anyone who gets fired is a true dumbass.

i'm a huge fan of the demotivational calendars. this one is my favorite:

http://www.despair.com/demotivators/gettowork.html

in case you're too lazy to cut and paste, it says "get to work, you're not being paid to believe in the power of your dreams."

/one day i'll get html skills...

this one worked for me once, "you're an assh01e"

"Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I've gotta plead ignorance on this one. Because if someone had told me when I started here that that sort of thing was frowned upon..."

I first read this as thirty eight slayings will get you fired. Was trying to figure out why thirty seven was ok.

downstairs!!!
1995 LOL - ROLMAF!!!

Oh jeez, this fark-forum-thread is more fun to read than that recycled list... Recycled forwards really irk me...HAHA.

None of those would get me fired. Some of them would get a chuckle out of the people I work with. In fact, I don't think any of them would get me more than a second glance.

Of course, lab research also tends to attract freaks.

The "this was funny the first time I saw it in 199X" comment was funny the first time I saw one, at 2:53 today...

Are you kidding? I've said half of these. It's all in the timing.

It's all right to talk to yourself. You can even answer. Just don't get caught saying "huh?".

Sounds like someone 'sgotta case of the MUHNDAZE!

Actually, I have found that, when responding to "[Office Super Number One Peachfish-Faced Jack-Hole] is now managing this project", a simple "THAT stuck-up little pindicked moron?" is more than adequate.

(So strong was the karma of that simple error that SLPDM's first act, before going back to his office, was to fire me. He didn't even know about my little freudian slip until the next day. I was told his was response was "He's more stuck up than me!" Ah, precious and few...)

One time I said, "Do I farking work for a retarded person? ARE YOU THAT STUPID?"

I didn't get fired, I got promoted.

But then again, I didn't say it around anyone else.

"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

(don't say doing your wife, don't say doing your wife, don't say doing your wife)

"Doing your ... son?"

The current number one saying to get fired for is:

"After extensive additional interviews, I no longer have the confidence in these documents that would allow us to continue vouching for them journalistically."

Seen on a biker's shirt at the drag races-
I don't have a foul mouth. I just like to say fark a lot.

didn't you get the memo about those TPS reports?
Office Space is like an Outlook virus for geeks

ha

one not on the list that i like to use a lot is:

Thanks! Your kindness and generosity is only exceeded by your good looks and your ability to serve me.

Hmm, how about we compile a list of things that might actually get you fired.

You're an incompetant, drunken asshole. Oh yeah, and the TPS report is going to be a day late.
My, that's a nice dress you're wearing. To the wrong person, from the wrong person
Here are the specs on our top-secret project. To the wrong person
Hello. If you've been hired by Enron, AT&T wireless, or any other company tanking

In other news, MC Hammer has a no.1 single with "Can't Touch This", WACO Happens and Everyone votes for Clinton.


for more washedup chains - www.forwardgarden.com

39. I'd like to get that to you this afternoon, but the voices are telling me that I have to go home and clean the guns.

Hooray for lists of existing jokes. If I made a list of all the jokes I can remember, could I make a website?

Scary part is, I've talked about setting the laser printers to "stun" with no prior knowledge of this list. Freaky.

it's not freaky i've wanted to do the same thing

snorkblaster

I vote yours gets moved up to #1.

laaaaaaaame *falls asleep at desk*

First and last were good, the rest sounded like it was David Spade's turn at the comedy club.

Aren't most of those T-shirts now?

Hey, where IS David Spade?

FARK JUMPS THE SHARK

sweet

Another one I always enjoy is:

Jesus loves you. The rest of us think your an asshole.

MelLuvsDMB I'm not sure. His career just seemed to vanish after "Hollywood Minute"...

Yes, I know, that mediocre sitcom you claim really exists...well, show me proof dammit!

I think we all understand that these are a few years old...

Drew from ToothpasteForDinner does this quite regularly.
I cannot count the times he must have been fired.

As an expert in getting fired (lost my job last Thursday), here's what not to do:

Write a memo saying that

1. Brightly colored clothing is no long acceptable office attire. Only certain types shades of brown, beige and orange will be accepted. If in doubt, please see your manager for a color wheel of proper color combinations. Failure to wear specified colors will be cause for disciplinary action.

2. Doctor's notes are no longer acceptable excuses for absence from work. Instead, your entire medical history must be reviewed by the new staff doctor who will determine whether you are too sick to work. Workmans Comp cases will be based on the following criteria: loss of 3 fingers on one hand (two fingers on one hand and one on the other does not count), loss of a major limb or more than 90% of your hair.

3. Xerox copies of death certificates are no longer acceptable for berevement absences. You must present the body instead.

4. Some employees with children have found it difficult to work specified 8-hour days. Because of this, management has contracted with a local adoption agency to help you place your children with a suitable new family. If you miss more than 3 days of work due to child-related issues, your children will be confiscated.

5. Bathroom breaks. Research indicates that an adult human needs no more than 2 bathroom breaks every 8 hours. Employees are taking too many bathroom breaks and wasting time. In light of this, each employee will be issued a coupon book containing 10 bathroom coupons. When you use the bathroom, give your manager a coupon. When you are out of coupons, you cannot use the bathroom again until the following week. Hidden cameras have been placed in the bathrooms to enforce this policy.

6. As many of you know, several high-ranking managers are building expensive houses which you may be asked to assist in the construction of. All employees are now required to take basic carpentry, plumbing and electrical classes to better assist management in the construction of said palacial estates.

Failure to demonstrate adequate gratitude will be cause for immediate dismissal.

Apparently, I didn't show adequate gratitude and was fired on the spot. The boss was pretty pissed. What a narcissistic, arrogant, humorless little prick he is.

/this is a true story.

Hey Sidi,

Actually, I last "saw" him in a Capitol One commercial. Sad...he left SNL for Capitol One.

I know he did movies before this rocket ship of a shiat dive, but can we really remember them all? I only remember the movies that starred him AND Chris Farley.

/again, sad
//not as sad as this stupid list though

People actually work for a living? I thought it was all window dressing.

126. Look, Mr. Larson, you better get out of my face before I get pissed off and you get slapped.

127: Do you feel lucky, punk?

My boss fired me once.



Once.

abby422

My favorite Demotivator is a picture of a quarterback getting blasted by the opposing team's tackle. The caption is "Some people dream of success, while other people live to crush those dreams."

'the beatings will continue until morale improves'

/words to live by

Ten Ways To Be "the Funny Guy" At Work

10. Keep telling the same person they have bad breath even if theydon't, and
then punch them in the face.

9. Announce in a meeting that you have AIDS. After everyone gives you the
sympathy remarks, tell everyone how you were just kidding and tell them that
they are all a bunch of farking queers.

8. Before a meeting, fill your mouth with custard. Then during the meeting,
put one finger in the air and make a noise like you are hocking up a loogie.
Then spit the custard into a glass and hand it to the person next to you and
say, "Beat that."

7. Inform a male co-worker that he "wouldn't make a good hooker."Then piss
in his coffee and tell him that he needs a good ass farking.

6. Always walk around with a big smile on your face and keep one hand down
your pants.

5. Answer every question asked to you with "fark if I know" then call the
person a racial slur that doesn't even correspond to their actual race.

4. Brag about the fact that you own a gun, and keep playing with your nuts.
Get them all sweaty, and then walk around shaking everyone's hands.

3. shiat on the floor in your office and when someone comes in and sees it,
tell them it is the fake plastic kind. When they try to pick it up, and
realize that their hand is covered in shiat, laugh and point at them and call
them a farking asshole.

2. Run down the hall with your dick out while pissing all over and Yell, "It
won't stop! Help me!" Then when it stops, look down and say "Oh."

1. Ask to borrow someone's pen. Bring it into the bathroom and stick it in
your ass. Take it back to the person you borrowed from and ask them to smell
it. When they tell you that it smells bad, tell them, "It should. I had it
in my ass."

www.despair.com

Better.

I could use any of those and still not get fired. It's real fun when your boss ends up below you on the food chain through his own stupidity. My favorite:

Him: "I know you're gonna hate me for doing this..."
Me: "Don't worry. I already hate you."

He doesn't come around and start trouble with me anymore for some reason.

/Six years worth of payback coming right up...

My boss would have probably fired me if he heard me with this one to my foreman...

Me: How do you start a small company?
Foreman: I don't know, how?
Me: Let our boss manage a large one.

Sadly, that little quip said 5 years ago may soon become the truth. The place I work for has a 95% chance of going under.

This list was teh hotness when cc:mail was king of the erf.

Winning the lottery would be a great start. Then I would work just long enuff TO get fired.

I love Despair's posters. The guy who came up with the idea is a frickin genius. My favorite is the Nepotism poster.

Nepotism: We promote family values here; almost as much as we promote family members

Classic!