Bob Johnson was close to his aunt growing up. But when she learned he was gay, she began making hurtful comments; eventually, they drifted apart. Then Johnson, 43, was diagnosed with colon cancer. Relatives flocked to his side -- except for his aunt.

"I never heard from her. I still haven't to this day," says the New York media-relations professional

You're better off without her, Bob. She sounds like a pretty worthless waste of skin.

Enh, maybe the last thing he needed to be thinking about while battling colon cancer was homosexuality.

Occam's Chainsaw: Enh, maybe the last thing he needed to be thinking about while battling colon cancer was homosexuality.

Had to scratch that itch somehow.

(oh god I'm a terrible person)

I have no idea what that headline is trying to say.

I have no idea what that headline is trying to say.

maybe you should look at the STORY HIGHLIGHTS

Experts: Holding on to hurt feelings can wear you down
Professor: Recalling own offenses make it easier for men to forgive
Psychologist: Women get defensive when recalling own offenses
Keeping a journal, talking to professional or close friend helps with bad situation

If someone in your family truly makes your life miserable, and does so intentionally, for years on end and their drama (and in all reality the drama you also make, yourself), is that time-consuming and takes away from your life that much... then estrange yourself from them.

People area always "how can you say that about your own flesh and blood!" Someone being related to you does not absolve them from asshattery or excuse the very real harms they do to you and your life.

You only live once, don't waste it being miserable because of someone else.

Try to step into the shoes of those who hurt you in hopes you'll see the situation from their perspective.

Actually a better plan would be to step into the shoes of those you have hurt in hopes of seeing that forgiveness is deserved.

jaylectricity: Try to step into the shoes of those who hurt you in hopes you'll see the situation from their perspective.

Actually a better plan would be to step into the shoes of those you have hurt in hopes of seeing that forgiveness is deserved.

One step at a time, though both should be taken. Forgive those who have wronged you, apologize to those you have wronged. Life is too short to be to be in a bad mood all the time.

liberalish: Life is too short to be to be in a bad mood all the time.

I can't stand miserable pricks that go through life sharing their complaints on anyone that has ever done something that made their life more difficult. Especially when those people didn't actually do anything unreasonable.

And the time Drew decided to make a "Florida" tag without my input: well, I'll let that one slide if you take my advice and create a "Fail" tag with blue lettering on a white background.

HenryFnord: I have no idea what that headline is trying to say.

maybe you should look at the STORY HIGHLIGHTS

Experts: Holding on to hurt feelings can wear you down
Professor: Recalling own offenses make it easier for men to forgive
Psychologist: Women get defensive when recalling own offenses
Keeping a journal, talking to professional or close friend helps with bad situation

I have no idea what HenryFnord is trying to say

Did Bill Clinton write that headline?

I wonder if Oprah has a fark account

I have no idea what HenryFnord is trying to say

oh, you're a townie? Sorry, I'll put "bai" on the end next time. :)

CravenMorehead: Did Bill Clinton write that headline?

Na Bill would have told her to put some ice on it.

THAT'S funny right there...I don't care who you are.....
Lord, I apologize for talking about the homosexual with the itch problem....and being with the starving pygmies down in New Guinna
amen......

MacEnvy: Occam's Chainsaw: Enh, maybe the last thing he needed to be thinking about while battling colon cancer was homosexuality.

Had to scratch that itch somehow.

(oh god I'm a terrible person)

jaylectricity: Try to step into the shoes of those who hurt you in hopes you'll see the situation from their perspective.

Actually a better plan would be to step into the shoes of those you have hurt in hopes of seeing that forgiveness is deserved.

Or stomp onto the shoes of those who have hurt you while they are wearing them.

Forgiveness is overrated, in my opinion. I'm not suggesting people hold on to anger or resentment just for the sake of doing so, but it's possible to put something behind you without "forgiving" the offender.

Most people aren't hurt by malice, but by the selfish or inconsiderate acts of others. Why should those be forgiven?

So, another proof that men are saner than women?

Man - I did something bad, remembering why helps me empathize with someone else in the same boat.

Woman - I did something bad, so I condemn others in the same boat in hopes no one notices what I did.

MacEnvy: Occam's Chainsaw: Enh, maybe the last thing he needed to be thinking about while battling colon cancer was homosexuality.

Had to scratch that itch somehow.

(oh god I'm a terrible person)

then so am I
/luaghed hard

I'm a big fan of holding a grudge. It gives you something to focus your anger on, so you don't misplace it on other people. It gives you an outlet. It helps you to learn from your mistakes.

Nothing wrong with holding on and remembering.

Talon: If someone in your family truly makes your life miserable, and does so intentionally, for years on end and their drama (and in all reality the drama you also make, yourself), is that time-consuming and takes away from your life that much... then estrange yourself from them.


Yes, estrangement can be a good thing. Forgiveness is a good thing too, but there are degrees of forgiveness.

There are family members who hurt me when I was young. Hurt me a LOT. My way of forgiving them is this. Do I ever want to see them again? No. Do I want them to burn in hell? No. There I forgave them enough to not want them to burn in hell. That's enough forgiveness. No further action is required.

I have a list, and by God, if I ever have the means every single person on it will disappear and nothing larger than a molecule will ever be found.

/big believer in unforgivable offenses and grudges

My grandaughter's paternal grandmother lived three blocks from her parents for 20 years or so and refused to speak with them.

She also refused to go to either of their funerals.

I've always know there was something seriously farked up in that family, but damn...

i bury hatchets all the time so i'm getting a kick out of these replies ...

The last thing an Irishman lets go of before he dies is a grudge. That's the way it's always been, and that's the way I like it. Fook 'em, I say.

My parents have seen their granddaughter twice in 7 years. . .and we only live 10 miles apart.

Long story, but in a nutshell I married a Catholic.

I like holding on to grudges. I nurture them so that they grow to become full blown irrational hatred. This keeps me warm in the winter. I like that.

Nogale: Forgiveness is overrated, in my opinion. I'm not suggesting people hold on to anger or resentment just for the sake of doing so, but it's possible to put something behind you without "forgiving" the offender.

Most people aren't hurt by malice, but by the selfish or inconsiderate acts of others. Why should those be forgiven?

My meth-whore of a sister stole money from me and used my name when she was busted for drugs on two occasions. She used every member of our family to keep herself "amping". After twenty years of being a worthless stain on society she again checked herself into rehab (fourth stint, I believe). A few months ago she came to me (a required step to her healing) to apologize for what she put me and my family through. I told her where she could stick her apology. Am I bad? I really could care less.

My mother is in a nursing home recovering from cancer surgery to her leg.
She lives in a condo nearby and I have been going over there for years visiting and fixing problems ranging from bills, home repairs, computer problems and health problems.
Since her surgery, I had gone to the hospital and nursing home everyday taking her clothes, mail...whatever she needed.
Not one time did she say thank you, how are you and the kids doing, nothing.
She has complained about the food, her medicine, why I didn't bring her catalogs with the rest of the mail. She thinks that the nursing home staff is out to get her and asks me when I am going to allow her to come home. I told her that the doctor has to decide when she is well enough, not me, (she knows this is true because she discussed it with the social worker) but she insists on yelling at me like it is my fault she is in there. I had to pull some strings to get her there in the first place because it was the only nursing home that she wanted to go to (it is very nice and even has menus for the patients to chose their meals from). Now she hates it.
Last week, I handed her the latest batch of stuff from her condo and said, "You're welcome". She gave me a look that cold kill and said, "Are you saying that I should thank you?". I said that it would be nice if she could do that occasionally.
Then she said, "Thanks for trying to be a good daughter, you have not succeeded".
I walked out and have not been back since.
This woman was not good to me growing up, she beat me, verbally abused me and never offered a nurturing word.
I could go on about her weirdness but the bottom line is that this is affecting my health and I cannot take it any more.
I am not going back. She is on her own.

Broktun
My parents have seen their granddaughter twice in 7 years. . .and we only live 10 miles apart.

Long story, but in a nutshell I married a Catholic.

Wow. I guess there wasn't enough room to invite everyone on your guest list. Did you hold your reception in a Dixie cup?:)

FTFA:
Allow yourself to experience anger, but don't hold onto it for months or years on end. When the anger starts to consume you, you've held onto it for too long.



Approves.

Forgive yourself first.

Feelings don't just switch off when one says "I forgive you."

cehlen

Good for you.

/seriously

Holding a grudge takes more effort and is more time consuming
and detrimental to the grudge holder than the grudgee

/grudgee....lol
//still holds true

cehlen: I am not going back. She is on her own.

and become what you hate

Broktun: My parents have seen their granddaughter twice in 7 years. . .and we only live 10 miles apart.

Long story, but in a nutshell I married a Catholic.

Religion is great for long-term grudges. And wars, you can't keep a war going for long without a religious basis.

women forgive but they never forget
men forget but they never forgive

cksewell:

My meth-whore of a sister stole money from me and used my name when she was busted for drugs on two occasions. She used every member of our family to keep herself "amping". After twenty years of being a worthless stain on society she again checked herself into rehab (fourth stint, I believe). A few months ago she came to me (a required step to her healing) to apologize for what she put me and my family through. I told her where she could stick her apology. Am I bad? I really could care less.

My point exactly. In this case, she was probably asking for forgiveness so she could feel better, not in order to fix things with you. I don't blame you for telling her to stuff it.
I'm sorry you had to go through that, especially with someone as close as a family member.

cehlen

Your mom doesn't deserve to have a good kid like you. You tried and that is all you can do. Been there myself and I know it sucks. Keep your chin up.

cehlen: My mother is in a nursing home recovering from cancer surgery to her leg.
She lives in a condo nearby and I have been going over there for years visiting and fixing problems ranging from bills, home repairs, computer problems and health problems.
Since her surgery, I had gone to the hospital and nursing home everyday taking her clothes, mail...whatever she needed.
Not one time did she say thank you, how are you and the kids doing, nothing.
She has complained about the food, her medicine, why I didn't bring her catalogs with the rest of the mail. She thinks that the nursing home staff is out to get her and asks me when I am going to allow her to come home. I told her that the doctor has to decide when she is well enough, not me, (she knows this is true because she discussed it with the social worker) but she insists on yelling at me like it is my fault she is in there. I had to pull some strings to get her there in the first place because it was the only nursing home that she wanted to go to (it is very nice and even has menus for the patients to chose their meals from). Now she hates it.
Last week, I handed her the latest batch of stuff from her condo and said, "You're welcome". She gave me a look that cold kill and said, "Are you saying that I should thank you?". I said that it would be nice if she could do that occasionally.
Then she said, "Thanks for trying to be a good daughter, you have not succeeded".
I walked out and have not been back since.
This woman was not good to me growing up, she beat me, verbally abused me and never offered a nurturing word.
I could go on about her weirdness but the bottom line is that this is affecting my health and I cannot take it any more.
I am not going back. She is on her own.

I completely support your decision.

Got thieves, con artists, welfare bums, etc in my family. Don't speak to any of them, nor would I hesitate to shut the door in their faces if they ever showed up on my doorstep.

Luckily, plenty of good folks in my family as well - and especially lucky is that every member of my immediate family falls into this group. My door's always open for them.

FTFA: "'I'd like to think forgiveness is possible. But when her name comes up in conversation, I have a tendency to spit out of the side of my mouth,' Johnson says."


Does he have mouth cancer, too?

/aisle seat, please

Just how in the hell is this story/article worthy of CNN and much less, Fark?

kilgorn: Holding a grudge takes more effort and is more time consuming
and detrimental to the grudge holder than the grudgee

/grudgee....lol
//still holds true

There's a difference between cutting ties with a damaging person and moving on with your life and "holding a grudge." I agree, holding a grudge is not worth the energy.

But why do people feel this compulsion to make everything rainbows and unicorns? Some people hurt others, whether they mean to or not. The hurtee should decide whether or not to forgive based on what's best for him or her - not the person who did wrong.

cehlen: I am not going back. She is on her own.

Tough decision for those in the middle of it. For those on the outside, it's really hard to understand why it took you so long.

Occam's Chainsaw: Enh, maybe the last thing he needed to be thinking about while battling colon cancer was homosexuality.

Wha? I don't think...nevermind

Huskadoodle: cehlen: I am not going back. She is on her own.

and become what you hate

It is starting to affect my health. I have atrial fibulation and when I get upset, sometimes my heart starts beating wildly out of rhythm. After a couple of trips to the hospital, I don't want to go there again.
I try to remain calm, but it is hard to do when you are constantly being castigated for no good reason.

jaylectricity: Try to step into the shoes of those who hurt you in hopes you'll see the situation from their perspective.

Actually a better plan would be to step into the shoes of those you have hurt in hopes of seeing that forgiveness is deserved.

****

Yes, step into their shoes and walk 100 miles.

Then you'll be 100 miles away from them when they discover their shoes are missing.