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(Dave Matthews)   Dave Matthews offers his DNA to see if his poo matches the poo flung at those tourists   (davematthewsband.com ) divider line
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20809 clicks; posted to Main » on 30 Aug 2004 at 12:52 PM (12 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



115 Comments     (+0 »)
 


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2004-08-30 09:43:55 AM  
I don't even wanna know how he offered his DNA.

Don't drink the water
 
2004-08-30 10:05:00 AM  
Just don't test his sample for drugs. The test equipment would probably implode.
 
2004-08-30 10:11:45 AM  
Under the bridge and screaming
 
2004-08-30 11:42:01 AM  
Why do they need that. At the time, they said witnesses got the license number of hte bus. Besides, the chemicals in the holding tank would probably make that useless.
 
2004-08-30 11:51:53 AM  
Hey boys and girls, lookie what I found.
A first hand account of the incident. (pops)
 
2004-08-30 12:56:20 PM  
WTF - there is no article that I can see, just someone looking to get a submission even if it's blatantly false.
 
2004-08-30 12:56:51 PM  
please god don't clone him, please god don't clone him, please god don't clone him!
 
2004-08-30 12:56:52 PM  
dave matthews is prone to throw his own feces?
 
2004-08-30 12:57:31 PM  
At least the tourists didn't have to listen to his music (or whatever that noise is called)
 
2004-08-30 12:57:34 PM  
They can DNA test poop now?
 
2004-08-30 12:57:36 PM  
Doctor: Ok Dave, I need you to take a dump on my chest.
Dave: With Gusto.
 
2004-08-30 12:58:27 PM  
They can DNA test poop now?

Sure, but they can't quite dust for vomit yet.
 
2004-08-30 12:58:31 PM  
got nothin
 
2004-08-30 12:59:51 PM  
Can they take DNA from a CD? I mean we all know his music is crap, but to extract DNA from a CD must be tough!
 
2004-08-30 01:00:39 PM  
well thats the least he could do. My question is what if these people had poo thrown at them a couple days prior too, or hours after the time they claim to of had poo thrown at them. How does that affect the DNA testing. I mean They could be fecal freaks....


[image from images.amazon.com too old to be available]
/Things to do in Denver When your Dead
 
2004-08-30 01:01:41 PM  
If it's not his sh*t you must aquit
 
2004-08-30 01:03:03 PM  
We've already cloned Dave Matthews DNA: John Mayer and Five For Fighting.

/jellydick nancyboys, the lot of 'em
 
2004-08-30 01:05:49 PM  
I think Dave Matthews submitted this to increase the hits on his website. Nothing to see here, move along.
 
2004-08-30 01:05:58 PM  
DMB = the Dave Matthews Bowelmovements ?
 
2004-08-30 01:06:00 PM  
jedikinkoid

The "article" is in the News section.. the DNA stuff is in the third paragraph..

"We have fully and voluntarily cooperated with the Chicago authorities since the moment we heard about the incident. We provided access to our drivers and our tour manager immediately, the band was using five different busses in Chicago at that time and we provided the license plate numbers of all of them, we provided photographs of any of the busses they requested and we offered to supply DNA evidence to determine if one of our busses was the bus involved. In short, we have worked with the Chicago authorities in every way we can to determine whether one of our busses was the bus involved in the incident."
 
2004-08-30 01:06:05 PM  
Can they also scan his DNA for some kind of "Penchant for Making shiatty, Trite Music" gene?
 
2004-08-30 01:06:09 PM  
What would you poo?
 
2004-08-30 01:06:10 PM  
Here's the actual story from the dave matthews website...
Letter to Chicago
 
2004-08-30 01:06:56 PM  
I have toured professionally, although it was number of years ago.
At that time, and I believe this still holds true, you can't poop on a tour bus.
 
2004-08-30 01:08:36 PM  
From TommyymmoT's link, Man, you'd think a Rock and Roll Bus would be cooler than that

Yeah right. Grow up already.
 
2004-08-30 01:09:06 PM  
why do they call it "poo"? who calls it "poo"?
 
2004-08-30 01:09:14 PM  
hillbillyjazz

huh? pee but no poop? estoy confundido!

enlighten us, if you will...
 
2004-08-30 01:10:40 PM  
/sniffs poo

/listens to Dave Matthews music

...yup, that's a match!
 
2004-08-30 01:11:08 PM  
As a Chicagoan, I'm glad that he made a distinction between "the people of Chicago" and their fans.


/Yes, I know what a Venn diagram is.
 
2004-08-30 01:11:13 PM  
Damn! Deev beat me to it.
 
2004-08-30 01:12:17 PM  
If we could send DMB a letter from the Fark community, what would it say?

Dear Mr. Matthews,
In light to your recent shiat dumping episode, we farkers would like to begin by saying...
 
2004-08-30 01:14:10 PM  
"I did it,
guilty as charged
I did it
I told you,
I told you I did"
 
2004-08-30 01:14:29 PM  
hillbillyjazz is right. You are NEVER supposed to evacuate solid waste on a tour bus. NEVER. Tour busses have facilities that stink even if you only urinate in them. And the tanks are tiny comparitively. If they are number 2ing in the tour bus they deserve whatever happens to them.
 
2004-08-30 01:14:33 PM  
The clues are in the music. He's guilty!

Under the Table and Dreaming song list...

1. Best of What's in the Toilet Going Round and Round
2. What Would You Say (Dont Pinch a Loafer)
3. Satellite (oooh I have a turd the size of a sattlelite up my rectum)
4. Rhyme & Reason (I have the Runs cuz I ate Indian)
5. Typical Situation (I need to empty my sh*t tank, find me a boat of tourists)
6. Dancing Brown Nancies
7. Ants Marching Out My Ass
8. Lover Lay Down in My Sh*T
9. Scat Thing
10. Craphouse
11. Pay for What You Get (aka Taco Bell squirts)
 
2004-08-30 01:16:40 PM  
So that means someone DID save his poo. Why wasn't this on EBAY?!?
 
2004-08-30 01:16:44 PM  
reminds me of a great book I once read...

"Stains on the Wall" by Who Flung Poo
 
2004-08-30 01:17:28 PM  
No, you cannot under any circumstances poop on the bus, or you're walking. It's a maintenance and smell issue. It's much harder to flush out a tank that contains solids.

Emptying it is another issue. You're supposed to find a KOA, or other legal dump site, but many drivers just drive with the valve open. The next time you're on the highway and see a tour bus dripping, don't assume it's air conditioner condensation.
 
2004-08-30 01:17:49 PM  
I, for one, think Dave's getting railroaded, and there's only one organization powerful enough to pull it off, the GOP. Somebody get Cheney's shiat .... it's a match!
 
2004-08-30 01:18:39 PM  
hillbillyjazz

I have toured professionally, although it was number of years ago.
At that time, and I believe this still holds true, you can't poop on a tour bus.


Not without a ladder, no.
[image from download.wbr.com too old to be available]

Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week, try the shnitzel.
 
2004-08-30 01:18:43 PM  
No-talent ass clown. They don't take payola like radio stations? He's a pro at that.
 
2004-08-30 01:19:21 PM  
Lebowski78

WOW. I didn't think anyone would even try that with this topic. That is dedication.
 
2004-08-30 01:20:56 PM  
orrinbloquy

Awesome. Just a truly spectacular post. You should be proud.
 
2004-08-30 01:21:19 PM  
makthrax

pay for totalfark and get the link to a guy selling the poo

seriously
 
2004-08-30 01:21:55 PM  
[image from images.pdsys.org too old to be available]
 
2004-08-30 01:22:20 PM  
Dave, don't be a wanker. Take a page from the Bushido Samarai code and do the honorable thing.
 
2004-08-30 01:22:55 PM  
Hillbilly Jazz

I tour regularly and it's still true. One doesn't poop on one's tour bus. There was no poop on this bus either, just that awful stale urine soup that accumulates after weeks of beer guzzling.
 
2004-08-30 01:26:37 PM  
No-talent ass clown

I thought this said "no TOILET ass clown"
 
2004-08-30 01:27:18 PM  
[image from tspweb02.tsp.utexas.edu too old to be available]

"I got the poo on me!"
 
2004-08-30 01:27:53 PM  
Okay, let me get this straight. Dave Matthews makes megabucks and can afford a tour bus, but not the Nobel Prize-winning theoretical physicist apparently needed to figure out how to ventilate a bus toilet.

NOT. ROCKET. SCIENCE. If you can afford coke for your groupies, you can ask for a better bus toilet design.

Christ.
 
2004-08-30 01:28:12 PM  
bark_atda_moon

Sure, but they can't quite dust for vomit yet.


Nice!
 
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