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(Telegraph) Interesting Christians are going to dating workshops to learn everything from body language to pick-up lines. "You float my ark" (Voting enabled for your own)   (telegraph.co.uk) divider line 191
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SilentStrider [TotalFark] 2008-09-06 11:32:34 PM  
i could make a a "parting the red sea" joke here, but i'll behave.

 
WalkingCarpet [TotalFark] 2008-09-06 11:48:01 PM  
Hey baby, wanna get nailed?

 
HansensDisease [TotalFark] 2008-09-07 12:00:17 AM  
Christians let people learn things?

 
bugenhagen [TotalFark] 2008-09-07 12:02:04 AM  
If you Cain, I'm Able.

 
GAT_00 [TotalFark] 2008-09-07 12:04:51 AM  
Hey baby, I promise this bush isn't burning.
Don't worry girl, my dick's like Jesus; he'll rise again.

I'm sure I can think of worse.

 
ninjakirby [TotalFark] 2008-09-07 12:12:20 AM  
Silly Christians, why don't you just rape the woman and pay the fine? Seems pretty simple to me.

 
ninjakirby [TotalFark] 2008-09-07 12:14:50 AM  
That sounded over the top doesn't it? Oh well, you'll live.

 
Tr0mBoNe [TotalFark] 2008-09-07 12:16:54 AM  
ninjakirby: Silly Christians, why don't you just rape the woman and pay the fine? Seems pretty simple to me.

Well he'd then have to marry her with no chance of divorce. Deuteronomy is farked up... not as bad as Exodus but not even in the same league as Genesis. They're great reads with a skeptical mind.

 
baka-san [TotalFark] 2008-09-07 12:20:23 AM  
If I stick it in your ass, you're still a virgin.

 
swarms909 2008-09-07 12:21:57 AM  

 
House of Tards [TotalFark] 2008-09-07 12:52:00 AM  
I'd like to be your original sin.

I'm disease free. Whenever I hook up I wear a raincoat of many colors.

I'll be Sodom if you'll be Gomorrah.

I can't bring about the rapture, but I can sure take you to heaven naked.

 
jerry2a 2008-09-07 12:52:24 AM  
Is that Jesus in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

So, what's a fundamentalist Christian nutjob like you doing in a place like this? [lighten up, Francis...I'm just kidding]

 
oldebayer [TotalFark] 2008-09-07 12:59:11 AM  
Doesn't anyone realize that "You float my ark" = "You will make it rain for forty days and forty nights?"

 
HansensDisease [TotalFark] 2008-09-07 01:13:15 AM  
oldebayer: Doesn't anyone realize that "You float my ark" = "You will make it rain for forty days and forty nights?"

It also means "I'd hit it, Like the fist of an angry god!"

 
pnjunction [recently expired TotalFark] 2008-09-07 01:17:08 AM  
Tr0mBoNe: ninjakirby: Silly Christians, why don't you just rape the woman and pay the fine? Seems pretty simple to me.

Well he'd then have to marry her with no chance of divorce.


But only if you are discovered. The key is keeping your raping of virgins secret.

 
clifton [TotalFark] 2008-09-07 01:33:38 AM  
"Hey, I hate blacks and gays, too! Lets get married!".

 
the_cnidarian 2008-09-07 02:10:37 AM  
Sounds like intelligent dating to me.

 
Outtaphase [TotalFark] 2008-09-07 02:26:34 AM  
"I hear your mom's gonna be VP. Wanna Fark?"

 
steveo 2008-09-07 02:37:50 AM  
"You had me at 'have you accepted'..."

 
GAT_00 [TotalFark] 2008-09-07 03:33:31 AM  
eqtworld: The vast majority of Christians choose to totally ignore the teachings of Jesus regarding marriage/sexual morality/divorce. Can you imagine if 80%+ of the population either would not have sex before marriage, or would repent and try not to do it again if they did?

Yeah, but then most Christians would have to act Christian, and the vast majority seem to not have much of a clue about what Jesus really taught.

 
shivashakti [TotalFark] 2008-09-07 04:46:28 AM  
"Hey baby...know how me and Jesus are alike? We're both well-hung!"

 
Lt Shiny Sides [recently expired TotalFark] 2008-09-07 05:33:11 AM  
I'm going to start using those pick-up lines now.
Those are awesome.

 
hogans 2008-09-07 06:32:08 AM  
"If you Deuteronomy, I'll Deuteronomoyou."

 
GreenSun 2008-09-07 06:36:42 AM  
"You, your sister, and me,
we can make a sexy trinity!"

"I am your father,
I am your husband,
and I am your grandfather."

 
NexusSix 2008-09-07 06:36:53 AM  
Let's get right to it: I measure two full cubits.

 
Jormungandr 2008-09-07 06:38:44 AM  
"Uhhh, baby you're not on your period are you? 'cause I ain't Moses. I don't part the red sea"

"Help me! There's a demon in my penis, a white demon. cast it out with your mouth!"

 
Caulfield 2008-09-07 06:42:17 AM  
'I like to arrange the substantial Christian section of my bookshelf into alphabetical order. Coffee? wanna f*ck?"

That just might work.

 
SmackLT [TotalFark] 2008-09-07 06:42:36 AM  
Accept Jesus into your heart and you will go to heaven.

Accept me into your panties and I can take you there for three hours.

 
Malinki 2008-09-07 06:45:09 AM  
So, you pray here often?

 
Kurmudgeon 2008-09-07 06:46:20 AM  
"Murderous rage welling..."

I guess it is pretty murderous getting poop stains out of the laundry.

"There has been a sharp rise in the number of worshippers signing up to internet dating sites, but clergy are concerned that they are losing personal skills, such as flirting and reading signals."

If they took the time to read a few Studman threads on Fark, they'd realize their parishioners aren't the only ones with that problem.

 
Malinki 2008-09-07 06:46:49 AM  
Baby, you're so fine I'd throw myself to the lions!

 
Ed Grubermann [TotalFark] 2008-09-07 06:47:39 AM  
Wow. Those lines are worse than most Christian music. How the hell can these people be so horrible at everything? Don't they have God on their side?

 
Malinki 2008-09-07 06:48:31 AM  
So... What's your sign of the next coming?

 
Malinki 2008-09-07 06:50:12 AM  
Your manger or mine?

 
Radworld4 2008-09-07 06:52:12 AM  
Well to be honest growing up nearly all of my sexual exploits took place during some church event.

I waited all summer for the youth "retreat". Which was the woodstock of my summers. Its where i informed one of my weekend girlfriends....

"...you don't actually 'blow'."

 
Missus_Gumby 2008-09-07 06:53:33 AM  
Hi babe! I know where that wimple would look really good...
.
.
.
...on my bedroom floor!

 
quinnfinch 2008-09-07 06:53:53 AM  
"Say, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"

/works every time
//window seat

 
cherryl taggart 2008-09-07 06:55:52 AM  
As someone who is trying to get the family ready for another fun filled morning of Sunday school, I am really not supposed to be laughing right now. This is not funny, really, I have a hair in my nose. Snort, snort. Go away now, Mommy needs to get ready.

 
Missus_Gumby 2008-09-07 06:56:38 AM  
Is that a pillar of salt in your pocket, or are you just please to see me?

 
turnipbear 2008-09-07 06:59:44 AM  
"Hey baby, if we go to my car we can be like the wise men and both come on one accord"

 
nealpolitan 2008-09-07 07:00:10 AM  
I'd like to throw my Shadrach into your burning furnace"...?

 
RadiomanATL 2008-09-07 07:01:59 AM  
Baby, you can have my love offering whenever you want.

WWJD? Who would Jesus do? You!

Since you already took one rib from me, you want another bone to go with it?

Why don't you come over and we'll practice speaking in tongues...

 
DeRosso 2008-09-07 07:07:04 AM  
"So, you're used to getting down on your knees, right?"

"I'm a heathen, but you can make me scream 'Oh, God!'"

"When I spank you, will you remeber to be a good christian and turn the other cheek?"

 
Incontinent_dog_and_monkey_rodeo 2008-09-07 07:10:24 AM  
If you want to see something really really hillarious, go to a christian dance party. Talk about a lack of rhythm...

 
Cappalotti 2008-09-07 07:10:51 AM  
You're a Christian? Well I'm a lion!

Let us kneel down and pray. You first!

 
VanSmack 2008-09-07 07:12:41 AM  
I'll hit it so hard whoever pulls me out will be declared the King of England!!!

 
hamachan 2008-09-07 07:12:49 AM  
"I'm not from around here, I'm from up north. But I can hammer you like Thor."

 
rackrent [TotalFark] 2008-09-07 07:15:50 AM  
"the beams of our house are cedar, our rafters are pine"

/not mine
//it's in the Bible

 
LordJiro 2008-09-07 07:18:54 AM  
"I'd Sodom-ize you. I don't have Gamorra-ea, promise!"

 
jaedreth 2008-09-07 07:21:18 AM  
Woman lines (to be given to men): 1) How's your Jesus Christ been hanging? 2) Lay your Book on my chest, Feel the Word, 3) give me love, peace, and a hard c*ck! (all from Tori Amos)

I don't use pickup lines, and I'm not christian... :P

 
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