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(Google)   After being unemployed for 15 months Farker finally gets a New Job. Recomend Ways of making a GOOD impression on his first day   ( divider line
    More: Advice  
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7813 clicks; posted to Main » on 27 Sep 2004 at 7:33 PM (12 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

221 Comments     (+0 »)
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2004-09-27 08:07:06 PM  
Use complete sentances. (e.g. "I'd like a salad for lunch" instead of "I'd like a salad", in response to the question "What do you want for lunch?")

In my experience of Americans (which, I might add, is hampered by my living over 5000 kilometres from most of them), the proper answer to "What do you want for lunch?" is"

"What do I want for lunch? You know what I want for lunch? I want a salad for lunch."

(That internal pseudo dialogue you do always freaks me out...)

As for first day advice: Remember as many co-worker names as you can, and don't leave on the dot of quitting time for at least the first two weeks. Be punctual. Don't be afraid to ask about something you're not sure about, but do your best to learn fast. Get used to the systems they have in place and go with their flow for a couple of months before making any criticisms or suggested improvements. Contribute to any collections/sponsorships that are going around.

Good luck in the job.
2004-09-27 08:07:42 PM  
The Five Point Plan for making a good impression on your boss:

1)You never let on how much you like your boss. "Oh yeah, hi Mr....Lumburg?"

2)You always call the shots. "Hire won't regret it."

3)At a power lunch find out what your boss wants and then order for the both of you, it's a classy move. "The lady will have the Linguini with clam sauce and a coke with no ice."

4)Wherever you're working, that's the place to be, "Isn't this great?!!!"

5)When it comes to making out with your boss, and this is crucial, whenever possible put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.
2004-09-27 08:08:09 PM  
Be sure to zip your fly before exiting the men's room.
2004-09-27 08:10:10 PM  
Bring a towel.

</Douglas Adams>
2004-09-27 08:10:13 PM  
Be sure to zip the boss' fly before leaving his office.
2004-09-27 08:10:20 PM  
Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the boss makes by waving it and saying, "Quite right, old bean!"

Wear X-Ray Specs.

Introduce yourself to your coworkers as the "master of the pan flute".

Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.

Squint thoughtfully while giving the boss strange looks. In the middle of a meeting, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.

Sing your questions, and Speak only in rhymes

Stare continually at your boss's crotch. Occassionally lick your lips.

Address your boss as "your excellency".

Watch your boss and coworkers through binoculars.

Correct your boss and coworkers at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.

Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after someone answers.

At any point during the day ask at least 3 people if they have ever seen a Fairy in real life. Make no comment on their response, simply say "huh" nad proceed with your previous activity.

/blatantly ripped off and adjusted from
2004-09-27 08:10:35 PM  
Who wants a GMail account?

(Note: by the time you may copy and paste these links, they may not work. FIRST COME, FIRST SERVE)
2004-09-27 08:11:31 PM  
Refer to all female coworkers as, "Mommy".
2004-09-27 08:12:17 PM  
I'm probably way late with this, but.....

The trash goes IN the truck. NOT all over my front lawn.
2004-09-27 08:12:48 PM  
Three Words: I'M SO WASTED
2004-09-27 08:13:00 PM  
we've got a new sheriff in town, and I know that some people won't be back after the holiday season...

not me though, he's not my department head. however, his new policies will make my job easier.

//"you're fired!"
2004-09-27 08:13:10 PM  
Don't tell your boss his mom gives lousy head (Even if she does).
2004-09-27 08:14:38 PM  
pee in the kitchen sink
2004-09-27 08:15:11 PM  
3 words: Cleveland Steamer
2004-09-27 08:15:24 PM  
I love you, schill! So much so that I'll let it slide that you owe me a keyboard cleaning. Tea with honey leaves such a lovely stickiness...
2004-09-27 08:17:28 PM  
Doze off at your desk with one hand down your pants. When woken, immediately sniff said fingers and offer to shake other persons hand with same.
2004-09-27 08:18:06 PM  
You want to establish a dominant place in the office's social order as quickly as possible. Find your largest co-worker, and rip out his throat with your teeth. (Note: This works when joining any group of predatory animals, not just a workplace.)
2004-09-27 08:20:50 PM  
You want to establish a dominant place in the office's social order as quickly as possible. Find your largest co-worker, and rip out his throat with your teeth. (Note: This works when joining any group of predatory animals, not just a workplace.)

Nah, your first day the best bet is to take down the second most dominant member. That earns you the support of the first (who will be glad to be rid of his biggest competitor), and he will protect you while you ingratiate yourself with the rest of the crew.

If you take down the dominant member before establishing your membership you risk being taken down by coalition of the weaker pack members to put someone they know and like (at least more than you) in power.
2004-09-27 08:21:58 PM  
Roger Arseways

Yeah, I forgot to add do the obligatory Donald Trump hand motion as you tell them they're fired.
2004-09-27 08:22:29 PM  
Can believe it hasn't been said,
"the trick is: kick someone's ass the first day, or become somebody's biatch. Then everything will be alright."
2004-09-27 08:24:32 PM  
Identify all the office gossips, and then don't rely on any of them to do a useful job.
2004-09-27 08:25:15 PM  
Give everyone a Hot Cocoa Sampler Kit.
2004-09-27 08:25:43 PM  
I should be fired for messing up my HTML!

But anyways, I had to sit through an hour-and-a-half meeting that had about 2 minutes of relevant information to the job that I do twice a week... it's fun to watch other people squirm for their jobs when they have a new boss.

//sorry about the bold, seriously
2004-09-27 08:26:47 PM  
wear pants.
2004-09-27 08:27:00 PM  
Identify all the office gossips, and then don't rely on any of them to do a useful job.

The corollary to that law is that you should do your utter best not to piss off the secretaries. They hold a lot more power to make your life easy or miserable than the office power diagram indicates.
2004-09-27 08:28:16 PM  
Seems like half the advice given here has to do with one's pants.

//thinking Farkers don't get out much
2004-09-27 08:28:43 PM  
schma2000 -- aaaargh! The goggles, they do nothing!
2004-09-27 08:30:06 PM  
Bring some whores.
2004-09-27 08:30:06 PM  
3 words:

Fart silently
2004-09-27 08:30:22 PM  
Most of these don't sound like helpful suggestions.

Well duh. This is Fark. Would you rather see 200 x "be polite, dress appropriately, greet people by name and show up early"?

Seriously, how smart is someone who genuinely needs to be given that advice?!?
2004-09-27 08:31:18 PM  
Show people you're loose and not bound by traditional social mores. Get off a few old school ethnic or racial slurs within the first hour. FYI, anti-semitism usually goes over well in banking, since Jewish people traditionally don't work in the industry. Be creative and the sky is the limit.

Good luck!
2004-09-27 08:32:19 PM  
If they need that advice starting a new job is the least of their problems.
2004-09-27 08:32:56 PM  
come sportin the freshest bling my nizzle
2004-09-27 08:33:45 PM  
Fill the cubicle with pictures of Eddie Rabbit, but with Gene Simmons' make up loving drawn over every picture of Mr. Rabbit. Whisper the words to Every Which Way But Loose and weep quietly into a bloody towel.
2004-09-27 08:35:08 PM  
Urinate on your hands and let it dry. Then make food for your cow-orkers. Be sure to shake everyone's hand, too. Do this for the first 5 weeks. You'll be known as the pee-smell guy.
2004-09-27 08:35:15 PM  
always ask if your customers would like cream and sugar
2004-09-27 08:36:00 PM  
instead of eddie rabbit, maybe he could use fark PS entries. The NSFW ones would be perfect
2004-09-27 08:36:54 PM  
Ask that your supervisor accompany you to Human Resources. When introduced to the first person there, point at your supervisor and shout "MY HOVERCRAFT IS FULL OF EELS".

[image from too old to be available]

Repeat this as long as possible while more and more frantically gesturing in your supervisor's direction.
2004-09-27 08:37:53 PM  
Wait until Day 6 before you start tattling on your co-workers.
2004-09-27 08:38:50 PM  
pick your nose and wipe the boogers on the bathroom mirrors and door handles.
2004-09-27 08:39:08 PM  
The bloody towel is the clincher...that MUST stay.
2004-09-27 08:39:49 PM  
Get one of those charcoal fart-filters for your chair. After a month, buy a couple more and give them to people who sit near you with no explanation.
2004-09-27 08:39:50 PM  
Don't scratch your nads with the spatula and then go right back to flipping burgers with it, without rinsing it off first.
2004-09-27 08:40:23 PM  

"I'd like a salad" is a complete sentence. (Subject, verb, direct object; nothing is missing.)
Submitter should share his secret for getting a job; this information might be useful for some other farkers.

/"What's that? Oh, yeah, stop spending all day on Fark. I should've known that."
2004-09-27 08:41:50 PM  
a lot of people think it is genuinely good advice to smile a lot the first day on the job. you will find, however, that the majority of office workers are disturbed by a new smiley guy walking around and saying thier name correctly. maybe you should try to be invisible the first three or four days and then pour on the pleasantries.

oh, and ice out your teeth dog
2004-09-27 08:42:38 PM  
Always have a couple of copies of Soldier of Fortune magazine in plain view on your desk.
2004-09-27 08:43:32 PM  
Try keeping your farking mouth shut and just do you job.
Works for me.
2004-09-27 08:44:38 PM  

Good advice. Nobody wants to work with Bob the Enzyte Guy.

/has opposite problem in the workplace
2004-09-27 08:45:09 PM  
Don't trust whitey.
2004-09-27 08:45:28 PM  
Install kazza and share the company's whole network.

Hey, it worked for that post office dude, right?
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