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(Comedy Central) Video Stephen Colbert declares soccer the new American sport. You've been warned   (colbertnation.com) divider line 328
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Merus 2009-07-01 08:18:11 PM  
Soccer is much more interesting when you care about the result. Because goals mean so much, it turns the mid-game into a slow ratchet up of tension, and when someone goes for the goal it's a real thrill. Without that element, though, it gets pretty boring

 
bighasbeen [TotalFark] 2009-07-01 08:19:11 PM  
darkscout: danwinkler: Look at, say, a running back, and any soccer player. In my experience, soccer players are generally scrawny runts

And football players are generally (other than the running back and a few other players) fat, slow alcoholics.


Really, you should just say linemen, discounting defensive ends and a lot of guards and centers. The only really "fat" linemen you see (I mean fat all over, not just some pudge around the middle which is actually good for the position) are the tackles (nose, defensive and offensive). And even that isn't true enough to be a generality. The average 40 time for an NFL lineman is around 5 seconds, so we're talking about a 6'5" 300+ pound guy covering 10 yards in just a little over a second. That's not slow.

 
mvfreeman 2009-07-01 08:19:36 PM  
mdeesnuts: grotto_man: Shadowknight
And there's the importance of the penalty kicks, which encourage victimology by the players.

Diving and it's widely accepted practice is why I don't watch soccer anymore. It's disgusting.

/should be a card-able offence


It's one of the main things that turns me off to the game.

A guy barely gets kicked and he's on the ground grabbing his knee or ankle,rolling on the ground and gnashing his teeth.

Please spare me.

 
flozell 2009-07-01 08:20:13 PM  
1.media.bustedtees.com

/hot like Soccer!

 
The_Philosopher_King 2009-07-01 08:20:36 PM  
I got tired of watching any "professional" sport. They all seem to be more entertainers than anything. While college sports you had guys and gals knocking themselves out. Giving 110%. In fact, some of the best drama can be found at the local high school games. Sure you don't see the skill of the pros. But they want to win more.

I haven't watched much soccer since Pele's heyday.

OK, I still like hockey. (Wings)

 
Gen. Apathy 2009-07-01 08:21:30 PM  
I played soccer (er football) for years so I enjoy watching it. Plus the crowds at the matches are insane. American football (NFL) crowds are crazy too, but it seems that soccer (um football) fans make noise constantly and really are fanatical.

I loved watching the World Cup and we Americans made a decent try. But Brazil is just consistently great.

 
Spanky_McFarksalot 2009-07-01 08:22:13 PM  
I hope the U.S. wins the world cup. Winning the world cup and not having anyone in the country that won it care would soooooo piss off the europeans.

 
Iplaybass 2009-07-01 08:22:21 PM  
utter_bastard: American Football is exciting? What the fark are you smoking?

Move three yards, go to commercial for 10 minutes. It takes 4 hours to play a one hour game.


THIS. So boring.

 
Iplaybass 2009-07-01 08:23:05 PM  
Spanky_McFarksalot: I hope the U.S. wins the world cup. Winning the world cup and not having anyone in the country that won it care would soooooo piss off the europeans.

Your team sucks, so it'll never happen.

 
king cranium maximus IV 2009-07-01 08:24:24 PM  
I_Approve_Of_This_Message: Anyone who doubts soccer can become big in the US need only get in the proximity of a Seattle Sounders FC home game.

deconstructingthoughts.mlblogs.com

The Sounders block off the upper deck.

graphics8.nytimes.com

So yeah. Of course the non-roped-off sections can sell out.

 
o5iiawah 2009-07-01 08:24:25 PM  
mvfreeman: mdeesnuts: grotto_man: Shadowknight
And there's the importance of the penalty kicks, which encourage victimology by the players.

Diving and it's widely accepted practice is why I don't watch soccer anymore. It's disgusting.

/should be a card-able offence

It's one of the main things that turns me off to the game.

A guy barely gets kicked and he's on the ground grabbing his knee or ankle,rolling on the ground and gnashing his teeth.

Please spare me.



You talkin' about Lebron james, or soccer?

 
12349876 2009-07-01 08:25:15 PM  
Think of soccer as being like getting sex. It can take a really long time to score, but when you do...

 
bighasbeen [TotalFark] 2009-07-01 08:25:36 PM  
bwesb: Fair enough, Dan. Take two 11-man football teams and have them play one regulation soccer match. Just one. No pads beyond pointless shin guards, no timeouts, max 3 subs per game, no oxygen breaks, no scheudled water breaks, and the only person who can use his hands is the keeper. Are they going to last 45 minutes?

I love the NFL but the realistic answer is nope!

Nice try though.


Likewise, take 11 soccer players, put them in NFL equipment and have them smash into each other and see who gets up after 5 minutes.

Different sports attract different body types. In sports like American football and basketball you need a larger variety of body types than you do in soccer or baseball.

 
mvfreeman 2009-07-01 08:27:47 PM  
12349876: Think of soccer as being like getting sex. It can take a really long time to score, but when you do...

You're doing it wrong.

 
bigdogap 2009-07-01 08:27:56 PM  
I've always thought Colbert was an idiot.

This just confirms it.

 
RemyDuron 2009-07-01 08:28:02 PM  
It's just. . . so. . . boring.

But I think basketball is boring too. Football and boxing are about the only sports I enjoy watching on TV. In person hockey and baseball are okay, and football is crap. Never been to a real soccer game in person, have to try it one day.

 
Farkomatic 2009-07-01 08:28:56 PM  
Xlr8urfark: Farkomatic: It's just not that complicated.

Why are people arguing back and forth about this? Both American football and Soccer are complicated. The difference is you probably don't know enough about the sport to realize what's going on. Granted, American football is more complex since you have so many plays, but do you not think that penalty kicks and corner kicks are prepared ahead of time? I'm not directing this necessarily at you, I just see this same attitude throughout this thread. Most of the arguments in here are either half-baked trolling attempts or a strong demonstration of ignorance of a sport.


Gee whiz - I was only asking for nekkid wimmins and cat fights.

 
mvfreeman 2009-07-01 08:30:30 PM  
o5iiawah You talkin' about Lebron James, or soccer?

I have to admit I don't watch basketball nearly as much as I used to.

But you're right, no shortage of actors in the NBA.

 
BabyFaceFinster 2009-07-01 08:30:37 PM  
The equivalent of diving in soccer:

Greg Paulus - Duke

Robert Horry - San Antonio

They're not writhing in pain because they're hurt; it's a tactic, just like in basketball.

 
I_Approve_Of_This_Message 2009-07-01 08:30:38 PM  
king cranium maximus IV: I_Approve_Of_This_Message: Anyone who doubts soccer can become big in the US need only get in the proximity of a Seattle Sounders FC home game.



The Sounders block off the upper deck.



So yeah. Of course the non-roped-off sections can sell out.


Oh, I see. They should have built a separate 30,000 seat stadium that they would have to then expand when demand for tickets goes up. Well, that makes perfect sense.

BTW, there's a huge controversy up here over whether or not to open the upper bowl. They just added 4,000 seats that sold out in no time.

They're playing a friendly against Barcelona. The entire stadium, as in all 67,000 seats, are sold out.

Feel free to talk about anything else you obviously don't know about.

 
12349876 2009-07-01 08:32:28 PM  
king cranium maximus IV: The Sounders block off the upper deck.

No sport other than football, car racing, and big golf events hold as many people as an NFL stadium. And NFL stadiums would be quite a bit smaller if they had significantly more than 8 games a year.

 
Stay Cool Babylon 2009-07-01 08:32:37 PM  
I respect 'soccer' immensely. But American football is too fascinating. It isn't so much the violence or the extreme skill set, it's the chess-like brains behind the game. I can digest that stuff for hours.

 
Earl Green 2009-07-01 08:34:29 PM  
Every sport, with the exception of baseball, is the same game. The offense has the ball, puck, etc. and advances to a goal which may or may not be defended. Just off the top of my head: Football (both), Basketball, Polo (both), Soccer, Pool, Ping Pong, Rugby, Bowling, Tennis, Golf, Hockey, Professional Eating, and everything else. Yet we argue over which version of the same game is the best, but soccer sucks.

 
Spanky_McFarksalot 2009-07-01 08:35:05 PM  
Iplaybass: Your team sucks, so it'll never happen

We have a team? Meh.

 
bmb_789 2009-07-01 08:35:25 PM  
BabyFaceFinster: The equivalent of diving in soccer:

Greg Paulus - Duke

Robert Horry - San Antonio

They're not writhing in pain because they're hurt; it's a tactic, just like in basketball.


Two words: Duke Sucks.

 
12349876 2009-07-01 08:35:38 PM  
Earl Green: Every sport, with the exception of baseball, is the same game. The offense has the ball, puck, etc. and advances to a goal which may or may not be defended. Just off the top of my head: Football (both), Basketball, Polo (both), Soccer, Pool, Ping Pong, Rugby, Bowling, Tennis, Golf, Hockey, Professional Eating, and everything else. Yet we argue over which version of the same game is the best, but soccer sucks.

You left out every single racing sport.

 
HammerHeadSnark 2009-07-01 08:37:29 PM  
Kickball, dang it, it's not soccer, it's kickball!

 
Fahkinell 2009-07-01 08:38:20 PM  
rush limbaugh's fupa: I wish the USMNT would play a more pass happy style of soccer. Bunkering down and kicking a ball 60 yards up the pitch and hoping for the best isn't a good strategy at all. JOGO BONITO USA! please!

It's what you've got. It works, don't knock it. But it ain't pretty, I'll give you that.

 
madblader 2009-07-01 08:40:40 PM  
Football is the most retarded name for RUGBY I have ever heard.

 
Stroke_N_Focus 2009-07-01 08:42:10 PM  
I_Approve_Of_This_Message: king cranium maximus IV: I_Approve_Of_This_Message: Anyone who doubts soccer can become big in the US need only get in the proximity of a Seattle Sounders FC home game.



The Sounders block off the upper deck.



So yeah. Of course the non-roped-off sections can sell out.

Oh, I see. They should have built a separate 30,000 seat stadium that they would have to then expand when demand for tickets goes up. Well, that makes perfect sense.

BTW, there's a huge controversy up here over whether or not to open the upper bowl. They just added 4,000 seats that sold out in no time.

They're playing a friendly against Barcelona. The entire stadium, as in all 67,000 seats, are sold out.

Feel free to talk about anything else you obviously don't know about.


Well yeah, I would hope they could sell out agaisnt BARCELONA.

 
Gunny Highway 2009-07-01 08:43:20 PM  
I was hoping this thread wasnt going to suck but this thread sucks real bad.

 
Bill Frist 2009-07-01 08:45:04 PM  
Shadowknight: I know American Football is one of the more horribly named sports in the world, and is a result of us having to be different from everyone else...

It is really sad that people think football (soccer) is named that because you kick the ball.

It is not.

It is named football because it was a ball game played ON FOOT (as opposed to horseback).

The various football codes (american, rugby, association, australian) all descend from a common sport.

Soccer does not predate American football, or not by any significant time. They both developed pretty much simultaneously.

 
Bill Frist 2009-07-01 08:45:40 PM  
madblader: Football is the most retarded name for RUGBY I have ever heard.

Why would you name a sport after a Ralph Lauren brand?

 
bighasbeen [TotalFark] 2009-07-01 08:45:42 PM  
12349876: Think of soccer as being like getting sex. It can take a really long time to score, but when you do...

I like to use my hands.

And baseball will never give up the title of greatest sex-metaphor sport. It's you up there alone, your stick in your hands, trying to get what you want out of someone who has 8 friends back there trying to stop you. You'll probably only get 3-4 chances each night to try to pull something off. And if you succeed 30% of the time, you're doing great.

Hitting with RISP is like talking to a drunk chick: if you can't produce in that situation you won't be in the show for very long.

 
Earl Green 2009-07-01 08:45:53 PM  
12349876: Earl Green: Every sport, with the exception of baseball, is the same game. The offense has the ball, puck, etc. and advances to a goal which may or may not be defended. Just off the top of my head: Football (both), Basketball, Polo (both), Soccer, Pool, Ping Pong, Rugby, Bowling, Tennis, Golf, Hockey, Professional Eating, and everything else. Yet we argue over which version of the same game is the best, but soccer sucks.

You left out every single racing sport.


Maybe. But, if the body, car, horse, etc. can be seen in the same light as the ball or the puck, then once again the object of the contest is to advance it across the goal. That might be a stretch as well as boxing/wrestling, but this theory really goes well with drunken folks who are less than intense sports fans. Throw in a couple of impressive big words and you can hold court with this one for at least 3 minutes.

 
mvfreeman 2009-07-01 08:46:49 PM  
12349876: king cranium maximus IV: The Sounders block off the upper deck.

No sport other than football, car racing, and big golf events hold as many people as an NFL stadium. And NFL stadiums would be quite a bit smaller if they had significantly more than 8 games a year.


And that's what they are actually considerung.

/Don't do it
//Football fans should check out Easterbrook's TMQ on ESPN.com

 
Xlr8urfark 2009-07-01 08:47:26 PM  
Farkomatic: Xlr8urfark: Farkomatic: It's just not that complicated.

Why are people arguing back and forth about this? Both American football and Soccer are complicated. The difference is you probably don't know enough about the sport to realize what's going on. Granted, American football is more complex since you have so many plays, but do you not think that penalty kicks and corner kicks are prepared ahead of time? I'm not directing this necessarily at you, I just see this same attitude throughout this thread. Most of the arguments in here are either half-baked trolling attempts or a strong demonstration of ignorance of a sport.

Gee whiz - I was only asking for nekkid wimmins and cat fights.


Don't want to get banninated so I can't deliver on the naked wimminz, but

www.uncoached.com

 
Bill Frist 2009-07-01 08:49:25 PM  
12349876: Think of soccer as being like getting sex. It can take a really long time to score, but when you do...

When you do it is really anticlimactic because you flopped on the ground in faux-pain to earn a penalty kick?

 
Infernal Wedgie 2009-07-01 08:52:13 PM  
darkscout: danwinkler:
/Soccer women > *



How YOU doin'?

/farkette, left striker, left mid

 
carnifex2005 2009-07-01 08:52:26 PM  
Bill Frist: 12349876: Think of soccer as being like getting sex. It can take a really long time to score, but when you do...

When you do it is really anticlimactic because you flopped on the ground in faux-pain to earn a penalty kick?


Pity sex is still sex.

 
bighasbeen [TotalFark] 2009-07-01 08:52:41 PM  
Bill Frist: Shadowknight: I know American Football is one of the more horribly named sports in the world, and is a result of us having to be different from everyone else...

It is really sad that people think football (soccer) is named that because you kick the ball.

It is not.

It is named football because it was a ball game played ON FOOT (as opposed to horseback).

The various football codes (american, rugby, association, australian) all descend from a common sport.

Soccer does not predate American football, or not by any significant time. They both developed pretty much simultaneously.


Sure, next you'll tell me that an army has nothing to do with your limbs. I mean, hello, you have to use your arm to swing a sword.

 
bushbot111 2009-07-01 08:52:50 PM  
DalaiLamaDingDong: bushbot111: I could see soccer becoming popular in the U.S. It would have to change a few things to become popular though:

1) Allow use of your hands (so you can throw the ball)
2) Don't let the ball touch the ground
3) Allow tackling
4) Expand the goal to the whole side on the end
5) Shrink the field

you forgot to get rid of the goalkeeper


Yeah, get rid of the goalkeeper too. Or just have him play closer to the other players. And call him a, I dunno, safety or something. I'm just throwing out ideas.

 
Bill Frist 2009-07-01 08:54:37 PM  
Earl Green: Every sport, with the exception of baseball, is the same game. The offense has the ball, puck, etc. and advances to a goal which may or may not be defended. Just off the top of my head: Football (both), Basketball, Polo (both), Soccer, Pool, Ping Pong, Rugby, Bowling, Tennis, Golf, Hockey, Professional Eating, and everything else. Yet we argue over which version of the same game is the best, but soccer sucks.


This is why to general to make any real sense. Really, golf is just like basketball?

That said, I do think that in western team sports there is a kind of "netural" platonic sport we can envision and most of the sports have only slight variations on it.

Said sport involves a ball that is advanced to an opposing goal that is in the center of the end of a rectangular field/court. The goal probalby is defended by a goalkeeper and you score by getting inside. About five men are used on defense and another five on offense. The game is timed and the game ends when the time runs out.


If you add one or two twists that defines most sports. Basketball (except goal is in air, no keeper, same guys play offense and defense), soccer (can only use feet), lacrosse (have sticks), hockey (on ice, puck instead of ball), etc.

Looking at it that way, soccer is almost the most neutral an unfeatured sport. There isn't much special about it vis-a-vis other team ball sports.

Whether that makes it more "pure" or more "boring" depends on your point of view.

 
Cheesy Rat [recently expired TotalFark] 2009-07-01 08:56:28 PM  
Doc Daneeka: Tachikoma: /hadn't played since I was ten, sadly
//started getting into baseball around then

I think that is fairly common story in America.

My brother played soccer as a young child as well, and then switched over to baseball when he hit puberty.


Yea, but that's only because in most states throughout the 80's and 90's (and mybe even today) soccer was not a highschool sport. So you could only play in youth leagues. After about 10-12 years old, there was no place to play.

But man you should see the crowds that show up for Seattle Sounders FC games now that we have a real, big-time soccer team here. We are on pace to break the record for attendance in the MSL. And part of it is the fact that soccer is not only a sport that you can play in highschool here, but also the fact that those of who were kids in the 70's-90's are now adults with kids who are playing soccer, and who idolize the top players. I think that the 2006 World Cup was the first big soccer event to really "rally the troops" and get more Americans interested in soccer.

Now that we just almost took the 2009 Confederations Cup, beating the #1 team, and narrowly losing to the team that took over the #1 spot after the tournament, momentum is building. I don't think we could take the World Cup...yet. But if the momentum that is started can continue, than kids today will be 18-20 years and prime age for top flight soccer by the 2018 World Cup. That is probably the soonest we can get enough good players together to challenge for a big 5+ game tourney like the World Cup. Right now we have about 6 good players on our team (Donovan, Onyewu and Howard being the most impressive - sorry, but Altidore really needs to grow up to get any better), but someone like Brazil can easily have 6-10 players on the field that have easy name recognition. In about 8-10 years, I think the US will be close to if not at that level of talent.

 
SDRR 2009-07-01 08:58:21 PM  


DoWhatNowToWhat: Even if soccer does become the new American sport it won't be respected in the rest of the world because the US keeps calling it soccer.

people get slapped for calling it soccer

Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer

 
Bill Frist 2009-07-01 09:02:14 PM  
DoWhatNowToWhat: Even if soccer does become the new American sport it won't be respected in the rest of the world because the US keeps calling it soccer.

people get slapped for calling it soccer


That's because the rest of the world is retarded and ignorant of history.

It is called soccer because the game is one of many CODES of football that mostly developed around the same time. It is the ASSOCIATION football code. Thus, soccer.

Crying about calling it football is like crying that people call them pandas instead of bears. Pandas are a type of bear, dumbass.

 
MedianJoe 2009-07-01 09:03:39 PM  
Swampthing in Korea: DoWhatNowToWhat: Even if soccer does become the new American sport it won't be respected in the rest of the world because the US keeps calling it soccer.

people get slapped for calling it soccer

Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer Soccer


mushroom mushroom!

 
FarkinFarker 2009-07-01 09:04:04 PM  

 
Cheesy Rat [recently expired TotalFark] 2009-07-01 09:05:14 PM  
agoratrader: Dude I've never in my life heard a white person talk about soccer in the US. Now in the last few months I've overheard so many conversations about soccer. It's insane and blows my mind.

Leave the South sometime sport. It'll do wonders for you, trust me

/been to 42 states and 6 countries
//haven't left western hemisphere yet though =(

 
ActionJoe 2009-07-01 09:10:44 PM  
Soccer is boring in my opinion. Nothing really exciting happens. It is kinda like NASCAR. The same thing for most of the event with a couple highlights. No one in the US is really going to like a sport where a 0-0 tie is likely.

American football is not fast paced at all. I am bored to death when I see a game in person. It's a sport to be watched on TV. The strategies are interesting though. You set up each play like a general would plot his next move against an enemy.

The comparison of having football players trying to play soccer is stupid. Most sports are specialized. Just because you are good at one sport does not mean you will be good at another sport regardless of how athletic you are.

 
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