This will not have a happy ending.

Wow, the previous world's oldest person was just named so this past week. It's as if every person they name "the oldest" is being recognized by the reaper, and he's saying "Oh yeah, I should have got to that person a long time ago. Thanks for the heads up."

The number one cause of death in America is birth.

It's a Mr. Death, dear. He's here about the reaping.

Baines -- born to former slaves in a small town south of Atlanta, Georgia, in 1894

Whoa!

Chris P. Bacon: This will not have a happy ending.

You're looking to a 114-year old woman for a "happy ending?" You sick bastard!

Whatever blows your hair back, I guess.

She spends most of her time eating and sleeping. Like a big baby, I guess. I hope I die before I get that old. At least the article says she was talkative and cheerful. I went to my boyfriend's family's Christmas celebration this year and his grandma was there. Biatch was crazy, she didn't know what was going on or anything. Poor old lady, she kept accusing everyone of selling her house and stealing things. She's 90 something and they won't let her have more than one cig a day. Farking criminal. Like she's going to die of lung cancer or some shiat.

She spends most of her time eating and sleeping.

What? That's how I spend most of my time, and I'm only 39.

"... met with certain death ..."

As opposed to all of us who will never do so?

Biff Spiffy: The number one cause of death in America is birth.

And the number one cause of divorce is marriage.

Can I still be the creepiest?

Hand me that hed. It happened again.

seiD nosreP tsedlO s'dlroW

I like how she voted for Obama because he is black. So she's racist too.

In other news, the world's youngest person was just born.

Would you really want to outlive your friends, your children and even most of your grandchildren? Yuck...

/although her only child died half a century ago

vice_magnet: I like how she voted for Obama because he is black. So she's racist too.

I like that she said he was for the "colored people." Anyone else but the daughter of slaves said that and the media would crucify them on the spot.

Hoopy Frood: In other news, the world's youngest person was just born.

Not to brag, but I used to hold that title.

FriarReb98: vice_magnet: I like how she voted for Obama because he is black. So she's racist too.

I like that she said he was for the "colored people." Anyone else but the daughter of slaves said that and the media would crucify them on the spot.

They even went out of the way to explain why she said that in the article.

"Baines apparently prefers using the older term for her race. She was well into her 70s when "African-American" became the common reference in the United States"

you can't outlive the world's oldest person while they're alive

RanDomino: you can't outlive the world's oldest person while they're alive

Which is why they keep getting killed.

/it's a conspiracy

Meanwhile, Lazarus Long relaxes on his hammock, adjusts his kilt, and cracks open another cold one.

They need to stop giving out that award. It's like it's cursed or something. Everyone they give it to dies afterward.

Shouldn't she be in Florida?

Jeez, imagine being so old that a word that came into being when you were in your 70s had completely replaced the previous one by the time you died.

/that's farking old

Oops. I read that wrong.

Whatever, she's still old.