It's not news... it's USA Today!

Sparkly, daywalking vampires with erections look down on sharks all day long.

I thought there were only two, the world of sad fat girls and the world of sad gay teenage boys. who am I missing?

"the three vampire worlds"

The three?

FAIL.

There are many, many more. What about "Interview with the Vampire"? Which is like the "Angel" version without the ugly?

Or, of course, the original "Dracula", in which being bitten is enough, but it takes place over days or weeks and is more like a long seduction to the dark side?

Howabout they're all gay derivatives meant to appeal to fat chicks?

inconnu: Howabout they're all gay derivatives meant to appeal to fat chicks?

Eh. How about no. Dracula was a tale of moral panic and carnal sin. Much more than "gay derivatives", though there's a bit of teh gay thrown in.

Lost Boys - You don't need to get bitten, you just drink the leader's blood.

Blood: The last vampire - Who the hell knows, there's only one!

Blade - You get bitten and then Wesley Snipes kicks your ass

inconnu: Howabout they're all gay derivatives meant to appeal to fat chicks?

Change "fat chicks" to "lonely college biatches who have no hope in hell of getting a real date" and you're spot on.

I promise you, I'm not gay!

/Sorry for the tiny picture. It was all I could find.

Underworld - who cares? It's got Kate Beckinsale in a catsuit

HMS_Blinkin: inconnu: Howabout they're all gay derivatives meant to appeal to fat chicks?

Change "fat chicks" to "lonely college biatches who have no hope in hell of getting a real date" and you're spot on.

hugheric: I thought there were only two, the world of sad fat girls and the world of sad gay teenage boys. who am I missing?

Sad fat gay teenage girlboys?

hugheric: I thought there were only two, the world of sad fat girls and the world of sad gay teenage boys. who am I missing?



The world of plague-infected rat-spider-bat-looking things.

/tired of the wussification of vampires

Definitely needs a column for goth kids pretend vampires.

As Gannett prepares to lay off 1,400 more employees. Won't someone think of the newspapers?

It is my contention that every movie could be greatly improved with the inclusion of Wesley Snipe's Blade.

/Fun fact: Twilight was supposed to originally have Blade in it but the writers couldn't plausibly get the movie past 5 minutes long.

Scutter: Definitely needs a column for goth kids pretend vampires.



If, however, you like dressing in black 'cause it's fun, enjoy putting on sparkles and following the occult while avoiding things that are bad for you, then you are most likely a douchebag vampire-wannabee boner.

Because anybody who thinks they are actually a vampire is freaking retarded.

The vampires in the Artix Entertainment games are better

/Vampire + Ninja = BIG TROUBLE
//Vampire + Necromancer = WTF???

I've always liked the AD&D version of vampires. However, that level of intelligence would never work with American media audiences.

Meh, vampire legends span centuries worldwide.

I remember seeing a "how to kill a vampire" cheat sheet on the original (now gone?) urban legends reference website (IIRC based off Usenet posts) that gave helpful tips depending on what region you were in. Damn, I wish I'd saved it. There was very little agreement on how to slay vampires.

Generally, though, the legends agree that vampires drink blood and that sunlight is debilitating if not fatal.

If a story gets half of that very basic description wrong, it belongs in a mulcher.

Gothnet: "the three vampire worlds"

The three?

FAIL.

There are many, many more. What about "Interview with the Vampire"? Which is like the "Angel" version without the ugly?

Or, of course, the original "Dracula", in which being bitten is enough, but it takes place over days or weeks and is more like a long seduction to the dark side?

That's just scratching the surface. There are vampire D&D type games that have volumes upon volumes of different vampires. Plus the vampires that seem to show up in every other urban fantasy novel, Nosferatu, etc.

Geek out time.

FTA - Angel : You got dialysis, vampire style -- you were drained and buried, and then drank from your sire.

No, you need to drink before you die, not after you are buried.

FTA - Angel : There's no coming back from staking, decapitation and burning. Sorry.

Wrong. Spike burned up and Darla was staked. Both came back through extraordinary means.

Who writes this crap?

I enjoy True Blood...but I loved the Underworld vampire/werewolf world. Then again, I enjoy Kate Beckinsale wearing tight leather.

Van Helsing - Vampires seem to reproduce through some sort of egg-like phase. Again, nobody cares because the story is crap and there's Kate.

You're kidding, right? This can't be a real news story, or a real thread ... right? C'mon, quit f*cking with me ... you people aren't actually DISCUSSING this, are you?

GTFO ...

can someone provide an explanation/educated guess for the current popular appeal of the vampire genre (twilight, true blood, etc)

Son of Thunder: hugheric: I thought there were only two, the world of sad fat girls and the world of sad gay teenage boys. who am I missing?



The world of plague-infected rat-spider-bat-looking things.

/tired of the wussification of vampires

You might like The Strain by Guillermo Del Toro and Chuck Hogan. No sparkling, romantic vampires.

hugheric: I thought there were only two, the world of sad fat girls and the world of sad gay teenage boys. who am I missing?

How lucky you are to have not been either. Maybe.

Actually, the hottest chick in my office is all about the Twilight books.

Uck. My girlfriend is into all this vampire shiat. I think I'll go break up with her.

kaseyfarksdaladies: Uck. My girlfriend is into all this vampire shiat. I think I'll go break up with her.

Just go and look up the true legends of vampires and show her the truth that vampires are nothing then jumped up zombies with delusions of grandeur.

gshepnyc: hugheric: I thought there were only two, the world of sad fat girls and the world of sad gay teenage boys. who am I missing?

How lucky you are to have not been either. Maybe.

Actually, the hottest chick in my office is all about the Twilight books.


Two of the chicks in my office are obsessed with them. They took a vacation to Vancouver to try and find the set of the next movie(they did).

/ Still nailed them both

Clicked the article hoping for White Court/Red Court/Black Court references but came away disappointed.

/Dresden Files vampires are almost never mopey.

qsblues: You're kidding, right? This can't be a real news story, or a real thread ... right? C'mon, quit f*cking with me ... you people aren't actually DISCUSSING this, are you?

GTFO ...

You don't seem to know where you are. Can you tell me your name? What's today's date?Any recent head trauma?

/Of course it's not news, it's Fark.

Bartleby the Scrivener: can someone provide an explanation/educated guess for the current popular appeal of the vampire genre (twilight, true blood, etc)

I can tell you Twilight is ridiculously popular partially because it is tapping into the Christian music crowd. The entire message of the series is "TRUE LOVE WAITS and MEN ARE BETTER THAN YOU". Girls love Edward, I guess, for the reasons I find him creepy. He watches Bella sleep ALL THE TIME. He keeps being such a tease, saying he has to save Bella from her carnal temptations. And he SPARKLES *Grr ARghgaragara*

I'm sorry, what was I saying ... I am terrible sorry ...
Oh yeah, the people who love Twilight are the same people who would love to read the self-indulgent dreck you would find in a romance novel, where bland female protagonist (obvious tool for the reader to project herself into the story) is inserted into the story as soon as possible, where she meets Mr. Perfect. Only in this story, Mr. Perfect keeps lecturing her on abstinence and refusing to slip her the tongue before their wedding night. These girls like this book because it has ... VAMPIRES *GASP*, but they are little moralized fantasies of how I guess evangelical teens want to see their cultural badasses. *Sigh*

As for True blood .... southern accents. That's all I got.

Three? What happened to reverse vampires?

The Hunger - The original vampire lives forever and is forever young, but her consorts rapidly age and become immobile after a prolonged lifetime. Also there is lesbian sex.

Gothnet: The Hunger - The original vampire lives forever and is forever young, but her consorts rapidly age and become immobile after a prolonged lifetime. Also there is lesbian sex.

We need more of THIS

Commissar_Murphy: they are little moralized fantasies of how I guess evangelical teens want to see their cultural badasses. *Sigh*

That's the impression I got too.

These are far from the hedonistic vampires of the 80s, the beautiful yet powerful, ruthless and amoral vampires of the 90s or the seductive, evil, irresistably sexual vampires of the victorians and earlier times.

They are little more than an allegory for abstinence only education, they are self denying pussies that also deny human nature.

I mean, what would *you* do if you were super strong, super fast, immortal, thirsty for blood and like catnip to the womenfolk?

It sure as fark wouldn't be holding myself back and watching them sleep.

I hope they left Ravenloft alone.

Commissar_Murphy:
Thanks for the insight. i guess my question can be clarified some to ask, "why vampires" then. you could easily have an allegory for abstinence-only education by using some other trope. or is the vampire angle merely the hook?

\don't know
\\not really sure why i care

he will be anxiously waiting the follow up piece with more information

Galen_Rasputin: kaseyfarksdaladies: Uck. My girlfriend is into all this vampire shiat. I think I'll go break up with her.

Just go and look up the true legends of vampires and show her the truth that vampires are nothing then jumped up zombies with delusions of grandeur.

Looking up and reading that nonsense seems like an awful lot of work for a breakup.

Bartleby the Scrivener: or is the vampire angle merely the hook?

I know you didn't ask me but I'm going to answer anyway. I reckon it's specifically because they have the image of the powerful, decadent and amoral. It also plays to the rebellious nature of kids that can't quite bring themselves to do any actual rebellion.

Maybe, this is all just conjecture. Assuming that they were written specifically to-market and not just because the author thought they had a wicked new take on vampires.

How about Andy Warhol's vampire? A sickly vegetarian in a wheelchair who pukes for 5 minutes straight if he drinks the blood of any but a virgin female?

qsblues: You're kidding, right? This can't be a real news story, or a real thread ... right? C'mon, quit f*cking with me ... you people aren't actually DISCUSSING this, are you?

GTFO ...

Well, Jyhad was a pretty cool game. Then the farking fundies had to rub their sandy vaginas all over it (you know, the real source of "PC"?)

So they changed it to "Vampire: the Eternal Struggle" to placate the insane douchenozzles. Funny thing is, competitive play isn't possible when the cards have different backs.

Oh, what? You didn't want to discuss vampires?

/I have unholy strengths with the pentagram still in place
//and I will cut you with them

Bartleby the Scrivener:

My humble opinion, given the author, is that she honestly couldn't write in a different morals/values system, so she *honestly* wrote a vampire book. The kids who read it, love it cause it doesn't challenge their values. Sorta how guys in uniform loooooooove to read Tom Clancy.

Gothnet: Commissar_Murphy: they are little moralized fantasies of how I guess evangelical teens want to see their cultural badasses. *Sigh*

That's the impression I got too.

These are far from the hedonistic vampires of the 80s, the beautiful yet powerful, ruthless and amoral vampires of the 90s or the seductive, evil, irresistably sexual vampires of the victorians and earlier times.

They are little more than an allegory for abstinence only education, they are self denying pussies that also deny human nature.

I mean, what would *you* do if you were super strong, super fast, immortal, thirsty for blood and like catnip to the womenfolk?

It sure as fark wouldn't be holding myself back and watching them sleep.

A-men. Speaking of different vampire myths, did you ever read this vampire/paranormal thriller, that's written in the form of journal entries, where this guy inherited this estate in eastern Europe, had to go check it out etc. Then people start randomly dying and it turns out he is murdering townsfolk to feed the departed spirits of his family. or something. I remember it being short, creepy and suprisingly realistic. All I can't remember is the name.

boobsrgood: qsblues: You're kidding, right? This can't be a real news story, or a real thread ... right? C'mon, quit f*cking with me ... you people aren't actually DISCUSSING this, are you?

GTFO ...

Well, Jyhad was a pretty cool game. Then the farking fundies had to rub their sandy vaginas all over it (you know, the real source of "PC"?)

So they changed it to "Vampire: the Eternal Struggle" to placate the insane douchenozzles. Funny thing is, competitive play isn't possible when the cards have different backs.

Oh, what? You didn't want to discuss vampires?

/I have unholy strengths with the pentagram still in place
//and I will cut you with them

o_O

JoeJitsu: Clicked the article hoping for White Court/Red Court/Black Court references but came away disappointed.

/Dresden Files vampires are almost never mopey.

Indeed. Nice to see another Jim Butcher fan out amongst the Farkers.

Gothnet:
cool, thanks.