When an escalator breaks, it becomes stairs. When a little kid's shoelace (saggy pants, finger, etc) gets caught in one, OM NOM NOM NOM.

+1 for the Mitch Hedberg reference, subby.

I don't believe it, that kid is BACK ON THE ESCALATOR!

I once saw a little girl playing around on an escalator. She had beautiful long blonde hair. I say "had" because her hair got pulled into the escalator, and she had to have her hair cut pretty much off to free her. I thought it was funny, but I am kinda cruel that way.

//they borrowed my scissors to do it.

Hender: I don't believe it, that kid is BACK ON THE ESCALATOR!

Well, I see we've covered our bases. I'll be leaving now.

well, i guess that taught the 4-year-old about the dangers of wearing crocs

Sorry for the convenience

No Jim Gaffigan references?

You're slipping fark.

AntonSzandorLaVey: Sorry for the convenience

To this day, I think this may be the best-delivered joke Mitch Hedberg ever did.

Kid in question

SpeshilEdjukashin: When an escalator breaks, it becomes stairs.

Not so. When a chain breaks, it falls off its gears. Escalator breaks = stairs disappear, all fall down.

('Halt' is different)

HELL YES!

I am so happy I get to use this!

My friend and I made this at work when the escalator broke. Her idea. Shes a huge Hedberg fan.




/no I didnt bone her. She was hot and in a serious relationship though

//wanted to

RIP, Mitch.

We've covered Mitch Hedberg and Mallrats in 4 posts....it's done...next thread.


Thanks for making me laugh in my 2 am, 6 hour wait at Jack in the box drive-thru.


Learn to respect the escalator.

gOD forbid his foreskin gets stuck.

If only some parent, I don't care which one, but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator.

I'll wait patiently for the family of the little snowflake to file a lawsuit and blame former President Bush for the faulty equipment....

There's not a year goes by that I don't read about an escalator accident involving some bastard kid that could've been easily avoided had some parent, I don't care which one, but some parent, conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator!

we also forgot Dmitri, I believe:

"I once tripped on an up escalator and fell downstairs for an hour and a half"

This isn't funny! I once slipped on an escalator and fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

skinink: Ha ha ha ha. You dumb bastards. It's not a schooner... it's a Sailboat.

Hmmm. I see sand crabs.

Danger Avoid Death: This isn't funny! I once slipped on an escalator and fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

My first simulpost!

Was it good for you?

PartTimeBuddha: SpeshilEdjukashin: When an escalator breaks, it becomes stairs.

Not so. When a chain breaks, it falls off its gears. Escalator breaks = stairs disappear, all fall down.

('Halt' is different)

So much this.

buk110: I'll wait patiently for the family of the little snowflake to file a lawsuit and blame former President Bush for the faulty equipment....

You are waiting for that? Have fun.

Darwinism . .. ...
I see dumn kids all the time trying to mutilate themselves on Escalades.

I only clicked on this comment thread 'cause I misread "kids" as "kittens"

I hope his shoelace gets caught and a bloodbath ensues!

Don't get me wrong, I don't wish the kid harm, but his mother should suffer that horrific ordeal so she'll learn how to manage her child.

proof that america's kids are always lowering the bar. And the F'd up parents are doing a bang up job of speeding up the process.


Either the kid is a total retard and deserved it, or his/her parents are the loser kind that don't do their job of parenting.

nhcfark: I see dumn kids all the time trying to mutilate themselves on Escalades.

damb kids ...

Do you want a chocolate covered pretzel?

this is a very vague memory, but when i was about 8 (20 yrs ago, roughly) there was an episode of Rescue911 that had a toddler have his bare feet eaten by the teeth at the end of the escalator.

/LAWLS
//very dramatic in R911 fashion

skinink: Ha ha ha ha. You dumb bastards. It's not a schooner... it's a Sailboat.

Looks more like a parasaurolophus.

"This is the San Dimas mall. And this is where people of today's world hang out. All right everybody, watch your step getting off. Beeth-oven make sure you don't get sucked under. Everybody get together. Make sure you remember who your buddy is. So-crates, watch out for your robe, dude. Okay, follow me. You've got your Broadway down here, and your Sears over here..."

Think of it as Final Destination 4 but in real life.

skinink: Ha ha ha ha. You dumb bastards. It's not a schooner... it's a Sailboat.

What you need is a fatty-boom-batty BLUNT, and I guarantee you'll be seeing a sailboat, an ocean, and maybe even some of those big-t***ed mermaids doing some of that lesbian shiat. LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME, YOU SLOPPY BIATCH!

93 YJ: I hope his shoelace gets caught and a bloodbath ensues!

Don't get me wrong, I don't wish the kid harm, but his mother should suffer that horrific ordeal so she'll learn how to manage her child.


Unfortunately, those types of parents never learn, they just blame it on others.

Just watch if you have to rein in their crotchfruit for them- they flip out- because you're the problem by meddling, not their kids.

Get mall security or call the police, they love it when parents with feral kids make them work for a living.

nhcfark: Darwinism . .. ...
I see dumn kids all the time trying to mutilate themselves on Escalades.
i>

Farkin dumn kids these days, right? Bunch of farkin' dumn-dumns.

Escalators like to eat tennis shoes with kids feet inside them.

Crocs taking bites out of feet -- Children's soft-soled clogs getting caught in escalators.

PartTimeBuddha: SpeshilEdjukashin: When an escalator breaks, it becomes stairs.

Not so. When a chain breaks, it falls off its gears. Escalator breaks = stairs disappear, all fall down.

('Halt' is different)

see: mitch hedberg.

HairBolus: Crocs taking bites out of feet -- Children's soft-soled clogs getting caught in escalators.

Good. That'll teach 'em to wear Crocs.

Hot Pockets!

HairBolus: Escalators like to eat tennis shoes with kids feet inside them.
[...]

That happened to me when I was small. Toe of my shoe got jammed in the rake at the top. They stopped the thing before my actual foot got injured, but the shoe was stuck, and when they reversed the thing, my shoe popped out taking three of the escalator's teeth with it!

IlGreven: HairBolus: Crocs taking bites out of feet -- Children's soft-soled clogs getting caught in escalators.

Good. That'll teach 'em to wear Crocs.


Like having your feet smell like fresh-from-the-factory radial tires, and looking like a dumbass isn't enough...

Danger Avoid Death: nhcfark: I see dumn kids all the time trying to mutilate themselves on Escalades.

damb kids ...

hehe...I've missed your humor around these parts. Been a while

Why do some people refer to all rubber-soled shoes as "tennis shoes". That irritates me.

zimbach: HairBolus: Escalators like to eat tennis shoes with kids feet inside them.
[...]

They stopped the thing before my actual foot got injured, but the shoe was stuck, and when they reversed the thing, my shoe popped out taking three of the escalator's teeth with it!

Hehe. Before your 'actual foot' got injured.
That's good I guess. Right?

zimbach: Why do some people refer to all rubber-soled shoes as "tennis shoes". That irritates me.

Dunno, but would a tennis sock be used for safe sex?

myalias1845: zimbach: Why do some people refer to all rubber-soled shoes as "tennis shoes". That irritates me.

Dunno, but would a tennis sock be used for safe sex?

depends, can you get tennis elbow from chronic masturbation?

Uchiha_Cycliste: myalias1845: zimbach: Why do some people refer to all rubber-soled shoes as "tennis shoes". That irritates me.

Dunno, but would a tennis sock be used for safe sex?

depends, can you get tennis elbow from chronic masturbation?

Socks, especially the sweat sock type, have been used for masturbation for years. I think even a sweat sock could soak up the 'chronic masturbation' leavings that you are refering to.

zimbach: Why do some people refer to all rubber-soled shoes as "tennis shoes". That irritates me.

How would you like them to be called?

athletic shoes, trainers, sandshoes, gym boots, joggers, running shoes, runners, gutties, sneakers, tennis shoes, gym shoes, tennies, sport shoes, sneaks, takkies, or rubber shoes?

Most of these names imply some sort of physical activity that is sadly lacking in most wearers. Sort of like 4 wheel drive sports utiity vehicles are hardly ever used for things implied by their name.

this is a very vague memory, but when i was about 8 (20 yrs ago, roughly) there was an episode of Rescue911 that had a toddler have his bare feet eaten by the teeth at the end of the escalator.

I remember the episode of 911 where the draw string in a toddles jacket got caught in the escalator and was strangling him.

That kid is back on the escalator!

HairBolus: How would you like them to be called?

Call them by what type of shoes they are. If they're running shoes, then it isn't hard to say "running shoes". Pretty much anything would be better than calling all footwear "tennis" shoes. It's like if people called ALL sodas "coke" or "mountain dew" or whatever.



That said, I was about to laugh at the dumbass in TFA, then I remembered the time I swung my ski back instead of forward at the end of a ski lift and landed on my face. Sure it's not the same, but it took the humor away.

PickinWhiskers: gOD forbid his foreskin gets stuck.

Dick!

half-mad-genius: this is a very vague memory, but when i was about 8 (20 yrs ago, roughly) there was an episode of Rescue911 that had a toddler have his bare feet eaten by the teeth at the end of the escalator.

I remember the episode of 911 where the draw string in a toddles jacket got caught in the escalator and was strangling him.

maaaaaybe that was it.

dont remember. i DO remember the one of he kid running around with the toothbrush and he trips and falls and it gets lodged in his throat.

my baby sitter always told me not to walk and talk with my toothbrush. when that came on, she said SEE? SEE? SEE?

zilbel1038

MIIIIIIIITCH!
Sorry for the outburst.

I miss him.

MIIIIIIIIITCH.

I still have the gift certificate! Perfectly good money!

Every time I hear of an escalator disaster, I'm reminded of the following. No, I don't know who first said it, or wrote it, but it still cracks me up.

Oh my god! Did you hear what happened to Senator Santorum yesterday? No? While he was riding the escalator in the Senate office building, it broke down and he was trapped for hours!

Some versions go on about rescue efforts, floating water bottles up to him with balloons, and a priest and his family being air lifted to him for comfort.

I miss Mitch

carnifderome: skinink: Ha ha ha ha. You dumb bastards. It's not a schooner... it's a Sailboat.

Boo, here's a real schooner

The only one of those I've ever been able to see is one a "friend" (and I use that term loosely) made based on The Image That Must Not Be Named. The addition of the third dimension greatly magnified the horror.

tbyte: It's like if people called ALL sodas "coke" or "mountain dew" or whatever.

Some people do call all sodas 'coke'.

They actually have video from the incident... (new window)


/didnt rtgdsmfa

can i be you when i grow up: I once saw a little girl playing around on an escalator. She had beautiful long blonde hair. I say "had" because her hair got pulled into the escalator, and she had to have her hair cut pretty much off to free her. I thought it was funny, but I am kinda cruel that way.

//they borrowed my scissors to do it.


That is funny.

It really depends on what "breaks"... If it's something that seizes up the entire works or trips the safety mechanism, then yes. If it's something that causes it to catastrophically feed or collapse into itself, then no, it becomes a potentially gruesomely mangling contraption quite capable of reducing a human to something resembling pulled pork.

Always maintain situational awareness while riding an escalator. It's relatively easy to escape harm if something does go wrong as long as you are paying attention.

YouPeopleAreCrazy: tbyte: It's like if people called ALL sodas "coke" or "mountain dew" or whatever.

Some people do call all sodas 'coke'.

Yeah, and I've heard from Farkers that some people call all vacuums Hoover. It makes no sense to me. If you're going to call it something specific, at least make an attempt to get it right. Otherwise just call it by the more general word.

wanted for questioning

NeuroticRocker: half-mad-genius: this is a very vague memory, but when i was about 8 (20 yrs ago, roughly) there was an episode of Rescue911 that had a toddler have his bare feet eaten by the teeth at the end of the escalator.

I remember the episode of 911 where the draw string in a toddles jacket got caught in the escalator and was strangling him.

maaaaaybe that was it.

dont remember. i DO remember the one of he kid running around with the toothbrush and he trips and falls and it gets lodged in his throat.

my baby sitter always told me not to walk and talk with my toothbrush. when that came on, she said SEE? SEE? SEE?

I remember the episode where a toddler tugged on the power cord of an electric deep fryer while his babysitter was out of the room, resulting in him getting doused completely with boiling oil as the thing fell on him. It gives me the heebie-jeebies to this day.

Dire: It really depends on what "breaks"... If it's something that seizes up the entire works or trips the safety mechanism, then yes. If it's something that causes it to catastrophically feed or collapse into itself, then no, it becomes a potentially gruesomely mangling contraption quite capable of reducing a human to something resembling pulled pork.

Always maintain situational awareness while riding an escalator. It's relatively easy to escape harm if something does go wrong as long as you are paying attention.

Wasn't a woman killed in NYC decades ago when an escalator opened up and gnawed off her legs?

puddington: NeuroticRocker: half-mad-genius: this is a very vague memory, but when i was about 8 (20 yrs ago, roughly) there was an episode of Rescue911 that had a toddler have his bare feet eaten by the teeth at the end of the escalator.

I remember the episode of 911 where the draw string in a toddles jacket got caught in the escalator and was strangling him.

maaaaaybe that was it.

dont remember. i DO remember the one of he kid running around with the toothbrush and he trips and falls and it gets lodged in his throat.

my baby sitter always told me not to walk and talk with my toothbrush. when that came on, she said SEE? SEE? SEE?

I remember the episode where a toddler tugged on the power cord of an electric deep fryer while his babysitter was out of the room, resulting in him getting doused completely with boiling oil as the thing fell on him. It gives me the heebie-jeebies to this day.

My sister when she was nearly 2 reached up to the counter and pulled on the end of a tea towel that she could reach, that tea towel was beneith a pan of hot fat . She sSuffered 3rd degree burns but fortunately because she was so young her skin healed quite well and then as she aged all the scares grew into her hair. From that I always push everything away from the edge of the bench or tables as young toddlers can reach up and grab so many things and be so quick. Yes my mum was in the same room, she had just put the oil on the towel to protect the bench and turned around to grab the frying pan to soak and my sister pulled the edge of the towel.

here for the hedberg and mallrats. not disappointed.

half-mad-genius>: this is a very vague memory, but when i was about 8 (20 yrs ago, roughly) there was an episode of Rescue911 that had a toddler have his bare feet eaten by the teeth at the end of the escalator.

I remember the episode of 911 where the draw string in a toddles jacket got caught in the escalator and was strangling him.

This being Tennesse, you know there were no shoes involved.

carnifderome:
Boo, here's a real schooner

Square rigged on fore and main with a bowsprit (complete with spritsail topsail) and a lateen on the mizzen?

That's not a schooner, that's a ship.

/I know, I suck

Guest: My sister when she was nearly 2 reached up to the counter and pulled on the end of a tea towel that she could reach, that tea towel was beneith a pan of hot fat . She sSuffered 3rd degree burns but fortunately because she was so young her skin healed quite well and then as she aged all the scares grew into her hair. From that I always push everything away from the edge of the bench or tables as young toddlers can reach up and grab so many things and be so quick. Yes my mum was in the same room, she had just put the oil on the towel to protect the bench and turned around to grab the frying pan to soak and my sister pulled the edge of the towel.

Ever since I saw this PSA (new window) as a kid, I habitually turn all pot handles in on the stove. I also move any glass I see on a table in about 1' in when I'm at anyone's house, because I have a 2 and a 5 year old, and I've been doing this all along. Even when there's no kids around. People who have had kids see me do it and they go "you have kids, don't you?"

HairBolus: Escalators like to eat tennis shoes with kids feet inside them.


Kids shouldn't be playing tennis on the escalators anyway.

When I was little (about 4 or 5) I was wearing some pants that were a little too long. As I was getting off of the escalator at JC Penny, my pants caught on the teeth at the bottom, grabbing my pants and sucking them in. By the time they got the thing shut off, it had torn up my leg pretty well.

No permanent damage, luckily, but I still regard escalators with the proper amount of respect, and to this day I still give the teeth a VERY wide berth when getting on/off.

I vaguely remember going to a mall with my mom once, and once we reached the bottom of an escalator, I pushed the emergency stop button.

I still remember the people on it scurrying down, realizing that they had become stairs.

I was probably all of 5 years old, but I knew then that man wields great power over the mechanical stairs.

Really surprised nobody remembered this one (pops)

Pic of the shoes (using GIS for "escalator chews")

YouPeopleAreCrazy: tbyte: It's like if people called ALL sodas "coke" or "mountain dew" or whatever.

Some people do call all sodas 'coke'.

I was in Ohio. It was so strange, like being in a Twilight Zone episode.
While I was in any restaurant in that state, everyone said they wanted a "pop". The weird part, the person behind the counter gave them all a different drink.
It's like they knew what they wanted. Almost like some strange inbred mental power.

Sometimes when an escalator breaks, its actually unsafe to use. So no, not all escalators become 'stairs' and are safe to walk down.

Hedberg's only funny until you think about the plausibility of his hometown, inbred logic.

HairBolus: athletic shoes, trainers, sandshoes, gym boots, joggers, running shoes, runners, gutties, sneakers, tennis shoes, gym shoes, tennies, sport shoes, sneaks, takkies, or rubber shoes?

There has to be some coke-v-pop-v-soda geographic distribution for that, too. Brits tend to call them 'trainers' - which makes me think - what are you training for? 'Tennis shoes' is pretty common, which implies a tight fit and shoes robust to lateral movement - but who the hell plays tennis? 'Sneakers' - who sneaks, and what are they sneaking from/to? I call them 'gym shoes', despite not attending gym class for 20 years.

Someone could start up a map for that. Not me, I call me 'lazy'.

Eugene Toombs?

One more reference to go, actually:

I met my girlfriend in a department store. She was looking at
clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators. -Steven Wright

tbyte: YouPeopleAreCrazy: tbyte: It's like if people called ALL sodas "coke" or "mountain dew" or whatever.

Some people do call all sodas 'coke'.

Yeah, and I've heard from Farkers that some people call all vacuums Hoover. It makes no sense to me. If you're going to call it something specific, at least make an attempt to get it right. Otherwise just call it by the more general word.

The word they're seeking is "metonym": a word belonging to a category that comes to signify the category itself.

//Linguistics nerd

Notice when an escalator isn't running, most of the time it is the 'up' one, not the 'down' one.

I was in a mall once when the escalator wasn't running. the guy ahead of me told his girlfriend how when it happened recently in a Warsaw department store, it took three hours to get everyone off. I told him he shouldn't say that. He apologized, as I walked away I told him to get his facts right, that it was Krakow, not Warsaw.

simpsonfan: Notice when an escalator isn't running, most of the time it is the 'up' one, not the 'down' one.
Sometimes this is intentional.

While un-intuitive, walking down stairs is much harder on your knees than walking up. Wait until you get older (or injured) and you'll understand.

skinink:
Ha ha ha ha. You dumb bastards. It's not a schooner... it's a Sailboat.

Looks like a dinosaur to me. The one with the flat bone on top of its head.

/Honed skill.