notmtwain: Transformers had a bigger week to week decline in business than any other movie in the top 10.

Yes a movie that sucked so bad that it has only made $591,459,000 so far worldwide and TIED for first place against the opening weekend of another popular sequel.

Anhydrous Dihydrogen Monoxide: The first one was mindless fun.

No, there was not. The first Transformers was so distant from fun that the light from fun will take billions of years to reach Transformers.

For what should have been a vaguely retarded action-fest, we got just vaguely retarded. We got 45 minutes of some inscrutable subplot involving the NSA and hackers that involved absolutely nothing exploding and only little tiny robots. We got 45 minutes of gag-inducing romantic subplots involving nothing exploding and only a robot disguised as a car. We got 45 minutes of pratfalls, and about 5 minutes of fighting, and honestly- it wasn't even very good fighting.

Seriously, when you finally get to the big epic robot battle, and for all your special effects mastery, you can't do more than make me yawn, you are a shiatty, shiatty director. Michael Bay couldn't make getting crack injected directly into your heart exciting.

Ku_No_Ichi: DamnYankees: Is that an actual line from the movie? I assumed it was made up by the reviewer.

I assumed the reviewer was taking a creative license there, and summing it up for us.

If it is an actual line from the movie, I will pay double price for one ticket and actually go see it,

yes, in reference to Devastator's swinging errr....wrecking balls.

literally.

Ku_No_Ichi: Excen: COMEDIC FARKING GOLD!!!

I didn't see the movie but am glad it exists just so I could read this;

Could you sum up the film in one line of its dialogue?
"I am standing directly beneath the enemy's scrotum."

I agree with the author, I must find a way to work "Teabagging The Army" into my daily conversation.

ObscureNameHere: Excen: yogaFLAME: Didn't read Ebert's review, but I guarantee he was far too nice to the film. This is better.

COMEDIC FARKING GOLD!!!

/didn't see it
/mostly because it would mean tracking down a baggie of mushrooms and finding an IMAX theater

From the sounds of that linked review, it appears that the anime show "Bakugan Battle Brawlers" my kids are watching on YouTube actually has more continuity.
Which is saying a lot, IMO, as some the core issues of the anime make no sense.
Like most anime.

I believe Randall Graves had something poignant to say about the subject:

They are an unholy curse from the beast we call the desolate one. (click-pop)

/He is like a prophet, man. . .

Transformers 2 was one long blur of swirling colors and loud noises best summed up with "WTF?".

Anhydrous Dihydrogen Monoxide: I have never seen so much money spent on something that showed so little love of the craft.

You know, I desperately wanted to be a 3D animator when I was in highschool. I've dabbled in Blender and whatnot.

Let me tell you: the animators and artists who worked on the TF movies have passion for their work. There is real personal creativity in those designs.

That's what makes it so sad that the outcome is such a freaking mess. Those billions of dollars aren't just numbers - they're man-hours spent by talented artists to breathe life into creations that are ultimately being used for cheap testicle jokes.

He put billions of dollars of hard-working artists to work on material that could have been shat out by a middle-school kid. How many times do you think the guys working on the story just said "screw it" and decided to go for another 8-ball instead of trying to find a way for something to make sense? Now, how many times do you think the artists under them did?

That's what makes this really disgusting - all the guys working around him probably have dreams and talent to work for guys like Pixar, but are stuck with this crap instead.

TFA: "There is a point when a personal opinion shades off into an error of fact. When you say 'The Valachi Papers' is a better film than 'The Godfather,' you are wrong." Quite true. We should respect differing opinions up to certain point, and then it's time for the wise to blow the whistle.

This is actually rather toned down. It's kind of like cooking. There are strong personal preferences but people can still arrive at a consensus over quality. I like chicken and absolutely hate mushrooms. I'll take a $4 chicken sandwich over the best mushrooms prepared by an elite chef, any day. I'll also acknowledge that a dish of well-prepared mushrooms are objectively better than my cheap chicken sandwich. But even my liking for chicken can't get me to enjoy a chicken sandwich that's been burned to a crisp and then shat on. So don't try to sell me the idea that calling a turd-covered piece of charcoal disgusting is "a matter of opinion".

I loved Transformers as a kid. But I'm not a kid anymore. My tastes have moved beyond ridiculousness tied together by transforming robots. If someone wanted to make a good movie that featured transforming robots I'd be sure to see it. But nostalgia and robots alone aren't going to get 2 hours of my time. I wouldn't go see a Care Bears movie, I'm not going to see the Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel, or any other such thing just because I liked those things as a kid.

I love Ebert, but he gushed over the first craptacular film, including the CGI robots, whereas he loathed the robots in the second one, calling them "junkyard puke" or something. There really wasn't any difference with them in the two films, no? So why did he change his mind so radically?

Dr.Knockboots: I stopped listening to critics because:

1. They said the movie Seven was terrible.. and err, it was great.
2. They are getting paid for an opinion, not everybody likes the same stuff..I don't care about your opinion, I'll make my own decisions on what to like and not like.

Roger Ebert is one of my favorite big critics because he is often able to seperate "a film made for him" and genre stuff that other people would like. Too lazy to cite, but there are plenty of times I read "this isn't my bag, but it's pretty decent for a horror flick" or the like.

bravian: Yes a movie that sucked so bad that it has only made $591,459,000 so far worldwide and TIED for first place against the opening weekend of another popular sequel.

And American Idol is the greatest TV show in the history of the world, and Danielle Steel is the best author ever, and the National Enquirer is the world's most respected news source.

bravian: notmtwain: Transformers had a bigger week to week decline in business than any other movie in the top 10.

Yes a movie that sucked so bad that it has only made $591,459,000 so far worldwide and TIED for first place against the opening weekend of another popular sequel.

For opening weeks it is just a few spots below Spiderman 3. Are you going to talk about how great that movie was since it made so much money?

Zentai: Transformers should be renamed Transmorons.




/Gold.

more megan fox:

Dr_Gats: T.rex: ... I'm not saying beef up the plot,,, but they at least vary up what the robots are doing. the action sequences were devoid of creativty.

You know, I haven't defended Transformers 2 for much, since I assumed most people would be expecting some type of awesomeness from their childhood transformed into a legend.

Those of you who put your faith in Michael Bay for this were poorly misled.

But the one thing I will not agree with is the above quote. HOW THE FARK can you possibly not have loved the optimus death scene? AWESOME robot action, was probably the best part I took away from the movie!

and for those of you who didn't like the twins, do you remember the original cartoon? Or the fact that it was a cartoon? Humor was not exactly educated.

I think you people have too lofty expectations for what this movie was supposed to be.

/but how about that Avatar trailer eh?

Avatar will suck. Badly.

Bek: So let's focus on those who seriously believe "Transformers" is one of the year's best films. Are these people wrong? Yes. They are wrong. I am fond of the story I tell about Gene Siskel. When a so-called film critic defended a questionable review by saying, "after all, it's opinion," Gene told him: "There is a point when a personal opinion shades off into an error of fact. When you say 'The Valachi Papers' is a better film than 'The Godfather,' you are wrong." Quite true. We should respect differing opinions up to certain point, and then it's time for the wise to blow the whistle.

This is why Ebert is awesome.

And this is why I miss the two of them together. They were straight shooters and tremendously smart, watchable, entertaining and insightful.

And when it comes to the mystifying four-star review for Knowing, I think Ebert was just enthralled with the ideas of that film. So enthralled that he didn't notice they weren't used intelligently at all. Either that or they're treating cancer with crack now.

Katie98_KT: yogaFLAME: Didn't read Ebert's review, but I guarantee he was far too nice to the film. This is better.

oh my god that's awesome.

I agree. Hell, it makes me want to watch the movie even more now!

Can Michael Bay be considered the modern Ed Wood?

bravian: notmtwain: Transformers had a bigger week to week decline in business than any other movie in the top 10.

Yes a movie that sucked so bad that it has only made $591,459,000 so far worldwide and TIED for first place against the opening weekend of another popular sequel.

Nickelback is a platinum selling artist.

Just saying.

yogaFLAME: Didn't read Ebert's review, but I guarantee he was far too nice to the film. This is better.

I'm getting funny looks at work for lol'ing at my desk. Curse you.

robsul82: And when it comes to the mystifying four-star review for Knowing, I think Ebert was just enthralled with the ideas of that film. So enthralled that he didn't notice they weren't used intelligently at all. Either that or they're treating cancer with crack now.

I never saw that movie. What was the idea? I know it involved aliens of some kind.

Huskadoodle: So this is like Blair Witch? If you didn't like it, you just didn't get it?

No, Transformers is almost irredeemably bad if you're looking for anything but explosions and massive CGI.

Blair Witch--some didn't find it the least bit scary and felt cheated that they never showed the witch. Those are the ones I look at and say they just didn't "get it".

ObscureNameHere: Telos: yogaFLAME: Didn't read Ebert's review, but I guarantee he was far too nice to the film. This is better.

Yeah, it's like what an idiot would write if he were trying to make a film look worse than it was so that he could brag to his friends about his popular internet site.

Hey look! Michael Bay has a FARK account!

Yeah, that's it. :roll:

Sorry if I'm capable of noticing when someone writes an outright lie when he's trying to make a movie look bad.

Ooh, or how about let's explain the entire decepticon plan ourselves in 2 sentences and THEN claim the movie never explained it? Even though you just did, based on watching the movie.

Yeah.

The real thing is, the actual problems he noticed were made less noticeable in his blog by the crap he made up. when you've read 10 misinterpretations/lies/retarded statements the 2 or 3 true ones just kind of fade away...

/liked the movie
//it was FUN
///blog article was stupid.

bravian: Yes a movie that sucked so bad that it has only made $591,459,000 so far worldwide and TIED for first place against the opening weekend of another popular sequel.

Michael Bay's alt

Excen: ObscureNameHere: Excen: yogaFLAME: Didn't read Ebert's review, but I guarantee he was far too nice to the film. This is better.

COMEDIC FARKING GOLD!!!

/didn't see it
/mostly because it would mean tracking down a baggie of mushrooms and finding an IMAX theater

From the sounds of that linked review, it appears that the anime show "Bakugan Battle Brawlers" my kids are watching on YouTube actually has more continuity.
Which is saying a lot, IMO, as some the core issues of the anime make no sense.
Like most anime.

I believe Randall Graves had something poignant to say about the subject:

They are an unholy curse from the beast we call the desolate one. (click-pop)

/He is like a prophet, man. . .

Can you tell me the gist? I can YouTube from work and I am curious to know now what the link is talking about.

belhade: Can Michael Bay be considered the modern Ed Wood?

To quote my friend on Ed Wood:

"His films were unmistakably his own."

Michael Bay, to me, is a post-lobotomy Tony Scott with a CGI obsession. I don't think a modern Ed Wood could exist, at least not with popular (as in more than a couple hundred screens) films. But I could be drawing a blank.

dragonchild: It's kind of like cooking.

My analogy is that movies are like meals. Some movies are carefully seared filet mingion served with sauteed truffles and a nutty red wine. They should be savored slowly. Other movies are hamburgers. Sometimes you want the filet, other times, you want a hamburger.

But just because you're in the mood for a hamburger doesn't mean you're going to choke down the predigested turd from McDonalds and call it delicious. You can't just slap garbage between a bun and say, "You can't criticize my hamburger, because it's just supposed to be a hamburger, not a steak."

It's still a bad hamburger.

bravian: Yes a movie that sucked so bad that it has only made $591,459,000 so far worldwide and TIED for first place against the opening weekend of another popular sequel.

Well, yes. Nowadays a movie's profit is only indicative of how many retards it can draw. That doesn't mean it's good or bad; it's just an indicator of how many people bought the hype. In terms of quality, it's a non sequitur.

t3knomanser: Seriously, when you finally get to the big epic robot battle, and for all your special effects mastery, you can't do more than make me yawn, you are a shiatty, shiatty director.

Do yourself a favor and stick to Shoji Kawamori from now on. He can get just as sappy but at least the mecha fights are epic.

can somebody else confirm for me, I could have sworn that the motorcycle transformer was a singular entity, and a decepticon when in the cartoon, although still "female". Am I mistaken?

Roger sounds fat. And he talks like a queer and his shiat's all retarded.

t3knomanser: My analogy is that movies are like meals. Some movies are carefully seared filet mingion served with sauteed truffles and a nutty red wine. They should be savored slowly. Other movies are hamburgers. Sometimes you want the filet, other times, you want a hamburger. But just because you're in the mood for a hamburger doesn't mean you're going to choke down the predigested turd from McDonalds and call it delicious.

Sir, I do believe we are in perfect agreement.

Well written article. Good for him.

DamnYankees: robsul82: And when it comes to the mystifying four-star review for Knowing, I think Ebert was just enthralled with the ideas of that film. So enthralled that he didn't notice they weren't used intelligently at all. Either that or they're treating cancer with crack now.

I never saw that movie. What was the idea? I know it involved aliens of some kind.

The idea that the world is intricately plotted out, that predestination is real, that Earth isn't our original home but that we were taken here after the death of our previous planet. Fark, maybe even that we're watched over by malevolent-seeming aliens who are in fact benevolent and enjoy really obvious Adam and Eve metaphors.

notmtwain:
Those of us who were saved from wasting our money and time have a lot to thank Roger for.

It's a movie,directed by Michael Bay, that is based on a terrible 1980s cartoon about robots from outer space that transform into cars, planes, etc, and it took a negative review from Roger Ebert to convince you that it was going to be a huge turd? Really??

louiedog: bravian: notmtwain: Transformers had a bigger week to week decline in business than any other movie in the top 10.

Yes a movie that sucked so bad that it has only made $591,459,000 so far worldwide and TIED for first place against the opening weekend of another popular sequel.

Nickelback is a platinum selling artist.

Just saying.

And Creed sold 35 million albums.

/If it was Creed instead of Rick, we could eliminate all religion from music in our lifetimes (new window)

robsul82: The idea that the world is intricately plotted out, that predestination is real, that Earth isn't our original home but that we were taken here after the death of our previous planet. Fark, maybe even that we're watched over by malevolent-seeming aliens who are in fact benevolent and enjoy really obvious Adam and Eve metaphors.

That sounds...retarded. And I can't possibly believe that was well-executed with Captain BirdHair in the lead role.

duckpoopy: Roger sounds fat. And he talks like a queer and his shiat's all retarded.

Michael Bay's 2nd alt

Dr_Gats: so, did you guys go there expecting something more than big shiny robots beating each other up with gratuitous one liners and hot chick scenes?

Er, WHAT "hot chick" scenes??

Megan Fox is "okay" is far as women who are put on film to be objects of beauty. Hell, I could go to most college bars on a Friday night and find 10 better-looking chicks.

Overall, The director presents her as if you're as into her as much as she is into herself, and if you're not, the effect is lost.

I think I do want to see this movie solely on the toplessrobot review. I must see how much of a train wreck it is. Movies this bad dont come around all that often, folks. See it and lol while you can

Dr.Knockboots: I stopped listening to critics because:

1. They said the movie Seven was terrible.. and err, it was great.
2. They are getting paid for an opinion, not everybody likes the same stuff..I don't care about your opinion, I'll make my own decisions on what to like and not like.

You tell 'em, Doc!
It's my money
Din't see TF
My lawn, get off it

yogaFLAME

Great find.

"They walked."

Priceless.

DamnYankees: robsul82: The idea that the world is intricately plotted out, that predestination is real, that Earth isn't our original home but that we were taken here after the death of our previous planet. Fark, maybe even that we're watched over by malevolent-seeming aliens who are in fact benevolent and enjoy really obvious Adam and Eve metaphors.

That sounds...retarded. And I can't possibly believe that was well-executed with Captain BirdHair in the lead role.

Exactly. And the worst part of all was Cage was pretty calm in the role. A few spots of overacting, but nothing in the vein of The Wicker Man at all.

That's how he gets you nowadays. You go thinking, "Well, if nothing else, maybe he'll get back to The Wicker Man levels of acting excess." And then he doesn't!

lukelightning: I wonder how Ebert will rate RoboGeisha.

Fried shrimp!

I saw the trailer at the Asian film festival last week, from the same guy that directed this: Machine Girl (new window). The Japanese do come out with some wild movies. I wonder how Ebert would have rated Tokyo Gore Police (new window) or Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl (new window)?

Kryptonic Silencer: If it's like the first one, I won't be wasting my money on it.

That's the funny bit: Ebert gave the first one *** (new window)

timefishblue:
I went into Ass wanting to see an ass.
I got every bit of that, made me happy.

Great films, with plots! Where you cared about whose ass it was, and why it was farting!

Movie critic needs to shut the hell up. He gives his stupid thumbs up to any movie whose producer gives him a sack full of money. Anyone whose deciding factor on whether to see a movie or not based on this assclowns opinion doesn't need to be watching movies anyway when they could be hanging themselves.

After reading your post, I am reasonably certain about two things:

1) you have absolutely no proof that Roger Ebert accepts payola in exchange for positive reviews;

2) you are 13 years old.