I don't think you get an erection to stretch from St. Paul, MN to Jacksonville, FL.... St. Paul to Atlanta, GA, tops.

/A man's gotta know his limitations.

This is what subby was talking about. (pops)

Zoinks!: This is what subby was talking about. (pops)

wow, thanks.

/can't believe the pancakebunny.jpg got a response

LGT a Laura Bush story. Subby wins at headline, fails at internet.

Found the real story Link (pops)


//Not Subby

Newsday changed the link because it wasn't like that when I submitted it.

NuttierThanEver: Newsday changed the link because it wasn't like that when I submitted it.

HREF bait and switch! Not a bad idea...

Let's just do the best we can.

haha, that sketch really should be as popular as More Cowbell.

thatvoiceguy: LGT a Laura Bush story. Subby wins at headline, fails at internet.

NuttierThanEver: Newsday changed the link because it wasn't like that when I submitted it.

Now, it's this:
A former nanny for Rob Lowe claims abuse

Etchy333
I guess thats the best way to get your articles hits, switching them up when they post on fark

Avoid that guy named Scrunchy.

Everybody Cool Out. COOL OUT!

He puts clown makeup on his penis.

And can turn invisible if he really tries hard.

Pound for pound - the funniest sketch ever.

He'll smack you in the mouth, he's Neil Diamond!

Breakers on board, can't be bad.

VH-1 Storytellers

Neil Diamond.....Will Ferrell
Gary the Bass Player.....John Goodman
Kenny the Keyboard Player.....Tim Meadows


Neil: Hello, everyone. They told me before I came on this show, that I was supposed to tell the stories behind my most popular songs, and then play them. I said, "Cool let's do it!" But, Gary over here was a little shy..

Gary the Bass Player: Now, come on, Neil, give me a break, man.

Neil: Ah, ha ha ha ha! This first song.. [ Kenny the Keyboard Player intros "Sweet Caroline", crowd applauds ] Thank you. That, of course, "Sweet Caroline". I wrote that song after a big show at the Forum. Gary and I had been drinking pretty heavily, and we were driving..

Gary: [ worried ] Oh, I can't believe you're gonna tell this story..

Neil: Ha ha ha ha ha! Yeah, well, we were driving down this dark road, and I hit a kid. [ the crowd is stunned ] So, we got out, and sure enough he was dead. So, we just took off. Pretty fast. And, two hours later, I wrote "Sweet Caroline". Sweet Caroline. Good times never seemed so good. Thank you.

[ crowd struggles to applaud, still stunned by the story ]

Neil: It gets crazy on the road, and awful lonely. That's why I love pornography. This next song is all about my love of hardcore, barely-legal pornography. Gary knows what I'm talking about.

Gary: Yeaaahhh, he likes that really weird porno you can't send through the mail. I'll be honest. It ain't cool, it creeps out the whole band.

Neil: Well, my bizarre, insatiable, and downright dangerous sexual habits led me to write this song. [ Kenny intros "Cracklin' Rosie" ] Oh, Cracklin' Rose, get on board. We're gonna ride 'til there ain't no more to go. We're takin' it slow. Let's all do the best we can. And I can turn invincible if I really try-y hard! [ crowd barely applauds ] Uh, I can't quite remember how that one goes. I-I gotta admit, I'm a little high. Kenny over here gave me some dynamite pills.

Kenny the Keyboard Player: Hey, come on, man..

Neil: Hey! Cool out! Just everyone cool out. COOL OUT!! [ pause ] This next song, you all might like. Few people know that I am fueled creatively by my massive hatred of immigrants. [ Kenny intros "America" ] Gary and I have gone on for hours about how much we hate foreignors. Right, Gary?

Gary: Leave me out of this, man.

Neil: NO, I WILL LEAVE YOU IN!! [ back to story ] Well, my love of this great and beautiful nation, and my hatred of all people with dark skin, led me to write this. On the boats and on the trains. They're coming to America. Never looking back again. Just do the best you can! You hate your keyboard player because he's black! Never had the courage to tell him sooo--AAUUGGHH!! AAUUGGH!! OW!!

Kenny: Hey, man, you're a wreck!

Neil: Ow! Come on.. I think I tore some stitches. Come on, Gary, help me out..

Gary: No, that's enough, Neil, man, you gotta chill out.

Neil: I'll smack you in the mouth, I'm Neil Diamond!

Kenny: Okay, that's it, I'm gone. That's it. [ Kenny and members of the crowd exit ]

Neil: Wait! This next song, I wrote after I killed a drifter to get an erection. [ more members of the crowd exit ] Forever in blue jeans.. Where you goin'? Do the best you can. Reach for the stars like a champion. John Elway finally won--AAUUGGHH!! I put clown make-up on my penis, blue jeans. AAUUGGHH, AAUUGHH!!

Gary: Neil, Neil.. Come on, it's over. Let's go, buddy.

Neil: Ow! My heart! My, my ass! My heart and ass hurt. [ Gary pulls Neil off the stage, fade to title ]

Announcer: [ Music Outro: "I Am..I Said" ] This has been VH-1 Storytellers, with Neil Diamond.

Approve!

KICK ASS!

I've been waiting for this announcement!

Will the new album have "ET - The Lizard Creature And Me"?

So was the SNL skit based on things that Neil Diamond actually said?

Killing drifters always gave me a chub, never an erection. Maybe Neil has the yellow fever though.

/a true illness

notmtwain: So was the SNL skit based on things that Neil Diamond actually said?

No, it's based on absurdity. Thanks for having to have a genuinely hilarious joke explained to you. Way to be a vacuum of joy!

Zoinks!: This is what subby was talking about. (pops)

+1 to you and subby


my favorite shirt

Brendan-Face, sorry to be a "vacuum of joy", but if there was absolutely no basis for the skit, then it's just character assassination, not comedy.

//Believe that it was probably inspired by actual comments that Neil Diamond made on his "Behind the Music" appearance but can't find a copy of the real appearance online.

notmtwain: Brendan-Face, sorry to be a "vacuum of joy", but if there was absolutely no basis for the skit, then it's just character assassination, not comedy.

//Believe that it was probably inspired by actual comments that Neil Diamond made on his "Behind the Music" appearance but can't find a copy of the real appearance online.

But why would the restaurant sell so much spam? It doesn't make any sense!!!

You all have this wrong. The only performers who get erections here are those people on tour with Dancing With the Stars... and we know how that goes.

Hell yeah.

/added to the catalogue of legendary ND songs

notmtwain: Brendan-Face, sorry to be a "vacuum of joy", but if there was absolutely no basis for the skit, then it's just character assassination, not comedy.


The premise is that Neil Diamond, the squeaky clean performer loved by everyone has a dark side, and that his optimistic and touching songs were based on a very dark and criminal part of his psyche.

It's like a role reversal of "Springtime for Hitler" in "The Producers".

It's funny because it is absurd, and no one with an emotional capacity greater than Asimo would take it seriously.

You wouldn't happen to be cylon, would you?


/It's not character assassination, it's absurd comedy: Of course you aren't a cylon. Right?
//RIGHT?

Aarontology: Avoid that guy named Scrunchy.


/Or 'The Mongooses.' That's a good team name. The Fighting Mongooses.

Sweet Caroline! What news is this?

/I got nuthin'.

Sarcastica75:
Sweet Caroline! What news is this?

/I got nuthin'.

We still love you.

stole that line to use as "between-song banter" during a show one night when I was really drunk. didn't go over as well as I thought. ha!

If it's somehow better than 12 Songs, this will be incredible.

superoogie: Sarcastica75:
Sweet Caroline! What news is this?

/I got nuthin'.

We still love you.

Don't play with my heart.

/It can go at any moment.

Sarcastica75
superoogie: Sarcastica75:
Sweet Caroline! What news is this?

/I got nuthin'.

We still love you.

Don't play with my heart.

/It can go at any moment.

Dear lord. Go home, dear.

True story: my Dad went to college with Neil, U of B. He was an archaeology major, and often went on digs up in Canada. He owned a terrible VW Squareback station wagon, which my Dad would fix for him on occasion. The Native Americans who were on reservations near the digs used to take bets on when his VW would break down next, or how far he would get.

Cracklin' Rose' was allegedly written based on what Neil saw happening on the reservations, where the men who couldn't get a date would retire with "Cracklin' Rose" wine, and drink off their desperation.

/Always amused to see jacksonvile on Fark.

shouldnt have taken this long

thespindrifter: /Always amused to see jacksonvile on Fark.

Me too. Sometimes I want to hang my head in shame, but hey, every city has it's problems!

The best story I saw about Jacksonville actually was about a guy I used to date! Whoo-hoo. That was a proud moment!

/not going to Neil Diamond
//well maybe if I can throw things

This headline is better than mine, but I still touched on the drifter thing. Kudos.

notmtwain: So was the SNL skit based on things that Neil Diamond actually said?

notmtwain: Brendan-Face, sorry to be a "vacuum of joy", but if there was absolutely no basis for the skit, then it's just character assassination, not comedy.

//Believe that it was probably inspired by actual comments that Neil Diamond made on his "Behind the Music" appearance but can't find a copy of the real appearance online.

Sorry about that Asperger syndrome you got there, homey.

/97X BAM the future of rock 'n' roll

Just looking for a little "Behind the Behind the Music."

//remembers when SNL was funny.

notmtwain: Brendan-Face, sorry to be a "vacuum of joy", but if there was absolutely no basis for the skit, then it's just character assassination, not comedy.


You must be a hit with the ladies.

\\knows i am asking for it--- but I never said that the skit wasn't funny. I was just thinking that it would be even funnier if it was inspired by something Neil had said on "Behind the Music."

\\bam

\\realizes that you're probably not stupid enough to have missed my original point and that you are just trying to be funny, since you probably realize that just because you don't know the inspiration for the sketch that there wasn't one.

\\spam, spam, spam, spam....