This also is apparently frowned on

"This turkey is so tasty, Susan. What did you baste it with?"

"Mr. Bubble."

NOW you farking tell me.

The most important thing that many men forget to do is preheating the oven before trying to stick the turkey in.

This is still OK...Right?

I'm just waiting for all the "moran incinerates self deep-frying turkey" threads this weekend.

In all seriousness, one thing you cannot do to a butterball is brine it. It's already been processed so much that all you get is an overly salty turkey.

Now those fresh kosher turkeys. Gotta love pre-brined the right way.

Starryeyes: The most important thing that many men forget to do is preheating the oven before trying to stick the turkey in.

You're speaking euphemistically, right? I'll just pretend that's what you were doing, regardless. ;)

Avoid this as well.

Trivia Jockey: Avoid this as well.

NOT to be avoided: RTFT.

I used to host Thanksgiving for my in-laws (all of my family is scattered around the country but the in-laws all live within an hour of me). 2 years ago, my mother-in-law bought a new house and wanted to have Thanksgiving. No problem--after 15 years, I was happy for the break. 3 days before Thanksgiving, she called and asked if I wouldn't mind bringing something. I told her of COURSE I wouldn't mind! What a silly question. What would you like me to bring?

Her: "The turkey?"

/Mom-in-law wasn't being a biatch--she's just a total flake. Think Gracie Allen and you come close.
//She hadn't cooked turkey before and was completely stupefied by the whole process. She's the reason Buttball has the hotline

brigid_fitch: She's the reason Buttball has the hotline

Uh... I think you're dialing the wrong number.

brigid_fitch: I used to host Thanksgiving for my in-laws

I'm still doing the bird after many years because my in-laws DO not know how to cook for anything. They're idea of seafood is fish sticks.
/picking the bird up from Hick's (fresh) tonight to go in the brine first thing tomorrow

brigid_fitch: She's the reason Buttball has the hotline

Giggety.

My butterBall is about a size 14

But it's still OK if I'm gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes...

FTFA: Some of the women -- yes, they're all women -- have worked on the hot line since its inception

Butterball has discriminitory hiring practices?

AlwaysRightBoy: This is still OK...Right?

Bathing in hamburgers with another dude? I don't think that was ever ok.

I am going to my sisters this thanksgiving, it will be her first year hosting at there new house. I wonder how things will go, as my wife and the rest of my family are on thin ice. My wife has been really quiet sense they fixed her meds, so that may help us.

Joe Bethersonton of Fargo, ND wanted for comment.

Even fake Presidents have consulted the Butterball Hotline. (poppity)

You only need to do two things:
1 - Brine it.
2 - Use a digital thermometer with a probe wire to check that you cook it only until it reaches the required safe temperature. THIS IS THE ONLY CRITERIA FOR A DONE TURKEY. Your grandma's rule about minutes per pound is total BS.

That's it. You can mess around with any number of other tips and tricks to make it your own, but nothing else is as important.

If you deep fry it, won't the bottle break?

Eddie Adams from Torrance

Bwahahahahahahaha! I forgot about that. I had to watch it again.

Ponzholio: But it's still OK if I'm gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes...

It's compulsory. Creamed potatoes FTW

You! Yes, you! Get your dick OUT of the turkey!

As Alton Brown has pointed out, those overly large turkeys are largely devoid of taste and moisture. Stick with the smaller birds, and buy multiple turkeys if you know you need more. Your guests will thank you.

/now I'm off to go mug people for pumpkin pie filling
//seriously, ever store in town seems to be out

TickleMyElmo: You only need to do two things:
1 - Brine it.
2 - Use a digital thermometer with a probe wire to check that you cook it only until it reaches the required safe temperature. THIS IS THE ONLY CRITERIA FOR A DONE TURKEY. Your grandma's rule about minutes per pound is total BS.

That's it. You can mess around with any number of other tips and tricks to make it your own, but nothing else is as important.

I'm excited. I'm going to boil up some Alton Brown brine tonight to let it cool down enough to brine the bird tomorrow. I'm such a food nerd.

/came for Mr. Bean, leaving satisfied thanks to Mad Scientist

God, I'm sorry, I love my country." - Joe Bethersonton, Fargo, North Dakota, 50504 [sic]

jesusrock7: /came for Mr. Bean, leaving satisfied thanks to Mad Scientist

this! Mr. Bean had the best thanksgiving skit.


doh, lost the watch, let me stick my head in there to find it.

Tachikoma:
/now I'm off to go mug people for pumpkin pie filling
//seriously, ever store in town seems to be out

Where are you from? This may sound strange, but check the pharmacy stores too, like Walgreens. They carry it this time of year in the grocery section. If it's not on the shelf, have them check around to other stores in your area on their computers.

Butterflew: jesusrock7: /came for Mr. Bean, leaving satisfied thanks to Mad Scientist

this! Mr. Bean had the best thanksgiving skit.

doh, lost the watch, let me stick my head in there to find it.

Technically it was a Christmas turkey, since they don't celebrate Thanksgiving in the UK. But yes, best turkey skit I've ever seen. Gotta dig out my Mr Bean collection dvds this holiday season.

jesusrock7: Tachikoma:
/now I'm off to go mug people for pumpkin pie filling
//seriously, ever store in town seems to be out

Where are you from? This may sound strange, but check the pharmacy stores too, like Walgreens. They carry it this time of year in the grocery section. If it's not on the shelf, have them check around to other stores in your area on their computers.

I'm out in WY, we have a KMart, a Safeway, an Albertson's, and a WalMart. They're all out, but they're supposed to get another shipment in before Thursday.

/and then they tried to sell me Pumpkin Spice pudding mix
//very much not the same thing

Hey bob this is Ash, I got four hot chicks here in the jacuzzi, come over and bring lots of beer.



Try this on one of your friends sometime :)

Tachikoma: I'm out in WY, we have a KMart, a Safeway, an Albertson's, and a WalMart. They're all out, but they're supposed to get another shipment in before Thursday.

/and then they tried to sell me Pumpkin Spice pudding mix
//very much not the same thing

Oh. Sorry. Wish I could mail you some! Happy T-Day.

Starryeyes: The most important thing that many men forget to do is preheating the oven before trying to stick the turkey in.

Yeah, if you find a guy that can preheat your oven you might want to hang on to him.

Taking a bath with your turkey is just nasty who thunk that one up??

I prefer to bathe with my BACON!!111eleventy

As God as my witness, I thought the turkey would dry.

IndyMBA: Starryeyes: The most important thing that many men forget to do is preheating the oven before trying to stick the turkey in.

You're speaking euphemistically, right? I'll just pretend that's what you were doing, regardless. ;)

OK, OK, a little foreplay now and then, gotcha....

Starryeyes: The most important thing that many men forget to do is preheating the oven before trying to stick the turkey in.

--checks profile--

How's your oven doing? Be happy to warm it up for ya...

jesusrock7
Tachikoma: I'm out in WY, we have a KMart, a Safeway, an Albertson's, and a WalMart. They're all out, but they're supposed to get another shipment in before Thursday.

/and then they tried to sell me Pumpkin Spice pudding mix
//very much not the same thing
Oh. Sorry. Wish I could mail you some! Happy T-Day.

I saw on the news somewhere last week - maybe Consumerist? - that there would be a shortage of pumpkin pie filling this year, thanks to poor pumpkin harvests in 2008 and 2009. Given that I had four pumpkin cheesecakes to make, I rushed to Acme and found plenty of cans of pumpkin, but they may have run out by now.

Tachikoma: jesusrock7: Tachikoma:
/now I'm off to go mug people for pumpkin pie filling
//seriously, ever store in town seems to be out

Where are you from? This may sound strange, but check the pharmacy stores too, like Walgreens. They carry it this time of year in the grocery section. If it's not on the shelf, have them check around to other stores in your area on their computers.

I'm out in WY, we have a KMart, a Safeway, an Albertson's, and a WalMart. They're all out, but they're supposed to get another shipment in before Thursday.

/and then they tried to sell me Pumpkin Spice pudding mix
//very much not the same thing

make it yourself from canned pumpkin. its basically just pumpkin, milk/cream, sugar and spices.

I remember reading one time some woman wanted to know if she could defrost it in her toilet.

My tip is to never leave a turkey around defrosting when you have an asshole cat that will tear the plastic wrapping open and eat a chunk of the raw breast meat.

Mr. Les Nessman, paging Mr. Nessman.