"Man, you were such a whiny biatch on 'I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.' But you're much less biatchy in person."

"Where are all the white wom...Hey, girl!"

Oops.

"My favorite movie is Black on Blond 27."
"Mine too."

Damn, girl, you've got the palest skin I've ever come across.

"Okaaayy.. annnnd who the fark are you?"

And you must be the ambassador from Melniboné...

Yes...I think I heard your husband mention your "open" marriage to my wife...but, uh, the camera crew is a deal-breaker...sorry.

"Thank you for waving me through, Mr. President."

"My pleasure, it's an honor to have the one and only Edgar Winter at my party."

"Socialist, meet Socialite."

"My husband likes to watch me have sex with powerful black men. Are you busy later?"

"Yes, I love attention too."

Finally, I get something for all of my taxes!

"Oh, it's twue. It's twue. It's twue, it's twue!"

"There is a huge nose in the upper left-hand corner of this picture"

"Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon?"

"But of course..."

Glad to see you, looks like you can use a good meal.

"Is it twue how they say you people are gifted? Oh, it's twue! It's twue! It's twue!"

/ "Lady, you're sucking on my teleprompter."

"Hey baby I know I'm half white but I am black where it counts."

What do you mean, I'll probably be reading about you in tomorrow's paper? And what's your husband snickering about?

"Sorry to hear about Tiger, Michelle is cheering him up. Who is cheernig you up? Babe?"

Cheernig: Noun, very possesive. And how about that Mr. Wilson?

Now, now Tareq. Actually, truth be told, polling shows that a majority of the American people would ultimately empathize with our situation.

"It's okay, it still hurts when I smile too."

thats right honey, crawl under the podium and wait for me...

"Go hand a salami, I'm a lasagna hog!"

"You're much funnier on Saturday Night Live."

"I'm glad security didn't give you any trouble. I had to show my birth certificate before they let me in."

"Ma'am, why are you wearing the curtains from the Red Room?"

"And you see Mr. President I am wearing a sari, which as you know is a traditional dress dress worn in India. A country whose people are often mistaken for Middle Eastern Muslim terrorists by ignorant Middle Americans. It's my little act of irony...And did you know..."

"Okay who invited the yappy white biatch? I'm gonna be calling the IRS tomorrow on some mothafarker!"

"Will act for food . . . obviously I'm unemployed."

"Although we're political enemies, it's a pleasure to meet you, Ms. Coulter."

I feel the change I can believe in ... IN MY PANTS!

"Why YES we can,,, step into my office. Care for a cigar???"

"Security didn't give you any trouble either, right? Hell, I didn't even have to show then my birth certificate. They just let me right in."

'hehe ... drive better than Tiger, now that's funny!'

President Obama! Where's my bow??

"I wish Michelle looked half this good..."

CBS announced they had begun selecting contestants for the fall season of "Survivor". In the past, Survivor has taken place in such exotic locations like the Amazon River, Africa or Australia. This year, the location is still being decided. It will either be Guantanamo or Thompson, Illinois. Both are considered exotic locations. Guantanamo because of it's tropical local and Thompson Illinois because it doesn't have a McDonalds.

This year people will be encouraged to vote and send their favorite or least favorite contestants in to the "Alternative Interrogation room where they will be electro shocked, water board or forced to watch Tony Danza for 24 hours straight.

This fall on CBS. Survivor- Gitmo or Survivor ThomsIll.

CBS Yeah. We're still on.

Would you like to see my stimulus package?

Honestly... I hope they stick it to both of these losers. They're no different than balloon dad.

Why is this an issue? Oh wait, the messiah is vulnerable.

GaryPDX: Why is this an issue? Oh wait, the messiah is vulnerable.

Palin is vulnerable?

Well she does play the victim a lot.

FloydA: And you must be the ambassador from Melniboné...

Should have enabled voting on that one.....

Did you ever think you would stand in line and risk prison to see a black man?

This running a country thing is hard, and so am I *wink*.

B.O.: Once you go black, you never go back.

Her: Once you go white, your credit goes right.

Banana goes where?

"So, you want to be on a reality show? At least you didn't launch an overgrown weather balloon and say your kid was inside."