Wonder what she's going to get stuffed in her stocking....

Oh who hasn't ripped the beard off Santa before.

My favorite part is how the confirmed the pain inflicted by such act with Santa's helpers.

I'm all for the Minor in Possession charge, but assault? Come on.

'Twas the fight before Christmas, when all thro' the plaza,
Near Conseco Fieldhouse (not named for Piazza),
The children lined up near the cheap set with care,
In hopes that some costumed guy soon would be there;
They waited with patience and lists full of toys,
While money-plagued parents had no cause for joys.


Some mama carried flasks with all kinds of booze
And had plans that night for a long winter's snooze -
Out on the plaza, it was worse than we feared,
As Mama was scheming to pluck Santa's beard.
Away went soberness with each moment's pass,
It was sadly clear she was drunk off her ass.


The spilling of vodka on new-fallen snow
Was foreshadowing to the puke she'd bestow;
When, what to my deeply shamed eyes should appear,
But Mama falling into plastic reindeer,
With an off-kilter stumble, not lively but quick,
I knew in a moment that she must be sick.


More rapid than eagles her epithets came,
She bellowed and hollered and did not seem tame:
"Now, what's this, now, what gives, get out of my way!
"Move, scumbags, move, dumbass, STEP BACK FROM THE SLEIGH!
"THESE LINES ARE FOR SUCKERS AND I HATE YOU ALL!
"Now dash away! Dash away! DASH TO THE MALL!"


As dry heaves appear before a barfly
And are met with disgust and often a sigh;
So up to the Santa, the boozer did stumble,
With a purse full of mints, yet her breath made paint crumble,
And then in an instant, I heard from his chair
That he mumbled "oh, crap" and could only stare.


As I obscured my face, and soon turned around,
Down onto ol' St. Nick's lap did the lush bound:
She dress'd in a Snuggie, from her head to her toes,
That tacky leopard print made all say "OH NOES;"
A bundle of hair was flung on her back,
Like Dog (Bounty Hunter) after a six-pack.


Her eyes - how they were glazed! Her buck teeth: how scary,
Her cheeks all had pockmarks. Her warts? Very hairy;
The teeth in her wide agape mouth did not glow,
And the hair in her ears was as white as the snow;
And ol' Santa's beard, Mama held in her fingers,
Her face haunts his dreams and her vodka breath lingers.


He shrieked with great pain and thought she was smelly,
He shook when he yelped, like a bowl full of jelly:
He was very frightened and scared all to hell,
I shuddered and muttered, "This will not end well."
Officers came and screamed, "HANDS ON YOUR HEAD!"
Right there and then, I had plenty to dread.


The cops spoke no words, but went straight to their work,
And put her in handcuffs; she turn'd with a jerk,
And give them the finger with unkind words said,
Was put in the car and told, "Please watch your head."
The fuzz sprung to their car and left for the station,
And away they then drove, Mama full of libation.


And you'll hear me exclaim, ere they took her to jail -
"Merry Christmas to all! ... I don't wanna post bail."

He smelled of beef and cheese and sat on a throne of lies.

"Did you fark my mom..."

Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener

Ron Artest?

Why is Santa Claus a pervert?

He knows where all the naughty girls are.

/try the waitress, tip the veal

Maybe Bad Santa had it coming.

The Baby Jesus Mafia strikes again!

Funk Brothers: Ron Artest?

No, that's "Deck the Fans."

/I'm Santa BTW

Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: (Awesomeness)

This post is 100% jawesome.

naughty girl pix

/counting on you, we are

Carmel teenagers are reputed to do "drunk and naughty" much better than this, ordinarily.

You're on the naughty list now Jack Bauer. The naughty list... (new window)

lacydog: Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: (Awesomeness)

This post is 100% jawesome.

Grr.... stupid hotlinking not working:















/Not sure if it's spelled "jawesome" or "jawsome"

How does one assault public intoxication? And why would she attack two of the greatest things ever-Santa and public drunkeness?

lacydog: lacydog: Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: (Awesomeness)

This post is 100% jawesome.

Grr.... stupid hotlinking not working:

Well, thank ya kindly - cheers!



/Not sure if it's spelled "jawesome" or "jawsome"

Heh, it's just a po-tay-to/po-tah-to kinda deal, I would imagine!

Wasn't she the subject of a lot of threads here a few years back?

Something about Aruba?

Poor girl just can't stay out of the news.

WTF is up with all the pock marks on the face?

/too close to the flame maybe?

gorgor: APPROVES
http://tinyurl.com/ydk38zb
(copy and paste, NSFW)

Hey, Gorgy, if you're gonna post a rerun, than so am I! :D



/It's only fair!

Mods, scratch orig post, plskthx! :D

gawd dammit reply to me

This is what happens when you don't hire La Fours for security.

lacydog: /Not sure if it's spelled "jawesome" or "jawsome"

I would think "Jaws" > "awe" => "jawsome"

The comments section on the IndyStar remind me how stupid people are..

I'm sure her parents and grandmother are really proud of her.
Maybe she can get them each a framed 5x7 of that nice picture they took of her.

"Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking?"

- Arlo Guthrie

you are a puppet: "Did you fark my mom..."

Came here for the Always Sunny reference...Thanks!

I was asked to be santa this year for the LDS church in our area, and we did the whole "photos with santa" thing last week.

Here I am, with two of the seemingly hundreds of kids that told me what they wanted.





It was an awesome experience. The kids were just fantastic.

I drove to work with the suit on last week too, and handed out gifts there - I must have had 100 people honk and wave, during my commute - but I saw so many smiles.

Sometimes the Christmas spirit is just amazing.


One kid did actually ask for "an official Red Rider, carbine-action, two hundred shot, range model air rifle" - so I told her "You'll shoot your eye out!"

Most kids asked for video games, or ponies/puppies

mtylerjr: I drove to work with the suit on last week too, and handed out gifts there - I must have had 100 people honk and wave, during my commute - but I saw so many smiles.



/But really, cool story bro.

"Drunken woman held after attacking Santa"
Who held her, was she in need of a hug?

My last trip to see a Santa at the mall when I was a kid was when Santa had so much vodka on his breath that it was stinging my eyes. He kept on telling me that my toy choices were wrong, and that I should want specific other toys instead. I later found out that Santa gets a base pay plus a percentage of the toy sales from a specific list of toys from manufacturers who pay extra$$ for special advertising inserts in the local paper.

tylerjr - very cool!

hazarabs - sucks to be you. get over it.

I'd hold her....

It's been awhile

hazarabs - sucks to be you. get over it.

Actually, I think it's a damned fine& funny way to exit childhood. I get a great laugh when I remember. I can't imagine sinking that low tho. Could you show up shiatfaced for a line of a hundred kids and tell them their toy-dreams suck? That's some people-skillz I be lackin'.

I'd like to think that Santamas is the time we need to remember the baby Elvis taught us all the magic of Santa. Apologies for over reacting. Thank you Elvis, and Santa.

It is so sad that an excuse for a naughty Santa thread would go to waste.

\Sad I am

i like to think of baby santa christ as a mischevious badger.

/you guys ever seen that show Manimal?

Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener: "Merry Christmas to all! ... I don't wanna post bail."

That was GREAT!

mtylerjr: so I told her "You'll shoot your eye out!"

That's the spirit.

Loud_Mouth_Soup: How does one assault public intoxication? And why would she attack two of the greatest things ever-Santa and public drunkeness?

This!

gorgor: Juniper Jupiter: Hey, Gorgy, if you're gonna post a rerun, than so am I! :D

/It's only fair!

Are you saying you wouldn't do that twice? :)

LOL!

Let's just say I have several family members on my "shiat list"...but oddly they have no chimneys.

/Weird.
//But YOUR pic...I'd hit three times...because there's three of them. DUH!

mtylerjr: I was asked to be santa this year for the LDS church in our area, and we did the whole "photos with santa" thing last week.

Here I am, with two of the seemingly hundreds of kids that told me what they wanted.

It was an awesome experience. The kids were just fantastic.

I drove to work with the suit on last week too, and handed out gifts there - I must have had 100 people honk and wave, during my commute - but I saw so many smiles.

Sometimes the Christmas spirit is just amazing.


One kid did actually ask for "an official Red Rider, carbine-action, two hundred shot, range model air rifle" - so I told her "You'll shoot your eye out!"

Most kids asked for video games, or ponies/puppies

When I was working on an Alzheimers unit I dressed up one year as Santa for my shift. It's truly not just kids that enjoy it.