Do you have adblock enabled?
If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(Some Guy)   Give advice on a subject you know nothing about. Voting enabled   ( divider line
    More: Advice  
•       •       •

6724 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Sep 2004 at 12:14 PM (12 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

478 Comments     (+0 »)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

Oldest | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | » | Newest | Show all

2004-09-08 10:48:23 PM  
If a tree falls on a mime in a forest, it DOES make a sound.
2004-09-08 10:52:44 PM  
When the CPU of a computer is overclocked (made to run faster than normal) it becomes very hot. This is beacause a hot computer is a fast computer.

To obtain a faster, more satisfying overclock remove the performance-reducing heatsink and fan and replace it with the heating element from a toaster oven.

I imagine you could very easily get 1000 frames per second in Doom 3 or even more!
2004-09-08 10:59:50 PM  
When your girlfriend asks you if she looks fat in a dress, just reply, "Well you have been eating a lot of cheesecake recently."
2004-09-08 11:01:07 PM  
when using the time machine you bought on ebay, DON'T FORGET THE CRYSTALS!

2004-09-08 11:17:34 PM  

1. get some peanut butter
2. get some wine
3. get a rope
4. get a hooker
5. get a jar of bumble bees
6. get a marker
7. get some duct tape
8. get a can of warm pepsi the older the better
9. get a welders mask
10. get an old cell phone that you dont care about
11. get a lighter or two
12. get a can of refried beans (the restaraunt kind not the black ones)
13. get a video camera and lots of space to record on
14. get some old credit or atm cards that are no longet active
14. get a hampster
15. get a pliers
16. get an ashray
17. get some dumbles 40Lbs or heavier
18. get a phone book
19. get an old computer (you wont need the screen)
20. get some catnip

second:_______________________________________________________________​________ ____________________________________________________________(still pending_______________________________________________________________​________ __________________________________________________________

Third: make a HUGE profit, MUCH more than your initial investment.

Forth: Spend the money on things that raise your physical status (gym membership, tanning membership, new car, clothes, watches rinky rings, gold teeth,) and anything that will attract women to you very easily. Anything shiney will attract a woman. ANYTHING SHINEY. it dosent matter what it is, go ahead try it cut open a soda can and turn it inside out and put it on your wrist and in a matter of moments you will have to kick a woman in the face for not leaving you alone. Anyway next get as many as these women pregnant as you can over the course of years and years and years and raise your kids to ALL have your last name tattoed on their back and to have as many children as they can and follow the whole tattoo tradition. Maybe its a symbol or a word it dosent matter. What the tattoo is is like what the shiney thing i was talking about earlier is. It just really dosent matter. Then you'll have started your own race and you can die knowing that youre a god. You did it man. you really did it. There will be MILLions of you an. MILLIONS.
2004-09-08 11:23:15 PM  
Don't worry about snipers, there's no way they can hit you from all the way over th.........
2004-09-08 11:41:18 PM  
pregnancy isnt that big a deal. they just complain for nothing. All women have to do to not feel the pain is to give birth lying on their stomachs. its been proven
2004-09-08 11:52:18 PM  
Yellow snow is more nutricious than white snow. It tastes better too..............
2004-09-09 12:37:54 AM  
"Time flys like an arrow.Fruit flies like a banana"
2004-09-09 12:48:45 AM  
Relly baby, you cant get pregnant if:(pick one)
1. We do it right before or during your period.
2. You're a virgin
3. If I pull it out
2004-09-09 12:56:33 AM  
If you see a Scotsman playing a match of tennis with a large blancmange, promptly consume the blancmange.
2004-09-09 12:58:48 AM  
Don't let that FBI guy tell you you can't take pictures. First amendment, dude. Go back in there and just ignore him.

I don't care if you guys are Secret Service, you can't be in here.

Can I do maintainence on the Dense Wave Division Multiplexer? Um, sure. What do you need?

She expects sex on the third date, otherwise she wouldn't have agreed to go out. When she says no, she's just trying to act all innocent. Just start taking her clothes off.
2004-09-09 02:06:26 AM  
i dont read any thing in the bible that dosent say
"thou shal not hurt really bad"
2004-09-09 02:13:31 AM  
magnets makes the hard drive go faster
2004-09-09 03:26:27 AM  
Douche with Coke after sex is guaranteed to kill the sperm and keep you from getting pregnant
2004-09-09 03:27:34 AM  
Always carry a rubber in your wallet; you never know when your gonna get lucky
2004-09-09 03:34:27 AM  
Since the constitution guarantees the right to bear arms, be sure to carry your pistol to the bank in your wasteband; people will just think your a cop or something.
2004-09-09 04:17:34 AM  
Remember, anyone from the middle east IS a terroist. They will most probably disagree with you, but they are just looking for a reason to kill you. If you're an American then WATCH OUT! Even the Koran says all Americans must die.
2004-09-09 06:07:50 AM  
When peeling onions, the best way to stop your eyes watering is to place a raw potato peel on your top lip.

A Rib (free-standing oil) heaters' heat may be increased by pulling each end to expand it, a bit like those old silver expanding things you'd put under hot pots on a table.
2004-09-09 07:47:45 AM  
At least 45% of the US knows the true meaning of the word "wanker".

At least 20% believe Dennis Haysbert is President.
2004-09-09 07:50:33 AM  
If you're Nigerian and need to re-distribute funds before the government catches up with you, many westerners will be more than willing to help you.
2004-09-09 08:02:20 AM  
Mothers in labour! Gunpowder works better than an epidural, and if your baby survives he'll be a natural rugby player.

Madison Square Garden ticket offices double as Bureaux de change.

A millionaire's trombone does not double as a gold toilet.

It is perfectly safe to say the words fark, c-nt, wh-re and Cl-nt-n before 9pm on US TV.

90% of wrestling fans have IQs of 130 or above.

/was going to do an Islam piece but this is a topic worth keeping
2004-09-09 10:01:55 AM  
The clitoris is located near the ....

/don't know if already posted.
//too lazy to read the 75,000 posts
2004-09-09 10:25:17 AM  
this was the funniest thread evar
2004-09-09 11:00:38 AM  
When giving a pill to a horse, put the pill under its tongue, put a tube up the horse's butt, and suck really hard. If somebody else uses the tube later, be sure to switch ends to avoid spreading germs.
2004-09-09 11:59:03 AM  
Brain Surgery 101 ( I perform it on myself first to show you all how it's done)

1. Grab a Mallet (You need to Crack the Skull like a Walnut to Proceed)
2. Swing Mallet at Patients Head Like soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...............​........ .....................
2004-09-09 01:09:17 PM  
...therefore God exists.
2004-09-09 11:16:40 PM  
Before pursuing a careear in broadcasting, make sure that Francisco Franco is still dead.

Displayed 28 of 478 comments

Oldest | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | » | Newest | Show all

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

This thread is archived, and closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »
On Twitter

Top Commented
Javascript is required to view headlines in widget.

In Other Media
  1. Links are submitted by members of the Fark community.

  2. When community members submit a link, they also write a custom headline for the story.

  3. Other Farkers comment on the links. This is the number of comments. Click here to read them.

  4. Click here to submit a link.