Yes, you're so awesome that he must be paying people not to work with you. And clearly they are going to accept for $50K.

Seriously, I don't like Shaq at all, but that's pathetic.

Can I file a restraining order against him just for the hell of it?

For someone with a college education Shaq is an atrocious speller.

My band is in negotiations with her to do a "duet" album so I am getting a kick out of these replies.

There are 25 of us. (26 if you include the bass player)

26 X $50K = ...Uh, a hole lotta moneys.

Pay up genie.

If Shaq's name wasn't mentioned in the headline, I still would have guessed it was him.

REPORTER: Shaq, did you visit the Parthenon? SHAQ: I don't know. I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.

/Classic Shaq
//A great Irish-American

I wonder if she told the judge how Shaq's ass tastes.

Proud.

Wait a minute, I thought Shaq and whats-his-name had that whole "you can call me any time" deal?

hmm sounds like a pub stunt to give some media whore attention to her fail as talents? i could be wrong but amirite??

PhiloeBedoe: For someone with a college education Shaq is an atrocious speller.

You obviously never met the college football players on a full ride who can barely put a coherent sentence together. I heard some couldn't even read or write but that may be pushing it too far.

Miller, a 23-year-old hip-hop artist known professionally as Maryjane

Wow, there are a lot of rap songs about her. But I thought Three 6 Mafia put her in a jar after she ruined their brains and stole their hearts.

PhiloeBedoe: For someone with a college education Shaq is an atrocious speller.

For an NBA player, his spelling is quite good.

To be fair, I can't imagine that it's very easy typing on a tiny little keyboard with those gigantic mitts.

/obligatory

If he texts like he talks, it would be 45 pages long and be a Temazepam substitute.

(Slow and deadpan)See girl...you need to know...to give a 110%...or I'm gonna get ya...it's gonna be bad...no one will ever work with you...

He has somehow invented and mastered the art of the run on sentence fragment, it's quite a site to behold.

UrinalPooper: To be fair, I can't imagine that it's very easy typing on a tiny little keyboard with those gigantic mitts.

Well, TFA says it's an excerpt from an email but I guess the point still stands.

Good thing he's still got that winning smile.

You didn't complete the text message, subby.

The next line was:

Itz O8ama/8id3n 08.

PhiloeBedoe: For someone with a college education Shaq is an atrocious speller.

Actually, the rumors were that Shaq needed extensive "tutoring" to even pass the entrance exams to LSU. Of course, by "tutoring" I mean "have someone or several someones take tests for you".

Back when he just had been drafted by the Magic, there were tons of stories going around about just how farking stupid he was. Granted, I'm sure some of them may have been exaggerated, but "completely illiterate," and, "fourth grade math comprehension," stick out in my mind. I'm pretty sure that's because reporters didn't want to say, "walking retard," as Shaq's probably a pretty menacing dude when he gets pissed.

Either way, I'd be surprised if this was actually a legit suit, and not something a worthless whore came up with to try to make money.

My dad was Shaq's acting coach for some stupid movie he (Shaq) made with Annabeth Gish (I forget what it was called.) Anyway, Dad said he was dumb as a post but very polite.

/Not making this up

Can someone translate this into normal people's English?

I had to laugh when I read this because, unfortunately, this probably reveals why he got into law-enforcement. The stalking tools, and some other entitlements, available to law enforcement, especially since the 9/11 aftermath, are far beyond any other occupation. Enough so that a multimillionaire would bother with becoming a reserve police officer. I wonder why he got into the "child porn" unit?

Swearing In (jump)
And this is not the first problem he's had:
Swearing Out (jump)

So there's a pattern, but since he's already pseudo-law-enforcement, there may be just enough juice when taken with his celebrity status to cover up his personality problems. If that's right and, since he appears to already be displaying a similar sense of entitlement to some crybabies who join LE to possess almighty impunity, it doesn't look good for the citizens of the town who disagree with him where he eventually becomes sheriff or police chief. If you think about it, where OJ made his mistake was not becoming LE when he still had celebrity status but was apparently feeling he was losing control over his wife and beginning to descend into violent and controlling behavior. He would have had all his LE brothers to quietly help him have her tailed and harassed, the way they sometimes do. On one view, Shaq has similar impulses to those OJ displayed, but he appears to be slightly wiser.

Akbar the Trappiste Monk: Can someone translate this into normal people's English?

"It appears you are unaware of whom you happen to be speaking with. If you continue this tomfoolery, I could place one telephone call to an associate who will shoot you in the head, quarter your body and then dispose of you in a convenient, untraceable way. I challenge you to not believe this, for I will be forced to make true on my word."

How's that?

I'll never watch Kazaam the same way again.

PhiloeBedoe: For someone with a college education Shaq is an atrocious speller.

He doesn't have a college education, he was in college sports.

seventil

That was simply outstanding, mate.

/You only got a 500 on your SAT?

He can't spell 'you', but he can spell 'expletive'. How strange is that?


/Yes, I know.

PhiloeBedoe: For someone with a college education Shaq is an atrocious speller.

I think there's probably quite a few professional athlete's out there that got basketball/sports scholarships that still can't spell.

I'm not wanting to see Shaq get shot, but this scenario's mucking up some bad-looking ju-ju.....

I hope that Mr. O'Neal has good security and enough residual goodwill in the 'hood to avoid street justice.

When in my 30s and 40s, though I never had a restraining order served on me, I did have nasty domestic situations develop. It's nice, now, to be beyond those issues....

seventil: Excellent ebonics translation

Kudos............

I bet he'd use Shaq-Fu on her

Yahhhh Uhhhhh restraining order tell me how my butt tast...

\at least he was not trying to rap again

Hes lik th thagrean theorum. Neva ben soved.

There's no dumb like jock-dumb.

T.M.S.: My band is in negotiations with her to do a "duet" album so I am getting a kick out of these replies.

There are 25 of us.

Odd duet with 26 people involved.

(26 if you include the bass player)

Uh-oh. Now you've done it. What do you call someone that hangs around with musicians? A drummer.

/bass player

PhiloeBedoe: For someone with a college education Shaq is an atrocious speller.

Must've had a degree in rocks for jocks.

sidgoop: He can't spell 'you', but he can spell 'expletive'. How strange is that?

I grinned.

Wolfe said Miller had known the 7 foot 1 ,325-pound....

it took me a sec to realize they weren't saying he weighed 1325 lbs... but it's early...

For anyone who wants to see a pitcher of the complainant.

I don't get it. Has he chosen a VP running mate? Will there be more weeks of winter? What? Tell me, tell me, tell me!

"All you jealous punks can't stop my dunks"

/from Shaq's first "rap" album

One of my favorite sites:

www.shaqquotes.com

From the comments section of the article:

"I guess Shaq did learn something from Kobe."

I lol'd.

I read this at 6:30 in the morning and couldn't figure out what the hell this text message was supposed to say. It took me a while, but I have finally deciphered the message and honestly, I feel rather proud of myself.

\Shaq-Fu makes so much more sense now.
\\Hope that one phone call is to Sett-Ra

I.... wait... did he l33tspeak that whole thing?

/omg my bff, jill?

lenfromak: For anyone who wants to see a pitcher picture of the complainant.



FTFY

\\:)

yall n*gars kneed 2 kook up kokane wif bking soda and sell it. best regards. -cornrow


p.s. Ppprrrrrrr!

Wolfe said Miller had known the 7-foot-1, 325-pound All-Star center for about a year and a half, and that the two became intimate over the past six to eight months

BULL SHIAT. There is no way Shaq shacked up with a ho for 10-12 months without getting some booty...

That statement alone would completely seal teh deal for me. Lying about your sexual relationship to seem better is surely the quickest way to lose.

Didn't need a college education....



/makes you wonder if a college education is worth shiat these days

The great Kazaam has spoken!

/sort of

ukgrad89: Didn't need a college education....



/makes you wonder if a college education is worth shiat these days

And, yet, the NCAA insists on a rule that forces players into college for one year, which has really been a clusterfark. Look at the fiasco in USC around OJ Mayo. Mayo never gave a fark about college; he just wanted to get paid. And college is not the NBA, in that adding a free agent for one year probably won't get you the title.