Old people point and laugh.

and have another drink.

/or three
//yup, looks good now!

in before tired Romero reference

Any happy married couple knows this.

Once again, the media mistaking correlation for cause-and-effect. The problem is clearly that they started with unrealistic plans.

Bring out the Gimp.

Heheh... "Balls".

Wait. I'm confused. Isn't that the whole point of being drunk?

Cyno01: They are linking it to teen pregnancy, so I think the answer to the owl would (regrettably) be "no."

This just in: Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina

Alcohol only gives you the courage and excuse to do things you wanted to do anyways.

That's why you get them really drunk and go anal.

Wow. The British media has got much more insightful content than the useless rags here in the colonies.

Do Tell?

In my job, I regularly interact with Mrs. Kuntz, Ms. Butts, Mr. Klitzke, and Dr Vijay Jay.

Also, there seems to be something wrong with that picture of the pregnant person in the article.

Deep thinker.

You don't say.

Teen Sex Linked To Drugs And Alcohol, Reports Center For Figuring Out Really Obvious Things (new window)



May 1, 2002 | Issue 38•16

BOSTON-A definitive causal relationship exists between drug and alcohol use and teen sex, the Center For Figuring Out Really Obvious Things reported Monday.


Enlarge Image
Teens drinking.
The four-year, $3.5 million study, which examined the substance-abuse and sexual habits of more than 2,500 American teens, is regarded as one of the most "no-duh"-inducing in the center's history.

"Our exhaustive research clearly confirms that U.S. youths between the ages of 13 and 18 who drink and/or use drugs are more likely to be sexually active," said Dr. Gerald Eckersley, director of the Boston-based organization. "This may be our most significant finding since the landmark 1978 study that found a link between habitual chocolate consumption and weight gain."

"Our research shows that the inhibition-lowering properties of recreational drugs and alcohol cause those who use them to behave with less restraint, making sex among young people more likely to occur," Eckersley continued. "Gee, I bet you never would've guessed that."

The report went on to state that some teens may actually seek out drugs and alcohol for the express purpose of lowering their inhibitions and facilitating sex-a phenomenon well known to parents and teens alike for countless generations.

"Teens are not only having sex drunk or high, but they're also getting drunk or high to increase their chances of having sex," Eckersley said. "Interestingly, we found that this phenomenon also occurs among adults, as well as among every population everywhere in the world that has ever existed since the dawn of time."

To help spread word of its findings, the Center For Figuring Out Really Obvious Things sent a TelePrompTer-ready press release to more than 400 local TV-news affiliates across the U.S. Along with the press release, the stations received stock video footage of beer displays and teens smoking and drinking at parties.

"As a teaser for newscasters presenting this story, I would recommend, 'Think you know everything about teen sex and alcohol? Think again-a new study is out, and the findings may surprise you. Coming up next,'" Eckersley said. "Although, of course, the findings won't actually surprise you."

Founded in 1959, the Center For Figuring Out Really Obvious Things is among the world's leaders in stating the obvious. Operating under the motto Lumen Redundas, or "To Cast The Light Of Knowledge On The Already Well-Known," it has conducted non-groundbreaking research on a wide variety of self-evident phenomena.

Among the center's most notable non-discoveries are the 1974 determination that cars contribute to urban smog, the 1981 conclusion that taking the stairs burns more calories than taking the elevator, and the landmark 1997 finding that infidelity causes friction in marriages.

In spite of the center's sterling reputation, some of its findings, which seemed obvious at the time, are now considered inaccurate. A 1963 study, for example, confirmed that sugar was good for children's health because it gave their "growing bodies the pep and energy they need." Another example is the since-refuted 1972 study finding dairy foods to be "heart-healthy."

Still, Eckersley insisted that the center's research methods are "overwhelmingly reliable."

"I feel confident in the center's ability to determine the validity of virtually any obvious claim," Eckersley said. "It goes without saying, however, that even the best people in any line of study occasionally make mistakes. But even though it goes without saying, we here at the Center For Figuring Out Really Obvious Things are saying it anyway, in a $4.2 million study that will definitively prove this Even-The-Best-People-Sometimes-Make-Mistakes theory."

Yup. None of us have ever, I mean ever done anything with anyone that we didn't feel like bragging about the next day. Not me, 'cos every single drunken sexual encounter I've ever had has been with a 9 or a 10 who went on to brag to her friends about my man-prowess. Yup. That's what happened. Furthermore, all of my conquests have been at or below 120 lbs.

I_Love_Verdi: Any happy married couple knows this.

Ahhhh, anal.

dl1137: Teen Sex Linked To Drugs And Alcohol, Reports Center For Figuring Out Really Obvious Things (new window)

I both laugh and die a little inside when Onion articles come true.

Stay Cool Babylon: Yup. None of us have ever, I mean ever done anything with anyone that we didn't feel like bragging about the next day. Not me, 'cos every single drunken sexual encounter I've ever had has been with a 9 or a 10 who went on to brag to her friends about my man-prowess. Yup. That's what happened. Furthermore, all of my conquests have been at or below 120 lbs.

Life is too short to regret the occasional drunk whaling.

/Notch on the bedpost

With their girlfriends in that other city, you wouldn't know them.

wow, really?? that would explain all the bars in my city...

I'm in college.

/laughing at old people
//and secksing

Stay Cool Babylon: 'cos every single drunken sexual encounter I've ever had has been with a 9 or a 10...

Have a seat...

ScottHimself: /laughing at old people

Cause you know SOOOOO much more about it

This almost deserves higher level of obvious tag..

Stay Cool Babylon: Yup. None of us have ever, I mean ever done anything with anyone that we didn't feel like bragging about the next day. Not me, 'cos every single drunken sexual encounter I've ever had has been with a 9 or a 10>/b> who went on to brag to her friends about my man-prowess. Yup. That's what happened. Furthermore, all of my conquests have been at or below 120 lbs.

Steve, we need to talk, man...

Oops. Never mind. Shoulda' just posted a picture of the bear.

/the goggles, they finally do something.

Nah...her buttocks are too pointy.

A willing female in your bed while stricken with whiskey dick is no way to go through life, son.

Killer Cars: A willing female in your bed while stricken with whiskey dick is no way to go through life, son.

Thank god there's no such thing as pot cawk.

bighasbeen: Killer Cars: A willing female in your bed while stricken with whiskey dick is no way to go through life, son.

Thank god there's no such thing as pot cawk.

A thousand times this. Stoned secks is one of life's greatest pleasures. Not that secks isn't great sober, but getting blazed and getting it on every once in a while is one hell of a treat.

/haven't done that in a while
//not the pot part
///the secksing part
//wish it was the other way around
/slashies for sadness

washburnmb4: bighasbeen: Killer Cars: A willing female in your bed while stricken with whiskey dick is no way to go through life, son.

Thank god there's no such thing as pot cawk.

A thousand times this. Stoned secks is one of life's greatest pleasures. Not that secks isn't great sober, but getting blazed and getting it on every once in a while is one hell of a treat.

/haven't done that in a while
//not the pot part
///the secksing part
//wish it was the other way around
/slashies for sadness

Anyone else laugh when they orgasm after doing this?

His name is Ed, but everybody calls him "Old Blue".

Karma Chameleon: washburnmb4: bighasbeen: Killer Cars: A willing female in your bed while stricken with whiskey dick is no way to go through life, son.

Thank god there's no such thing as pot cawk.

A thousand times this. Stoned secks is one of life's greatest pleasures. Not that secks isn't great sober, but getting blazed and getting it on every once in a while is one hell of a treat.

/haven't done that in a while
//not the pot part
///the secksing part
//wish it was the other way around
/slashies for sadness

Anyone else laugh when they orgasm after doing this?

Only when I'm so far gone that "SHAAAAZAAAM!" pops into my head right as I blow.

/Good for me

Wait, are they planning when they're drunk? Or are they planning to have sex before they get drunk, and then it all goes terribly wrong?

/What happened to journalism?

bighasbeen: Karma Chameleon: washburnmb4: bighasbeen: Killer Cars: A willing female in your bed while stricken with whiskey dick is no way to go through life, son.

Thank god there's no such thing as pot cawk.

A thousand times this. Stoned secks is one of life's greatest pleasures. Not that secks isn't great sober, but getting blazed and getting it on every once in a while is one hell of a treat.

/haven't done that in a while
//not the pot part
///the secksing part
//wish it was the other way around
/slashies for sadness

Anyone else laugh when they orgasm after doing this?

Only when I'm so far gone that "SHAAAAZAAAM!" pops into my head right as I blow.

Holy crap, I thought I was the only one who did that.

bighasbeen: Only when I'm so far gone that "SHAAAAZAAAM!" pops into my head right as I blow.

/Good for me

You too?

Wow, this is real useful information. You mean your odds of getting lucky go up when she drinks? No!!

Hell, my wife of 12 years still drinks before sex. She says it's better. I don't care. I just buy wine by the case and keep lots of beer in the fridge.

T-Boy: Wow, this is real useful information. You mean your odds of getting lucky go up when she drinks? No!!

Hell, my wife of 12 years still drinks before sex. She says it's better. I don't care. I just buy wine by the case and keep lots of beer in the fridge.

So, she has to be in an altered state to enjoy your prowess?

/kidding!! I just couldn't pass it up. It is a failing of mine.

not entirely sure what I did up there to get a deleted comment. Whatever it was, it was an accident. Aaah, it was when I referenced the "I smelled fish." Got it.

/seriously thought I had done something horribly wrong
//wonders if there is a place where legendary banninations are discussed, archived, etc

Ed Balls. Perfect. I once worked with a Dr. Dick. I'd kill for that name.

Yeah (*sigh*), it's kind of hard to get her to do the A2M and filching with her sister and and me when she's sober...

My husband and I both frequently have fits of laughter towards the end of an orgasm, high or not. I guess it has to do with the release of tension. Always feels stupid.