My house was burglarized yesterday, so I'm really getting a kick out of this thread.

hej: My house was burglarized yesterday, so I'm really getting a kick out of this thread.

Thanks for the kiljoy!

For the love of god, somebody post half a dozen pics of the UPS girl.

/waiting in my bunk.

Gee this problem seems easily solved if the UPS guy stops to get a signature from someone in the home, LIKE HE'S SUPPOSED TO.

Well, I won't be waiting in line on Black Friday. Never have, never will.

mrEdude: Gee this problem seems easily solved if the UPS guy stops to get a signature from someone in the home, LIKE HE'S SUPPOSED TO.

If you don't sign, they'll have to send you another one.

My UPS guy doesn't come around until the early evening, so I'll be home well before then.

The way you solve the problem of someone stealing your packages is an awful lot like the way you stop the office lunch thief. Fo the lunch thief it's a chocolate cake made with 4 lbs. of Exlax. For the package thief it's a box full of killer bees.

Brown Sauce delivers the goods! Well done sir.

Holiday fun: Take crap or several in a box. Wrap said box for the gift giving season. Use a nice bow. Drive to mall. Leave said present in back seat. Leave car unlocked. Watch from a distance and wait for the fun.

Just buy 100 frozen shaved mice online. They won't be stealing your packages again after stealing that one.

Inflatable Rhetoric: mrEdude: Gee this problem seems easily solved if the UPS guy stops to get a signature from someone in the home, LIKE HE'S SUPPOSED TO.

If you don't sign, they'll have to send you another one.

And, the UPS girl has to ring your bell again.

And this is why I have stuff shipped to my office. It's a small office, I'm near the front door, and since someone has to sign for deliveries, it would be easy to track down a thief since most of the people I work with would be stupid enough to sign their own names.

Sin_City_Superhero: The way you solve the problem of someone stealing your packages is an awful lot like the way you stop the office lunch thief. Fo the lunch thief it's a chocolate cake made with 4 lbs. of Exlax. For the package thief it's a box full of killer bees.

Well played. I'll remember these suggestions.
In the meantime, my happy arse will be planted on my couch while the droves of deal-hungry housewives grumble through lines like purchase-zombies in snowman sweaters.

Sin_City_Superhero: The way you solve the problem of someone stealing your packages is an awful lot like the way you stop the office lunch thief. Fo the lunch thief it's a chocolate cake made with 4 lbs. of Exlax. For the package thief it's a box full of killer bees.

How do get the killer bees in the box?

Not all packages require a signature. I work of a delivery company and we are allowed to leave packages on the front steps, back steps, near the garage or wherever we feel is "safe".

The best way to do things is to require a signature for delivery. You can track your packages online and know what day they are due to arrive. Just do yourself and the delivery driver a favor and be home to sign.

Also don't comment on how bad your signature looks on our scanner. We know it looks terrible. We hear that at every single stop we make.

This is my first year bike-commuting, so I haven't yet had the pleasure of fighting traffic filled with Black Friday psychos.

Part of me wants to take a nice long ride Friday to burn off some post-Thanksgiving calories. Part of me (the survival instinct, I guess) doesn't want to have to wind up a bleeding smear on the pavement thanks to the kind of people who'd willingly trample another living human to buy their children's or spouse's love with a deeply-discounted gadget.

/cool story bro
//maybe I'll start stealing packages

I got a package for her alright

mrEdude: Gee this problem seems easily solved if the UPS guy stops to get a signature from someone in the home, LIKE HE'S SUPPOSED TO.

I'm not sure about other carriers, but UPS only requires signatures under certain circumstances. Anytime it is delivered to a business, anytime it is delivered to a multi-unit dwelling with a common entrance (apartment building), when the signature required option is purchased, or when prohibited to minors items are delivered (alcohol, firearms, etc).

If you have a single family home and just get the normal ground shipping, it will be left on your porch.

And it's not because the drivers are trying to be dicks. They are timed on every single thing they do. Timed on how long it takes for you to get to the door, how long you take to deliver the actual package when there, how long it takes them to buckle their seatbelts and start the engine. It's a huge time crunch and every second needs to be saved.

If they had to get a signature on every single package delivered, they would never get their routes done. Want to make sure your package is delivered to you with a signature? Pony up for the extra shipping costs.

I just give the mailman the keys to my house. He's a Chinese immigrant, so he's fairly honest. It works out as long as I buy him chocolate & cookies. It's not all that unlike Santa Claus.

/Not satire.
//He's probably secretly a war criminal.

Sin_City_Superhero: The way you solve the problem of someone stealing your packages is an awful lot like the way you stop the office lunch thief. Fo the lunch thief it's a chocolate cake made with 4 lbs. of Exlax. For the package thief it's a box full of killer bees.

Can you feed the bees exlax?

Actually, I was just going to save all the middlemen and suggest a box of dookie. With a bomb in it to disperse said dookie over the thief. And a lo-jack for the cops to find.

dionada: This is my first year bike-commuting, so I haven't yet had the pleasure of fighting traffic filled with Black Friday psychos.

Part of me wants to take a nice long ride Friday to burn off some post-Thanksgiving calories. Part of me (the survival instinct, I guess) doesn't want to have to wind up a bleeding smear on the pavement thanks to the kind of people who'd willingly trample another living human to buy their children's or spouse's love with a deeply-discounted gadget.

Don't you have an off-road trail that you can use to bypass 90% of the traffic with? I plan on biking along the railroad tracks into work on Friday.

Inflatable Rhetoric: How do get the killer bees in the box?

You don't. You just order them online from these fine folks. (new window)

Bacontastesgood: dookie

Now there's a word I hadn't heard in a while.

/and an album I haven't listened to in a while

Inflatable Rhetoric:
How do get the killer bees in the box?

A fresh baby covered in their honey. Duh.

Brown Sauce: Christmas shopping made easy!

I know what she can do for me.

vort3xxx: Don't you have an off-road trail that you can use to bypass 90% of the traffic with? I plan on biking along the railroad tracks into work on Friday.

That's a good idea, actually. I didn't think of it because my commute is entirely by road.

Inflatable Rhetoric: Sin_City_Superhero: The way you solve the problem of someone stealing your packages is an awful lot like the way you stop the office lunch thief. Fo the lunch thief it's a chocolate cake made with 4 lbs. of Exlax. For the package thief it's a box full of killer bees.

How do get the killer bees in the box?

So instead of centipedes in her box, she has to worry about bees in her box?

"One time I bought an iPod for my wife. I had it delivered," says Virginia shopper Eric Martin.

Now that's high quality reporting.

Isn't this an annual holiday story?

Sin_City_Superhero: Inflatable Rhetoric: How do get the killer bees in the box?

You don't. You just order them online from these fine folks. (new window)

Thx, I would use that, but someone might steal the package off my porch.

stuhayes2010: Isn't this an annual holiday story?

Right there with "gift cards are bad, m'kay" and "why are so many resolutions broken so quickly."

angst178n:
The best way to do things is to require a signature for delivery. You can track your packages online and know what day they are due to arrive. Just do yourself and the delivery driver a favor and be home to sign.

I've already rearranged my schedule to do just that and still had the driver say "fark it" and not deliver the package. I even had one driver input into the tracking system that no one was home for delivery, yet I was waiting on the front porch for him. I won't say who it was, but the company name rhymes with "do pee mess."

StarshipPooper: Inflatable Rhetoric: Sin_City_Superhero: The way you solve the problem of someone stealing your packages is an awful lot like the way you stop the office lunch thief. Fo the lunch thief it's a chocolate cake made with 4 lbs. of Exlax. For the package thief it's a box full of killer bees.

How do get the killer bees in the box?

So instead of centipedes in her box, she has to worry about bees in her box?

The box made of bees that barks and bees come out of the box?

Or even better: putting bees in boxxy's box in a box!!!! Genius!

Sin_City_Superhero: The way you solve the problem of someone stealing your packages is an awful lot like the way you stop the office lunch thief. Fo the lunch thief it's a chocolate cake made with 4 lbs. of Exlax. For the package thief it's a box full of killer bees.

If I was the thief in this situation, I'd come back and dump the poo on the hood of your car, or put the box of bees in your ventilation system. I'd find a way.

This story again? Same time, every year like the salmon returning to Capistrano.

At least we get to see Sugartits in her UPS outfit.

Brown Jar trick:

get large brown colored (or opaque) glass jar.
fill with cleveland steamer.
box and wrap jar.
leave on front porch.
laugh at moran who steals it.

aumis02: hej: My house was burglarized yesterday, so I'm really getting a kick out of this thread.

Thanks for the kiljoy!

Sorry.

author1701: And this is why I have stuff shipped to my office. It's a small office, I'm near the front door, and since someone has to sign for deliveries, it would be easy to track down a thief since most of the people I work with would be stupid enough to sign their own names.

The one time I had a package "lost" in transit, was when I had it sent to my office. The FedEx folks only require a signature for entire shipments, not individual items. I believe UPS is the same way. To make a long story short, FedEx said my package was delivered, the office services said they didn't have it and probably never received it, and nobody was actually responsible for it.

MightyPez: mrEdude: Gee this problem seems easily solved if the UPS guy stops to get a signature from someone in the home, LIKE HE'S SUPPOSED TO.

I'm not sure about other carriers, but UPS only requires signatures under certain circumstances. Anytime it is delivered to a business, anytime it is delivered to a multi-unit dwelling with a common entrance (apartment building), when the signature required option is purchased, or when prohibited to minors items are delivered (alcohol, firearms, etc).

If you have a single family home and just get the normal ground shipping, it will be left on your porch.

And it's not because the drivers are trying to be dicks. They are timed on every single thing they do. Timed on how long it takes for you to get to the door, how long you take to deliver the actual package when there, how long it takes them to buckle their seatbelts and start the engine. It's a huge time crunch and every second needs to be saved.

If they had to get a signature on every single package delivered, they would never get their routes done. Want to make sure your package is delivered to you with a signature? Pony up for the extra shipping costs.

I used to live in a multi-unit dwelling and they never got signatures. One time they delivered it to the WRONG BUILDING and it was just the fact that I checked the delivery log that allowed me to find it. I agree it's a hard road for UPS drivers, what with having to drive a truck and read and getting paid 25 bucks an hour.

My cousin is/was a car thief, and he'd patrol the parking lots of malls during the holiday season. Anytime someone dropped items off in their and then went back in to do more shopping he'd nab their car. It had nothing to do with the car itself, and everything to do with the hundreds of dollars of free shiat in the car.

So yeah. If you're going to store presents in your car while shopping, make sure you move your car and make it look like you're actually leaving.

This is awesome, I come to Fark for all my holiday shopping needs.

Inflatable Rhetoric: Sin_City_Superhero: The way you solve the problem of someone stealing your packages is an awful lot like the way you stop the office lunch thief. Fo the lunch thief it's a chocolate cake made with 4 lbs. of Exlax. For the package thief it's a box full of killer bees.

How do get the killer bees in the box?

Take a two liter bottle of soda. An empty bottle. Put several drops of molasses in the bottom of the bottle. Place a string around its neck and leave tied to a tree in an area prone to killer bee infestations.

Bees can easily fly in, but have difficulty maneuvering out of the bottle. So, once you have bees in the bottle, put the cap on and put it in the refrigerator until bees are in a state of suspended animation. Now you merely cut open the bottle (Wear gloves! Sharp blades are dangerous!) and, using chopsticks, pick up the sleeping bees and put them in the box. Add a few drops of molasses in the corner of the box so the bees are nourished on their journey.

/this information for entertainment purposes only
//not responsible for any damages to bees or humans

I've had a package dropped off and stolen before. Only the Fed Ex temp worker (according to them) reported leaving it with a "neighbor".

Signature was requested, so I guess that means nothing. UPS or USPS from now on for all my packages.

Asteroth: I used to live in a multi-unit dwelling and they never got signatures. One time they delivered it to the WRONG BUILDING and it was just the fact that I checked the delivery log that allowed me to find it.

Was it an apartment building? The key is "common entrance." For example, most apartment buildings have an open lobby area witha door buzzer. The driver can't leave a package there. So either they will need to call the receiver on the intercom or leave it with the office. Either way, a signature is required. UPS drivers use an electronic delivery system called DIAD that, in fact, will not allow a driver to release a package unless a signature has been collected if it is required.

I agree it's a hard road for UPS drivers, what with having to drive a truck and read and getting paid 25 bucks an hour.

You know during the holidays they allow people from outside the company to work as driver helpers to help with the high volume of packages. Feel free to sign up and see how easy it is.

Candygram4Mongo: Inflatable Rhetoric: Sin_City_Superhero: The way you solve the problem of someone stealing your packages is an awful lot like the way you stop the office lunch thief. Fo the lunch thief it's a chocolate cake made with 4 lbs. of Exlax. For the package thief it's a box full of killer bees.

How do get the killer bees in the box?

Take a two liter bottle of soda. An empty bottle. Put several drops of molasses in the bottom of the bottle. Place a string around its neck and leave tied to a tree in an area prone to killer bee infestations.

Bees can easily fly in, but have difficulty maneuvering out of the bottle. So, once you have bees in the bottle, put the cap on and put it in the refrigerator until bees are in a state of suspended animation. Now you merely cut open the bottle (Wear gloves! Sharp blades are dangerous!) and, using chopsticks, pick up the sleeping bees and put them in the box. Add a few drops of molasses in the corner of the box so the bees are nourished on their journey.

/this information for entertainment purposes only
//not responsible for any damages to bees or humans

Jeez, I have to use chopsticks.

luckily I'm too broke to buy things.

mrEdude: Gee this problem seems easily solved if the UPS guy stops to get a signature from someone in the home, LIKE HE'S SUPPOSED TO.

My brother-in-law used to work for UPS and he always said that signatures depend on the area. If you live in a place where there aren't a lot of package thefts, the driver doesn't have to get a signature. This goes for FedEx & DHL, as well. I haven't had to sign for a package at my house here or when I lived in Easton, PA.

MightyPez:
Was it an apartment building? The key is "common entrance." For example, most apartment buildings have an open lobby area witha door buzzer. The driver can't leave a package there. So either they will need to call the receiver on the intercom or leave it with the office. Either way, a signature is required. UPS drivers use an electronic delivery system called DIAD that, in fact, will not allow a driver to release a package unless a signature has been collected if it is required.

Yes, a common lobby with 4 doors off it. This was two years back, maybe they hadn't implemented the system yet? When I spoke to dispatch they informed me signature was driver's discretion.


You know during the holidays they allow people from outside the company to work as driver helpers to help with the high volume of packages. Feel free to sign up and see how easy it is.

My job pays more than that. On the other hand, I had to go to college.
/Plus I'm lazy and don't want to lift things.