I'm not sure that's entirely satirical.

© just an observation

So?

From what I've heard about dating sites even the homely women still have the upper hand.

There are two things that should give even the most pathetic person a hope that they can find that special someone.

1. Walmart. Anyone who has been in a Walmart knows that ugly people mate. I suggest using Walmart as a place to meet people in your league.

2. Alcohol.


/I love the Onion

Can we PLEASE farking warn for auto-start videos? Just say (video) at the end. That's it, that's all I'm asking. I am more concerned with this than NSFW warnings.

It's called losing weight. Try it sometime, ladies.

It really is that simple. Also if you need tucks or lifts, tuck and lift accordingly.

The onion never ceases to amaze.

My favorite is still the Supreme Court: Death Penalty Is 'Totally Badass' (new window and NSFW language)

I seriously had a friend who broke off her engagement, then went on to all these sites. Seriously, if she didn't fark a guy on the first date, she never heard from him again. Also, if she didn't fark a guy every time she saw him she never heard from him again.
/better racket than pimping
//damn anti-pimping laws

Axe Wound: Can we PLEASE farking warn for auto-start videos? Just say (video) at the end. That's it, that's all I'm asking. I am more concerned with this than NSFW warnings.

VERY good point. NSFW images can usually be seen discreetly if nobody's looking over your shoulder. But having sudden audio and video just calls out to everyone in the room.

thelordofcheese: I seriously had a friend who broke off her engagement, then went on to all these sites. Seriously, if she didn't fark a guy on the first date, she never heard from him again.

Seriously?

Well, they are much easier to deal with once their spirits are broken.

The internet is how I met my ex-wife. The internet is how she met the stream of men she was cheating on me with. The internet is how I met my current girlfriend.

The internet. It can do almost as many things as beer can.

pureobscure
From what I've heard about dating sites even the homely women still have the upper hand.

You heard wrong. Till I met my wife a few years back, even a slightly overweight, bald bugger like myself could get all the hoo-hoo I could handle via love@aol and similar sites. Once past 30, the game changes hugely.

/101 FTW

Gunderson, that was totally tasteless and socially unacceptable.

_{I like that in a posting.}

Hey. Online dating also helps pathetic men get their hopes crushed. Gender equality and all that.

Robert1966: Axe Wound: Can we PLEASE farking warn for auto-start videos? Just say (video) at the end. That's it, that's all I'm asking. I am more concerned with this than NSFW warnings.

VERY good point. NSFW images can usually be seen discreetly if nobody's looking over your shoulder. But having sudden audio and video just calls out to everyone in the room.

I don't like auto start videos either, but why is your sound turned up that loud at work?

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/nations_girlfriends_unveil_new

"....now I get rejected on my own terms." LOL

It's true though. As an occasional browser of the dating sites, I see this quite often. I suppose they are doing it right, though. Send a message to every single man on the site and your odds become much better.
Actually, it makes the recipient feel worse because he may think, "aww, crap! Are these moose faced, window licking, mouth breathers the only ones interested in me?"

URAPNIS: Actually, it makes the recipient feel worse because he may think, "aww, crap! Are these moose faced, window licking, mouth breathers the only ones interested in me?"

As someone who would likely be one of those recipients, comments like this remind me why I don't do online dating.

/so lonely

URAPNIS: Are these moose faced, window licking, mouth breathers the only ones interested in me?"

Does someone want to clue me in on the bold term?

Baryogenesis: URAPNIS: Are these moose faced, window licking, mouth breathers the only ones interested in me?"

Does someone want to clue me in on the bold term?

Think short bus occupants.

My hopes were crushed, so I am getting a kick etc.

/whatever doesn't kill you makes you... stranger. ;)

Mr. Fuzzypaws: Baryogenesis: URAPNIS: Are these moose faced, window licking, mouth breathers the only ones interested in me?"

Does someone want to clue me in on the bold term?

Think short bus occupants.

Or Aphex Twin fans.

Sarcastica75: My hopes were crushed, so I am getting a kick etc.

/whatever doesn't kill you makes you... stranger. ;)

I have a sudden urge to not kill you.

Myspace, facebook, blackplanet, and migente all free and all full of chickswhores
1st message I send : Hi how are you
2nd: What's your name mine is Adrian
3rd: What do you like to do for fun
4th: What do you like in men
5th: Do you have Yahoo IM
6th: Get on yahoo im with her show my webcam (all they want is to see your face). Bonus they have a cam also
7th: Ask for #
8th: Fark her and never call back again
Yes it is that farking easy (Facebook hoes seem to want a extra question or two)
/I can swear by this shyt

steveGswine: Sarcastica75: My hopes were crushed, so I am getting a kick etc.

/whatever doesn't kill you makes you... stranger. ;)

I have a sudden urge to not kill you.

I fail at fark. I should have written, "I'm a pathetic woman..."

Bah. :/

URAPNIS: Actually, it makes the recipient feel worse because he may think, "aww, crap! Are these moose faced, window licking, mouth breathers the only ones interested in me?"

That is definitely my thought most days when I log onto OkCupid. There are some occasional attractive guys, but most of the messages I get are from the slightly chubby set with one picture that obscures their face so people can't tell that they're ugly. Somehow most of these geniuses expect that because I mention video games in my profile, I'm going to be charmed by their obnoxious proclamations of geekiness and will totally go for it when they refer to me as "m'lady". I guess it's a free site, I can't expect much.

/met my ex online
//on GameFAQs

drjekel_mrhyde: Myspace, facebook, blackplanet, and migente all free and all full of chickswhores
1st message I send : Hi how are you
2nd: What's your name mine is Adrian
3rd: What do you like to do for fun
4th: What do you like in men
5th: Do you have Yahoo IM
6th: Get on yahoo im with her show my webcam (all they want is to see your face). Bonus they have a cam also
7th: Ask for #
8th: Fark her and never call back again
Yes it is that farking easy (Facebook hoes seem to want a extra question or two)
/I can swear by this shyt

Yet no pic in your profile...I bet you're really the sharp knees guy. Or his love child.

Sarcastica75: steveGswine: Sarcastica75: My hopes were crushed, so I am getting a kick etc.

/whatever doesn't kill you makes you... stranger. ;)

I have a sudden urge to not kill you.

I fail at fark. I should have written, "I'm a pathetic woman..."

Bah. :/

See? You're stranger already.

PinkGrapefruit: URAPNIS: Actually, it makes the recipient feel worse because he may think, "aww, crap! Are these moose faced, window licking, mouth breathers the only ones interested in me?"

That is definitely my thought most days when I log onto OkCupid. There are some occasional attractive guys, but most of the messages I get are from the slightly chubby set with one picture that obscures their face so people can't tell that they're ugly. Somehow most of these geniuses expect that because I mention video games in my profile, I'm going to be charmed by their obnoxious proclamations of geekiness and will totally go for it when they refer to me as "m'lady". I guess it's a free site, I can't expect much.

/met my ex online
//on GameFAQs

I would have named that in my post but I never hit anything off that
/you live near Chicago lol

I love how realistic they made this. So much attention to detail. You see how they cut off the sound of the interview when the reporter starts talking, and they even have the annoying background graphics.

Baryogenesis: URAPNIS: Are these moose faced, window licking, mouth breathers the only ones interested in me?"

Does someone want to clue me in on the bold term?

screamin_g: drjekel_mrhyde: Myspace, facebook, blackplanet, and migente all free and all full of chickswhores
1st message I send : Hi how are you
2nd: What's your name mine is Adrian
3rd: What do you like to do for fun
4th: What do you like in men
5th: Do you have Yahoo IM
6th: Get on yahoo im with her show my webcam (all they want is to see your face). Bonus they have a cam also
7th: Ask for #
8th: Fark her and never call back again
Yes it is that farking easy (Facebook hoes seem to want a extra question or two)
/I can swear by this shyt

Yet no pic in your profile...I bet you're really the sharp knees guy. Or his love child.

Fark is farked
here is my myspace and no I am just a reg farker except darker
Link (new window)

The Internet's been helping with that forever. I was broken up with on the Internet fourteen freaking years ago. Saved him the long-distance phone call, I guess! Very efficient, two thumbs up, fine family fun, etc.

A friend of mine met his soon to be wife on-line about 5 years ago. I made a profile once and looked around, but I just couldn't get into it. Every profile seemed the exact same, with people trying way too hard to be witty and quirky.

I just tend to date people I meet through work or school, as you get a chance to learn about each other in a non-romantic setting first, as opposed to meeting people at bars when your first impression is always completely based on looks.

krazydiamond: A friend of mine met his soon to be wife on-line about 5 years ago. I made a profile once and looked around, but I just couldn't get into it. Every profile seemed the exact same, with people trying way too hard to be witty and quirky.

I just tend to date people I meet through work or school, as you get a chance to learn about each other in a non-romantic setting first, as opposed to meeting people at bars when your first impression is always completely based on looks.

I never got into it either, but I would prefer people who put some effort into their profile even if they were trying too hard. It's the people who just list their favorite books, movies and bands that annoy me.

I haven't seen the onion here in 'frisco for a few weeks.

I thought they went under....

Bonus is that you can meet some REALLY interesting people online.

Although at this point I have given up on meeting someone in my standard deviation -- hell, I just want someone on my half of the bell curve. Or scrounge someone up from under a local/convenient rock...

*sigh*

steveGswine: Sarcastica75: steveGswine: Sarcastica75: My hopes were crushed, so I am getting a kick etc.

/whatever doesn't kill you makes you... stranger. ;)

I have a sudden urge to not kill you.

I fail at fark. I should have written, "I'm a pathetic woman..."

Bah. :/

See? You're stranger already.

I need a purple suit... and some makeup.

/and a sombrero.

PinkGrapefruit: URAPNIS: Actually, it makes the recipient feel worse because he may think, "aww, crap! Are these moose faced, window licking, mouth breathers the only ones interested in me?"

That is definitely my thought most days when I log onto OkCupid. There are some occasional attractive guys, but most of the messages I get are from the slightly chubby set with one picture that obscures their face so people can't tell that they're ugly. Somehow most of these geniuses expect that because I mention video games in my profile, I'm going to be charmed by their obnoxious proclamations of geekiness and will totally go for it when they refer to me as "m'lady". I guess it's a free site, I can't expect much.

/met my ex online
//on GameFAQs


I've found charging a modest fee eliminates a huge number of losers on dating sites. Not all of them of course, but chances are if you just paid almost $100 or more for 6 months of membership, the other people can at least hold a job and have something resembling social skills. Many are even physically attractive - with jobs that require odd hours or are tired of meeting people in bars.

PinkGrapefruit: URAPNIS: Actually, it makes the recipient feel worse because he may think, "aww, crap! Are these moose faced, window licking, mouth breathers the only ones interested in me?"

That is definitely my thought most days when I log onto OkCupid. There are some occasional attractive guys, but most of the messages I get are from the slightly chubby set with one picture that obscures their face so people can't tell that they're ugly. Somehow most of these geniuses expect that because I mention video games in my profile, I'm going to be charmed by their obnoxious proclamations of geekiness and will totally go for it when they refer to me as "m'lady". I guess it's a free site, I can't expect much.

/met my ex online
//on GameFAQs

How YOU doin?

Seriously.

/h0t

BeccaWecca: Bonus is that you can meet some REALLY interesting people online.

Although at this point I have given up on meeting someone in my standard deviation -- hell, I just want someone on my half of the bell curve. Or scrounge someone up from under a local/convenient rock...

*sigh*

Stick to dating people near your own intelligence level. A large disparity in IQ is one of the few things I don't think a relationship can overcome. I think it's even tougher for women because most guys just absolutely freak when their girl our thinks them.

Sarcastica75

I need a purple suit... and some makeup.

/and a sombrero.

Throw in a talking parrot and a large plexiglass box full of red jello and we'd have the makings for a wild night

TheDirtyNacho: PinkGrapefruit: URAPNIS: Actually, it makes the recipient feel worse because he may think, "aww, crap! Are these moose faced, window licking, mouth breathers the only ones interested in me?"

That is definitely my thought most days when I log onto OkCupid. There are some occasional attractive guys, but most of the messages I get are from the slightly chubby set with one picture that obscures their face so people can't tell that they're ugly. Somehow most of these geniuses expect that because I mention video games in my profile, I'm going to be charmed by their obnoxious proclamations of geekiness and will totally go for it when they refer to me as "m'lady". I guess it's a free site, I can't expect much.

/met my ex online
//on GameFAQs


I've found charging a modest fee eliminates a huge number of losers on dating sites. Not all of them of course, but chances are if you just paid almost $100 or more for 6 months of membership, the other people can at least hold a job and have something resembling social skills. Many are even physically attractive - with jobs that require odd hours or are tired of meeting people in bars.

You're probably right, but I'm not old enough and it hasn't been long enough since my last relationship ended that I feel like I actually want to spend the kind of money they ask on pay sites. Maybe in another five years if I'm still single and can deal with the pathetic feeling that would come with paying the internet to find me a date.

URAPNIS:
How YOU doin, m'lady?


FTFY

Dee Snarl: URAPNIS:
How YOU doin, m'lady?


FTFY

Whew! Thanks! It's that first impression that always makes the difference. I'm sooo in.

Rules for women over 30:

1. Smile.
2. Shave - everyplace.
3. Use copious deodorants.
4. Use the makeup and perfume lightly.
5. Expect to be performing a lot of fellatio.
6. Don't ever expect cunniliungus.
7. For god's sake, wear a bra! gravity is taking its toll every second!
8. Spend six hours a week running or at the gym.

In general, remember - all the good women were picked out and married and are having their babies now with their handsome, attractive good husbands. The best you, the leftover dross, can wish for is to wring a mediocre man out of the pile of retards and losers who will have you. If you presume that you look good or have a nice body - stop it. You're deluding yourself. If you had a hot body, you would have been married. You obviously have a substandard body OR you have a nasty attitude that keeps men from pledging them your lives. The more 'exotic' and 'exciting' you presume to be, the more horrible your personality defects.

In short, you all should all buy knee pads and line up along a bar and keep your mouth open and silent and pray that some drunken idiot brings you home and knocks you up, giving you some excuse to be attached to him for the rest of your life.

I never get tired of this one, because it sums up how I feel so perfectly.