Gross.

I give them five years.

CHARLESTON, SC-John and Linda McCue, joined in holy matrimony Sunday before friends, family and their Lord at Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church, said the incredibly awkward wedding-night consummation of their love was "well worth the wait."

"I'm so glad we waited until we got married-it made it so much more special," said the 26-year-old Linda, who is "pretty sure" John's penis penetrated her vaginal opening during the brief, fumbling lovemaking session. "I can't imagine what a letdown our first sexual experience would have been if we'd done it at some point during our five years of dating."

John, 27, agreed. "As I prepared, sweat-drenched and terror-struck, to insert my semi-erect penis into my petrified new bride, I couldn't help but think what a precious, magical moment it was. Then, as Linda started to cry out from the anticipation of pain from the first-ever breaching of her tightly constricted vaginal walls, a tear of joy streamed down my cheek."

According to the devout Lutherans, after retiring to their bridal suite at the Charleston Marriott East, Linda decided to initiate the evening of romance and dread by excusing herself to the bathroom, where she spent "approximately an hour" changing into the floor-length cotton nightgown she had purchased especially for the occasion.

Recalled John: "When I saw Linda emerge from the bathroom, a vision in billowing, opaque cloth, her head and hands peeking tantalizingly from the tight collar and cuffs, the moment we first fell in love came rushing back to me in a wave of adoration and fear."

After an estimated 45 minutes spent in prayer and devotionals to ensure the smoothest possible act of coitus, John made sure the windows and doors were all securely locked, and that all windowshades and blinds were closed. He then reached to his nightstand to turn out the lights "to contribute to the feeling of romance" and "because Linda refused to let me touch her nightgown until the room was completely dark."

Trembling in giddy anticipation and fright, the longtime couple climbed under the sheets and blankets, where John took his place on top of his blushing, sobbing bride.

"As with millions of young newlyweds who haven't yet had sex," John said, "there was some nervousness and confusion at first. But after a couple of minutes, we figured out that it would be easier if Linda separated her legs to facilitate entry."

Penile insertion was somewhat complicated by John's refusal to assist the navigation process by touching himself-an act the Bible strictly prohibits-but a few more minutes of unsteady shifting and jabbing enabled his penis to "almost certainly" enter Linda.

Having at last achieved probable sexual congress, the couple was brought to new heights of nervous, clumsy passion. "As I ran my trembling hands over John's rigid shoulders," Linda said, "I said a prayer thanking our Lord Jesus for giving us the strength to wait for this wonderful, fulfilling moment. It certainly was every bit as special as I'd hoped."

Added Linda: "I'm sure the first time isn't anywhere near as magical for all those young people who don't save themselves for marriage. Now I know why God wanted us to wait."

As the sexual act wore on, Linda said it grew gloriously tolerable, describing the experience as "endurable beyond my wildest dreams."

"Toward the end," she said, "I was almost relaxed enough to enjoy myself, and then, of course, John ejaculated." Linda declined to elaborate on her new husband's sexual climax, but said, "I can definitely say that the encounter, which yesterday would have been an unforgivable sin in the eyes of God, was noticeably pleasurable, and probably even somewhat erotic in nature."

John agreed wholeheartedly, calling their wedding-night union "the most exciting minutes of my life." Immediately after finishing, the newlyweds took turns showering.

As for the future of the couple's sex life, John said he is full of hope. "I'd like to maybe try actually touching Linda's vagina with my hand at some point," he said. "Then again, I don't want to rush things. Also, I've heard that the vagina kind of smells bad."

"I certainly hope the Lord will now bless us with a child after this wonderful night," Linda said. "If not, we may be forced to repeat this beautiful experience."

I was at a wedding where, before the kiss, they got together and preyed for several minutes.

BGates: I was at a wedding where, before the kiss, they got together and preyed for several minutes.

I hear that the Holy Spirit comes upon the couple that way, which is why the bride wears white.

BGates: I was at a wedding where, before the kiss, they got together and preyed for several minutes.

A predator wedding?

Skail: BGates: I was at a wedding where, before the kiss, they got together and preyed for several minutes.

A predator wedding?

Preyed on the soul of jesus.

Who gives a sh*t. Just because they thought it was sooo important doesn't mean the rest of us have to. Seriously, how full of yourself to you have to be to issue a motherf*cking press release saying "we're finally going to kiss!"

F*ck them. Couple of assholes.

I wish them all the best.

My brother and his wife waited until they got married. the ink on the wedding certificate was not even dry before they changed that.

They stopped by his house between the wedding and the reception to do the dirty deed.

/most not have been what they expected: they looked so freaking miserable when they got to the reception.

I always cry at weddings. For this one, though, I cry for any children they happen to bring into the world.

BGates: I was at a wedding where, before the kiss, they got together and preyed for several minutes.

Preyed on what? Duck? Deer? Ooh, wild boar?

but went a little further by agreeing not to kiss each other on the lips

Hmm. This leaves an awful lot of places left to be kissed, for the record.

I call bullschitt. They were as celibate as a Catholic priest. I bet is anyone investigated they'd find one of both of them have been farking anything that moves.

Benevolent Misanthrope: I call bullschitt. They were as celibate as a Catholic priest. I bet is anyone investigated they'd find one of both of them have been farking anything that moves.

Why? I's plausible. Hell, I know folks who abstained from sex until the wedding night so, if they are the AW's the article suggests then I have no trouble believing it.

"laudaniel, 30, and Melody, 28, had pledged to be abstinent before marriage"

That doesn't mean they didn't fark the shiat of everything else that moved, they were just abstinent with each other.

meekychuppet: Benevolent Misanthrope: I call bullschitt. They were as celibate as a Catholic priest. I bet is anyone investigated they'd find one of both of them have been farking anything that moves.

Why? I's plausible. Hell, I know folks who abstained from sex until the wedding night so, if they are the AW's the article suggests then I have no trouble believing it.

Fine. You can believe it if you like. Just like good Catholics believe that the priest in their parish couldn't possibly be like those other, BAD priests. Of parents think their son's English teacher couldn't possibly be one of those teachers who farks students.

Whatever makes you happy.

Benevolent Misanthrope: Fine. You can believe it if you like. Just like good Catholics believe that the priest in their parish couldn't possibly be like those other, BAD priests. Of parents think their son's English teacher couldn't possibly be one of those teachers who farks students.

You're an idiot. Nothing of what you say is at all relevant.

This is stupid.

I'm thinking about holding hands tomorrow. According to my preacher, thinking about it is the same as doing it.

Am I going to hell?

What I found odd was the bride's 7 year "no dating pledge".

What the hell kind of a pledge is that? I promise not to further my life because of some random pledge I made 7 years ago.

I guess that's what you get with the extremely religious. Lots of motions and gestures, but not a lot of thought.

Eat_At_Milliways: CHARLESTON, SC-John and Linda McCue, joined in holy matrimony Sunday before friends, family and their Lord at Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church, said the incredibly awkward wedding-night consummation of their love was "well worth the wait."

BRAVO!
/Favourited.

It's not that unusual.

/was given the book in high school to read
//laughed
///apparently I was supposed to take it seriously
//now I live in sin
/oh, and I'm bi

Now that's going to be an awkward wedding night. Oh, ow! Oh I'm sorry. No! Not there! Stop using your teeth!

Damn.

Anyone here see the movie "Teeth"?

good for them.

Eat_At_Milliways:

Best. Onion. Article. EVAR!

He was supposed to buy a book on the marital arts, but due to a misspelling conception failed to his repeatedly roundhouse kicking her in the face.

supernaturaltoe: Anyone here see the movie "Teeth"?

Yep. Loved it.

Benevolent Misanthrope: Fine. You can believe it if you like. Just like good Catholics believe that the priest in their parish couldn't possibly be like those other, BAD priests. Of parents think their son's English teacher couldn't possibly be one of those teachers who farks students.

therapy hasnt quite gotten you over the rage yet?

/get over it, or join the brotherhood - they probably miss your tight ass.

//its fun being an asshole on the internet. almost as fun as real life.

Why does this sound like something from the Onion?

KajakPro: Eat_At_Milliways: CHARLESTON, SC-John and Linda McCue, joined in holy matrimony Sunday before friends, family and their Lord at Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church, said the incredibly awkward wedding-night consummation of their love was "well worth the wait."

BRAVO!
/Favourited.

You do realize it's a theonion piece, right? (new window)

KajakPro: Eat_At_Milliways: CHARLESTON, SC-John and Linda McCue, joined in holy matrimony Sunday before friends, family and their Lord at Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church, said the incredibly awkward wedding-night consummation of their love was "well worth the wait."

BRAVO!
/Favourited.

I retract my earlier statement.

not_an_indigo: It's not that unusual.

/was given the book in high school to read
//laughed
///apparently I was supposed to take it seriously
//now I live in sin
/oh, and I'm bi

How YOU doin? =)

/greedy
//non-bi people are missing half the fun

They two of them are either liars or psychotic.

Eat_At_Milliways: CHARLESTON, SC-John and Linda McCue, joined in holy matrimony Sunday before friends, family and their Lord at Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church, said the incredibly awkward wedding-night consummation of their love was "well worth the wait."


The Onion FTW. I came in specifically for this reference. Thanks!

She's crazy not to take him out for a test drive before marriage. Possible scenarios: He's impotent. Or wants to watch hard core porn during all sexual encounters. Or he's into really rough sex. Or he asks her to take a cold bath first and then tells her to "lie real still."

sappy? no. try pathetic.

meekychuppet:



if it were me, i would give her 1 inch per year for a total of 9 years.

Shiat. I'm a man who hasn't taken an Abstinence Pledge and I haven't had a conjugal visit in six months.

Captain Fapdaily: I'm thinking about holding hands tomorrow. According to my preacher, thinking about it is the same as doing it.

Am I going to hell?

Yes. Even as we speak the devil himself is setting you a place at his table, where you will eat not but burning hot coals, and drink not but burning hot cola.

As a rule, if someone is raised in a very conservative environment, they develop one of three traits

1. They actually listen and remain pure until marriage
2. They wait for a while, but get into the weirdest/kinkiest stuff EVAR
3. The fark anything with an even number of legs

/Or some delightful combination thereof
//"I want to remain pure for marriage.... PUT IT IN MY EAR!!"

Those who follow that abstinence only shiat deserve to be cheated on.

He will put it in her pooper.

Life's good.

Does that Sex Ed teacher do FARK parties?

They will probably find out they're completely incompatible sexually. They have more hangups than a telemarketer.

Yeah yeah, I waited for my first husband like a good Christian^tm girl... and we didn't even get to do it on our wedding night because he was too tired. I quit school and my job to be a good wife. He cheated on me for 10 years with countless women before he divorced me to marry a woman with a pre-made family, since I had failed at giving him one. My mother still was angry at me for not making it work, because after all marriage is a contract with God.

Did the priest check the sheets afterwords to make sure?

Snarcoleptic_Hoosier: As a rule, if someone is raised in a very conservative environment, they develop one of three traits

1. They actually listen and remain pure until marriage
2. They wait for a while, but get into the weirdest/kinkiest stuff EVAR
3. The fark anything with an even number of legs

/Or some delightful combination thereof
//"I want to remain pure for marriage.... PUT IT IN MY REAR!!"

FTFY

There are a few porn stars that only do anal because they're catholic and want to save themselves. One is some black girl from Italy whose name escapes me.

To them all I can say is:

Subby Newlywed couple, who are both abstinence teachers, kiss for the first time. Sex Ed teacher to join them on their honeymoon

Couple is singular (collective noun), yet you used plural verbs.
Unless you're British (as we know, British are forgetting how to speak English), then it would be better to say: "Newlyweds, who are both abstinence teachers, kiss for the first time."; or, less elegantly: "Newlywed, couple of abstinence teachers, kisses for the first time."

/grammar Nazi
// needs a life