(I Heart Chaos) Just so that we can never speak of this again, here's your guide to all the dumbass toy and board game movies coming out in the next couple years
A "Ouiji" board movie makes sense, easy horror movie potential, actually I'm sure there have been more than a few past horror movies that tied in a Ouigi board.. this one will just be called "Ouiji", and the board will have slightly more to do with the plot.
I never played or got into MTG, but, it is almost surprising a movie HASN'T been made from it yet, considering all the other fantasy movies that have come out based on other games.
The other ones are really just stretching to make a storyline out of a board game.
SFX: Heavy footfalls, shaking the entire theater SFX: Hideous crunching sounds.
Fade up from Black onto: TV LIVE SHOT. A REPORTER is in the foreground, with an utterly devastated Times Square behind him. Bodies are strewn about, and huge swaths of the buildings are torn to shreds.
REPORTER ...government officials can't tell us what caused this dramatic change in behavior (he pauses, his eyes going wide) Oh my God...
SFX: Heavy footballs
The camera begins shaking and is suddenly knocked aside, laying on the pavement. We can't see what is happening, but we hear hideous screams before the camera cuts out.
CUT TO: Interior, basement of a suburban home. The power is off and a swinging camping lantern offers the only light, casting a family in moving shadows. A MOTHER holds a LITTLE GIRL in her arms -- more for her own comfort than the child's.
MOTHER (nearly hysterical) Why...why won't they go away?
CUT TO: Interior, military base. A GENERAL and a WHITE HOUSE AIDE look at scenes of destruction on monitors. The GENERAL is pale. The AIDE is furious
AIDE You told me you could stop these things! What the hell happened?
GENERAL Everything we've thrown at them they've shrugged off. Every soldier who faced them was...(he trails off, horrified). I...I don't think we're going to be able to stop them.
CUT TO: Black screen. Fade in graphics by line They've waited long enough for dinner to be served
CUT TO: Interior, basement. The lantern has stopped swinging, and it is eerily quiet. Close-up on the LITTLE GIRL
LITTLE GIRL Maybe...maybe they're finally full?
Massive crashing sounds and screams as the lantern goes black along with the screen
Simpsons Robot Chicken did it. Amazing how prescient they were.
Dammit!!! I missed that one. Great, now I'm going to get sued by Seth Green again -- and this time I don't have the "you can't PROVE that's my semen" defense.
Monopoly: grade-A stupid, if it really has anything to do with the board game.
Clue: It's already been done, you idiots! And the old movie was about as good as it's ever going to get! Just leave it alone!
Battleship: If I can see 400-feet-tall CGI red pegs sticking out the top of an air-craft carrier, then this movie might be worth renting.
Ouija Board: This is the only one is a somewhat good idea, but I have my doubts that it would be worth shelling out the money to see it in a theater.
Stretch Armstrong: This will be as good of a movie as Garfield the Cat.
ViewMaster: Just farking kill me now. This has GOT to be a sign of the apocalypse.
Risk: Stupid and boring. But I look forward to the great Battle of Kamchatka and the giant roman numerals fighting it out with each other.
Candy Land: Kids under the age of 3 might like this movie. Kids under the age of 3 shouldn't be going to movies, though. Don't you get ENOUGH visual stimulation through the TV's your parents put you in front of 10 hours a day?
Magic: The Gathering: I've never liked the card game, and I am sure I won't like the lame storyline that they create around it.
Lando Lincoln:Risk: Stupid and boring. But I look forward to the great Battle of Kamchatka and the giant roman numerals fighting it out with each other.
This could actually be interesting. The climax of the movie could be the Battle of Eastern Canada between the Pan-African League and Australio-Russian Empire.
A better way to do this, however, would be to make Civilization II: The Movie. And, uh, *ahem*...I just happen to have a couple of scripts, y'know, just in case.
Lando Lincoln:Monopoly: grade-A stupid, if it really has anything to do with the board game.
Clue: It's already been done, you idiots! And the old movie was about as good as it's ever going to getjust a red herring! Just leave it alone!
Battleship: If I can see 400-feet-tall CGI red pegs sticking out the top of an air-craft carrier, then this movie might be worth renting.
Ouija Board: This is the only one is a somewhat good idea, but I have my doubts that it would be worth shelling out the money to see it in a theater.
Stretch Armstrong: This will be as good of a movie as Garfield the Cat.
ViewMaster: Just farking kill me now. This has GOT to be a sign of the apocalypse.
Risk: Stupid and boring. But I look forward to the great Battle of Kamchatka and the giant roman numerals fighting it out with each other.
Candy Land: Kids under the age of 3 might like this movie. Kids under the age of 3 shouldn't be going to movies, though. Don't you get ENOUGH visual stimulation through the TV's your parents put you in front of 10 hours a day?
Magic: The Gathering: I've never liked the card game, and I am sure I won't like the lame storyline that they create around it.
Lando Lincoln:Battleship: If I can see 400-feet-tall CGI red pegs sticking out the top of an air-craft carrier, then this movie might be worth renting.
I was thinking if they did that as part of a sequel to Colossus: The Forbin Project that that might be interesting. However, as I am sure only a dozen people will get that reference, I suspect this movie would be the box office flop of all flops.
Electric_Banana:Oujia board was already made into a movie. Witchboard.
And when was it unfashionable in Hollywood to remake 20 year old movies and TV shows?
As far as some of the other ones that sound like craziness on the surface....
Candy Land could go in two directions..... one being very much for the preschool set that everyone else is envisioning. The other being more of a "Willy Wonka/Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" mashup where there is a bit more panic and drama about getting through the "candy forest". Nothing says a Candy Land movie has to be for 4 year old's.
I'm really trying to stretch with Viewmaster. If they decided to not make all these movies as "kid" movies, I could maybe see a "Viewmaster" movie where somehow a viewmaster reel, instead of pictures of National Monuments or Dora the Explorer, gets someones murder scene photos, and some sort of story around that. Or maybe some sort of "possessed" Viewmaster that predicts the future, and shows people going to their deaths. Kind of a creepier "Early Edition".
Can't one of those forest fires over there bless us with a good Hollywood burn? Sadly, they are moving a lot of operations to the Boston area so I will never be safe :(
dletter:A "Ouiji" board movie makes sense, easy horror movie potential, actually I'm sure there have been more than a few past horror movies that tied in a Ouigi board.. this one will just be called "Ouiji", and the board will have slightly more to do with the plot.
It was called Paranormal Activity, and it made a bazillion dollars.
I'd see a M:TG movie if it were based off of the Time Spiral books... I like those... I'd love to see how the handle they Slivers and Nico Bolas... Or maybe the books from the Kamigawa block... Talking rats & fox-people mixed with Japanese motifs... Otherwise there are tons of other stories they have already written and published - just gotta pick em up and convert them for the screen. They've got a pretty built-in audience, but then again the same thing could have been said about D&D (snerk)
That aside, it looks like Hollywood is gone beyond scraping the bottom of the barrel, and have started to scrape down the sides and the lid... They've gone through TV pretty well, movie remakes & reboots are still a pretty big thing but they are fading, toy & video game properties have been exploited pretty well... And now we have board games and what-not...
I think what's going to be next is licensed advertising characters... By 2013 (assuming the giant space monsters haven't eaten us by then) we'll have a film featuring Count Chocula, Franken Berry & Boo Berry (with a cameo by Yummy Mummy & Fruit Brute) done in the style of "Monster Squad"... Or we'll have a "Crank"-esque action movie featuring the Cocoa Puffs bird...
Or maybe Crackle & Pop have to avenge the death of their beloved brother, taking out corrupt law enforcement, mob hitmen and other assorted thugs along the way, sort of in the style of a typical martial art revenge movie... We can call it... "Snap Judgement"
DoughyGuy:Or maybe Crackle & Pop have to avenge the death of their beloved brother, taking out corrupt law enforcement, mob hitmen and other assorted thugs along the way, sort of in the style of a typical martial art revenge movie... We can call it... "Snap Judgement"
Saborlas
2009-11-05 10:58:20 AM
dletter
2009-11-05 11:14:06 AM
I never played or got into MTG, but, it is almost surprising a movie HASN'T been made from it yet, considering all the other fantasy movies that have come out based on other games.
The other ones are really just stretching to make a storyline out of a board game.
Mr. Coffee Nerves
2009-11-05 11:23:24 AM
SFX: Hideous crunching sounds.
Fade up from Black onto:
TV LIVE SHOT. A REPORTER is in the foreground, with an utterly devastated Times Square behind him. Bodies are strewn about, and huge swaths of the buildings are torn to shreds.
REPORTER
...government officials can't tell us what caused this dramatic change in behavior (he pauses, his eyes going wide) Oh my God...
SFX: Heavy footballs
The camera begins shaking and is suddenly knocked aside, laying on the pavement. We can't see what is happening, but we hear hideous screams before the camera cuts out.
CUT TO:
Interior, basement of a suburban home. The power is off and a swinging camping lantern offers the only light, casting a family in moving shadows. A MOTHER holds a LITTLE GIRL in her arms -- more for her own comfort than the child's.
MOTHER (nearly hysterical)
Why...why won't they go away?
CUT TO:
Interior, military base. A GENERAL and a WHITE HOUSE AIDE look at scenes of destruction on monitors. The GENERAL is pale. The AIDE is furious
AIDE
You told me you could stop these things! What the hell happened?
GENERAL
Everything we've thrown at them they've shrugged off. Every soldier who faced them was...(he trails off, horrified). I...I don't think we're going to be able to stop them.
CUT TO:
Black screen. Fade in graphics by line
They've waited long enough for dinner to be served
CUT TO:
Interior, basement. The lantern has stopped swinging, and it is eerily quiet. Close-up on the LITTLE GIRL
LITTLE GIRL
Maybe...maybe they're finally full?
Massive crashing sounds and screams as the lantern goes black along with the screen
CUT TO: Black screen with graphics, line-by-line
HUNGRY, HUNGRY HIPPOS
CUT TO: Black screen
SUMMER 2014
IT'S FEEDING TIME
Fade to black
ragekage
2009-11-05 11:25:54 AM
CUT TO: Black screen
SUMMER 2014
IT'S FEEDING TIME
Fade to black
SimpsonsRobot Chicken did it. Amazing how prescient they were.itazurakko
2009-11-05 11:56:39 AM
IT'S FEEDING TIME
Oh man. Someone at least needs to make that TRAILER. That was great!
Mr. Coffee Nerves
2009-11-05 12:06:39 PM
CUT TO: Black screen
SUMMER 2014
IT'S FEEDING TIME
Fade to black
Simpsons Robot Chicken did it. Amazing how prescient they were.
Dammit!!! I missed that one. Great, now I'm going to get sued by Seth Green again -- and this time I don't have the "you can't PROVE that's my semen" defense.
Lando Lincoln
2009-11-05 12:18:23 PM
Clue: It's already been done, you idiots! And the old movie was about as good as it's ever going to get! Just leave it alone!
Battleship: If I can see 400-feet-tall CGI red pegs sticking out the top of an air-craft carrier, then this movie might be worth renting.
Ouija Board: This is the only one is a somewhat good idea, but I have my doubts that it would be worth shelling out the money to see it in a theater.
Stretch Armstrong: This will be as good of a movie as Garfield the Cat.
ViewMaster: Just farking kill me now. This has GOT to be a sign of the apocalypse.
Risk: Stupid and boring. But I look forward to the great Battle of Kamchatka and the giant roman numerals fighting it out with each other.
Candy Land: Kids under the age of 3 might like this movie. Kids under the age of 3 shouldn't be going to movies, though. Don't you get ENOUGH visual stimulation through the TV's your parents put you in front of 10 hours a day?
Magic: The Gathering: I've never liked the card game, and I am sure I won't like the lame storyline that they create around it.
Cagey B
2009-11-05 12:42:32 PM
This could actually be interesting. The climax of the movie could be the Battle of Eastern Canada between the Pan-African League and Australio-Russian Empire.
A better way to do this, however, would be to make Civilization II: The Movie. And, uh, *ahem*...I just happen to have a couple of scripts, y'know, just in case.
emocomputerjock
2009-11-05 01:31:41 PM
Clue: It's already been done, you idiots! And the old movie was
about as good as it's ever going to getjust a red herring! Just leave it alone!Battleship: If I can see 400-feet-tall CGI red pegs sticking out the top of an air-craft carrier, then this movie might be worth renting.
Ouija Board: This is the only one is a somewhat good idea, but I have my doubts that it would be worth shelling out the money to see it in a theater.
Stretch Armstrong: This will be as good of a movie as Garfield the Cat.
ViewMaster: Just farking kill me now. This has GOT to be a sign of the apocalypse.
Risk: Stupid and boring. But I look forward to the great Battle of Kamchatka and the giant roman numerals fighting it out with each other.
Candy Land: Kids under the age of 3 might like this movie. Kids under the age of 3 shouldn't be going to movies, though. Don't you get ENOUGH visual stimulation through the TV's your parents put you in front of 10 hours a day?
Magic: The Gathering: I've never liked the card game, and I am sure I won't like the lame storyline that they create around it.
FTFY
Electric_Banana
2009-11-05 01:33:25 PM
Ashtrey
2009-11-05 01:37:11 PM
I thought it was The Exorcist.
Bag-o-Nugs
2009-11-05 01:37:47 PM
...and that's all it was.
Booyaxe
2009-11-05 01:37:55 PM
Battleship: If I can see 400-feet-tall CGI red pegs sticking out the top of an air-craft carrier, then this movie might be worth renting.
Hahahahaha! Either that or everyone in each fleet is blind, so they randomly fire at certain spots
IdBeCrazyIf
2009-11-05 01:39:36 PM
Wizards of the Coast actually has an impressive back story and source material for the game, enough so that a decent movie could be had out of it.
The chances of that happening of course are zero... but hey the material is there.
Clarence Potter
2009-11-05 01:40:37 PM
I was thinking if they did that as part of a sequel to Colossus: The Forbin Project that that might be interesting. However, as I am sure only a dozen people will get that reference, I suspect this movie would be the box office flop of all flops.
dletter
2009-11-05 01:43:33 PM
And when was it unfashionable in Hollywood to remake 20 year old movies and TV shows?
As far as some of the other ones that sound like craziness on the surface....
Candy Land could go in two directions..... one being very much for the preschool set that everyone else is envisioning. The other being more of a "Willy Wonka/Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" mashup where there is a bit more panic and drama about getting through the "candy forest". Nothing says a Candy Land movie has to be for 4 year old's.
I'm really trying to stretch with Viewmaster. If they decided to not make all these movies as "kid" movies, I could maybe see a "Viewmaster" movie where somehow a viewmaster reel, instead of pictures of National Monuments or Dora the Explorer, gets someones murder scene photos, and some sort of story around that. Or maybe some sort of "possessed" Viewmaster that predicts the future, and shows people going to their deaths. Kind of a creepier "Early Edition".
RowdyPants
2009-11-05 01:48:47 PM
fschloss1
2009-11-05 02:00:30 PM
phyrkrakr
2009-11-05 02:04:09 PM
After what happened with Connects 1, 2, and 3, I'd imagine straight to video.
Jim Morrison's Corpse
2009-11-05 02:06:54 PM
It was called Paranormal Activity, and it made a bazillion dollars.
DoughyGuy
2009-11-05 02:12:48 PM
That aside, it looks like Hollywood is gone beyond scraping the bottom of the barrel, and have started to scrape down the sides and the lid... They've gone through TV pretty well, movie remakes & reboots are still a pretty big thing but they are fading, toy & video game properties have been exploited pretty well... And now we have board games and what-not...
I think what's going to be next is licensed advertising characters... By 2013 (assuming the giant space monsters haven't eaten us by then) we'll have a film featuring Count Chocula, Franken Berry & Boo Berry (with a cameo by Yummy Mummy & Fruit Brute) done in the style of "Monster Squad"... Or we'll have a "Crank"-esque action movie featuring the Cocoa Puffs bird...
Or maybe Crackle & Pop have to avenge the death of their beloved brother, taking out corrupt law enforcement, mob hitmen and other assorted thugs along the way, sort of in the style of a typical martial art revenge movie... We can call it... "Snap Judgement"
/This is fun...
IdBeCrazyIf
2009-11-05 02:17:28 PM
Only if we can secure Adam Sandler
Bermuda59
2009-11-05 02:34:30 PM
Aliquis
2009-11-05 02:36:21 PM
hmmm...so how are they going to convey all that tapping of the mana?
wyrlss
2009-11-05 02:37:18 PM
Someone hasn't seen Black Jack (new window).