UFIA's are always appreciated. Give one whenever possible.

f*ck the sunscreen, always wear a rubber

Honestly, I'm supposed to speak at graduation and address my class. I'd like to give them some life wisdom, but just like them, I lack life wisdom.

Help me out by leaving something funny and simple or complex and clever, anything will do. Of course I'll tell the audience that I'm just a mediator of the people in the tubes.

Don't trust whitey
Lord loves a workin' man.

Pants first, then shoes.

How lovely it is to do nothing all day, and after having done so, to rest. It's from The Secret of Santa Vittoria. But I like it.

Don't sit on a wooden chair while naked if said chair does not have a 1 piece seat.

BTW, congrats, Mr. Smartypants!

Is this for High School?

Oh Geez, where do I start?

Tell them,

"And to all my shy, introverted brethren, Next year, when that smoking hot blond offhandedly mentions that she's not going on the band camping trip, and that you should stop by her dorm room to 'visit' on Saturday... FOR GOD'S SAKE - STOP BY HER DORM ROOM AND 'VISIT!!!' SHE WANTS YOU TO VISIT HER FARKING BRAINS OUT"

/No that never happened to me, why do you ask?

Look out for number one and don't step in number two.

"We either make ourselves strong or we make ourselves miserable, either way the amount of work is the same." - Carlos Castenada

I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it.

Thomas Jefferson.

In our current climate of fear, with a failed 'war on drugs' behind us and a hazy course ahead charted for our 'war on terror', future leaders such as your classmates would do well to remember that quote. If there is hope for our form of government it's that the next generation remembers that the solution to our problems is ever and always with MORE freedom and LESS government, never the reverse.

Think with the big head.

I like pie!

See a doctor and get rid of it.

The road goes on forever, where you choose to stop is up to you.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you...but do it to them first.

Winners never quit. Quitters never win. But those who never win AND never quit are idiots

Smoking weed causes miscarriages.

Compound interest is a mighty weapon; use it wisely

I don't know if this was just a fad when I was graduation or a standard idiotic 18 year old phrase, but whatever you do, do not use the phrase "carpe diem" anywhere in your graduation speech. Seriously.

Death is but a door, time is but a window. I'll be back

/Vigo the Carpathian FTW

Whatever you say, finish up with "Hey everybody! We're all gonna get laid!"

When you go out into the big wide world tomorrow, try not to be a total douchebag.

There are 3 things man needs in life:
Loose shoes, tight p*ssy and a warm place to sh*t.

There's two ways to argue with women; neither one works.

There's no I in team. But, there is an I in pie. And meat pies, you know, meat is an anagram of team, whatever.

The dude abides.

Women hate me, this I know, for they always tell me so.

Don't sweat the petty stuff and don't pet the sweaty stuff.

You can wear your underwear four times without washing them.
Forwards.
Backwards.
Inside-out forwards.
Inside-out backwards.

The biggest one:

If one only wished to be happy, this could be easily accomplished; but we wish to be happier that other people, and this is always difficult, for we believe others to be happier than they are.

Charles Montesquieu1689-1755

"In the words of the character Red from The Shawshank Redemption, "Get busy livin', or get busy dyin'." In that spirit, I have released an odorless yet potently poisonous gas into the room. Half of you will find gas masks under your seats. The other half will find loaded pistols.

Get busy."

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

/Aristotl'd
//was my senior quote

avoid the clap

Honesty is the best policy, but by elimination, dishonesty is the second best policy.

----

If you're a guy:

Offer free, hot sex to the hawt ladies.

If you're a chick:

Offer blowjobs.

castufari: Loose shoes, tight p*ssy and a warm place to sh*t.

There's a joke in here about a woman providing all three at once...

My fellow students...carry this one thought through your life - "Oh lord, please don't let me fark up"

/not mine, but you know where it came from

Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory... lasts forever.

Don't be a screw up.

Don't sweat the petty things... and don't pet the sweaty things.

There is no time but the present.

- Apeiron

There is no I in team, but there is in win.

If possible, leave the country at least once. Experience Life outside the US.

"Your childhood ends when you become aware of your own mortality. You become an adult the first day you learn to laugh at yourself. When your mortality no longer offends you, you begin to learn wisdom. The rest is a series of decisions that you are now much better equipped to make. Be kind, be fair, and don't take any shiat."

Eat well, and shiat hard.

College is overrated, join the military.

Next year at college, when that 40-year-old offers to "teach you the ropes," whether you're a man or woman, spend one semester DOING IT. Your spouse will thank them later.

unholymartiangod: "We either make ourselves strong or we make ourselves miserable, either way the amount of work is the same." - Carlos Castenada

i would have voted for this one. So i'll quote and enable voting.