be star at BK the boss is will love ya.
2004-09-27 08:55:24 PM  
First thing is to learn how to spell "Recommend."
2004-09-27 08:56:30 PM  
Office workers love this joke:

"Why do women have boobs?"
"So you have saomething to look at when you talk to them!"

Repeat punchline as necessary.

/not obscure
2004-09-27 08:58:52 PM  
Wrap a cucumber in tin foil. Insert in pants.

Works well if you're a man in a mostly female office.

Works even better if you're a man in an all male office.

If you're the only woman in the office, just wear your strap-on under tailored slacks.
2004-09-27 09:03:13 PM  
I like to let out little farts and then giggle uncontrollably.
2004-09-27 09:03:18 PM  
If you need to kill a kitten, lock the stall.
2004-09-27 09:08:59 PM  
Three words:

Fake British Accent.

For some reason, my previous employer (Female) REALLY liked mine.

If i had horse teeth, i could pull off a decent Hugh Grant...
2004-09-27 09:09:21 PM  
Every time you take the elevator, stand with your back to the door and stare at the wall intently and silently.
2004-09-27 09:11:41 PM  
And remember if anything goes wrong always blame the foreign guy.

Ah Tibor, he's gotten me out of so many jams

/obvious Simpsons reference
2004-09-27 09:17:10 PM  
Listen to Devo's Jocko Homo ("Are we not men? We are devo!) on headphones. Sing along.
2004-09-27 09:24:04 PM  
Way to go! I had been out 16 months myself, not to one-up you. :)

Show up on time, first off. If you actually have a desk, bring in a couple of things to make it look like you really want to stay there (even if you don't -- I know with the market what it is, you take the job you get, but your employer knows that, too!).

And no White Castle or Taco Bell the night before. ;)

But I'm with 44 -- Spell Check EVERYTHING your first few weeks at least! :)
2004-09-27 09:24:44 PM  
My first day of work at my first job, which was as a computer programmer, I brought in a box of doughnuts from Dunkin Doughnuts, and I placed them on my desk, which was next to the hall, with a sign that said "Take a doughnut if you need one, leave one if you want."
2004-09-27 09:28:27 PM  

assuming this is some sort of managerial position--you're supervising someone--DON'T start calling meetings about frikkin everything. we know what we're doing, and you'll catch on. you don't want everyone to watch you try to figure out how things work; do that quietly in the background, and everyone will think you're way smarter than you are. really. (24 year old in advertising, and man do new dudes love to call meetings to fill up their days.)

also, don't get too friendly with your reports. they might think you're cooelr for it, but they will slack off on account of that and use what you don't know to cover for it. really. wouldn't you rather be the brilliant, aloof manager than the guy we dread having to shoot the s==t with?

voting enabled because this is the first potentially useful thing i've ever posted.
2004-09-27 09:32:41 PM  
Come to work dressed like this (NSFW LINK) Your sure to impress.....
2004-09-27 09:33:31 PM  

You mean, "wakka, wakka"
2004-09-27 09:36:17 PM  
I want to know how you got a job? I'm still looking. :/
2004-09-27 09:36:33 PM  
/ This is a test
//Boobies ever
///Been a 'lurker'

Damm You schma2000

I had forgotten about that picture
2004-09-27 09:36:38 PM  
Make sure to always ask if they want to "Go Biggie for just 39 cents more."

Also change the fry oil at least once every 2-3 hours.
2004-09-27 09:39:15 PM  
Sorry! The filter got me.
2004-09-27 09:40:11 PM  
I'm curious, and I'm honestly not trying to flame, as to why it would take 15 months to find a job.

Can someone help me out here?
2004-09-27 09:45:48 PM  
Take your boss to lunch, eat like a horse, and at the end of the meal let out a good foghorn belch.


sneak into your boss's office and change the settings on his/her spellcheck to automatically replace your company's name with "Imafag" every time it comes up.
2004-09-27 09:47:26 PM  
Randomly throughout the day, walk up to people and say "I want bofe deez."

When they say what? Say "I want bofe deez nuts in your mouth."
2004-09-27 09:49:12 PM  
Make your boss watch that interview Bill O'reiley did with George W. Bush on Inside Edition. That should tie up their sick days afterwards, what with all the vomiting and all.
2004-09-27 09:51:51 PM  
Ways to Annoy People in the Office

Hi-lite your shoes. Tell people that you havent lost your shoes since you did this.
Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonalds Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.
Arrive at a meeting late, say youre sorry, but you didnt have time for lunch, and youre going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat entire raw potatoes.
Attach a sign that says "FAX" to the paper shredder. Sit and watch to see how many people fall for it.
Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didnt turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers.
Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans.
Change the message on the company voice mail system. Get Creative.
Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.
Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
Determine how many cups of coffee is too many.
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Email your boss the message: I know what you did last vacation.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
Erect a shrine to your favorite sports team, holding candlelight vigils at 10:00 a.m. and 2:00 p.m. daily.
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.
Grow mold in your coffee cup.
Hang mistletoe over your desk.
Hide a rubber cockroach in inventive places.
Include a piece of your childrens artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you dont have children, draw stick figures yourself.)
Insist that your e-mail address be: z­e­n­a­_goddess_of_f­i­re[nospam-﹫-backwards]em­any­nap­moc*c­om (or th­or_god­_o­f_­thu­nder[nospam-﹫-backwards]e­ma­nyn­apmo­c*c­om)
Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk into your daytimer.
Make a roof over your cubical out of old soda cans.
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. Thats a good point Sparky. No Im sorry Im going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi.
Name all your pens and insist that meetings cant begin until theyre all present. Come to work in your pajamas.
No matter what anyone asks you, reply Okay.
Page your co-workers to call their extensions so they call themselves.
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people youre waiting for your document.
Put a picture of your mother on your business card.
Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves.
Put shaving cream on your bosss telephone earpiece. Dial the number. When he/she answers, say Sqwish.
Put those hole reinforcing circles on the center of you eyeglasses. Now go to that executive meeting.
Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it IN.
Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm.
Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, Oh youve got to be faster than that.
Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your companys products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Send emails one word (or a few) at a time. end each one wth something like, "more to come tuned to your inbox for further developments..."
Sing Its a Small World After All really loud in your cubical.
Subscribe your coworkers to those free trade journals. Give them wacky middle names. Example: Bobby Pud McNeel.
Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.
Talk to your mouse as if it is a C.B. radio.
Wait until a co-worker goes on vacation, then relocate everything they have in their office, and move someone else in their place. When they get back act like nothing has changed since they left.
When an a person tells you that they'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?"
When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, I think my phone is ringing and leave. Go get a coffee.
When IT support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once.
Whenever anyone comes in your cubicle insist they knock or dont speak with them. When they knock, ignore them.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive.
2004-09-27 09:59:10 PM  
Here are some notes that I keep around. Please don't criticize or comment to me upon them because they are very rough, I don't necessarily agree with all of it, but at least it's something to consider. Many of these are ripped from various places or articles on the Internet.


Who do you work for?

In almost every type of employment, your job is to make sure your supervisor is satisfied with your work. Their job is to oversee you and make sure you're doing a good job for the company.

Now, if you drop that into the guise of any client-oriented job - be it law, medicine, IT, or even a lowly customer service job - satisfying customers is not your primary and sole responsibility. You have to balance each client's interests against those of the company, other clients, and the priorities of your boss.

If a client is expecting too much, your mission is not to do everything they say - that's a great way to throw your priorities out of order. You're letting them detract from your other responsibilities. If you don't feel right telling them that they're not your only client, then apologize, tell them that you have other duties as well, and refer them to your boss. Let him deal with it. That's why he makes more than you do.

Keep your boss up-to-date on what you're doing, and let them guide your priorities. If anything or anyone is straining those priorities, let them deal with it.


A simple rule for dealing with companies that don't treat you right: Never consult for free.

If you are unhappy being on-call and not being paid for it (and you should be), then here is what you should do: Utter not a single word of complaint, and start interviewing with other companies for your next job.

During your exit interview they will surely want to know why you quit. You might be tempted to use this opportunity to vent about all they have done wrong and why they are so unfair -- do not. If they want your advise about what they should change, they should pay you for it. Just smile and say you like your new opportunities at your new position better, shake hands, and walk away. Otherwise, you are breaking the One Rule for dealing with bad companies: Never consult for free.


When you stop worrying about your job security you are lazy.


How to screw up an interview...

Focus on negative things.
Be fearful, be afraid, be nervous.
Feel that you don't have any value.


Because I have worked in the computer gaming industry, and I have worked 120 hour work weeks, and yes I know what that means.

What are reasonable hours to work?
What is a 40 hour work week?
8 hour day, 5 days per week
8:00 AM - 5:00 PM work hours w/ 1 hour lunch
A 40 hour work week is normal.
What is a 60 hour work week?
12 hour day, 5 days per week
8:00 AM - 9:00 PM work hours w/ 1 hour lunch
More hours than a regular 8 hour 5 day week, plus Saturday and Sunday for free (56 hours)
What is a 80 hour work week?
16 hour day, 5 days per week
11.5 hour day, 7 days per week
8:00 AM - 12:00 AM work hours w/ no lunch
Assuming 1 hour to wake and drive to work, and then 1 hour to drive home, shower, and sleep, leaves 6 hours of sleep
Twice the hours? Is this twice the pay?
What about the cost of not being able to do normal things during the work week?


Derived from a recent interview with Intel's soon-to-retire CEO

Have passion and get meaningful work done. Withother either, it won't work out.

Project postmortems of failures will usually indicate one or more of three things;
Initial product specifications were not correct.
The product development team was not staffed correctly.
The project was not managed properly.


10 Tips for Getting Along with People at Work

1. Keep a tight rein on your tongue
2. Be careful what you promise to others
3. Be kind and encouraging to others
4. Take an interest in other people
5. Be cheerful
6. Keep an open mind
7. Be mindful of only your own vices and virtues
8. Be careful of others feelings
9. Pay no attention to what others say about you
10. Dont worry about credit which is due you

1. Keep a tight rein on your tongue

How you say something counts for far more than what you say. How many times have you been chastised on the job by your supervisor, and you walked away angry because of the tone of voice used? When confronted with a difficult situation, always say less than you think. Curbing your tongue in a stressful situation will be more likely to create fewer stressful situations because how you handle yourself in a crisis will give others confidence in you and in their ability to bring problems and issues to your attention.

2. Be careful what you promise to others

If you intend to make promises, you had better be prepared to keep them, no matter what the cost. The easiest way to lose the respect of others is by guaranteeing things that you are either unable or unwilling to deliver. When you tell someone that you intend to do something, it is your responsibility to see to it that you follow through. Others will note an irresponsible attitude and be wary of approaching you on any level in the future if you continually break your promises.

3. Be kind and encouraging to others

Never let an opportunity to show kindness or encouragement to others to pass you by. Praise good work, regardless of who did it. Sometimes you can turn even the most hardened of your fellow workers into real softies once they realize that you are not afraid to compliment them or give encouraging words, despite how they may perceive you ordinarily. At the same time, when giving criticism, do it helpfully and gently, never spitefully. Show concern for anothers feelings and well being. You will benefit greatly from even the smallest kindness shown.

4. Take an interest in other people

Learn about others interests, their homes and families, and even their problems. Gaining the confidence of fellow workers is made much easier when you demonstrate that you have a caring attitude. When others are joyful, rejoice with them; when troubled or in mourning, be sympathetic. Let everyone with whom you have contact, no matter how humble, realize that you regard them as people of importance.

5. Be cheerful

We all carry a load of some sort, and although the old saying "misery loves company" is still widely held up as truth, keep in mind that making others miserable is truly a disservice. Dont dwell on your minor aches and pains and small disappointments. Maintaining a cheerful attitude at all times will not only make others more comfortable in your presence, but you will feel better as well.

6. Keep an open mind

Dont let yourself get into arguments. Discuss things with people rather than argue. Being disagreeable is likely to put others off; they will much prefer to deal with those who have a calm and reasoned approach. When confronted with a situation that you either disapprove of, or dislike, keep this in mind: it is the mark of a superior mind that can disagree without being disagreeable.

7. Be mindful of only your own vices and virtues

Refuse to discuss others vices or problems. Dont allow gossip to rule your life. Tearing down another to prop yourself up is an extraordinary waste of time; furthermore, it can be very destructive. Especially in the work place, morale is vitally important. When we lift our voices against others, we open ourselves to the thought, "I wonder what they say about me behind my back!"

8. Be careful of others feelings

Humor at anothers expense is rarely worth the trouble. Not only that, the hurt and pain felt by that person will often come when least expected. Take into account another persons feelings before you poke fun. Things said in jest are often the sharpest barbs to be felt.

9. Pay no attention to what others say about you

Remember, the person making snide or rude comments about you may not be well informed. Live in such a way that what is said about you cannot be taken to heart. Let your own actions determine how others see you, and that they will not believe the negative things said.

10. Dont worry about credit which is due you

Do your best. Its the best you can do. Concerning yourself about how much credit you receive will only burden you with more stress. Let others see your work ethic, and you will be able to take pride and pleasure in a job well done.

2004-09-27 10:00:39 PM  
Have a laugh.

[image from too old to be available]
2004-09-27 10:00:40 PM  
If the parking spots are not assigned. Find out where your
boss parks and park in his place. IE before he gets there.

I had a co-worker the boss was always accusing him of coming in late. I told him park in his place and he knows you at least beat him in.
2004-09-27 10:05:40 PM  
Well, I can tell you an item not to do:

Have a panic attack and have the employer have to call an ambulance for you.

Show up for work... sit down at your desk and tell your boss they should bring you a cup of coffee.

Sit in a meeting and correct your bosses english (or what ever language you/they speak)
2004-09-27 10:06:09 PM  
Ask if they file charges.
2004-09-27 10:15:50 PM  
Demonstrate a fondness for kittens on his computer terminal

[image from too old to be available]
2004-09-27 10:18:24 PM  
Nothing gets the laughs like the classic elephant impression. You pull your two front pockets inside out, then unzip your pants and....

(fired for "inappropriate behaviour")
2004-09-27 10:29:51 PM  
I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
2004-09-27 10:36:41 PM  
Refer to yourself loudly using a nickname that you'd like other people to use.

There was a guy like that at my last office... like to refer to himself as "Miracle M..." (name removed to protect the clueless). Everyone else knew him as the biggest jagoff in the office.
2004-09-27 10:45:12 PM  
Take off all your clothes; dump a pot of hot coffee over your head; jump through a plate glass window; and when the cops show up with the taser, be sure to let them know you're a homo.

/Sorry, wrong thread.
2004-09-27 10:46:51 PM  
Repeatedly ask all the pretty women in the office, "If I was as smart as Claudia Schiffer, would I have Schiffer brains?" It helps if you hold your penis.
2004-09-27 10:49:09 PM  
Ways to Annoy People in the Office

During the meeting eat entire raw potatoes.

No, twenty minutes before the meeting eat entire raw potatoes.

/that wing is CLOSED!
2004-09-27 11:11:36 PM  
[image from too old to be available]
2004-09-27 11:15:32 PM  
Steal all the office supplies you can, gather blackmail material on all the management, gather all the company secrets you can. Get revenge on the a-holes you discover you now work with by stealing their keys while they are in meetings and park their car in the CEO's spot - put keys back. Do just enough to keep up the facade that your actually working cause they will outsource your a** or replace you with an underpaid part time temp within 6 months so they can improve their bottom line and make shareholders happy. You would be replaced even if you did a stellar job and worked 60+ hours a week cause all they care about is cutting costs.
2004-09-27 11:34:07 PM  
Show the boss your creative side. Bring your tuba to work, and use your breaks and lunch hour to give impromptu sing-alongs. Bonus points if you practice in one of the men's room stalls.
2004-09-27 11:40:30 PM  
Don't do your job as well as you should after about the second week so they won't think about firing you as quickly. Then when the bosses actually start to notice who you are because you work less and complain, promise to do your job better and get into some major butt kissing positions. Once they start switching your position and changing your job around (which usually involves a promotion), you can see yourself ride up to middle manager which is a good paying and doesn't require a heap of real work and depending on how well you kiss or how well you get noticed, you might go up even higher.
2004-09-27 11:52:45 PM  
Wow great posts, i'm so drunk and this is funny shiat

"slleeping with your .. son?"
2004-09-28 12:16:57 AM  
TV is right on, MF! Just remember: Whitey will PAY!

For what it's worth, I kiss ass all day and thank my lucky stars I'm push at 6 digits and I'm not out of work with the rest of my I.T. ganglea. It also helps that I LIKE my job and the adventure it brings.

That reminds me. Say this a lot:"There are no problems...Only challenges and Opportunities!". That always gets 'em. When they say, "Bob, we think we have a problem". You say, "Sounds to me like an Opportunity! An Opportunity for Customer Service Excellence!". That'll kill 'em!
2004-09-28 12:25:29 AM  
If you are management, find the hottest chick on the job and fire her immediately. Then you can date her, and take her to the Halloween party with no fears of getting fired for taking the hottest chick on the job to the Halloween party!
2004-09-28 01:46:18 AM  
2004-09-28 12:16:57 AM assmosis

That reminds me. Say this a lot:"There are no problems...Only challenges and Opportunities!". That always gets 'em. When they say, "Bob, we think we have a problem". You say, "Sounds to me like an Opportunity! An Opportunity for Customer Service Excellence!". That'll kill 'em!

Ugh, I had a boss like that once. Didn't help that I was going through a personally bitter time (and the company in question also didn't really see an Opportunity! An Opportunity to Advance Worker Satisfaction Via Livable Wages!)
2004-09-28 01:57:02 AM  
There are only two rules the first day of work...

1. Drink straight from the bottle.
2004-09-28 03:10:25 AM  
Don't kiss ass. Do your job, do it better than you told them that you can do it in the interview. Don't confuse "than" and "then" in interdepartmental memos. Show up early. Ask for directions to the supply closet. Wear sunscreen.
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