I'm in.

Can I use urine?

To be fair, the choice was that or be teabagged by Keith Olbermann & John Stewart.

If they're taking bids on the chance to waterboard Sean Hannity, I'd like to open the bidding with all the money I will earn for the next year.

Lundah: To be fair, the choice was that or be teabagged by Keith Olbermann & John Stewart.

I'm still in. How much do we have to pay to see him teabagged and waterboarded?

I hope he has an accident and dies.

This will end badly awesomely.

Theaetetus: Lundah: To be fair, the choice was that or be teabagged by Keith Olbermann & John Stewart.

I'm still in. How much do we have to pay to see him teabagged and waterboarded?

I'm betting that if we took up a collection here on Fark, we could probably get at least $14.59 and a thumbdrive full of fine Japanese tentacle porn towards making it happen.

Oh my god, this will be the greatest-ever moment in TV punditry.

WE MUST MAKE THIS HAPPEN. Where do I donate? It's two great causes in one.
1. Supporting the families of soldiers (awesome.)
2. Sean Hannity voluntarily being tortured.

Can I get this in HD?!

Only if there are no safe words and the interrogation questions are chosen by internet poll.

Failing_Junk: Only if there are no safe words and the interrogation questions are chosen by internet poll.

He'll probably be waterboarded by Bill O'Reilly or some other right wing suck-up (and I'm sure they'll use and eye-dropper).

There's no donate button on the page. Where's the donate button?! WHERE?!?!

glenlivid: He'll probably be waterboarded by Bill O'Reilly or some other right wing suck-up (and I'm sure they'll use and eye-dropper).

He said he'd let Grodin do the waterboarding.

HANNITY: I'll do it for charity. I'll let you do it. I'll do it for the troops' families.

Where do I sign up?

Can I do it twice?

Can we do it after keeping him up for more than 180 hours and then throw him into some walls?

Pay-per-view?

I'll give him something to choke on.

/wait...

LOL this HAS to happen. And none of the fake crap like Tucker Carlson who promised to eat a shoe but ended up eating a cake of a shoe.

Here's what will happen: Hannity will try to lie through this in order to say that there's nothing wrong with waterboarding. This of course begs the question: if it was so harmless then why even bother with it to begin with?

It will be a stunt and not done correct. Now, if I had a chance to water board him, he would be telling me all about his cousin sally and what they did in the wood shack that summer.

183 times? By Iraqis?

The only good that could come from him being waterboarded, other than the money raised for the troops, would be if he came to realize that it really is torture and began to advocate for it to be ended.

Noone, no matter how evil they may be (and I'm not saying Hannity is evil, merely an asshole) deserves to be waterboarded for any reason.

I got a 5 spot that says he either doesn't do it or its something stupid like having someone dump a bucket of water on him.

or maybe one of those carnival things where he sits on a bench and someone throws a ball at a target that drops him in a tank of water.

MrTuffPaws: It will be a stunt and not done correct. Now, if I had a chance to water board him, he would be telling me all about his cousin sally and what they did in the wood shack that summer.


This. I don't know exactly how they did these techniques but I'd be willing to give it a shot.

Abstruse: glenlivid: He'll probably be waterboarded by Bill O'Reilly or some other right wing suck-up (and I'm sure they'll use and eye-dropper).

He said he'd let Grodin do the waterboarding.

HANNITY: I'll do it for charity. I'll let you do it. I'll do it for the troops' families.

Will they do it over 200 times?

What about stress positions, dogs, electricity, and slamming his dumbass into a wall with a leash around his neck?

I think the this is just another attempt from the right to make torture seem like a Disneyland ride, and to distract from the REALLY awful things that were done "in the name of America".

Stile4aly: The only good that could come from him being waterboarded, other than the money raised for the troops, would be if he came to realize that it really is torture and began to advocate for it to be ended.

Noone, no matter how evil they may be (and I'm not saying Hannity is evil, merely an asshole) deserves to be waterboarded for any reason.

For Hannity, I recommend a compromise: this unrepentant shameless liar of an asshole needs to get some soaking, but only until he begs mercy the second time. How's that for balance?

Tuco Benedicto Pacifico Juan Maria Ramirez: I got a 5 spot that says he either doesn't do it or its something stupid like having someone dump a bucket of water on him.

or maybe one of those carnival things where he sits on a bench and someone throws a ball at a target that drops him in a tank of water.

And we get to hear about it for the next f'n calendar year. "Hannity was waterboarded on national TV and he was fine! See? See?" Goddammitsomuch.

I hate what we've become.

Instead of waterboarding, I vote for the water torture used by the Inquisition. Here's how it works:

1. Stuff a silk rag down the subject's throat
2. Followed by a funnel
3. Pour water through the funnel until the subject is bloated beyond endurance (the Inquisition used between 5-10 liters)
4. Invert the subject so his feet are higher than his head. This brings all the pressure of the water in his stomach down on his lungs.
5. The rag prevents vomiting of the water.
6. If the subject refuses to confess, pull out the rag. The stomach and intestinal linings will adhere to the rag, causing tearing of the stomach and esophagus.
7. Repeat as necessary.

No matter how much he struggles and screams.. no matter how quickly it is over after he says the safety word.. no matter how terrible he truly thinks the experience was..

He'll go right back on TV after a couple days drinking it off and shill about how it was harmless and easy and he actually kind of liked it..and see? The right wing nut jobs who advocated its use are perfectly moral people and not hypocrits at all.

In fact, he'll be quite sure the people we used it on probably kinda liked it on some level.

If it's done by the same guys that did it 183 times to KSM and its not some stunt BS, honest to god, I'll donate $1000.

/won't ever happen for real

Holy shiat I'm getting wet here...

Could this open up a new door in TV broadcasting excellence?!

I'm willing to donate a thousand dollars to to this righteous cause.

I've so wanted to do this forever...

It's not torture you say? Then let's do it to you farker.

BTW, my question I would want answered is only one: "Is this torture."

I wouldn't stop till I got the answer I wanted, and I bet I could get it in a couple minutes...

That farker better do it.

Gyrfalcon: Instead of waterboarding, I vote for the water torture used by the Inquisition. Here's how it works:

1. Stuff a silk rag down the subject's throat
2. Followed by a funnel
3. Pour water through the funnel until the subject is bloated beyond endurance (the Inquisition used between 5-10 liters)
4. Invert the subject so his feet are higher than his head. This brings all the pressure of the water in his stomach down on his lungs.
5. The rag prevents vomiting of the water.
6. If the subject refuses to confess, pull out the rag. The stomach and intestinal linings will adhere to the rag, causing tearing of the stomach and esophagus.
7. Repeat as necessary.

Great Christian tradition right there!

I had something "a little different" in mind:

glenlivid:Will they do it over 200 times?

What about stress positions, dogs, electricity, and slamming his dumbass into a wall with a leash around his neck?

I think the this is just another attempt from the right to make torture seem like a Disneyland ride, and to distract from the REALLY awful things that were done "in the name of America".

I bet that's what he'll try:

Hannity: There, I took it, and I'm as stable and mentally whole as usual. What are you libs whining about?
Everyone with any sense: Um, that's not actually how it normally works.
Hannity: Of course it is, you silly America-hating terrorist lovers. America doesn't torture. Did that look like torture to you? ...no, wait, don't answer that. Everything's too harsh for you commies, even if it's not torture...

It's a classic "moving the goalposts" play.

There is no way in hell they will actually do this in the same manner as the detainees received it. No way....even if they did, the underlying premise is different. Tortured detainees don't know their fate and don't know when (OR IF) it will end. Hannity will be assured of its temporary nature, providing incentive to hold out.

FAIL.

How you do it right: Deny him sleep for days. Alternate the light / darkness cycle and the feeding regimen to completely remove any sort of referential date and time.. Keep the room cold enough that you can see your breath. Alternate black metal and children's albums at around 100db. Periodically rouse him with screaming and manhandling, only to throw him back in his cell. Culminate after 3-4 days with some marathon waterboarding sessions. Subject will cry like a schoolgirl.

What Hannity will do: Have some asshole splash him from a bucket while he has a rag on his face for something like five whole seconds. Hannity comes up with a smug smile on his face and a recycled talking point.

Book it. Done.

It's a classic "moving the goalposts" play.

I'm willing to also donate a thousand dollars to get an actual CIA agent to teach the dad from the Beethoven movies how to waterboard someone.

fritton: No matter how much he struggles and screams.. no matter how quickly it is over after he says the safety word.. no matter how terrible he truly thinks the experience was..

He'll go right back on TV after a couple days drinking it off and shill about how it was harmless and easy and he actually kind of liked it..and see? The right wing nut jobs who advocated its use are perfectly moral people and not hypocrits at all.

In fact, he'll be quite sure the people we used it on probably kinda liked it on some level.

That's my take too. But then will somebody ask him why, if it's so fun, is it used as an interrogation technique?

It's not because it tickles.

I got a 20 saying he's to much of a pansy to be seen upside down.

\I do think he's humping coultergiest though...
\\KO is gonna have a field day with this!
\\\Slashes...Arrrgggg...

It would be nice if they black-bagged him and threw him in a van, drove him to a warehouse then got a couple hard pipe-hitting muslims to see how brave he really is. Won't happen. It'll be a carnival atmosphere where everyone viewing will say "this isn't so bad".

Hannity will still cry like the baby he is though.

How can a person who believes themselves to be human and compassionate willingly choose to inflict torture upon someone else?

Or is torture okay when the victim doesn't agree with your ideology?

Now that would be $1,000 well spent.

/suck it, Joe the Plumber

Gangway Fathead: I hate what we've become.

bears repeating, bolding and enlarging

183 times in a month. Do it cuz you LOVE America, Sean!

I'm all for this. In fact, waterboard Glenn Beck too.

...farking Americans...