Do you have adblock enabled?
If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(CNN)   Metallica reading their fan mail   ( divider line
    More: Caption, Contests  
•       •       •

30689 clicks; posted to Main » on 14 Jul 2004 at 12:19 AM (13 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

126 Comments     (+0 »)
View Voting Results: Votes

Oldest | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | » | Newest | Show all

Skipped 117 non-voting comments in this thread
Show all
or log in to change this
2004-07-14 12:45:41 AM  
"Dear occupant..."
2004-07-14 12:45:57 AM  
"Ill give you guys some credit, you are only a little bit worse then Creed."
2004-07-14 12:47:04 AM  
"'M37411|c4 is teh sUxx0r!!!1!!1!'? What the fark does that even mean? Thanks for pissing off all the geeks, Lars."
2004-07-14 12:47:41 AM  
Dear Metallica,

Thanks for 20+ years of kicking ass despite what the pseudo-hip say. Keep on rocking, minus Load and Re-load.

2004-07-14 12:48:03 AM  
"Dear Metallica,

You try to protect your lifes work from theft. This is bad.
You've made a shiatload of money by creating half-assed albums. This is bad.
Money is bad.
You are bad.
Spank me bad man.

Mr. Dumbass
2004-07-14 12:48:48 AM  
I am sofa king wee todd tod?
2004-07-14 12:48:57 AM  
Who are we going to have to kiss to make this guy shut up?
2004-07-14 12:50:51 AM  
"Hey guys, this thing says that Folgers is suing us for swapping out Lars' regular snare drum with this Folgers coffee can on the latest album."

/"Let's see if he notices..."
2004-07-14 12:51:04 AM  
Check this out, James, it's a caption contest. Some of these are pretty funny. See, right here is where Lars and I voted for ChewbaccaJones... No I can't say I have any idea how they got this picture of us at this very moment.
2004-07-14 12:52:52 AM  
Dear Metallica:

I get this pinchy feeling in my lower abdomen just before my period. Is this normal?


A. Nony Mus
2004-07-14 12:53:25 AM  
Guys, look! Boobies!
2004-07-14 12:53:55 AM  
"It's another brunch invite from Fred Durst. Remind me never to take nu metal bands on tour again. They just don't get it."
2004-07-14 12:55:56 AM  
awww, he drew the stink lines and everything
2004-07-14 12:56:47 AM  
Der mUt3||icA

Joo R DE sUxOr

yUo =+ thA g3y

bOObIes!!! pWeD!!!1! 1U!111

//everyone seems to know exactly what Cliff would want. That's because you were in a band with him for 8 years, right?
2004-07-14 12:58:58 AM  
Dear Metallica-

There is no Santa Claus.

2004-07-14 01:00:04 AM  
"Congratulations!! Your recent applications to NAMBLA have been accepted. All five of them! We're looking forward to working with you men to attract more of our younger fans - nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

Very, very sincerily,
Olden Stilhard

Now with attention whore voting!
2004-07-14 01:00:07 AM  
"dear mettallica

hey! sup! i totaly loev the sant angner cd! it rox doodz! im lyke yor bigest fan evar! i rock out all da tiem to hevy metal bandz lyke you and korn and tool it helps me threw my tuf life because my mom is lyke a total biathc n my dad is just a dik and dont get me because im all hardkore and shiat now that im 15 and skewl suckz to but you doodz and korn and otehr heavy azz hardkoer bandz keep me from killing myselfz. its lyke so kool that you dooz lyke undre stand me and shiat. im so madly in anger wit peepz lyke my principal and shiat. theyre all fagz and dont get me and so are my parentz. so i lyke need yor muzic to get threw teh day and shiat. lol omg dis iz so kool! im sending a lettre to mettallica! lolz

Yor so koolz!

luvz michael"
2004-07-14 01:00:57 AM  
Dear Metallica:
You guys are assflaps.

2004-07-14 01:08:55 AM  
here's your official certificate valid for one "jumped the shark" t-shirt.

you must act now!
2004-07-14 01:11:45 AM  
Dear Metallica,

Perhaps it wasn't the best idea to make fun of your orginal fan base.
Perhaps it wasn't a good idea to then sue them.
Furthermore, perhaps load, reload and St. Anger where really really bad ideas.
So one would have to assume, that perhaps none of you ever heard of retiring with dignity, you now before you start sucking so much ass that even you won't listen to your own music.

Cliff Burton, in hell, thanks guys.

P.S. When money becomes more important than you integrity you no longer get to call your self an your only bunch of farkin buisness me.

P.S.S. Why didn't I take the offer on the bus to switch beds with James? Doh!!!!
2004-07-14 01:15:28 AM  
Dear Friends:

Greetings: I am a retired attorney. A few years ago a man came to me with a letter. He asked me to verify the fact that this was legal to do. I told him I would review it and get back to him. When I first read the letter my client brought me, I thought it was some "off-the-wall" idea to make money. A week and a half later we met in my office to discuss the issue. I told him the letter he originally brought me was not 100% legal. My client then asked me to alter it to make it perfectly legal. I asked him to make one small change in the letter which made it 100% legal. (Please refer to title 18, section 1302 and 1342 of the US Postal and Lottery Laws)

I was still curious about the letter, so he explained to me how it works. I thought it seemed like a long shot, so I decided against participating. But before my client left, I asked him to keep me updated on his results. About two months later, he called me to tell me he had received over $800,000 in cash. I didn't believe him, so he asked me to try this idea and find out for myself. I thought about it for a couple of days and decided I really didn't have anything to lose, so I asked him for a copy of the letters. I followed the instructions exactly, mailed 200 copies, and sure enough, the money started coming in! It arrived slowly at first. I kept a precise record of the earnings, and in the end, it totaled $978,493! I could hardly believe it worked.

I met with my friend for lunch to find out exactly how it worked. He told me there are quite a few similar letters around, but this one is different because there are six names at the end of the letter, not five like some others. This fact alone results in your name being
in far more returns. The other fact was the help I gave him, making sure the whole thing was legal, since no one wants to take the risk of doing something illegal.

By now you are surely curious to know what small changes to make. If you sent a letter like this one out, in order to be completely legal, you must actually sell something in order to receive a dollar in return. So when you send a dollar to each of the names on the list, you must include these words, "PLEASE PUT ME ON YOUR MAILING LIST" and include your name and address. This is the key to the program. The item you will receive for the dollar you sent to the six people below is the letter.

At the time I first tried this idea, I was earning a good living as a lawyer. But everyone in the legal profession will tell you there is a lot of stress that comes with the job. I told myself if things worked out, I would retired from my practice and play golf. I decided to try the letter again, but this time I sent 500 copies. Three months later, I had totaled $2,341,178!

The system works if you will just try it. But you must follow the simple instructions exactly, and in less than three months, you will receive $800,000 GUARANTEED! Keep what you are doing to yourself for awhile. Many will tell you it wont work and will try to talk you out of your dreams. Let them know of your success after it works. LETTERS FROM PARTICIPANTS IN THIS PROGRAM:

My name is David Rhodes. In 1992 my car was repossessed and bill collectors were housing my. I was laid off and my unemployment ran out. In October of 1992, I received a letter telling me how to earn $800,000 anytime I wanted. Of course, I was skeptical. But because I was so desperate and virtually had nothing to lose, I gave it a try. In January 1993, my family and I went on a 10-day cruise. The next month I bought a brand new Mercedes with cash! I am currently building a home in Virginia and I will never have to
work again. This money program really works perfectly every time. I have never failed to receive less than $500,000. This is a legitimate, money-making opportunity. It does not require you to sell anything or to come in contact with people. And, best of all, you only leave the house to mail the letters. If you have always believed that someday you would get the lucky break, then simply follow the instructions and make dreams come true.

Larry McMahon, Norfolk, VA Six months ago, I received this letter and ignored
it. Five more came within a period of time and I ignored them also. I was tempted, but I was convinced that they were just a Hoax. After three weeks of deliberating, I decided to give it a try (not expecting much). Two weeks went by and nothing
happened. The fourth week was unbelievable! I cant say I received $800,000 but
I received $400,000. For the first time in years, I am debt free. I am doing this again, only this time starting with 500 posts. I strongly recommend that you follow the instructions exactly as outlined in this letter.

1. Immediately send $1.00 to each of the six people on the list at
the end of this letter. Wrap the dollar bill in a note saying Please add me to your mailing list" and include your name and address.
2. Copy this letter. You do not have to type it 200 times. Simply place your cursor at
the top of the page, hold it and drag it all the way down to the end of the letter. Then click on "edit" and select "copy". Now open up a notepad file on your computer and put the cursor at the top of the page in the notepad, click on 'edit' and then select 'paste' it
will copy the letter for you onto your computer.
3. Remove the name next to the #1 on the list and move the rest of the names up one position (#2 becomes #1, #3 becomes #2, etc...) Then place your name in the #6
position. Then save it, make sure it is saved as a txt. File.
4. When you have completed the instructions, take this letter and then go to (Google, Yahoo,...) and type in (Making Money Massage board, or post massage,...)and
start posting your copy to 200 message boards, or more this is only the minimum,
you can post as much as you like...The more copies you send the better the results. Keep a copy of this letter so you can use it a second time. Post it out again in six months, but Post it with the addresses you receive with each dollar. It will work better the second time. NOTE: This service is 100% legal - (Refer to title 18 section 1302 of the U.S. Postal & lottery laws) How does it work? When you send out 200 Posts, it is estimated
that at least 15 people will respond and send you a $1.00. ($15.00) Those 15 will Post 200 Posts each and 225 people send you $1.00 ($225.00) Those 225 people Post 200 Posts each and 3,375 people send you $1.00 ($3,375.00) Those 3,375 post 200 posts each and 759,375 people send you $1.00 ($759,375.00) At this point your name drops off the
list, but so far you have received $813,615.00. P.S. When your money begins to come in, give the first 10% to charity with spirit and share a good fortune!

1). Kenneth Maxwell 612 north Easter lane Columbia mo 65201

2). Renee Moss, 3355 Duke Road Powhatan, Virginia 231396, a.g. 1146 Galloway St.CA

3). Mohammad Noor Omar, Lot 1656 Block 17, Japan Smearing Bare faze 2, 93050
Caching, Sarawak, Malaysia.

4) William Santos, 2386 New Street Apt.1104, Burlington, Ontario L7R 1J7 Canada

5) M. Carmen M.-Carlos Teller 4624 La tea esq. Mucilage Montevideo, Uruguay

6)Maria d.R.Mazzucchi, 949 Islington Ave. Etobicoke,Ontario M8Z 4P4 Canada

This really really works, I tried it once and I'm doing it again, first to be honest I only posted 145 posts and I didn't receive a lot only 6,689.00$ in 3 months, at least this means that it really works ,so this time I'm posting 604 posts and I've got so far in 2 month 15,640.00$ this is really like a dream come true. So go on and try it trust me you've
got nothing to lose....

important tip - Cover money by paper fully by which it can not been seen in light , because postal employees do some cheat some times....ok
2004-07-14 01:18:04 AM  
Lars: "Hey look, fan mail!"
James: "That isn't a letter, you asshat, it's the liner notes from ...And Justice For All!
Lars: "Hmm...'Halls of justice painted green'...What the hell is this crap?"
James: "It's the lyrics to one of our old songs."
Lars: "You sure?"
James: "Yeah, remember? We used to be against corporate greed."
Lars: "Man, we were stupid then."
James: "Yeah. We were dumbasses. Huh huh huh."
Lars: "Heh heh heh, yeah. Hey, that's my flannel shirt, bunghole!"
James: "Uh, sorry. Can we share it?"
Lars: "I'm suing you, asswipe."
2004-07-14 01:22:18 AM  
"It's from our accountant...we're broke! It says here:
Dear James, Kirk, Lars, and not-Cliff,
We've had to refund everyone who bought your last album, and even those who downloaded have sued the band for sucking so badly. Not only are you broke, you owe the music industry upwards of 15 million dollars. You'll have to sell your prosthetic testicles."
2004-07-14 01:31:16 AM  
"Oh hell i've been holding it upside down"
2004-07-14 01:31:18 AM  
Dear metallica,

My name is sergey venvevstov I am from Russia orginally I came to America several years ago with my few but some of my most prized possesions. When I was growing up my brother was a KGB officer and worked in the United States. when he would return to the USSR he often could not fly directly and would have to hide things in his anus to hide them from the many countires he would have to fly though to return to the USSR. among these items he brought back your first three albums he was able to record from a contact of his in america. My brother has always been a big fan as have I.


Dear, Sergay
you stole our music? and your a commie? fark you now that you are in the states we are suing you.
2004-07-14 01:38:44 AM  
Lars: "Dude, I had the weirdest dream ... this crab was chasing me."
Some Metallica Guy: "WHAT? Hold on, I'll check my dream journal for what that means. Let's see, *uh dah dau hmmm mmm* .... OK, Crabs. Crabs *mumble* represent *mumble* ---- Dude, you're Gay!"
Lars: "What about the lightning?"
Some Metallica Guy: "*ah mulmble mum*-- Emphasizes the Gay."

//Kudos to whoever gets the reference ;)
2004-07-14 01:41:38 AM  
Dear Metallica,

Kurt called. He wants his sweater back.

Dave Grohl
2004-07-14 01:44:43 AM  
"Sheesh, half of these are offering to make me longer and harder, and the other half say I'm a big enough dick already."
2004-07-14 01:49:15 AM  
Dear Metallica,

I can't find your Pokemon card anywhere. Are you a Basic Pokemon? What is your retreat cost? I am trying to collect them all.

2004-07-14 01:52:36 AM  

I'm a time traveler stuck here in 2004. Upon arriving here my dimensional warp generator stopped working. I trusted a company here by the name of LLC Lasers to repair my Generation 3 52 4350A watch unit, and they fled on me. I am going to need a new DWG unit, prefereably the rechargeable AMD wrist watch model with the GRC79 induction motor, four I80200 warp stabilizers, 512GB of SRAM and the menu driven GUI with front panel XID display.

I will take whatever model you have in stock, as long as its received certification for being safe on carbon based life forms.

In terms of payment: I dont have any Galactic Credits left. Payment can be made in platinum gold or 2004 currency upon safe delivery of unit.

Please transport unit in either a brown paper bag or box to below coordinates on Monday July 28th at (exactly 3:00pm) Eastern Standard Time on the dot. A few minutes prior will be ok, but it cannot be after. If you miss this timeframe please email me.


Although those coordinates are a secure guarded area, these channels through email are never secure. Unfortunately it is the only form of communication I have right now.

After unit has been sent please email me at: inf­o­[nospam-﹫-backwards]ma­rgorp­gnid­nuflar­edef­*co­m with payment instructions. Do not reply directly back to this email.

Thank You

2004-07-14 02:08:36 AM  
Dear James,
I really wish I had punched your lights out at the house of prime rib in 2001, but you had your Oma with you.Or your wifes'.
Please advise when you will be back at one of your favourite restaurants without extended family so I can fufill my destiny.Also please advise where Lars like to hang as I have this special gift for him also.But he wont answer my calls for some reason.

/ and yes, I did have the aforementioned encounter in said place.And yes, I would have taken him down.
/coulda would SHOULDA

now with voting goodness
2004-07-14 02:17:18 AM  
Dear Metallica
I'm sorry. You've obviously gotten this fan mail by mistake. Not only have I never sent anybody that actually had talent a fan letter, but I can honestly say that I don't even know who you guys are, seeing as how I've never "treated" my ears to any of your "work."
Your Biggest Non-fan
2004-07-14 02:21:33 AM  
Dear Metallica,
Enclosed are a couple of things I thought you guy's could use,
A) Intelligent lyrics
B) Harmonies
sorry I can't include musical talent.
Love, Dave Mustaine
P.S. I wrote the first two albums so, your welcome!
2004-07-14 02:23:36 AM  
James: More fan mail for Rivers Cuomo?!
Lars: I told you to get contacts.
2004-07-14 02:24:11 AM  
"Lars, we finally got the $30 rebate check back on the Fisher Price Mircophone we recorded St. Anger on."
2004-07-14 02:40:36 AM  
Dear Guys,

My Mullet is almost like yours!!! ROCK ON forever.

Dumbass Metallica Fan
2004-07-14 03:14:13 AM  
James: Old and busted? Huh?
Lars: Assclowns? The hell?
2004-07-14 03:30:27 AM  
2004-07-14 03:32:53 AM  
Dear Lars,

How do you want us to setup the pyrotechnics this time?
Should we have multiple James-burning explosions on the final leg of the next tour?

I just wanted to apologize for switching your Ridlin with Speed again. Hey, with all the fan suing going on, do you think anyone will actually pay to the shows anymore and since you have all this money pouring in, do you think we might get a raise?


Pissed Off Roadies
2004-07-14 03:40:59 AM  
Dear Metallica,

Thanks for not releasing your documentary until now. Thanks to the fact that you have sued and alienated much of your fanbase, I can continue to enjoy, without fear, the success of "Fahrenheit 911" and its reign as the most successful documentary ever.

Yours truly,

Michael Moore

P.S.: Although I'm still looking forward to seeing "Metallica - Some Kind of Rehab", Crackers is really pissed at you, Lars!
2004-07-14 03:52:10 AM  
SUBJECT: Re: Fwd: ~~~THIS IS SO COOL!!!!~~~
FROM: ste­ve­1­2­8[nospam-﹫-backwards]l­oa*com
TO: l­a­rs[nospam-﹫-backwards]acilla­t­e­m*co­m
ATTACHMENT: VirusThatFARKSyourComputerUp.exe

Dear Lars,

This letter, like many others you sent to me before this one is nothing more than a HOAX. Considering you have ignored previous requests to stop sending me this shiat, I'm not even going to try this time. Enclosed is a cool software that will tell you who's been downloading your music, so you can report them to the RIAA. Ignore the file name, it is NOT a virus.

>5 dancing coke cans will come dancing on your screen if
>you send this to 10 people or more! it is so funny and
>trust me it works! then you will have a chance to win a
>year supply of coke when the entry form appears after the
>dancing coke cans. have fun and good luck
2004-07-14 04:01:22 AM  
Dear friends. You're fat.

Ralf Nader

so what do i win?
2004-07-14 04:02:29 AM  
Hey, Twitch OSX:

biatch, biatch, biatch.

[image from too old to be available]
2004-07-14 04:55:49 AM  
"how do you keep an idiot in suspense? (turn over)"
"how do you keep an idiot in suspense? (turn over)"
"how do you keep an idiot in suspense? (turn over)"
"how do you keep an idiot in suspense? (turn over)"
"how do you keep an idiot in suspense? (turn over)"
"how do you keep an idiot in suspense? (turn over)"
"how do you keep an idiot in suspense? (turn over)"
2004-07-14 05:15:12 AM  
Dear Metallica,

My Name is Eric Cartman. I am a young supple eight your old boy from South Park, Colorado. I am writing to because of a kid a know named Scott Tenorman. Scott is fifteen and I'm afraid he has cancer. In his ass. Metallica is his favorite band, and it would make his short life if you could find it in your hearts to visit him before he dies alone, scared. Won't you please consider it? I don't think he'll make it past next Tuesday around 5.
2004-07-14 05:22:13 AM  
Trujillo: Dude, this guy's sweater smells like a dog.

Guy in sweater: Why doesn't James respond when I touch his ass like I am doing right now?

James: WTF? A letter? WTF? Words? WTF?

Kirk: It says I like to suck . . . clocks?

Lars: Who the hell is this guy in the sweater? I think I'll sue him just for good measure.
2004-07-14 05:31:23 AM  
Hey Guys,

Well, I never thought it would be possible, but people out there actually like my grating, unbearable vocals better than what's left of our band. Sure, you get all the radio play and "Mandatory Metallicas", but I still have my dignity.

Dave Mustaine
2004-07-14 06:45:42 AM  
Lars: WTF? A farking huge royalties invoice? James, was garage inc a covers album.....

James: Well i was under pressure from the label for a single and Reload sucked so much ass..........
2004-07-14 08:07:29 AM  
It's from Lemmy, guys. He's filed suit to stop us claiming Motorhead as an influence, claiming it's too damned embarassing.
2004-07-14 08:30:52 AM  
Dear Metallica,

Funny how I'm making better music with Primus and my solo projects than you did since Cliff died. You could have had a GREAT bassist to replace Cliff, but nooooooooo. I made you look bad. Who's looking bad now, farkers?

Les Claypool
Skipped 117 non-voting comments in this thread
Show all
or log in to change this

Displayed 50 of 126 comments

Oldest | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | » | Newest | Show all

View Voting Results: Votes

This thread is archived, and closed to new comments.

Continue Farking

On Twitter

Top Commented
Javascript is required to view headlines in widget.
  1. Links are submitted by members of the Fark community.

  2. When community members submit a link, they also write a custom headline for the story.

  3. Other Farkers comment on the links. This is the number of comments. Click here to read them.

  4. Click here to submit a link.