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(SFGate) Amusing I'll bet you thought you wouldn't encounter a news story today about a wolverine making sweet, sweet love to a tree. Well sir, that's why you have Fark   (sfgate.com) divider line 96
More: Amusing  

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jaylectricity [TotalFark] 2010-03-09 08:55:22 PM  
What the offspring of Wolverine and a tree may look like:

www.zr5.net

 
The All-Powerful Atheismo 2010-03-09 10:13:47 PM  
westofthewest.files.wordpress.com
TREES!

 
Foaming [TotalFark] 2010-03-09 10:14:53 PM  
Why is Michigan playing Stanford at this time of year?

 
EviLincoln [TotalFark] 2010-03-09 10:15:31 PM  
And now my day is complete.

 
Serious Black 2010-03-09 10:18:42 PM  
Which is worse: a dendrophiliac wolverine, or a zoophiliac tree? Think about it.

 
KentuckyBob 2010-03-09 10:21:39 PM  
The chair is against the wall.

 
minnesotaboy [recently expired TotalFark] 2010-03-09 10:22:37 PM  
What I do with trees in the privacy of my woods is my business, bub...

marvelsuperstars.files.wordpress.com

/Hot like Jean Grey

 
Veteran of the Cola Wars [recently expired TotalFark] 2010-03-09 10:22:45 PM  
A shy young man, inexperienced in the ways of women, comes and visits a whorehouse.

He stutters and stammers, leans on one foot and then the next, and the head Madam knows what he is after.

"Ever been with a woman before boy?" she asks.

He shyly shook his head no.

"Well then, I'll tell you what, way out back, beyond the creek, there is a tree back there with a big knot in it. Why don't you go back there and get your self some practice. When you think you are ready, come back here and I'll have one of the girls give you the special."

So the boy leaves.

A few months later, he returns. He is confident now, assured, his eyes darting from side to side, watching everything. The Madam sends him upstairs with one of her girls.

And in a few minutes, the most horrible screaming is heard all through the whorehouse. All the girls and the Madam burst into the room and see the young man jamming a broomstick into the poor whore sent to service him.

"What in the hell do you think you are doing boy!" the Madam shouts.

"I'm checking for bees first!" the boy replies.

The moral of this story, if there is one, is that I hope that the wolverine checked for bees first.

 
simpsonfan 2010-03-09 10:22:48 PM  
I bet it was one of those slutty aspen trees.

 
BLIXX [TotalFark] 2010-03-09 10:23:48 PM  
Serious Black: Which is worse: a dendrophiliac wolverine, or a zoophiliac tree? Think about it.

Both are extinct in california.... or so we thought.

 
Noam Chimpsky 2010-03-09 10:24:07 PM  
This is how porcupines are formed.

 
fenianfark 2010-03-09 10:25:10 PM  
The All-Powerful Atheismo: TREES!

Dammit. You beat me to it.

 
Noam Chimpsky 2010-03-09 10:25:17 PM  
Noam Chimpsky: This is how porcupines are formed.

There.

 
ha-ha-guy [TotalFark] 2010-03-09 10:26:00 PM  
Those things are nasty, nasty little critters. Years ago I voluntereed at a wolf preserve and we had the local sheriff bring in a wolverine. They found it in a cage in some redneck's barn. I'm told the first deputy basically went "Oh look at this little weasel thing. I'll just grab it and OOOH MY GOD, IT'S CLAWING MY FACE OFF."

They eventually tied it up and tossed it in the back of a cruiser. In the space of about a 25 minute drive it got through the ropes, the plastic door cover and was making a strong attempt to gnaw through the metal of the cruiser door and escape.

We kept it in on of the isolation runs for violent wolves for a few weeks until he could be transported out to Montana. Talk about nothing but muscle, pointy ends and anger management issues.

 
SpeelChuck [TotalFark] 2010-03-09 10:28:26 PM  
Don't call me sir, Shirley. Grrrr.

/I would like...

//to feed your feeengerteeeps...

///to de wolvereeenes.

(nothing is obscure on Fark.)

 
valar_morghulis 2010-03-09 10:30:04 PM  
jaylectricity:

 
AlwaysRightBoy [TotalFark] 2010-03-09 10:30:39 PM  
Would you, could you.... say 'he's giving it wood'?

 
EighthundredmillionthFarker 2010-03-09 10:33:30 PM  
That's not making love... that's just farking.

 
Fano 2010-03-09 10:34:58 PM  
Does not the wind love the dirt? Just give it all you've got and do it in da butt!

 
theorellior 2010-03-09 10:35:34 PM  
Three cheers for Fark! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah!

 
srhp29 2010-03-09 10:37:08 PM  
Tate Forcier?

 
TheHopeDiamond 2010-03-09 10:37:15 PM  
What's with their only two explanations? How about, "It wandered into a truck or something and got a free cross-country trip"?

They don't even make eggheads like they used to.

 
w-w-w 2010-03-09 10:38:24 PM  
snltranscripts.jt.org

I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.

 
Ishkur 2010-03-09 10:42:10 PM  
It is really really hard to find genuine video and graphic information about wolverines on the internet.

A search for "wolverine" gives you pages of links about Logan/James Howlett/Patch/Weapon X/whatever he calls himself these days.

A search for "wolverines" gives you either Michigan State football or Red Dawn.

I hate the internet sometimes. Genuinely interesting information drowned out by pop culture bullshiat.

 
Mr_Master2 2010-03-09 10:45:31 PM  
Ishkur: It is really really hard to find genuine video and graphic information about wolverines on the internet.

A search for "wolverine" gives you pages of links about Logan/James Howlett/Patch/Weapon X/whatever he calls himself these days.

A search for "wolverines" gives you either Michigan State football or Red Dawn.

I hate the internet sometimes. Genuinely interesting information drowned out by pop culture bullshiat.


The wiki entry is the third one on Google for "wolverine" ...

 
Clete Orris 2010-03-09 10:45:43 PM  
NSFW... different position.
www.inkycircus.com

 
kmmontandon [TotalFark] 2010-03-09 10:46:18 PM  
"I wish we had the answers," said Amanda Shufelberger, a wildlife biologist for Sierra Pacific Industries, which has used a baited remote camera to photograph the animal several times over the past few weeks.


I call shenanigans.

There's no way a wolverine could find a tree still standing if Sierra Pacific is involved.

 
traylor 2010-03-09 10:46:42 PM  
The same happened to me one time when I was drunk.

 
The All-Powerful Atheismo 2010-03-09 10:47:46 PM  
traylor: The same happened to me one time when I was drunk.

A wolverine tried to hump you?

 
Clete Orris 2010-03-09 10:48:01 PM  
www.wolverinefoundation.org

/perfect caption

 
Kanemano 2010-03-09 10:48:30 PM  
Ishkur: I hate the internet sometimes. Genuinely interesting information drowned out by pop culture bullshiat.

and porn, lots and lots of porn.

 
Kriggerel 2010-03-09 10:49:05 PM  
Ishkur: It is really really hard to find genuine video and graphic information about wolverines on the internet.

A search for "wolverine" gives you pages of links about Logan/James Howlett/Patch/Weapon X/whatever he calls himself these days.

A search for "wolverines" gives you either Michigan State football or Red Dawn.

I hate the internet sometimes. Genuinely interesting information drowned out by pop culture bullshiat.


Google the word 'ocelot', and most of what you get will be images from Metal Gear Solid.

 
JonBuck 2010-03-09 10:49:34 PM  
jaylectricity: What the offspring of Wolverine and a tree may look like:

Somebody call the SCP Foundation.

 
OscarTamerz 2010-03-09 10:50:15 PM  
Idaho-to-California crossing requires a long slog through sagebrush-covered high-elevation desert, habitat unknown to wolverines.

I'm guessing it hid out in a truck from I-15 down to I-80 and got off in Reno/Tahoe. That would have taken it less than a day. Probably once the truck go going it was that long before the first stop or that's where the trucker slept. Of course there are some other attractions like the Mustang Ranch so that might have played a part.

 
Egalitarian 2010-03-09 10:51:29 PM  
Ishkur: It is really really hard to find genuine video and graphic information about wolverines on the internet.

A search for "wolverine" gives you pages of links about Logan/James Howlett/Patch/Weapon X/whatever he calls himself these days.

A search for "wolverines" gives you either Michigan State football or Red Dawn.

I hate the internet sometimes. Genuinely interesting information drowned out by pop culture bullshiat.


Try using Boolean searching. Google uses a hyphen before a NOT word.

wolverine AND weasel -Xmen -football

 
BLIXX [TotalFark] 2010-03-09 10:52:18 PM  
Kanemano: Ishkur: I hate the internet sometimes. Genuinely interesting information drowned out by pop culture bullshiat.

and porn, lots and lots of porn.


What's this pop culture thing you keep speaking of?

 
Clete Orris 2010-03-09 10:52:30 PM  
Ishkur: It is really really hard to find genuine video and graphic information about wolverines on the internet.

A search for "wolverine" gives you pages of links about Logan/James Howlett/Patch/Weapon X/whatever he calls himself these days.

A search for "wolverines" gives you either Michigan State football or Red Dawn.

I hate the internet sometimes. Genuinely interesting information drowned out by pop culture bullshiat.


Chock full of FAIL!

 
Veteran of the Cola Wars [recently expired TotalFark] 2010-03-09 10:52:57 PM  
The All-Powerful Atheismo: traylor: The same happened to me one time when I was drunk.

A wolverine tried to hump you?


Wolverines don't try to hump anything.

They just do it.

/Why do I suddenly hear a White Zombie song in my head right now?
//Wanna try me?

 
Slick Johnson 2010-03-09 10:53:01 PM  
Wow. Even I've never been so desperate as to hump a tree and it's been quite while since I had any.

/that Wolverine is only about twenty miles from me. Did they give coordinates?

 
Clete Orris 2010-03-09 10:54:13 PM  
You know who else allegedly humped a tree?

 
EviLincoln [TotalFark] 2010-03-09 10:55:06 PM  
Slick Johnson: Wow. Even I've never been so desperate as to hump a tree and it's been quite while since I had any.

/that Wolverine is only about twenty miles from me. Did they give coordinates?


You're gonna try and make time with the lonely wolverine?

Sick bastard.

 
The Angry Hand of God [recently expired TotalFark] 2010-03-09 10:55:33 PM  
Ishkur: It is really really hard to find genuine video and graphic information about wolverines on the internet.

A search for "wolverine" gives you pages of links about Logan/James Howlett/Patch/Weapon X/whatever he calls himself these days.

A search for "wolverines" gives you either Michigan State football or Red Dawn.

I hate the internet sometimes. Genuinely interesting information drowned out by pop culture bullshiat.


In all fairness, I assume that you are using Google, which uses popularity as one of the main criteria for prioritizing search results. Since the term "wolverine" or "wolverines" happens to be associated with incredibly successful comic books and movies, and also the Michigan football team, I would suggest adding something like "animal" to your search to refine your results. The use of quotes in your search may also be beneficial.

To give you a great example of this, try searching for something like, How many lemons should I obtain to host an ice tea party, and I guarantee the majority of you results will end up with you seeing a picture of two elderly men performing oral sex on each other.

 
studebaker hoch [recently expired TotalFark] 2010-03-09 10:56:27 PM  
WOLVERINE!!

/There's only one of them in CA, that's why he's so horny.

 
jingks 2010-03-09 10:57:18 PM  
The Angry Hand of God: To give you a great example of this, try searching for something like, How many lemons should I obtain to host an ice tea party, and I guarantee the majority of you results will end up with you seeing a picture of two elderly men performing oral sex on each other.

That sounds one lemon short of a party.

 
ThatsTremendous 2010-03-09 10:59:31 PM  
jingks: The Angry Hand of God: To give you a great example of this, try searching for something like, How many lemons should I obtain to host an ice tea party, and I guarantee the majority of you results will end up with you seeing a picture of two elderly men performing oral sex on each other.

That sounds one lemon short of a party.


And won't he feel like a goat when he doesn't find what he's looking for!

 
EighthundredmillionthFarker 2010-03-09 11:00:00 PM  
The Angry Hand of God: To give you a great example of this, try searching for something like, How many lemons should I obtain to host an ice tea party any damn thing, and I guarantee the majority of you results will end up with you seeing a picture of two elderly men performing oral sex on each other.

All better

 
MaritimeGirl 2010-03-09 11:01:55 PM  
FTFA "he knows I'm coming before I'm close"

/giggity

 
mikalmd 2010-03-09 11:04:49 PM  
Hey, That was my slutty aspen...

 
studebaker hoch [recently expired TotalFark] 2010-03-09 11:04:52 PM  
img687.imageshack.us

 
100 Watt Walrus 2010-03-09 11:04:57 PM  
jaylectricity: What the offspring of Wolverine and a tree may look like:

img163.imageshack.us

 
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