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(Google)   After being unemployed for 15 months Farker finally gets a New Job. Recomend Ways of making a GOOD impression on his first day   ( divider line
    More: Advice  
•       •       •

7813 clicks; posted to Main » on 27 Sep 2004 at 7:33 PM (13 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

221 Comments     (+0 »)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

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2004-09-27 07:44:56 PM  
During meetings stand up frequently in order to scratch your bum.
2004-09-27 07:45:18 PM  
Show up 5 minutes before everyone else in the morning, leave 5 minutes after they do in the afternoon. Bosses notice this.
2004-09-27 07:45:55 PM  
Come to work early,get to know your co-workers,stay late if they ask.

Naaahhh,that's too sensible. Take a cue from fellow FarkerBumpfrom a thread a while back:Pee on the carpet behind the podium in the conference room. Hehe.
2004-09-27 07:46:05 PM  
Show up ten minutes early with a smile on your face.
2004-09-27 07:46:15 PM  
oops, sorry PoppaStoppa, didn't see ya there
2004-09-27 07:46:58 PM  
Show up 5 minutes before everyone else in the morning, leave 5 minutes after they do in the afternoon.

Nonsense... you just need to show up 5 minutes before your boss and leave 5 minutes after him.
2004-09-27 07:48:12 PM  
I'll assume this is in an office.

You don't make an impression first day. You make it first month.

First day you just want to make sure you're well-groomed, and just above the level of average clothing in the office. Be friendly with everyone.

Write all instructions down, so you don't have to ask a question twice or three times. Keep the book legible, so that everyone can read it. Don't scribble random thoughts in there, keep another notebook for that.

Start analyzing the office processes. Two weeks in, ask why something is done that way if you can see an improvement. (This should be something that everyone does, not critiquing another's performance.) Do so tactfully.

In other words, use your common sense.
2004-09-27 07:48:28 PM  
Be sure to publicly tell your boss that you thank the upswing in the economy caused by Bush's economic policy for your new job. As these people were rich enough to hire you, there can be no doubt they are all rabidly pro-Bush.

Later, tell your co-workers that as a fellow wage-slave to the man, you look forward to the day when Kerry is in office, and you will all be liberated from your oppression and given free healthcare. As these people are obvioulsy not the rich, there can be no doubt that they are all rabidly anti-Bush.

In an unknown enviornment, you can never go wrong with broad generalizations.

/Oh. and don't forget to shave.
2004-09-27 07:48:32 PM  
introduce yourself first
solid handshake
please/thank you
show up early
when in doubt, ask.
always have a pen handy
2004-09-27 07:48:43 PM  
Shriek uncontrollably and hand out The Catcher In The Rye book markers...
2004-09-27 07:49:08 PM  
Most of these don't sound like helpful suggestions. I liked the one about being honest and working conscientiously.

You might want to bring the doughnuts the first day too.
2004-09-27 07:49:23 PM  
Assless chaps.
2004-09-27 07:51:00 PM  
What? Nobody's posted it yet?

GIMME A O! *this is taking too long*

OW! Hey, easy there!
2004-09-27 07:51:02 PM  
Don't hand out donuts. Tell your new co-workers that you enjoy being fired from a cannon - and directly through the center of an oversized hole on a giant donut sign.
2004-09-27 07:51:10 PM  
Always ask yourself, "Is this good for the company?"
2004-09-27 07:51:19 PM  
Play "Office Dares" - score big on your first day!


1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.

2) Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other non-player must be in the toilet at the time).

3) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

6) someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!".

7) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".

8) Walk sideways to the photocopier.

9) While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.


1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.

2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that? I don't want to have to repeat it".

3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle(there must be a 'non-player' within sight).

5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.


1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".

4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".

5) After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "The report's on your desk, Mon". Keep this up for one hour.

6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!".

8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again".

9) In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".

10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?".

11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".

12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it".

13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.

15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

16) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.

18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.

19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.
2004-09-27 07:51:41 PM  
Well, Kaymon beat me to it, but it's still the best advice: Come a little earlier, leave a little later. As Woody Allen said, "80 percent of life is just showing up" or words very close to that.

Good luck
2004-09-27 07:51:44 PM  
Oh,and from personal experience:don't show naked pics of your ex-GF in your wallet to make you "one of the boys",only to find out later that day that she's working in another department.

/trust me on this one.
2004-09-27 07:51:54 PM  
Kiss everyones ass untill your lips are chapped. Apply lip balm. Repeat.
2004-09-27 07:51:59 PM  
2004-09-27 07:52:07 PM  
wear pants. i showed up without my pants on once and BOOOOY did that not go over well.
2004-09-27 07:52:11 PM  
don't park in the bosses and/or visitor car spaces.

trust me on this one.
2004-09-27 07:52:41 PM  
When they ask how you feel after your first day, tell them your feeling much better since the voices stopped telling you to burn the world.

/don't wear tinfoil on the first day
2004-09-27 07:53:03 PM  
Wear pants this time.
2004-09-27 07:53:04 PM  
You might want to bring the doughnuts the first day too.

Never on the first day. On the third. Then you are doing your part, and not sucking up. And you know what people like before you order.
2004-09-27 07:53:36 PM  
I recommend the headline writer learns how to spell first...

"recomend" ???
2004-09-27 07:53:47 PM  
"Can't someone else do it?"
2004-09-27 07:54:40 PM  
Tell 'em your daddy's rich.
2004-09-27 07:55:00 PM  
(... that was maybe a little obnoxious, please don't ban me)

For real advice instead of a rude cliche, I offer:

Learn everyone's names. When you meet each coworker, look at them and repeat their name, and make sure so say it again a couple times that day.

Greet them with their name each day. Everybody likes to hear their own name.
2004-09-27 07:55:21 PM  
Scrub the toilets during the the women's room too.

Fun is sure to follow.
2004-09-27 07:55:30 PM  
Get in early and be the first to work... So after about 6 and a half hours you can go home and no one knows how long you REALLY were there.
2004-09-27 07:55:55 PM  
don't delete all the software archives within four hours of starting your job. trust me.
2004-09-27 07:57:25 PM  
May I suggest your first stop be the Human Resources office where you inform the manager of your ongoing struggle with Turrets syndrome? After that, you can pretty much do 'fark' whatever you 'shiat!!!' want 'ARRRRRRGGGGGH' to do or 'fark YOUR MOTHER' say.
2004-09-27 07:58:29 PM  
If the office has a cafeteria, pay with asspennies for the first three days. It will give you the upper hand because hey, you never touched anything that was in their ass.

If there is no cafeteria then you'll have to find out what places the people at your office eat at and repeat at those establishments.
2004-09-27 07:58:32 PM  
Make sure to enthusiastically shake your supervisor's hand and ask: "So, Jimmy, have you ever seen a grown man naked".

[image from too old to be available]

Their actual name and gender are, as usual, unimportant.
2004-09-27 07:58:41 PM  
[image from too old to be available]

DO NOT put this picture up on your desk.
2004-09-27 07:58:53 PM  
Ask the boss for a hummer and when he tries to sue you for sexual harassment say you were jokingly asking for the car version of the word and file a counter claim for defamation of character. Works every time.
2004-09-27 07:59:13 PM  
Fart in the copy room.
2004-09-27 07:59:50 PM  
2004-09-27 07:46:58 PM clevershark
Nonsense... you just need to show up 5 minutes before your boss and leave 5 minutes after him.

If your boss is like any other, you're probably there before, and leaving after him anyway.
2004-09-27 07:59:50 PM  
Oh yeah, I forgot ... congratulations.

Be the best and go far.
2004-09-27 08:00:14 PM  
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Spell Check. . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . .
2004-09-27 08:01:16 PM  
Most of these don't sound like helpful suggestions. I liked the one about being honest and working conscientiously.

This is Fark. Most days we have to content ourselves with simply joking about the misfortune of others. Only on rare occasions do we get the chance to cause the misfortune of others.
2004-09-27 08:01:34 PM  
Everytime someone says "Hey Frank" (or whatever your name is) say "That is absolutely correct! My name IS Frank".
2004-09-27 08:02:02 PM  
Take off your pants and sit on your desk, then dislocate your back and lick your balls like a cat. Be sure to stretch your legs way out and spread your toes.
2004-09-27 08:02:22 PM  
Floss at your desk. Everybody loves a flosser.
2004-09-27 08:03:36 PM  
Wear pink rabbit ears and inhale a lot of glue...
2004-09-27 08:03:42 PM  
Take off all of your clothes in the office, pour coffee over your head and then run headfirst into the window. Then walk inti your bosses office and state "I'm on race. Class, gender. I'm a homo".
2004-09-27 08:04:14 PM  
Ok, first thing you do is listen to the trainer.
Then, make sure your headset fits your head well.
Take a potty break before you get started.

Begin every call with a crisp clear 'Good day, sir/maddam'

Read your script, and don't take rejection personally.

Once you've been their a month, know that you are probably the most senior person in the whole office! Promotions abound!
2004-09-27 08:05:49 PM  
First time you see a coworker in the restroom; tear away your pants, do the splits, and pick a dollar up from the ground with your cheeks.

It's how my parents met.

2004-09-27 08:06:26 PM  
Okay, seriously, if you happen to have gotten a management position with employees under you, fire someone the first week. The rest will understand who's in charge after that.

/dons flameproof suit. Just sayin' it like it is.
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