How long should I wait in this brand new relationship before I make my first attempt to climax on her face?

Also, should I put that fire out over there?

...this thread is lame, but I'm reading it anyway.

If I just gently roll her over...

I'd pay $100 on PPV to watch Lindsay Lohan and the Olsen Twins together in a lesbian romp.

Sure would like another blowjob.

I'm seriously jonesing for the brunette in the red shirt on the Dusty ads.

why the hell do people pay $5 a month for total fark?

If you fart and something rolls down your leg it means you've "fumbled".

When is Half Life 2 coming out?

My wife has no idea how often I think about sex

Wait... maybe there really ARE five lights.

KKKKKHHHHHHAAAAAAAANNNNNNNN!!!!!

If you dump a shovel full of weasles into a barrel of snapping turtles, they are bound to have a fight.

how I would bang every dusty chick at least five times.

Americans calling Michael Moore fat? I think my head just exploded.

If I have sex with my clone is it incest or masturbation?

I lied every time I said I wouldn't hit it.

Is it just me, or did Francis Fane do a really subpar job as legal council to the Council of Trade and Plantations back in the 1720s?

I am SO bad at my job!

I think LeaLoo should show us her boobs.

I wish my desk came equipped with a pillow.

Sure would like a beer right now.

I never really did see a turtle.

When should I put on my robe and wizard's hat.

James Earl Jones eats buttered scones.
He sings in monotones and has sex with traffic cones.
He talks on telephones, and he takes out lots of loans.
He has three hundred bones. When he gets aggro he zoooones.

It's always seemed like people say one thing one day and out the other. Where are my teeth going?

BREAKING NEWS

July 16, 2004 21:25 GMT
Associated Press (Maryland)


Tragedy struck Friday as Air Force One burst into flames over the Atlantic Ocean, killing all aboard. President George W. Bush, along with Vice President Dick Cheney, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, deputy secretary Paul Wolfowitz, National Security advisor Condoleeza Rice, Attorney General John Ashcroft, Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge and other guests are all believed to have died, painful and gruesome deaths.


CIA satellite imagery

The last communication with air traffic control offers a glimpse of the final moments of flight for Air Force One;

"LaGuardia control, this is alpha foxtrot, we are on...[pause] hey Bob, what's that smell? Smells like burning hair, check out the cabin...[pause]...JESUS farkING CHRIST! We're on farkING FIRE! Get the extinguis...[silence]."

Mechanical failure is believed to be a factor.

The NTSB, CIA and FBI are investigating.

GIRLS KISSING!

I don't mean to sound like a queer or nothing, but I like rainbows.

geezitskindahotinhereIneedtoturnuptheac dnltastesmoresugarythan7up damnilikethatsonginthesixflagscommercials iwonderwho'sgonnashowuptonight ineedtocleanmyfarkin'roombeforestuffstartsgrowing isitjustmeordoesanyoneelsecraveasammich? ineedtogobuysomemorecdrsorbetteryetadvdburner thisclunkerimrunninaintgettinmenowhere128mbrammyass ifeellikeplayingmorrowind wonderwhatimhavingfordinnertonight theresamysteriouscolourfulsmudgeonmymonitorthatsbeenthereforweeksnowandimtooda mnlazytowipeitoff iwonderifitsreallygoodorreallybadtotrustanasiancomputertechnician ivefoundthatcallingsomeoneafagismoreeffectivethancallingsomeonearetard iwonderwhichdeodorantishouldweartoday ineedajob ineedtocleanupmydamndesk iwonderifaquateenhungerforceisgonnabeontonight thinkofalltheproductivethingsicoulddoifiwerentonfarkdotcomrightnow youknowwhatihaventhadinalongtime bigleaguechew iwonderiftheresamedicationforwetdreamsifsowhythehell iwonderifishouldaddthiscommenttovoting butidontfeellikemovingmyhandovertothemouse igottatakeoutthetrash ishouldgogetmorealtoids iwonderwhatmykindergardenteachermeantwhenshetoldusthenumberofchuckedwoodawoodc huckcouldchuckis9 surprisinglymandmsminitubesmakereallygoodcoinholders iwisharcadegameswerestillmorepopularthanhomeconsoles boyihate99percentofthecommercialsoutthesedays iwonderhowmanytyposimakeperday ineedtogoputonsomepants whywontdrwilyjustgivethefarkup iwonderwhatthenextstrongbademailwillbeabout howoldisthefarksquirrelbynow? ithoughtthetrumanshowwasthebestmovieever boyiambored whyisthereducttapeonmywall? imgonnatakeavitamin ineedsomepeptobismol uhhiguessitstimetopressaddcomment butidontwannareachovertothedamnmouseandclickit itstoomuchefford dammiteithericlickitoridont uhdamnok

Kim Gibbler thinks you guys are whack.

Maybe I shouldn't have pooped on my boss's desk.

Why did Damon Wayans have to die so young?



We will miss you Damon!

Is a closely shaved scrotum refreshing?

If women make up more than half the Earth's population, and each woman has two boobies, then there are more boobies on the planet than people!

Sure would like to know what David Lynch thinks about when he goes grocery shopping.

John Kerry has a really HUGE head

The average poop is like what, maybe 4 ounces? And the average person poops once a day or so. If we consider all the people living in poorer countries who eat less and poop less, I suppose we could assume that the average person poops an average of 2.85 ounces per day.

At the moment there are approximately 6.381 billion people on the planet. If we multiply the number of people by the weight of the average poop, we come up with 18,185,238,846 ounces, or 1,136,577,430 pounds of poop.

Per day.

The people of planet Earth poop over 1 billion pounds of poop each and every day.

And you wonder where that smell comes from.

A one that is not cold is scarcely a one at all.

/first fark post EVAR

Helen Keller must be an urban legend

Life is short, We weren't meant to stare at computers in little cubicles all day, listening to our eight bosses drone on about mission statements!

Peter, Office Space

The next time that question is asked at 2am, answer "no."

Will it really make my penis 2 to 3 inches longer?

They haven't got a word to rhyme with orange yet, but now if we could just find a rhyme for door-hinge...

Everyone's thinking it. You just type it over here---------> remember to enable voting?

That's what Daddy likes!

Sometimes my turds float and sometimes they sink. I try to remember what I ate the day before to determine why. There doesn't seem to be a pattern.

I never read all the comments. I usually read the first 3, scroll through fast and look for pictures, then the last 3. I then post thinking that everyone will read it when most likely only 10 people will read it. I'd have better chances of getting a vote from an MSPaint Photoshop entry.

should i enable this for voting?

Fat Chicks.

duh-duh-duh, duh-ba, duh-ba, duh-duh-duh

Are the 50% of people voting for George Bush imaginary People? Why can't I find them? Do they know how to click the vote box?

where are the cool pictures at the end of the thread?



ah, thats better...

I want to push my co-worker into a broom closet and snog him senseless. If my ex hasn't moved out yet, is that considered bad form?

oh i get it. you're supposed to post whatever's on your mind.

Pop Locking is still cool

Crikey, I can't get that huge camel toe pic out of my head...

I'd like to ride Lealoo's bus.

I want to rip off my clothes, crap in the corner of my office while yelling, "I am such a good boy! Look at my fancy hat!" Put on my Zorro mask, throw on a cape, and run out of the building while throwing M&M's at the smokers outside. Running up to one and whispering in his/her ear, "I know where you hid my frog." Go across the street to the Home Depot and demand that they give me all the caulking and bug spray that I can carry in my arms and Radio Flyer wagon. Take it outside, set fire to it and say, "I told you I knew that Denmark owns Greenland!"

If I could just bend down a few more inches....

If I had been the conductor for the band on the Titanic, I would have totally picked a bunch of ironic songs for the band to play there at the end. I think I would have ducked out before the ship sunk, though. Maybe I'd tell the band I was just going to get a glass of water or something.

Hmm. Glass of water. That's not a bad idea.

/heading to the water cooler

If she smokes and drives a trans am, she'll do everything to anyone, anywhere.

gottagetlaidgottagetlaidgottagetlaidgottagetlaidgottagetlaidgottagetlaidgottag etlaidgottagetlaidgottagetlaidgottagetlaidgottagetlaidgottagetlaidgottagetlaid gottagetlaidgottagetlaidgottagetlaid

I went through an exhibitionist phase a few years ago, where I'd show anyone my boobs if I had a little rum in me. That was back when I was only a C cup.

If my little brother reads this he's going to be really disturbed.

I'm going to go jostle my girlfriends boobies.

My girl can't wrestle but you ought to see her box.

Do worms yawn ?

$2 bills! That's how I can get the titty dancers to notice me!

ten minutes of my life wasted

I should be working.

But I'm Farking.

And I don't care.

wft is the polyphonic spree?

flubby

I HATE that farking old dancing guy from the Six Flags commercials. Does anyone else think he looks like Junior Soprano?

Why are all the females I work with old and busted?

Why do all these homosexuals keep sucking my cock?

/The Onion

Martha ain't gonna serve a freakin' day in jail.

It wouldn't help me spiritually, but becoming a Scientologist would really help my movie career. Either that or letting TCruise ejaculate in my mouth.

/yes its supposed to be blank
//any questions?

If it's wrong to vote for yourself then I don't want to be right.

My headline was funnier.

I want to stick my tubesteak in your sister.

If throwing a penny into a wishing well gets me one wish, does a quarter get me 25? What about my 1942 Stan Musial rookie card?

Here I sit, all broken hearted. Tried to shiat, but only farted.

I would pay good money to see Kerry and Bush in a boxing match. Who ever wins I vote for.

I mean, if I'm going to be forced to pick between the lesser of two evils, I might as well pick the ones whos more hardcore.

I am Evil Homer! I am Evil Homer!

Lindsey Lohan wants me.

Mentally handicapped people need to be hidden away and forgotten.

Ther aren't nearly enough pictures of hot chicks snogging in this thread.

Iraq really was all about the oil.

My biological clock says 12:00 and blinks.

I hate stupid people

I wonder who my ex-girlfriend is sleeping with?

If men weren't so easily amused, penises would probably be alot more complex.

Oh my god, work is insanely farking boring. Why can't I just sneak out early and go get a beer? No one would even notice.

It took 4 months but I did it...

I have gotten my six pack abs back!

I was depressed and drinking every night when I decided to do something for myself besides become inebriated, so I took up fitness the next day cold turkey. Then first month was the hardest; the once-proud Army Paratrooper guy that I was was covered with 40 pounds of excess body weight and grossly out of shape. I could not even manage 10 pushups or run for a minute without getting out of breath. But that didn't stop me from working out 6 days a week, keeping my mind on the eventual goal I had which was getting fit again and generally looking good.

Four long months...

I sweated it out by:

taking up running again, cutting the pasta and bread, loading up on the veggies, stopped drinking, hitting the gym, which was pretty embarassing when I started, and taking supplements to aid my goal. I might have missed 3 days on my scheduled sessions because of circumstances but I kept plugging away. My co-workers thought that I was on meth I lost so much weight...

Today:

Now I can run for an hour straight without stopping, I do 1000 pushups per day(no shiat!!!), 500 crunches, can do 20 pullups in a row, and have lost the "dick-do" or "tool shed". At 38 years old I look like I'm in my late 20's/early 30's again and my wife thinks I look like a model; she can't keep her hands off of me. I've gained some self-respect in the mirror and plan to keep it going. I feel good after all this time...

I'm usually pretty humble and keep to myself out here in the real world but I can anonymously gloat here; I farking did it and kicked my ass into killer shape. I'll never let myself become pasty and flabby again!

And I did it all by myself...

I have no idea what the point of any of this is.

I wanna FCUK SELMA HAYEK!!!!

If you are eating year old cheese,
And your guts begin to sieze:
Diarrhea.
Diarrhea.

The best letter I ever received was sent by Jesus. He uses Comic Sans. It was a bit annoying.

Hmmmm....never piss'd that color before

What does my wife REALLY do at home all day? I'm thinkin porn.

Fark surveys and caption contests suck.

When I saw Lea Thompson's cleavage in Back to the Future all I could think was "Damn, baby, GO FOR IT MARTY!"

Who am I?

Why am I here?

I need more p0rn.

Why isn't Goolge self-aware yet?

If I can just make it through this day playing Freecell, I'll work on that project tomorrow.

Lisa Get outta there, Lisa! Lisa!

I am the most comfortable when I am lost in obscurity.

If it weren't for my horse, I never would have spent that year in college.

/A vote for me is a vote for Lewis Black!

Gotta hide the bodies...GOTTA HIDE THE --

Hey.

What's he looking at me like that for?

HE KNOWS!!

Things were better when I was a kid.

Bush/Cheney04

Oona toota, Solo?

It's Martini Time!

I'll tell you what, this thread isn't doing anything to quell my urge to skip the gym, celebrate the fact that its friggin Friday and go out and get absolutely shiat faced after work. Thanks a pantload Drew.

The glass is neither half-empty oir half-full. It's exactly as full as it needs to be, otherwise, it would be useless philosophically.

I didn't have time to shave this morning. I really wish I did because ever since I switched from an electric razor to wetshaving with a Mach3 Turbo, badger shaving brush, and British shaving creams, the morning shaving ritual is such a pleasure now. I always had a Homer-Simpson-5 o'clock-shadow-all-the-time beard but now I get really close, comfortable shaves. And the scents from the shaving creams (mints, florals, bay rums, etc.) smell really good and prepare me for the work day. I win.

The dice are loaded, we roll with our fingers crossed, the war is over, the good guys lost, the fight was fixed, the poor stay poor, the rich get rich, that's how it goes, the boat is leaking, the captain lied, there's this broken feeling like our father or our dog just died, we're talking to our pockets, we want a box of chocolates and a long stemmed rose

what the fark does WTF stand for?

What the hell was with the lack of boobies links for a while last summer?

Fark them if they won't give you head!

Sure do hope I get the most votes in a random nonsense thread.

why the hell do people pay $5 a month for total fark?

It covers the cost of shipping the "whore in a box" we get every month.

I wonder how many people really were thinking about taking it in the ass is like taking a poop in reverse.

/I'm not joking, I was reading "I did it for Science" yesterday from Nerve.com

Sure would like to smother myself in slightly melted chocolate chips.

How can I make sure I don't get caught? Hmmmmm..

27 minutes to go....

Y'know. If I could find a woman who liked comic books and video games as much as me? I could marry her. Period.

/Takers?

El Farko Everyone hates it when a really strong retarded kid hugs them and then doesn't let go.

One time some retard with down syndrome hit me with his shoe.

I stabbed him in the eye with a pencil and pushed him off the second tier. Then I carved a swastika in this guys ass with a hot knife.

What an awesome day.

I just want to win one of these damn surveys!

I could make $200 hourly doing this as a consultant if it weren't for the lack of personal connections, dreadlocks, and attraction to Asian girls that look like a pedophile fantasy my wierd Fark handle.

What the hell kind of nick is Smookyfufu?

Is Will Hung well hung?

If only I had had someone like me when I was your age, I would have told me not to take physical chemistry.

please remove yourself from the gene pool.

I hate your guts. And your little dog too.

Smookyfufu

I recommend some strong rope and a two-by-four. It's always worked well for me.

A vote for me is a vote for ignorance, intolerance and interbreeding.

People have been doing this job for 500 years before there was an internet.

there's NOW WAY anyone on earth has more porn saved on their computer than me.

Why can't I bring my bong to work?

I don't want to vote for Bush.

Read the whole damned thread up until this point. Going home now. I hope she walks the dog so I don't have to.

no one's gonna scroll down this far

He really doesn't think I notice him hitting ALT-TAB every time I walk in?

I bet no one reads down this far...

I submitted this with a funnier headline

I don't want to smell it, but how else can I tell if it needs to be washed?

How can I subtly tell my wife that she's practically crushing my skull when she O's from my cunning linguist?

I don't want to drive faster than you, I just want to be in front of you.

"LeaLoo may very well be the best looking Farkette...ever."

This now makes me jealous of Jr High kids and some punkass ex-dancer marrying Britney. Bizarrrroooooo!!!!

May I go to the bathroom?

Thank you.

Stop crying. Touch it.

I'm thinking this thread needs more random pictures

Screw you and the horse you rode in on.

No matter how drunk you are, no matter how horny you are,

DON'T DO KELLY!!

Seriously, there is a girl I know, named Kelly, who you really shouldn't do.

What drugs are responsible for:
ATHF
Sealab 2021
Harvey Birdman

I'll bet I could make some money off of all that old 'Joni Loves Chachi' fanfiction I wrote.

I know they're called fingers... but has anybody ever seen them fing ?

This is the song that never ends...

How does it all end?

Why are there so many
Songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side
Rainbow's are visions
They're only illusions
And rainbows have nothing to hide
So we've been told and some chose to
Believe it
But I know they're wrong wait and see

Best sitcom ever: Fawlty Towers, of course.

Number two: Simpsons edges out Family Guy

lealoo does have big boobs, so do i, yet i have testicle

/cry

Who keeps buyin' the Polysynphonic Spree's cd anyways?

the comfort of the knowledge of a rise above the sky above could never parallel the challenge of an acquisition in the here and now...

The difference between a cow and a bean is a bean can begin an adventure.

I sure wish there were more Brittny Spears threads here to pass the time...

How the hell am I going to fit this rubber over the vacuum cleaner?

You know what I haven't had in a long time? Big League Chew.

Belloq's staff is too long. They're digging in the wrong place.

Everytime I post my chance of getting a vote goes up!

Gotta get working on setting up that new identity.

They're on to me! Look at their smug faces. They know. But do they know that I know? Must create a diversion. Maybe a fire...

Id fark that intern.

Thirty three days and not a single pancake, what does it all mean?

You know, if I pull it back between my thighs from behind and make noises like Dumbo, maybe I can get
Smookyfoo to take a running dive at my crotch....

TOGA! TOGA!

I'm going to a toga party tomorrow, I'm gonna get lit up beyond all belief and then either bang some slut or pass out. I don't care which.

Americans don't appreciate irony.

And this. Is my BOOMSTICK!

Is it worth the effort to make 7 new Fark accounts to win this survey????

/Islamic Militant Bukkake Kitten

THE FLOWERS! ARE STILL! STANDING!

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

I am going to sell this house today.

I am going to sell this house today!

I AM GOING TO SELL THIS HOUSE TODAY!

Everyone's thinking it. You just type it over here

Just looking at the main page of that web site, I'm thinking "minimalist"

I do about 15 minutes of real work during the day. Oh, and I'm quitting in two weeks........SUKKAS!

I want to grab AnkMcfly's Swango!

/can you diggit? i knew that you could...

THE BLUES IS #1! I said GODDAMN!

I blink and the gaping asshole is still there, I think I typed in that address wrong...

Is there any, ANY possible way I'd have a chance with Ingrid from "Joe Shmoe 2." Seriously, I just need to know. It would be so good if I could know and get on with my life, one way or another.

jimb213
must. have. vodka.

and. remember. to. enable. voting.

Lincoln_log_in_me_sock_drawer really has a Lincoln log, but it ain't in his sock drawer, sho nuff.

PPPPPLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEAAAAAAASSSSSSSEEEEEEEE!

VOTE FOR ME!!!!!!

PPPPPPLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSEEEEEE!

Y'know.

People should get married on the second date. I'm serious here. I'm revolutionizing dating. Get married on the second date, and you have a week to annull it. Otherwise you're stuck with each other and can not legally date another person for a complete year. And they each have to fill out a list before marriage of all of their sexual kinks, just so no one's suprised. And lying means you lose sexual organs on the chopping block.

This just cuts through all the problems of dating. Y'know, the 'when is it right to hold hands/kiss/have sex/admit to my kinks'...

Well, I think it's genius.

/Only joking about the 'losing sexual organs' part.

I like Special K.
Hey what do they do with the regular K?
And for that matter, what ever happened to Kay Ballard?
You know if you said Mallard and you had a cold, it would sound like Ballard.

oh my god, the dusty chick ads are gone.

say it ain't so, drew, say it ain't so.

am I a renewable resource?

To infinty... And BEYOND!

Sure it's a missile fire control system, but I don't think that screw was really necessary. Like anyone will miss one screw.

what the hell is the arrow pointing to? Ohh...

Have I now officially spent more of my life hungover than not hungover?

Remember... if the Talon Elution Stock solution is not 5x, you're not gonna have a good time

Alas, once again you have mistaken me for someone who actually gives a damn.