I guess Drew is up late tonight.

Just in time for the holiday not-news Mad Lib season, it's the top ten POOP TOYS that will POOP KILL your POOP CHILDREN

Needs work

Someone oughta write a book about this wacky media trend.

f*ck you and your slideshow... not even a warning. jeez.

Uchiha_Cycliste: f*ck you and your slideshow... not even a warning. jeez.

Sorry. My bad. I will try to remember.

dahmers love zombie: Uchiha_Cycliste: f*ck you and your slideshow... not even a warning. jeez.

Sorry. My bad. I will try to remember.

please do, being forewarned is everything.

robomonkster: POOP KILL

If all else fails you can be a writer for Demolition Man 2.

Apparently, a nerf gun is insanely dangerous.

#4 THE DARK KNIGHT BATMAN FIGURE
...
HAZARD: POTENTIAL FOR BLUNT IMPACT AND PENETRATION INJURIES!


I guess kids *really* love Batman.

TheJoe03: "How about this new toy; its called Bag O' Glass! Kids love it!"

yogaFLAME: robomonkster: POOP KILL

If all else fails you can be a writer for Demolition Man 2.

What's your boggle?
Uh oh... Boggle?
Potential for choking and spelling accidents.
Ever play Boggle on weed?
It sucks balls.
Also potential for choking accidents.

If only there was this place we could keep our children...it would have to be a safe place that was protected from the outside world...and we could fill it with liquid they could breathe in and out, but they could be fed nutrients through some sort of tube, maybe connected via their belly button. And we could leave them in that protective sphere with the nice liquid barrier against disease and light and loud noises until they turn 18. Then we can send them to college with lots of trophies for participation and a purity ring.

The author is really concerned that the point may be missed! I'm not sure which is more annoying! Oh, the excessive exclamation points! MAYBE THE ALL CAPS FOR THE DIRE WARNING AT THE BOTTOM OF EACH PAGE!

IT'S SO HARD TO CHOOSE!

/glad to see that journalism degree paying off for someone

I for one am grateful for this article as I couldn't figure out what to get all my nieces and nephews this year. Now I have all I need in one handy list.

HAZARD: POTENTIAL FOR BLUNT IMPACT AND PENETRATION INJURIES! That's what she said...
/HEY-oo!!!

Cytokine Storm: I for one am grateful for this article as I couldn't figure out what to get all my nieces and nephews this year. Now I have all I need in one handy list.

Get 'em OxyContin.
They'll love it.

"Look, Daddy! Santa got me Hot Wheels! I think I'll EAT IT!"

/Obscure?

Uh, did anyone else catch:

#9 PUCCI PUPS MALTESE:
HAZARD: POTENTIAL FOR STRANGULATION AND ASPIRATION INJURIES!

After your daughter plays with this, she'll give up her aspirations to be a lawyer and just want to work in a dog grooming salon!

/Yeah, it probably means something else
//Too lazy to Google it right now

House of Tards: #4 THE DARK KNIGHT BATMAN FIGURE
...
HAZARD: POTENTIAL FOR BLUNT IMPACT AND PENETRATION INJURIES!


I guess kids *really* love Batman.

It can happen... (new window)

My wife and I just went through the list even though we don't have kids. I go for the humor value. She goes for the sheer WTF. And ya know, she came up with the best point I've heard.

Your kid could choke or hurt themselves on a BANANA. So, until you start putting warning stickers on fruit, this list is really irrelevant.

In the end, WATCH your children. Lady? Put down your pint of Haagen-Dazs and take your eyes off your farking soaps you half-baked white-trash inbred hillbilly biatch and pay attention to your kids for thirty seconds.

noobalicious: My wife and I just went through the list even though we don't have kids. I go for the humor value. She goes for the sheer WTF. And ya know, she came up with the best point I've heard.

Your kid could choke or hurt themselves on a BANANA. So, until you start putting warning stickers on fruit, this list is really irrelevant.

In the end, WATCH your children. Lady? Put down your pint of Haagen-Dazs and take your eyes off your farking soaps you half-baked white-trash inbred hillbilly biatch and pay attention to your kids for thirty seconds.

Yep, just thirty seconds, over and over, every minute of every day. Otherwise you're just irresponsible!

/Child-free and happy.

Holy crap, Pogo Balls are back?

I'll take Farking for one-hundred Alex.

Wheres the stick?

I mean really, I get my nephews a stick every farking year and they dont manage to penetrate themselves. (as far as I know).

Can you please stop subitting shiot like this? Fark only gives them undue advertising revenue. The most dangerous present of all is a greenlight.

/Seriously.
//Stop.

BeSerious: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh.

This is the third thread in a row I have seen you in where all you have done is complain that other people weren't posting up to your standards of excellence.

Please, lead by example. I'll give you the floor.

Does anyone have that link to the SNL skit where Dan Akroyd is a cheap guy trying to sell all sorts of these dangerous toys?

I thought that first slide was some kind of dildo.

WTF item four is an action figure that is dangerous because blunt force trauma.
"Hey, this Batman figure will make a cool club I can use to beat my sister."
Mad lib made up list indeed.

I saw nothing dangerous on that list which is exclusive to the toys or is not thrown out, such as packaging, except the long leash on the dog.

My wife and I just went through the list even though we don't have kids. I go for the humor value. She goes for the sheer WTF. And ya know, she came up with the best point I've heard.

Your kid could choke or hurt themselves on a BANANA. So, until you start putting warning stickers on fruit, this list is really irrelevant.

In the end, WATCH your children. Lady? Put down your pint of Haagen-Dazs and take your eyes off your farking soaps you half-baked white-trash inbred hillbilly biatch and pay attention to your kids for thirty seconds.


I as a parent of an almost 2 year old I would like to find the mother who is able to sit eating Haagen-Dazs and watching soaps all day. This woman's parenting ability must be so great that she is able to sit and relax while her toddler gets into no harm, remains calm if put into his/her cot or playpen. Doesn't shriek, doesn't get hurt. This woman must have spent many hours conditioning a very young child to act with the maturity beyond the child's years. This woman must be super mum or...

The reality is her child may get hurt on something because she is doing something else i.e cleaning, turning her back for 10 seconds, attending to another child, doing a shiat. As a parent of a toddler I can tell you one truth; even if you wanted to spend all day eating ice cream and watching brain deadening television you cannot. Even with no housework, nothing to do you cannot sit all day watching tv as a toddler will not let you do that. Toddlers are too curious, too giddy, too loving, too nosey, too noisy, too hungry, too wanting.

There's nothing like hard hitting news story that basically repeats a press release from a lawyer that makes millions suing over "dangerous" toys.

Swartz and his alleged consumer group have been a staple here in Boston for decades.

Link (new window)

Aside from the space shuttle dildo and the Cat axle that can puncture, everything else (barring something I missed because I'm drunk) has twist-ties that hold the toy to the packaging that seems to raise the red flag of "OMFG teh children will eat that!!!"

List fails. As cruel as this sounds, kids need to learn some pain. Remember the cutting boards that slid out from beneath the kitchen counter? Yeah, I walked into them when I was that height. And then I realized, hey... that hurts. Maybe I need to pay attention to where I'm walking. And I quit braining myself on them. Same thing with dad's lit cig on the edge of the toolbox, trying to cut a sharp turn with a bicycle on a gravel driveway, farking the teacher that was just okay looking and was just a meh lay, etc.

Lawn. Off.

CAT RUGGED MINI = HAZARD: POTENTIAL FOR PUNCTURE WOUND INJURIES!

How exactly? I'd like to see a demo on how this toy can give you puncture wounds.

Why are kids today so fragile?

I had a large collection of toy trucks, tractors/farm equipment and construction vehicles when I was a kid. They were made of steel, had real rubber tires, very little plastic, working lights, lots of chrome and were heavy as hell, especially my road grader and garbage truck that had a working crusher (imagine selling a toy today that crushed things). They were great toys for a kid like me who had a fascination with anything truck, construction, farm equipment vehicle related. Such was my fascination that I once tried to steal a real back hoe when I was 9, but only got about 50 yards before I stalled it out. WTF I was going to do with it I don't really remember.

Thank god I was born before people started going ape shait crazy about toy safety. My toy trucks would have never been made. Of course some injuries were caused by my toy trucks, but it was just simple stuff like me clubbing my brother in the head with a John Deere tractor, but that kind of thing was par for the course back then, at least in my family. A quick trip to the ER and everything was fine.

I was just thinking how glad I am that lawn darts hadn't been outlawed back then. They were fun weapons toys.

eeeleeet: TheJoe03: "How about this new toy; its called Bag O' Glass! Kids love it!"

This is what I came for. Every other comment is gravy

Guest:

(snip)

The reality is her child may get hurt on something because she is doing something else i.e cleaning, turning her back for 10 seconds, attending to another child, doing a shiat. As a parent of a toddler I can tell you one truth; even if you wanted to spend all day eating ice cream and watching brain deadening television you cannot. Even with no housework, nothing to do you cannot sit all day watching tv as a toddler will not let you do that. Toddlers are too curious, too giddy, too loving, too nosey, too noisy, too hungry, too wanting.



You clearly haven't spent any time in the low-income world. I grew up in it, and I still live around it. I don't know how many parents I've seen pay close to no attention to their toddlers as they're running through the house, falling down and chipping their teeth on the Mountain Dew can they're never without. They're on the phone, talking to their girlfriends about how they're going to pay the rent-to-own bill every week now that Daddy went to jail, watching Maury give yet another paternity test. One mom I currently know feels pretty self-righteous that she only lets her 3-year-old girl drink Diet. I won't even start on what they're feeding these kids. Jesus effin Christ. Don't try to play it off like it's some ridiculous hyperbole; there are really those people out there.

Oh, and I would buy my daughter any of these toys. If I caught her putting them in her mouth, I'd administer a quick slap to the back of the head. It helps jumpstart the neurons.

Sudlow: There's nothing like hard hitting news story that basically repeats a press release from a lawyer that makes millions suing over "dangerous" toys.

Swartz and his alleged consumer group have been a staple here in Boston for decades.

Link (new window)

May the Swartz be with you.

IF EVERYTHING IS IN CAPS LOCK THEN NOTHING IS IN CAPS LOCK!

Just use "fark":

Just in time for the holiday not-news Mad Lib season, it's the top ten FARKIN' TOYS that will FARKIN' KILL your FARKIN' CHILDREN

Woiks for me.

Glad to have been a kid in the pre-CPSC era...we had the "BEST" toys...now collectors items worth $$$

These are the most dangerous toys they could find? A set of jacks would be more dangerous than this stuff, or do they not make those anymore either?

"I've been pretty flexible so far, but I'm positive one of those words has to be 'penis!'"

I'm the aunt that does her Christmas shopping in the summertime at the ren faires. My nieces and nephews get swords and decorative knives for presents.

None of those are on the list, so I guess it's okay!

Jamieboy: I was just thinking how glad I am that lawn darts hadn't been outlawed back then. They were fun weapons toys.

It took me a long time to find a set of vintage Jarts (I collect old toys, mostly from the 60s & 70s). They were nearly impossible to find! I remember them when I was a kid & it STILL annoys me that they were outlawed. They weren't inherently dangerous--just don't go harpooning your siblings with them & stand clear of the target area when playing. But noooooo! Some busy-body "think of the children!" group banded together and said they're too dangerous, yet REGULAR darts still abound. The illogic of banning all the cool toys never ceases to astound me.

Some of the toys & games I've collected have been seriously altered or just discontinued. Ker-Plunk w/its pointy sticks, click-clacks, Creepy Crawlers w/its open-face electric hotplate, EZ Bake Oven w/exposed 200watt light bulb, chemistry set w/an alcohol burner, etc. All these & more were readily available to us and yet we managed not to die or become seriously injured. Those who did--well, we just chalked it up to Darwinism in action.

FTA:

The group, World Against Toys Causing Harm, or WATCH, is a non-profit organization with a mission to educate the public about the dangers of toys.

Because having an imagination is a sure way to get yourself killed.

caperbear: "I've been pretty flexible so far, but I'm positive one of those words has to be 'penis!'"

You good sir win a internet

House of Tards: #4 THE DARK KNIGHT BATMAN FIGURE
...
HAZARD: POTENTIAL FOR BLUNT IMPACT AND PENETRATION INJURIES!


I guess kids *really* love Batman.


"And GI Joe got stuck! And GI Joe got stuck!" (new window)

brigid_fitch:
Some of the toys & games I've collected have been seriously altered or just discontinued. Ker-Plunk w/its pointy sticks, click-clacks, Creepy Crawlers w/its open-face electric hotplate, EZ Bake Oven w/exposed 200watt light bulb, chemistry set w/an alcohol burner, etc. All these & more were readily available to us and yet we managed not to die or become seriously injured. Those who did--well, we just chalked it up to Darwinism in action.


This