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(Some Guy)   Give advice on a subject you know nothing about. Voting enabled   ( divider line
    More: Advice  
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6724 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Sep 2004 at 12:14 PM (13 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

478 Comments     (+0 »)
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2004-09-08 12:31:34 PM  
You can learn Kung-Fu by watching Bruce Lee films. Try your new skills on large mean with bald heads, they appreciate the workout.
2004-09-08 12:31:37 PM  
2004-09-08 12:31:42 PM  
I remember doing lines with GWB in the Alabama National Guard. Totally stand-up guy, he could fly a jet better than I could when wired to the gills - you should vote for him.
2004-09-08 12:32:20 PM  
When referring to your initial post, don't ever say "Boobies", you'll just look sad.
2004-09-08 12:32:21 PM  
When on a first date, let the chick know up front that you are agressive in bed. That way she knows it's not a date rape.
2004-09-08 12:32:39 PM  
Always do it in the butt. Always.
2004-09-08 12:32:40 PM  
First, we're gonna get a really big hook...Then we'll attach it to a helicopter. Then..Uhhh..Is this thing on?
2004-09-08 12:32:41 PM  
Pooping your pants on a first date is a good way to show your partner that you still have a childlike sense of wonder.
2004-09-08 12:32:51 PM  
Used condoms make ideal fish-flavored gum for cats.
2004-09-08 12:33:11 PM  
Lesbians hate Jesus.
2004-09-08 12:33:15 PM  
If you're doing business with a religious son of a biatch...


His word aint worth shiat

Not with the good lord telling him how ta fark you on the deal!
2004-09-08 12:33:26 PM  
Go that way really fast. If something gets in your way, TURN!!
2004-09-08 12:33:29 PM  
Here's how to link a cool picture on Fark:

2004-09-08 12:33:41 PM  
Motor oil is a great cure for your dog's mange.

Unfortunately I do know something about this, having washed motor oil off of many a queasy dog at the shelter I used to work at.
2004-09-08 12:33:49 PM  

You were right about:
"All space probes should re-enter over heavily populated areas.", but you didn't include the reason -

There are more people to see where it landed, since finding those space probes is harder than finding a golf ball in the rough!
2004-09-08 12:33:52 PM  
Teeth off the dick, hands off the balls...
2004-09-08 12:33:58 PM  
when masturbating, be sure to twist in a counterclockwise motion, using water based lotion to protect against chafing.

nope. nothing.
2004-09-08 12:34:03 PM  
Irony means what you think it means.
2004-09-08 12:34:16 PM  
Sharks must move continuously or they will drown. Use this to your advantage. If you are in the water and a shark approachs, stay completely still. When it gets in range, grab it and hold it tightly. Do not let go and you will cause it to drown.
2004-09-08 12:34:33 PM  
If you are HIV positive, and never get tested so that you aren't aware of it, you can't pass it to any of your sex partners.
2004-09-08 12:35:33 PM  
I know John Kerry is lying about his first Purple Heart because I treated him for that injury.
2004-09-08 12:35:46 PM  
we're 0-1-1
no wins
1 loss , Vietnam
1 tie , Korea
2004-09-08 12:36:14 PM  
When going to war for oil, make sure to ask the country in question to present their nonexistant WMDs first. This fools the pinko commie liberals into thinking your war is legitimate.
2004-09-08 12:36:26 PM  
If a woman you met asks you to come up to her place for coffee decline and say that coffee makes you constipated.
2004-09-08 12:36:39 PM  
Don't take any wooden quaaludes.
2004-09-08 12:37:02 PM  
Tanzanian border patrols can be bribed. But only if you include bags of Skittles brand candy with the cash.
2004-09-08 12:37:19 PM  
spoiled mayonaise makes excellant birth control
2004-09-08 12:37:22 PM  
The best way to get an article posted on Fark's main page is to mail it in via snail mail with a lot of scratch 'n' sniff stickers on it. Drew will post your submission himself, give you the credit, and keep the stickers! It's a sure thing!

(this post smells like rootbeer!)
2004-09-08 12:37:26 PM  
Never ever ever put salt in your eye.
Never ever ever put salt in your eye.
Put salt in your eye.
2004-09-08 12:37:31 PM  
Abortions tickle.
2004-09-08 12:37:55 PM  
My Mom always said, "If she doesn't swallow, don't marry her."

I should have listened to Mom.
2004-09-08 12:38:23 PM  
... and if the little guy says, "do you want karate?" -- he's asking for a boot to the head from you and your buddies.
2004-09-08 12:38:35 PM  
Alright, this is how to get rid of pesky migraines:

1)Take drill

[image from too old to be available]

2) Attach 5" drill bit and proceed to enter the skull from a downward angle on either the right or left side of your head. [image from too old to be available]

3) [image from too old to be available]

No more headache?
2004-09-08 12:38:35 PM  
If you vote for Kerry, the terrorists will attack us again.
2004-09-08 12:38:48 PM  
When giving anal for the first time, just pretend you're pooping to prevent any bleeding.
2004-09-08 12:38:56 PM  
You can build a car, including the engine, that runs on water with empty Coke cans if you just use a little elbow grease
2004-09-08 12:39:16 PM  
You should always keep a towel handy in case you spill acid on yourself.
2004-09-08 12:39:34 PM  
The media is correct. It is filled with quality information, and accurate reporting. Even movies are true. Every single frame of a movie is reviewed for truth, quality and integrity.
2004-09-08 12:39:36 PM  
Always re-assure a woman in labor that the drugs during labor is a bad idea. Giving birth normally is the best way.

/out of ideas.
2004-09-08 12:39:39 PM  
I find that a nice White Zinfandel makes a very good feminine cleanser.
2004-09-08 12:40:26 PM  
if you vote for Kerry, the terrorists will attack us again
2004-09-08 12:40:36 PM  
Mixing cement with your enema fluid will lead to hours of great fun and excitement.
2004-09-08 12:40:38 PM  
Cut the blue wire.
2004-09-08 12:40:47 PM  
If it's clear and yella', you've got juice there, fella! If it's tangy and brown, you're in cider town.

Now, there's two exceptions and it gets kinda tricky here ...
2004-09-08 12:41:01 PM  
If your wife is crying in bed, it means she wants a quick finger in the anus.
2004-09-08 12:42:18 PM  
The painful burning sensation will just go away by itself.
2004-09-08 12:42:19 PM  
Yes? ... No, you're not interupting at all. ... McDonalds? Yeah, follow this street for 2 stoplights and then take a left. You're gonna go a couple blocks and see a fireworks stand. Take a right there. Follow that street for about 15 blocks until you see the Sacred Heart Hospital and it's right next door to the south...You're welcome...Ok now that I got rid of him I wonder how the hell I actually get to McDonalds. I'm kinda hungry...Excuse me, sir?
2004-09-08 12:42:28 PM  
If it smells like fish, eat all you wish.
If it smells like cologne, leave it alone.

*hides a trout in her panties*
2004-09-08 12:42:36 PM  
Dude, she is TOTALLY checking you out. Seriously, you should go talk to her. It's cool man, I got your back.
2004-09-08 12:43:50 PM  
When encountering a strange angry dog, bear or wolf,
kick it. This will show dominance and you can be on your way.
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