Wait just a minute!!!!!

A CRACKED.com list that occupied only ONE PAGE?????????

Color me amazed (and happy... I actually like cracked.com lists)

Pretty good stuff. I Usually like their lists as well. And this one has the added bonus of ticking off the right people to make the comments section all that more entertaining.

My virus scanner detected something when going to this page, FYI.

I enjoy Cracked. It kills time at work.

Cracked sucks and that list war boring. Less crappy verbage and more pictures.

texdent
I enjoy Cracked. It kills time at work.

Yea, be a biatch to actually deliver WORK for money wouldn't it?

RealAmericanHero: My virus scanner detected something when going to this page, FYI.

Seconded

+1 for use of the word "nutter"
-1 for calling Frankenstein's monster Frankenstein

Can 2009 be the year "Protip:" is retired?

I have gotten attacked by viruses a few times on Cracked.com. Anyone know what is up with that?

The Safar Institute mentioned in the article sounds like the movie flatliners!

kelliebear18: I have gotten attacked by viruses a few times on Cracked.com. Anyone know what is up with that?

Yeah I got Herpes from Cracked too, it's kinda how that site works.

Wrong_Intentions: kelliebear18: I have gotten attacked by viruses a few times on Cracked.com. Anyone know what is up with that?

Yeah I got Herpes from Cracked too, it's kinda how that site works.

Wrong crack.

We must destroy the vampires by burning down Hot Topic

I usually enjoy Cracked articles, but this one was pretty weak.

TheNick: RealAmericanHero: My virus scanner detected something when going to this page, FYI.

Seconded

Thirded...I received a warning from AVG and from my Chrome browser as soon as I visited the site. WTF Cracked, you used to be cool.

ArkAngel: We must destroy the vampires by burning down Hot Topic

Dont let it steal your soul away ..


burn it down ... hot topic ..

/Want that mp3
//balances cred with both old school goths, and vamps. `

/got nuthin'

baercat: Wrong_Intentions: kelliebear18: I have gotten attacked by viruses a few times on Cracked.com. Anyone know what is up with that?

Yeah I got Herpes from Cracked too, it's kinda how that site works.

Wrong crack.

HAHA. Took me a minute, but I got it now!

That clip of the two-headed dog was all kinds of messed up.

The rest of the article was standard cracked.com "meh."

RogermcAllen: +1 for use of the word "nutter"
-1 for calling Frankenstein's monster Frankenstein

Read it again. FTFA:

"The monster made by Frankenstein...More than any other monster, Frankenstein's ...."

Come on, give Cracked its point back!

"She turned me into a Newt!"



"....well it got better."

That two headed dog video was truly disturbing. I'm going to go pet my dog now.

Rude Turnip:
WTF Cracked, you used to be cool.

They were never cool.

Cuing hot vampyre chick pix in 3 .. 2 ..

So here is what i remember from random places & sources about the history of these six;

6. Vampires: Times were, if you were anemic, you drank blood to help it. And if you were light sensitive? Ya, you were a vampire.

5. Werewolves: The hair thing, that's where it came from.

4. Zombies: People *do* wake up from comas; ergo the zombie myth. Not that they're not cool, but ya....

3. Frankenstein: Hell, we literally do this now. Remember the chick with the reconstructed face?

2. Demons/possession: Any number of modern medical conditions, from schizophrenia to insulin shock to Tourette's, can account for these. Hell, one theory out there is that the Salem witchcraft hysteria was caused by ergotism, aka bad potatoes!

1. Witches: it's called KARMA. You piss off the wrong person and suddenly anything that goes wrong is immediately blamed on the "witch" that you pissed off.

Notable doctors of mayhem have included Vladimir Demikhov who decided to sew an extra head onto a dog and see what would happen.

Somehow I see a kid playing with firecrackers in his bedroom...

If you can think of a cooler pet than a dog that's had all of its blood drained, replaced by freezing saline and then brought back to life three hours after dying, it better be a monkey butler because nothing else fits the bill.

This is why I love Cracked.

The two headed dog is going to haunt my dreams tonight.

Oh, Science, when will you ever learn? Just because you can do something doesn't always mean you should. You may have the growing knowledge of a god but not the powers of one. That is, if you fark up horribly and globally you can't undo your mistake and return as if nothing happened.

That poor dog. Poor, poor dog.

/waiting for an accidental science created plague in 3...2...

"Most modern adherents of Wicca are actually just hippies and art students who really enjoyed Buffy the Vampire Slayer and apply the name to anyone who has a passing interest in Neopagan beliefs or a kind of Earth Spirit mentality."

In other words:

"Bunch of wanna-blessed-bees. Nowadays every girl with a henna tattoo and a spice rack thinks she's a sister to the dark one." - Willow

re: comments about cracked and virus warnings...

Last week, just before leaving work for the xmas holidays, I was browsing and reading Fark, and somehow got a virus that bypassed the SEP and everything else we had installed. This thing broke everything, installed two different scam "virus protection tools" (one was winscenter.exe - the other I forget), and nothing would clear it out. Both my boss and I tried everything for hours to clean this thing. Nothing worked - it would ALWAYS come back, real quick.

My box was running XP SP3 and I was browsing with IE7 (both in my opinion are the main causes for viruses - had we been running *nix and Firefox, or just Firefox alone, this never would have occurred). In the end (after many hours over the holiday trying to rescue the box), we just got a new drive and reinstalled the system, then copied various non-executable data files over from the old drive.

I don't blame Fark - I blame the shiatty excuse of an OS called Windows, coupled with the psycho software developers out there who feel the need to create exploits that cripple our machines, rather than doing something creative and constructive with their skills (I mean, seriously, if you are going to create a virus, at least make it something that does something USEFUL, instead of destructive - I should say, useful for everyone, because obviously these things are useful to someone - for SPAMing, botnets, etc).

There is some exploit out there that is allowing this infection via simply browsing a site (I wonder if it is Flash based) - and bypassing just about any well updated virus scanners (we kept our SEP up-to-date). I don't know what it is, but if you care about your system, either get off of Windows or at least move to using something other than IE and Outlook (just for good measure).

This is much the same as saying if Superman fought Spiderman for real, Superman would win.

Well DUH!

FriarReb98: So here is what i remember from random places & sources about the history of these six;

6. Vampires: Times were, if you were anemic, you drank blood to help it. And if you were light sensitive? Ya, you were a vampire.

5. Werewolves: The hair thing, that's where it came from.

4. Zombies: People *do* wake up from comas; ergo the zombie myth. Not that they're not cool, but ya....

3. Frankenstein: Hell, we literally do this now. Remember the chick with the reconstructed face?

2. Demons/possession: Any number of modern medical conditions, from schizophrenia to insulin shock to Tourette's, can account for these. Hell, one theory out there is that the Salem witchcraft hysteria was caused by ergotism, aka bad potatoes!

1. Witches: it's called KARMA. You piss off the wrong person and suddenly anything that goes wrong is immediately blamed on the "witch" that you pissed off.

Actually, vampires originally looked like bloated corpses and were an explanation for why a disease would kill entire families. Somehow or other they got sexy over the years.

The list is supposed to be of bizarre versions, yet number 1 is by far the least bizarre.

/fail.

Izvara: Actually, vampires originally looked like bloated corpses and were an explanation for why a disease would kill entire families. Somehow or other they got sexy over the years.

So Anne Rice is kicking it old school?

texdent: I enjoy Cracked. It kills time at work.

/ftfm

2 headed vampire zombie dog is coming for you!

FriarReb98:
Actually, vampires originally looked like bloated corpses and were an explanation for why a disease would kill entire families. Somehow or other they got sexy over the years.

I find it funny when vampire "purists" get all pissy over things like vampires in daylight, but have no issue with vampires crossing a body of moving water.

Although zombies have somehow gained the desire for human flesh over the years, so I guess these things happen.

Real-life vampirism ^{(^)} (see link):

- pale skin
- photosensitivity
- necrosis of skin and receding gumlines (creating pronounced canine teeth)
- drinking of blood to counteract heme deficiency

this was kind of interesting, but it was far from their best.

"I crave human blood and my parents' respect!" made me laugh though.

Shouldn't cult leaders who think they're Jesus be on this list?

/Haven't read the Bible in awhile, so I could be wrong about this.

For #4, Frankenstein (science) is more common than we think. It has more polite names however like genetic engineering.

/I for one welcome our spliced cat-dog-monkey overloads.

People who think they're vampires are completely misunderstanding the most important part of old vampire lore: A vampire is a REANIMATED CORPSE. Not a superhuman. What this means in practical terms is that the person who WAS in that body is DEAD. DEAD. DEAD. Their brain was shut down, and they ceased to exist. They are well and truly gone, and the creature that walks around in their body is NOT THAT PERSON, but a horrible mockery of them that preys upon the living.

Of course, Anne Rice and other modern vampire romance writers have completely thrown out the idea that when you become a vampire it's because YOU DIED and everything you were ceases to exist, and instead made it so vampirism is a happy little magical disease (or genetic legacy) that just turns you into a beautiful, pale superhuman who remembers being alive, and is in fact no different from when you were human. The only loss involved with modern "vampires" is that they can't go sunbathing.

Any jackass who declares themselves a vampire needs to be kicked in the knees. First, for being a farking attention-whore, and second, for not knowing jack-shiat about vampire lore, yet claiming to be one.

The best part of the article was this in the comment section:

"So, basically what modern witches have done is take a word that for hundreds of years meant something, then decided it didn't mean that, then got offended if you used the word the way it, you know, actually means?"

If I were a vampire, I'd go down to the mall and strut in front of mirrors, doing the John Cleeves Funny Walk, in a clown suit, singing the "Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy" song from Ren & Stimpey and when I had gathered a crowd of Goths I would give 'em the Double Vampire Fang Salute and tell 'em I wouldn't eat them for brunch if they were wrapped in pancakes filled with scrambled eggs then wrapped in three kinds of bacon, smothered in whipped cream, maple syrup and fresh macedoine de fruits, with a bottomless cup of coffee.

Romanticism deeply annoys me. I'm an Eighteenth Century Enlightenment kind of guy.

The bit in DRACULA where Whozit catches Count Dracula making his guest's bed was good for a few giggles. Somebody had to make the bed, didn't they? They don't make themselves. And the Count was the only person in the castle apart from his guest, so it had to be him, didn't it?

SPOILER ALERT:

Edgar Allen Poe had the right idea when he made the hero of one of his stories a young dentist who loses his true-love to vampirism. You can figure out the rest of the story yourself.

I've read shelves of Gothic classics but I always find them a little bit silly or hysterical depending on how badly or well they are written. THE GOLEM and FRANKENSTEIN are two of the best because they deal with something besides neurotic sexual repression.

In the late XIXth century novel, THE BEETLE, the latent homoeroticism is so crude and blatant that it's a laugh-out-loud fest from the beginning to the middle (I haven't finished it). It's the Liberace of horror stories. In order to be a Vault Queen, you have to have a Vault. Or at least a shallow grave.

I find horror stories very soothing provided they were written before 1940 in the "good writing" tradition of the UK and the USA (also found in other countries, but less often translated). Without sexual repression and cultural taboos, Goth and Horror literature dry up.

It's no accident that the TWILIGHT series was written by a Mormon. Vampires and Mormons, oh my! Never, never invite them in. That also goes for Jehovah's Witnesses, insurance salesmen, etc.

There's nothing wrong with being pale and bored as long as you're not evangelical about it.

Wow... Just wow. That vampire site they link to is just about the saddest thing I have eve read. The "problems for vampires" section is amazing.

Attention High School Goths:

You are not a vampire... No matter how much you want to be, you will never be a vampire, you are an idiot.

Good day.

Some people have no discipline at the all-you-can-eat pasta buffet.

One fine day with a woof and a purr
a baby was born and it cause a little stir
no blue buggy
no three-eyed frog
just a feline kanine little catdog

HOGWASH, FROGWASH AND DOGWASH. . . topped with bull crap, horse crap and several other kinds of crap.

Here comes the science:

1. VAMPIRES: These are real, at least insofar as rabies is real; consider the connection between bats, caves, biting people and geting infected---all as seen through superstitious eyes. It is as good a description of rabiues as you aqre likely to see.

2. WEREWOLVES: This is a rare condition precipitated by a chronic vitamin deficiency, and doesn't occur very often in the modern world. Main victims were usually people who lived an isolated existence in the far northland; periodically one would come wandering out of the mountans, hence the legend.

3. ZOMBIES: like vampires, these are also real; a Haitian witch doctor administers a poison to people he doesn't like, they fall into a coma for three days or so, then "awake", and seem to suffer brain damage. The poison comes from some rare variety of tropical fish, and thanks to the lack of scientific inquiry, modern medicine is likely missing out on a valuable therapeutic agent.

4. WITCHES: These are real, and either have no power, or quite a bit, depending on how well educated they are. What you call a "witch" is actually a primitive doctor or therapist, practicing tao kinds of therapy: "white magic," to cure disease, and "black magic," which is the administration of poison. To keep the trade secrets secret, magic and mumbo-jumbo were used to confuse the commoners.

5. DEMONS: These do not exist, but brain tumors definitely do. People who were acting silly or illogically for some reason were often misdiagnosed with demons, instead of the real ailment.