I read my 5 year old kid the Fark comments before bedtime. He's now in intensive therapy and the psychiatrist said he should recover nicely.

I know several people that need how-to's on just speaking in general.

skinink: I read my 5 year old kid the Fark comments before bedtime. He's now in intensive therapy and the psychiatrist said he should recover nicely.

I'm worried that, when I have children, I'm going to come home and find my five-year old moppet posting on Fark as one of the more notorious trolls.

I like chikens Eddie...

and my helmut

It's an article from Fla. so the possibility for the helpful advice to amount to nothing more than "Read a Motherf*cking book (new window)" is pretty high.

Read the article and it turns out I was right.

/It's called SpeedStick, it's not expensive

Do not start with "Dear Penthouse Letters, I never thought it could happen to me..."

I dare say there's many a child who begins their life in homes without nary a book.

/Maybe a TV guide, that's it.



Kids LOVE to be read to.

After reading the article, I was left wondering who could possibly read a book to a child *without* using sound effects and different voices.

Step 1. Make sure your stories don't start with "Dear Penthouse, I never thought this would happen to me but..."

Step 2. Use funny voices.

All you need to know.

Because this is something that needs explaining

In florida it does.

Wow. I actually read all of those picture books to my 2-year old every night. Knuffle Bunny Too is hilarious. Mo Willems is a genius.

/thinks this information is necessary for crap parents who don't read to their kids
//The Princess Bride by William Goldman blows. One of the few times where the movie was better.

This is Florida. They move their lips when they read, so they're halfway there already!

Damn I type slow.

you win IXI jim IXI

Don't read the same type of book over and over.

Uh, yeah. I'm willing to bet that most people who have read to small children on a regular basis have had an experience similar to mine. The kid insists not just on the same type of book, but on the very same book, over and over again.

And over and over yet again.

Now I don't feel like a dork for having The Very Hungry Caterpillar memorized so I can recite it to my toddler on cross-town drives.

/complete with sound effects and silly voices
//OM NOM NOM NOM
///hearing "moooooore ca-pillar?" for the 2348673rd time in one trip is annoying, but too cute to resist

The target demo of this article are not the type of folk to read the newspaper in the first place.

Mayhem of the Black Underclass: It's an article from Fla. so the possibility for the helpful advice to amount to nothing more than "Read a Motherf*cking book (new window)" is pretty high.

Read the article and it turns out I was right.

/It's called SpeedStick, it's not expensive

Thank you so much for this link. I lol'd hard.

Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day
Tacky the Penguin
Berenstein Bears (yea trite, but they loved it)
Thomas the Tank Engine (same)
Original Winnie the Pooh from 1935.... I do awesome voices.

Eventually we moved on to reading the first 5 Harry Potter books out loud cover to cover several times. Thank $deity I didn't have to read LotR!

Secret Agent X23: The kid insists not just on the same type of book, but on the very same book, over and over again.

I remember those days well. I could never get enough of Where The Wild Things Are as a kid.

simusid:Thank $deity I didn't have to read LotR!

That's a shame.

simusid: Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day
Tacky the Penguin
Berenstein Bears (yea trite, but they loved it)
Thomas the Tank Engine (same)
Original Winnie the Pooh from 1935.... I do awesome voices.

Eventually we moved on to reading the first 5 Harry Potter books out loud cover to cover several times. Thank $deity I didn't have to read LotR!

The entire LotR is probably the same length as HP 4 + 5 combined.

simusid: Eventually we moved on to reading the first 5 Harry Potter books out loud cover to cover several times. Thank $deity I didn't have to read LotR!

Ha, try the Silmarillion. That'll put you BOTH down in a hurry.

pmhauge: //The Princess Bride by William Goldman blows. One of the few times where the movie was better.

It's not that it blows. It's that Goldman wrote both book and screenplay at the same time, and had different goals with each. The movie was intended to be the kid's version, as it's being read to a kid by his granddad, who tells you in the movie itself that he's cutting out stuff. The book he's reading, and editing, is the same book Goldman wrote.

Which is intended to be a recursive bit of metahumor in and of itself. It's not something a kid would "get", and a lot of the humor you'd have to be a student of history to really understand. And that's not condescension; it's just that it's subtle and based on knowing a few obscure kinds of things, it's the historical version of the kind of humor in xkcd.

Not that I think it's some amazingly awesome piece of work, it's okay. I like both book and movie, but in entirely different ways, and they're improved by the existence of the other, since some of the humor in each requires that you have seen/read the other.

One of the best pieces of advice I've ever heard (and then passed along) is to keep books all over the house, not just in one spot. Put them in a basket on the floor, if possible, and the kid(s) will be pawing through them all the time.

The more you read the same book to a kid, the more likely they will be able to 'read' it to themselves as they start doing that independently (who cares if they've just memorized it, to them, they have the power to read!)

My son is now 15. If I leave things in the bathroom, he will read them and swipe them.

Secret Agent X23: Don't read the same type of book over and over.

Uh, yeah. I'm willing to bet that most people who have read to small children on a regular basis have had an experience similar to mine. The kid insists not just on the same type of book, but on the very same book, over and over again.

And over and over yet again.

Kids like, and need, repetition. There is nothing wrong with this. I read the same four books (with some minor variation) to my three year old every nice. He is probably the only three year old on the block that knows a baby platypus is called a puggle.

In the middle of reading "The Boy Penrod" by Booth Tarkington to my 5yo daughter, so I'm getting a kick, etc.

If you really want your child to learn, read the old-school stuff; all the baby talk books for toddlers are tripe. She also enjoys "There's a Hair in my Dirt" by gary larson. A classic.

If you can get through Fox In Socks out loud, you can do anything... anything at all.

/Seuss was a prophet

Goodman: There are a lot of little tricks to it, things you should have learned a long time ago. Such as, if you leave milk out, it can go sour. Put it in the refrigerator, or, failing that, a cool wet sack. And put your garbage in a garbage can, people. I can't stress that enough. Don't just throw it out the window.

Marge: This is so humiliating.
Homer: [writing furiously] "Garbage in garbage can"...hmm, makes sense.

Rule No. 1: Learn to read before your kids get married.
Oh, you're in Florida? Buy books on tape and open a beer.

Mandapants: My son is now 15. If I leave things in the bathroom, he will read them and swipe them.

Mine too, my Playboys and Hustlers always disapear. Not sure if I want them back as I've had to pry the pages apart.

/doesn't really have a son

That's not my cow. It goes cluck.

mephisto6: If you can get through Fox In Socks out loud, you can do anything... anything at all.

/Seuss was a prophet

OMG that farking book is THE ONE he wants read every night, by both myself AND daddy. I can quote most of that thing from memory, now. Kid is not even three and he uses words like "amazing," "stupendous," and "horrible" so I guess Dr. Suess knew what he was doing. Kid has a better vocabulary than some 20 year olds I've met.

mephisto6: If you can get through Fox In Socks out loud, you can do anything... anything at all.

/Seuss was a prophet

I have fond memories of my parents reading this book to me when I was very small. ^_^ I have to see if we still have all our old copes of those books at home...

Sim Tree: That's not my cow. It goes cluck.

lol win! That's not my cow! It goes 'Bugrit. Millennium hand and shrimp.'

This books is at the top of my list to buy for my Pratchett-fan friends who are trying for a kid atm. :D

mephisto6: If you can get through Fox In Socks out loud, you can do anything... anything at all.

/Seuss was a prophet

also! fox in sock online! (new window) :D

/will probably have to practice reading it before i have kids...

What has reading gotten you? The U.S. economy collapsing, Obama sending me a check from your 401K, our jobs being shipped to other countries, educating folks from other countries for free in our colleges, while cr*#pping on it's own citizens. See what reading has gotten you?! I hope this country collapses to the d#@$ ground!!!!!

Lake City, FL

mephisto6: If you can get through Fox In Socks out loud, you can do anything... anything at all.

I get through that book out loud at least once a night! And by the end of it, I really want to cockpunch Bim and Ben.

/let's have a little talk about tweedle beetles....

Thorak:
...it's the historical version of the kind of humor in xkcd.

William Goldman learned to write before he put out a book. He probably would have learned to draw before putting out a webcomic.

/cheap shot

girljen: Now I don't feel like a dork for having The Very Hungry Caterpillar memorized so I can recite it to my toddler on cross-town drives.

On the far away island of Sal a ma sond,
Yertel the Turtle was king of the pond...

// I always liked to read subversive literature to my kids..

Secret Agent X23: Don't read the same type of book over and over.

Uh, yeah. I'm willing to bet that most people who have read to small children on a regular basis have had an experience similar to mine. The kid insists not just on the same type of book, but on the very same book, over and over again.

And over and over yet again.

THIS. I read to my niece (2) and my nephew (6) every night before they go to bed.

My niece REFUSES to end the story-time session until we read every single SpongeBob book in the house. ...We have FOURTEEN SpongeBob books. The plus side to this, however, is that repetition helps young readers recognize words better, and my niece enjoys re-enacting her favorite stories over and over again (for example, she puts her arms up in the air and says WOOSH! when SpongeBob pretends to be a super hero).

It is, however, very tedious to go through fourteen books before we can even start reading the books that her brother picked out for the night. Story-time is an hour and a half event.

/I'm afraid only parents can understand the love/hate relationship I have with SpongeBob.
//Good tool to get my niece interested in bedtime, but a person can only read so many adventures about an anthropomorphic sponge before going crazy.

Secret Agent X23: Don't read the same type of book over and over.

Uh, yeah. I'm willing to bet that most people who have read to small children on a regular basis have had an experience similar to mine. The kid insists not just on the same type of book, but on the very same book, over and over again.

And over and over yet again.


Kinda related, but I remember when I was younger and babysitting this one family, I had two Sailor Moon movies I used to bring with me. The family already had #2, and I had #1 and #3. The kids used to pick which movie they wanted to see, and they usually wanted the same one or two over and over. I've seen all 3 movies so many times that I don't care if I never see them again.

I stand outside the house and yell "Horton Hears a Hoo" to my neighbors children.

@ Aphrodine - Why not explain to her that she can only pick one or two books to read, and the same goes for her brother? IMHO, while I understand storytime is a good way to get kids interested in reading and ready for bed, 90 min of storytime every night seems a little much to me.

LoneVVolf: simusid: Eventually we moved on to reading the first 5 Harry Potter books out loud cover to cover several times. Thank $deity I didn't have to read LotR!

Ha, try the Silmarillion. That'll put you BOTH down in a hurry.

The Silmarillion is a pretty good book. I just finished reading Roverandom to my 3 year old daughter. We both though that it was a great story.

Nickers: @ Aphrodine - Why not explain to her that she can only pick one or two books to read, and the same goes for her brother? IMHO, while I understand storytime is a good way to get kids interested in reading and ready for bed, 90 min of storytime every night seems a little much to me.

Haha, you're absolutely right. I'll take you up on that advice.

mephisto6: If you can get through Fox In Socks out loud, you can do anything... anything at all.

/Seuss was a prophet

Seuss can be fun to read, but I had a more difficult time reading Runny Babbit by Shel Silverstein. It's ridiculous, but we have a lot of fun with it.

Moonfisher: OMG that farking book is THE ONE he wants read every night, by both myself AND daddy. I can quote most of that thing from memory, now. Kid is not even three and he uses words like "amazing," "stupendous," and "horrible" so I guess Dr. Suess knew what he was doing. Kid has a better vocabulary than some 20 year olds I've met.

Sounds like my sister's kid. er, I guess you could even call him my nephew...

She says in all honesty that his first word was "cappuccino," but that's because he grew up spending lots of time with them in a coffee shop. Anyway, they never gave him any baby talk. At like 5 years old, he would run up to her with a video game and say "Mom, I want to play this game. Would you look at it and see if it's appropriate for me?"

Now he's like maybe 8 or something and he speaks more clearly than half of the people I knew in college.

Advanced Advice (for people reading to their kids already)

Read nursery rhymes and fairy tales to your kids. Buy a big ol' book of Grimm's, or (if that's too scary for you) at least get the Blue Fairy book. Kids tend to know only Disney plots for a lot of stories, and it's coming to the point where if Disney hasn't done it, they've never heard of it. This will also keep them from becoming precious snowflakes because fairy tales instill in kids a healthy fear of the world.

Read poetry to your kids. You can mix this in with nursery rhymes when they're little, and poetry will seem normal later on. It will prepare them for poetry once they start getting it in school. There's good children's poetry out there beyond Shel Silverstein- AA Milne, James Whitcomb Riley, Robert Frost, Odgen Nash, Lewis Carroll (I knew Jabberwocky by heart when I was five years old). Poems are short and easy to learn and the rhymes and meter will help kids learn to read.

Do not let them get to school without some Chris Van Allsburg in their systems.

/Has read Polar Express every Christmas since it was published.
//Has still not read Tolstoy but is obviously having a go at writing some.

Florida would be a much better place to live if the majority of the people who live here weren't reject transplants from Northern states. If you guys would quit sending us your stupid people, you'd have nothing to make fun of Florida about.

yournightmare: Florida would be a much better place to live if the majority of the people who live here weren't reject transplants from Northern states. If you guys would quit sending us your stupid people, you'd have nothing to make fun of Florida about.

So...you're saying that Florida would be smarter if it had only southerners living in it.

Hmmm...my sources tell me that does not compute.