A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, 'How much for a beer?' The bartender looks at him, and says 'For you, no charge.'

A neutron walked into a bar and asked how much for a drink. The bartender replied, "for you, no charge."

Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.

This neutron walks into a bar. He asks for a drink and digs for his wallet. The bartender looks at him and says, "For you, no charge."

Q: How many LHC technicians physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
A: To get to the same side.

A proton walks into a bar and says "I left my wallet here". The bartender says "Are you sure?"
"I'm positive."

An atom goes into a bar and says to the bartender "Did you find an electron in here last night? I lost one".
Bartender says "Are you sure?"
Atom says "Yeah, I'm positive."


/event horizon shot

I'd collide it.

Super collider? I just met her!

A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, 'How much for a beer?' The bartender looks at him, and says 'For you, no charge.'


/Just wanna be with the 'in' crowd

A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, 'How much for a beer?' The bartender looks at him, and says 'For you, $4.50.'

wait.

A neutron walks into a bar, I can't remember how the rest of this joke goes, but your mother's a whore!

LCH Webcams (new window)

This neutron walks into a bar. He asks for a drink and digs for his wallet. The bartender looks at him and says, "For you, no charge."

/Incase you hadn't heard this one before...

/farkers sill a little sleepy?

What is the difference between a physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician?

If an engineer walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it on the fire and puts it out.

If a physicist walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it eloquently around the fire and lets the fire put itself out.

If a mathematician walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he convinces himself there is a solution and leaves.

Collider!? I barely know her!

/wait...did someone already say this one?

A neutron walks into a bar. The Aristocrats!

A Higgs-Boson walks into a bar. The bartender says "You know, there were some guys looking for you."

A neutron walks into a bar. It spontaneously explodes in a giant, fiery ball of death and absorbs the entire planet into a giant black hole of doom.

/DAMN YOU, LHC, DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!

A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, 'How much for a beer?' The bartender looks at him, and says "This reminds me of a joke."

A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, 'How much for a beer?' The bartender looks at him, and says "This is a strange quark bar, I think you'd be better off at the 'The Isotope' down the street."

There once was a tachyon named Bright
Whose speed was much faster than light
It set out one day
(In a relative way)
And returned on the previous night.

W hy did the chicken cross the road?

Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

One day, all of the world's famous physicists decided to get together for a tea luncheon. Fortunately, the doorman was a grad student, and able to observe some of the guests...

* Everyone gravitated toward Newton, but he just kept moving around at a constant velocity and showed no reaction.
* Einstein thought it was a relatively good time.
* Coulomb got a real charge out of the whole thing.
* Cavendish wasn't invited, but he had the balls to show up anyway.
* Cauchy, being the only mathematician there, still managed to integrate well with everyone.
* Thompson enjoyed the plum pudding.
* Pauli came late, but was mostly excluded from things, so he split.
* Pascal was under too much pressure to enjoy himself.
* Ohm spent most of the time resisting Ampere's opinions on current events.
* Hamilton went to the buffet tables exactly once.
* Volt thought the social had a lot of potential.
* Hilbert was pretty spaced out for most of it.
* Heisenberg may or may not have been there.
* The Curies were there and just glowed the whole time.
* van der Waals forced himeself to mingle.
* Wien radiated a colourful personality.
* Millikan dropped his Italian oil dressing.
* de Broglie mostly just stood in the corner and waved.
* Hollerith liked the hole idea.
* Stefan and Boltzman got into some hot debates.
* Everyone was attracted to Tesla's magnetic personality.
* Compton was a little scatter-brained at times.
* Bohr ate too much and got atomic ache.
* Watt turned out to be a powerful speaker.
* Hertz went back to the buffet table several times a minute.
* Faraday had quite a capacity for food.
* Oppenheimer got bombed.

C'mon, people!

Two electrons are sitting on a bench in the park. Another electron comes by and says, "Hi there, can I sit with you?" to which the electrons reply, "Don't be ridiculous, we aren't Bosons."

Pirate Satellite: A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, 'How much for a beer?' The bartender looks at him, and says "This is a strange quark bar, I think you'd be better off at the 'The Isotope' down the street."

Why so strange?

A neutron walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "I'm feeling pretty unstable because I'm on my own. How about a free beer?" The bartender says, "No way. I'm going broke giving free beer to neutrons".

Entropy--it isn't what it used to be.

This is the Theory Jack built.
This is the Flaw
That lay in the Theory Jack built.
This is the Mummery
Hiding the Flaw
That lay in the Theory that Jack built.
This is the Summary
Based on the Mummery
Hiding the Flaw
That lay in the Theory that Jack built.
This is the Constant K
That saved the Summary
Based on the Mummery
Hiding the Flaw
That lay in the Theory that Jack built.
This is the Erudite Verbal Haze
Cloaking Constant K
That saved the Summary
Based on the Mummery
Hiding the Flaw
That lay in the Theory that Jack built.
This is the Turn of a Plausible Phrase
That thickened the Erudite Verbal Haze
Cloaking Constant K
That saved the Summary
Based on the Mummery
Hiding the Flaw
That lay in the Theory that Jack built.
This is the Chaotic Confusion and Bluff
That hung on the Turn of a Plausible Phrase
That thickened the Erudite Verbal Haze
Cloaking Constant K
That saved the Summary
Based on the Mummery
Hiding the Flaw
That lay in the Theory that Jack built.
This is the Cybernetics and Stuff
That covered Chaotic Confusion and Bluff
That hung on the Turn of a Plausible Phrase
That thickened the Erudite Verbal Haze
Cloaking Constant K
That saved the Summary
Based on the Mummery
Hiding the Flaw
That lay in the Theory that Jack built.
This is the button to Start the Machine
To make with the Cybernetics and Stuff
To cover Chaotic Confusion and Bluff
That hung on the Turn of a Plausible Phrase
That thickened the Erudite Verbal Haze
Cloaking Constant K
That saved the Summary
Based on the Mummery
Hiding the Flaw
That lay in the Theory that Jack built.
This is the Space Child with Brow Serene
Who Pushed the Button to Start the Machine
That made with the Cybernetics and Stuff
Without Confusion, exposing the Bluff
That hung on the Turn of a Plausible Phrase
And, shredding the Erudite Verbal Haze
Cloaking Constant K
Wrecked the Summary
Based on Mummery
Hiding the Flaw
And Demolished the Theory that Jack built.
-Frederick Winsor and Marian Parry

A baryon says to a tachyon, "Tell me about yourself."
The tachyon says, "I'm exotic."

If there is matter in the gravity field go under ground and collide some hadrons.

I want to shoot my gluon your bosons.

/wheres teh v0ting?

My variation on the neutron bar joke:
A neutron walks onto bar, and a proton is behind the bar. The neutron orders a beer and says, "how much?" The proton replies, "for you no charge" Surprised, the neutron says, "really?" And the proton deadpans, "I'm positive"

From userfriendly the other day:

filter pwned, oh well I tried

i'm a collider!
i'm a collider!
suck my laaaaarge haaaadron!
i'm a collider!

Approves.

The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.

Not a particle physics joke, but a physics joke all the same...

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out in heaven, feeling rather bored, so Pascal suggests a game of hide and seek. Einstein is chosen to be it, and he covers his eyes and counts as Newton and Pascal go to hide. Einstein reaches 60 and opens his eyes only to discover Newton standing right there out in the open.

Einstein goes over to him and says, "What are you doing? You are supposed to hide. You made it too easy for me to find you, Isaac."

Newton points to the ground at his feet, and Einstein looks down to see there is a square drawn on the ground, one meter to a side. Newton is standing inside this square.

"You haven't found Newton," he says, and smiles smugly, confident in his victory.

Bagelox-99: i'm a collider!
i'm a collider!
suck my laaaaarge haaaadron!
i'm a collider!

LOL.

So Heisenberg is driving one evening and he gets pulled over by a policeman. The policeman says 'Do you know how fast you were going?'

Heisenberg says 'No, but I know where I am.'

/ba dum tish

This is one of the funniest comment threads in a while...

One very easy way to observe the doppler effect is to go next to a highway at night. The lights of the cars moving toward you are white, while the lights of the cars moving away from you are red.

Elementary particles as the dreams that stuff is made of.

An electron walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer damnit." The bartender says, "Why so serious?"

There was an old lady named Wright
who could travel much faster than light.
She departed one day
in a relative way
and returned on the previous night.

Two atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

"Where is the kaboom? There was supposed to be an earth-shattering kaboom!" - Marvin The Martian

Johnny was a good boy
But Johnny is no more
For what Johnny thought was H2O
was H2SO4

Large Halo Convention?


/farkin nerds

"Uhm, hm. These two fellers was standin on a bridge. One was from Texas and the other was from California, I think. They was peein'. One feller says the water's cold. The other feller says its deep. Um hmm. Git it?"

/does this count?

EatHam: Johnny was a good boy
But Johnny is no more
For what Johnny thought was H2O
was H2SO4

Please keep your juvenile chemistry jokes out of this physics joke thread.

Two protons walk into a black hole.
/That's the whole joke.