WFern: Sgt Otter: Jackson goes on to call for the impeachment of President Obama -- "There, I said it" -- then does a handstand on stage that she dedicates to the men and women of the U.S. military.

I didn't think it was possible to come up with a more empty gesture than a yellow ribbon sticker on your car, but she managed to find a way.

/Iraq War veteran.

First, thank you for your service. Second, I almost wish more of you would speak up about it. I've heard from other troops and veterans whose reaction to the car magnet is basically a massive eyeroll, but I guess they try and be polite enough not to make a big fuss over it. It still amuses me.

Trivia Jockey: Impeached for what?

I saw my first "IMPEACH OBAMA" bumper stick about three months ago. That was my reaction too and I'm still not sure what they think he did other than disagreeing with them.

I wrote on this friday on my blog. Sgt. I would love your take on it.

Noam Chimpsky: Trivia Jockey: Impeached for what?

For what shouldn't he be impeached?

Supporting the proliferation of communist dictators against the constitutions of Latin American countries, the czarification of the US, nationalizing the automobile industry, I could go on all day with reasons this idiot should be impeached.

If you wish your points considered valid, please prove you also called for Bush to be impeached.

Sgt Otter: "Mis-tah! Mis-tah! My brotha! Ees married. Please. The big gun? Shoot! Yes? Aww, please, mis-tah?"



fusillade762: Wish the damn movie would come out in Portland, already.

That's still not out in Portland? I've been waiting for it to come out in Bend. Looks like I'll be watching the DVD.

Sgt Otter: Here's his steampunk homemade shotgun:

What the holy hell... Your description makes him sound far too stupid and impulsive to actually rig that himself, but if he took the time to construct that Frankenstein of a device, it's quite disturbing.

what_now: 1). The last time I wore a girl scout uniform I was 14, you sick farks.

Pictures ?

/Why thank you
//I will take a seat over there

A couple of years ago I was seeing Dana Carvy at the Kravis Center in downtown West Palm Beach. Decent show, I guess. A few minutes into the show this blitzed, ditsy female voice starts screaming "Hi, Dana! Dana, look, it's me!" I thought it was just a fan, but in the back of my head I was thinking, "That biatch sounds exactly like Victoria Jackson." Lo and behold, Dana Carvy turns, looks (she was in the first few rows) and was like, "Holy shiat, hey Victoria! Victoria Jackson, everyone, of SNL fame!" He was really nice about it. A thousand times more successful than her, and introduced her to the audience and everything. Would have been nice if that was that. She was obviously pretty wasted, and she kept screaming for the rest of the show. Dana Carvy, one of the nicest men in the world, it seems, turns to her and says "Vicky, for God's sake, shut up and stop embarrassing yourself."

Yeah, she's classy.

great story

I think I found a picture of Sgt. Otter in the cavalry:

I enter this anti-tax tea party, held Friday evening in the foothills above Glendale. "It's a $10 donation," the nice woman at the entrance says.

I love a cup of irony in the morning.

Sgt Otter: Long story

Did I miss something, or was this whole thing just random spurts of aggro vigilante justice? Everyone wanted to kill this guy? WTF?

Wake me when Iraqi troops are occupying Sandusky and stomping on one of our drunk shirtless redneck's nuts and gleefully strutting around in sunglasses confiscating weapons.

Jesus.

/Don't hate you, just the game

The President of Hittin' That Ass: Sgt Otter: Long story

Did I miss something, or was this whole thing just random spurts of aggro vigilante justice? Everyone wanted to kill this guy? WTF?


Spend a month working in a developmental center. When a patron/client/patient goes off to a degree like this, this isn't far from what occasionally has to happen to subdue them.

Winktologist: Noam Chimpsky: Trivia Jockey: Impeached for what?

For what shouldn't he be impeached?

Supporting the proliferation of communist dictators against the constitutions of Latin American countries, the czarification of the US, nationalizing the automobile industry, I could go on all day with reasons this idiot should be impeached.

If you wish your points considered valid, please prove you also called for Bush to be impeached.

No one called for Bush's resignation more often than I did. The one thing he did that rose to the level of impeachment was the first bailout, but he was a lame duck at that point. He should have been investigated for the Ramos and Compean miscarriage of justice and that might have been an impeachable offence as well, had it been investigated.

what_now: I think I found a picture of Sgt. Otter in the cavalry:



what_now, drunk on her ass.

Sgt Otter: what_now: I think I found a picture of Sgt. Otter in the cavalry:



what_now, drunk on her ass.

I want your opinion. Definately had good replies. (new window)

It's always funny until someone accuses Obama of being the Anti-Christ . . . and then it's hilarious.

Link (new window)

Methinks RevMercutio likes the wrap-around jacket.


/we had a vote. the vote is now closed, Mr. McMurphy.

Eddie Adams from Torrance: SOCIALISMBIRTHCERTIFICATESEEKRITMUSLIMACORN!11!

This needs to be on the WHARRGARBLing dog photo

Britney Spear's Speculum: Eddie Adams from Torrance: SOCIALISMBIRTHCERTIFICATESEEKRITMUSLIMACORN!11!

This needs to be on the WHARRGARBLing dog photo

Absolutely - heck, that'd make a lovely replacement when editing the typical whargarrbl for brevity.

FormlessOne: Absolutely - heck, that'd make a lovely replacement when editing the typical whargarrbl for brevity.

Where the fark are the new teabagger pictures? Fark is letting me down today. I saw one on Countdown comparing ACORN to the SS, fer chrissakes.

FuturePastNow: Sgt Otter: Here's his steampunk homemade shotgun:

I'm no gun nut, but I'd buy a revolver shotgun

here ya go. (new window)

Tarkus: FuturePastNow: Sgt Otter: Here's his steampunk homemade shotgun:

I'm no gun nut, but I'd buy a revolver shotgun

here ya go. (new window)

That's not a revolver shotgun, that's a shotgun revolver!

/But I'll take two, please.
//With Dragon's Breath rounds.
///And if I could get some demons or vampires to fight, that would be great.

Sgt Otter Fascinating posts, man. When you're back on this continent, stop by Vegas. I'll buy you a 3-foot tall beer or something.

Bloody William: Tarkus: FuturePastNow: Sgt Otter: Here's his steampunk homemade shotgun:

I'm no gun nut, but I'd buy a revolver shotgun

here ya go. (new window)

That's not a revolver shotgun, that's a shotgun revolver!

Yeah, I was imagining something like the gun in the pictures. Only a bit less handcrafted.

tatum: Methinks RevMercutio likes the wrap-around jacket.


/we had a vote. the vote is now closed, Mr. McMurphy.

It's like you're constantly being hugged! What's wrong with that, may I ask?

The only troop and alcohol story I know is that my cousins used to send whiskey to my other cousin (their older brother) in Iraq. (I know it's wrong, so I would NEVER do such a thing.) He'd have a few shots and then turn around and sell or trade it with his fellow soldiers.

They're over there risking their lives, let them knock back a few and relax.

EmmaLou: The only troop and alcohol story I know is that my cousins used to send whiskey to my other cousin (their older brother) in Iraq. (I know it's wrong, so I would NEVER do such a thing.) He'd have a few shots and then turn around and sell or trade it with his fellow soldiers.

They're over there risking their lives, let them knock back a few and relax.

18-25 year old males + boredom + alcohol + high explosives + munitions = fun Fark headlines as soon as they become declassified. So I'm all for controlling how much they can drink.

/Please note I said HOW MUCH not COMPLETELY CUT OFF.

Sgt. Otter has made this thread awesome.

HOW DARE SHE CRITICIZE OUR MESSIAH! BURN THE WITCH! RETHUGLIKKAN TEABAGGURZ WHARGAARBL!!!1111 eleven

At this rate, Sgt. Otter can take a trip around the USA and get a free beer in every state.

/I've got ya covered in eastern Pennsylvania.

Well, if Sgt. Otter can get his horse and his ass to Seattle, I'll buy a beer or two.

Sgt Otter: Bloody William: Sgt Otter: Now that's what I'm talking about!

Amusingly enough, when we were in Iraq, we got some banner from some beer company, about how MILLER SUPPORTS THE TROOPS OF [insert completely mangled named of our unit that isn't even close to being right]. They also threw in some can cozies, hats, and some frisbees. No beer, though

You could tell who the hardcore alcoholics were, as they frantically tore through the styrofoam peanuts looking for the actual beer.

"WHAT THE FARK MAN? WHAT THE FARK IS THIS COCK-TEASE SHIAT?!?

Ouch. And double-ouch for the Miller. It's gotta suck that... alcohol's banned in that country, like most Muslim states, right? It wasn't even allowed on bases?

I brought a 12-pack of Bass to my friend's July 4th barbecue. He took all the Bud and Miller Lights out of the fridge to make room for it.

/"Let's make room for the good beer!"
//I'll drink Miller Light if it's free, because I love the environment.

Consumption of alcohol by U.S. troops in Iraq is banned under the All Powerful, Gweat and Tewwible General Order Number One. This doesn't apply to our allies. There were Romanian troops (from Transylvania, with Dracula-themed unit patches) getting hammered in the Food Court at Camp Liberty.

There's Non-Alcoholic beer available in the dining facility, but most guys don't even bother. Some guys had some mailed to them, sometimes it got seized, but a lot slipped through. Oh, and the "green food coloring in Vodka and packaged in a mouthwash bottle" trick doesn't work.

Some Iraqis do drink. Our area also had a pretty large Christian population, as you can see here:



A few of the enterprising Coptic Christians were bootlegging tallboys of Tuborg, some halfway decent gin, and this incredibly vile whiskey to American troops.

We'd also keep an eye on (Islamic) Iraqi weddings, as they like to get shiatfaced drunk and fire off a few bursts into the air from their AK-47s. Each family is allowed to have one, as long as they register it with us.

Usually, after a few rounds, they'd get bold enough to point at the .50 caliber machineguns or Mark 19 fully automatic grenade launchers on our trucks and ask us:

"Mis-tah! Mis-tah! My brotha! Ees married. Please. The big gun? Shoot! Yes? Aww, please, mis-tah?"

This awesome post + you being from Portland (my hometown) = how the hell have I not favorited you before?

/If you're currently in town, I most certainly will buy you a beer (and if you choose a Black Butte Porter [a manly beer indeed], I'll buy you two).

Okay, one more amusing. Well, sort of. Not really. It is if you were there. Starts of kind of farked up. You've been warned:

Always grab the feet. Always.

If your occupation requires you to move dead bodies that have been murdered execution-style (or gangland-style) on a semi-regular basis, I have the following advice. Always be the first to volunteer and immediately grab said corpse's feet. Even if you have a large group of people, the gamble that you won't get picked at all is not worth getting stuck grabbing said body by the arms. The reason why will become apparent later.

The other day, while doing a routine patrol, we came across the corpse of a boy about 15 years old who had been murdered, and dumped into a pile of trash on the side of the road. His hands were bound and he had been shot twice in the head. It didn't look like he had been tortured. He was still warm and rigor mortis hadn't set in when we gently placed him in a body-bag and turned him over to the Iraqi National Police to take away. It kind of got at me. He was just a kid. It was worse when his hysterical father came running up at me and saw us cutting the zip-cuffs off his wrists and he immediately fainted. Things didn't get any better when the platoon sergeant told me that "there's another one around the corner." It was pretty harsh way to start the mission.

The next night, we were doing another patrol, although we had our XO along with us, who usually doesn't go outside the wire. We passed by the same trash pile and told him that we had found a dead body there yesterday.

"What, did you guys just leave him there?"
"Huh? I put the kid in the body-bag myself, sir."
"Well, whose feet are those?"
"Oh shiat. You've got to be farking kidding me!"

Two new ones. It's amazing how the same incident can happen less than 24 hours later and provoke a completely different response. For some reason, this incident produced a mixture of mild annoyance and fits of inappropriate laughter. This started when we realized that the truck we keep our body-bags on was left behind for the mechanics to work on. So we had nothing to put these guys in, and the Iraqi Police were busy somewhere else.

I fortunately was not on brain detail tonight. The Senior Scout (who at the age of 24, is on his fourth combat tour in Iraq and the most experienced) directed one of the privates to pick him up the legs. Another NCO (a former skater/stoner from Fresno) grabbed him under the armpits and lifted him up. After getting shot twice in the head at close range, the back of his head gave away like a lid and dumped the entire contents of his skull onto his boots. A chorus of "fark! fark motherfarker's!" ensued. Highly inappropriate laughter ensued.

No morgue truck. "K! Special K! (The driver, whose name begins with a K followed by a nonsensical and unpronounceable explosion of Slavic consonants) pull the farkin' truck up."

Oh no. No. He's not.
Yep. He did. They heaved the body up onto the hood of our humvee to drive him down to a nearby Iraqi police checkpoint, much like your Uncle Larry might do with an 8-point buck on opening day of deer season.

K: "I can't farkin' see around this fat-ass dead guy!"
"The Gunner will tell him where to farkin' drive."
"Ahh! Turn his head around. He's farking staring at me!"
"He's farkin' dead. Quit being a farkin' biatch!"
He then started goosing the brake trying to roll his head around.
Me: "K, you roll that farkin' dead guy off the farkin' hood, I'm going to have you do farking push-ups right in that puddle of his farking brains."

Meanwhile, the dead guy is expelling various bodily fluids all over our vehicle. We hoped some random BBC reporter wasn't about to pop out of the shadows to take a picture of us hauling around this poor bastard like Bambi's mother.

HEARTLESS AMERICAN SOLDIERS PROUDLY PARADE MURDERED CIVILIAN AROUND IRAQI NEIGHBORHOOD, ARMY LAUNCHES INVESTIGATION.

We roll up to the INP checkpoint, where an empty helmet propped on a broomstick was busy pulling guard behind a Russian PKM machinegun, alongside a group of cops drinking chai. They immediately began cheering, thinking we had capped an "Ali Baba." An Ali Baba is a bad guy, named after the famous Arabian thief.

Once they realized we were turning them over to them, they refused. Our senior scout (who at 6'5" and 230 lbs. towers over the small statured Iraqis) argued with one of their guys who spoke fragmented English to take control of the remains. We finally had one guy distract them with porn clips on his video iPod and then discretely moved the guys off the hood and then took off.

We ended up back at the Iraqi Police station with our team of Iraqi MPs (the military police guys we roll with are a lot cooler than the national police), laughing at the girlish shrieking of our more innocent guys. A hookah was produced, and we took long, smooth pulls off anise-flavored wet tobacco, which was like smoking black licorice. We traded MREs and Gatorade for falafels and chai. We laughed over each others' bad Arabic and English, especially when one guy proclaimed about his dream to visit America, and "drink whiskey, dance with Michael Jackson, and jack off to Pamela Anderson."

"Jack off? Dude, why won't you just fark her?"
"She is a married woman! That would be disrespectful."
"It's a fantasy. Wait. Nevermind."

One of our FISTers produced a stun gun for "when Hajj starts acting crazy," which the Iraqi MPs loved, as it produced a macho contest of who could get zapped the longest.

We cleaned the blood off the hood, quoting the exchange between Jules and Vincent in Pulp Fiction and laughing hysterically, especially after we discovered the guy's shoe lodged in the grill, and one of our privates wandered around aimlessly asking everybody what to do with it. Not the laughter of heartless sociopaths, but the "fark it dude, let's go bowling" laughter of being caught up in this insanity.

Ahh Victoria Jackson, easily the 13th funniest female regular of SNL.

Fine example of gallows humor, it is.

And you really should look into getting these stories published, I think.

Fark needs a "batshiat" tag for people like Jackson and Palin. Yeah.

RevMercutio: Sgt Otter: King Wicker: Less Victoria Jackson. More Sgt. Otter stories.


Sigh. Here is the tale of Vaseline Man, it's copy & pasted from my journal, so it might be a bit confusing at first:


I wish to subscribe to your entirely awesome newsletter.

/that is, make with link to Sgt. Otter's Story Time page!

I fully agree. Sgt, you made my day.

And "Cock-blocked by the United States Army", there should be some kind of achievement or badge for that. ROFL

Sgt Otter:

We had the new, factory-armored (as opposed to the bolt-on aftermarket armor) M1151 Armored Humvees, and they still got thrashed by IEDs.

I'm only posting these photos because everybody walked away with a few minor bruises.

/Gunner was lucky he had his turret rotated to the side.

I can't even begin to understand what it's like to go out and having to deal with IEDs...

Not aspiring for an armchair expert title or anything, but it seems the troop compartment took the blast pretty good after all? So it seems to work as designed (?), a smashed humwee is a small price if the passengers walks away? If you had that kind of armor all over the engine as well, how heavy wouldn' that be.

Sgt Otter: Okay, one more amusing. Well, sort of. Not really. It is if you were there. Starts of kind of farked up.

Do you have a blog or something set up? I could kill the entire rest of my shift reading stories like that.

Dumle: RevMercutio: Sgt Otter: King Wicker: Less Victoria Jackson. More Sgt. Otter stories.


Sigh. Here is the tale of Vaseline Man, it's copy & pasted from my journal, so it might be a bit confusing at first:


I wish to subscribe to your entirely awesome newsletter.

/that is, make with link to Sgt. Otter's Story Time page!

I fully agree. Sgt, you made my day.

And "Cock-blocked by the United States Army", there should be some kind of achievement or badge for that. ROFL

Agreed. Sgt. Otter I would like to subscribe to your newsletter, or buy your book, which you really have to write.

RevMercutio: Is there a non-ironic "Cool story, bro"? Because that's just some fun storytellin'.

late to the party - standing invite to Sgt Otter, if ever in oz, a free decent aussie beer or ten, to see what you yanks are missing out on;)

/hates war, supports soldiers
//dont drink beer, but figure anyone brave enough to be a soldier damn well deserves to be bought one or so:)

Thread's probably dead, but I'll treat SgtOtter to a brew or several in Hagerstown, Md. or its environs.

globalwarmingpraiser: I want your opinion. Definately had good replies. (new window)

Real farkin' funny asshole. I expect links from 4chan to run scripts, but not from Fark. DIAF dickhead.

I like how a thread about an anti-tax rally gets hijcaked by a story about some "hero" showing off with our tax dollars in Iraq. G-d bless america!!

/any idea how much them there big bullets cost Sarge?

Noam Chimpsky: "For what shouldn't he be impeached? Supporting the proliferation of communist dictators against the constitutions of Latin American countries, the czarification of the US, nationalizing the automobile industry, I could go on all day with reasons this idiot should be impeached."

You could, and they would all be wrong. There is no impeachable offense listed there, nor has any occurred. But, hey, whatever gets you hard in the shower.


Observatory: "I like how a thread about an anti-tax rally gets hijcaked by a story about some "hero" showing off with our tax dollars in Iraq. G-d bless america!!

/any idea how much them there big bullets cost Sarge?"

And what the hell is it that you do? Well, besides parrot empty verses in effort to justify your partisan bile, I suppose.

Morale is morale; given what has been presented, Sgt. Otter is pretty cool.

Very interesting reading. And a new name for my Favorites list.

One of our FISTers produced a stun gun for "when Hajj starts acting crazy," which the Iraqi MPs loved, as it produced a macho contest of who could get zapped the longest.

LOL. Doesn't surprise me.

/FIST for 8 years.

Sgt Otter: We cleaned the blood off the hood, quoting the exchange between Jules and Vincent in Pulp Fiction and laughing hysterically, especially after we discovered the guy's shoe lodged in the grill, and one of our privates wandered around aimlessly asking everybody what to do with it. Not the laughter of heartless sociopaths, but the "fark it dude, let's go bowling" laughter of being caught up in this insanity.

Jesus Christ. Is your life written by Garth Ennis?

Somebody call Sarah Palin. We have found her long-lost sister.

I hate Illinois Nazis.