Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

1. Don't suck.

2. Play in places that want to hear music that you like to play.

3. Make sure all of your friends go to your gigs and drink heavily.

4. Make sure you play in a place where there are good looking girls who like the music you play in attendance.

5. Make sure you don't have a band member who is an alcoholic, drug addict or nut job.

How to write a terrible article

1. Start out with some stupid personal story that tangentially related to the headline.

2. Continue story for half a page.

3. Convince the reader that maybe he's reading the wrong article and that the editor switched the headlines.

4. Write terrible story that meanders and doesn't offer actual advice.

-1

That article sucked. What a waste of time.

Be The Cramps.

brap: Be The Cramps.

We have a winner. Thread over.

This is his advice?!

TFA: 1. Band members should be good-looking. Nobody wants to be forced to look at unattractive people for any length of time. Good looks trump actual talent any day.

2. At least one guy in the band should have a mustache. Not a goatee either. Those are for losers. A "soul patch" will get you kicked in the nards.

3. Blinding and/or maiming an audience member with a fire extinguisher (and subsequently ending their modeling career) is acceptable, but only once, and only if your name is Keith Killoren.

4. Never accept hog meat or homemade drugs as payment in lieu of actual cash.

5. Do not have sex with ANY musician, EVER, especially if they are in The King Bucks, as their virile seed will impregnate you just from looking at it, and the "devil baby" you give birth to will be the least of your worries.

Thanks alot, asswipe.

Is this the thread where we can call out the local douchebaggy cover band?

Link (new window)

icallhimgamblor: Is this the thread where we can call out the local douchebaggy cover band?

Link (new window)

That website made me all kinds of punchy.

Don't read the Dallas Observer. It's almost as bad as Fort Worth Weekly. The only reason I'd pick up either one of these rags is if I really needed to clean the windows on my car.

/or hire an asian tranny hooker from the back pages

El Freak: brap: Be The Cramps.

We have a winner. Thread over.

Seconded. Cramps rule.

Article is satire, but... if you wanna be a good ANYKINDA band, cover or otherwise, remember these things:

1) It's a privilege to play in front of people, and they want to be entertained. So play for them, play what they want to hear. Nobody gives a chocolate-covered crap about your showcase or your growth as an artist. I have seen bands yell over the PA about people talking during their number. Hey pal, if the folks ain't paying attention, that's YOUR FAULT, not theirs!

2) Entertaining a crowd is something you learn, so get out there and learn the hard way. Be prepared for bad gigs as well as good. It helps if you have one front person. Everyone else should stay off mic.

3) People respond to energy onstage as much as anything else. In most places, if you're puttin' it out they will give it back. Keep the focus on the crowd.

4) No one in the crowd will notice when the rhythm guitarist accidentally plays a major instead of a 7th. Don't stop and give him the evil eye. People are pretty cool that way -- if they notice the small mistakes they won't care.

5)Perform like you're the who and every song is won't get fooled again. Or watch the performance sequences in Rude Boy. Energy. People are out to party and have fun. Help them.

Just my .02.

Do a killer version of Everclear's "Santa Monica". It's easy to learn, people like it, and it sounds great live.

1> Cover nothing but Frank Stallone tunes

I like that there's a Honky-Tonk cover band out there. Knowing me, though, if I heard them I'd think they were doing it wrong.

No Stairway

And learn new songs freuently. I'm looking at you The Machine.

The Dynamite Monkey: It helps if you have one front person. Everyone else should stay off mic.


Most of your points make a lot of sense, but I respectfully disagree with this one. In my current band, I insist that everyone get their own mic, even though we only have one lead singer (not me). The reason is between-song-banter. In my experience it's a helluva lot more entertaining for the crowd if they can watch the band members interacting with each other, joking around and making fun of each other, that sorta thing. Plus, my rhythm guitarist is one helluva funny guy, and deserves to be heard.

Unless you were talking about bands having multiple lead vocalists. I'm never a fan of that, it reeks of everyone being a spotlight whore, and not knowing their place in the band.

brap: Be The Cramps.

or

Be Me First and the Gimme Gimmes

A message to all cover bands: Kill yourself and get the hell out of music. Any order is fine in this case.

m.

Be so insanely exact in your covers that members of the original band want to play with YOU.

Gulper Eel: Be so insanely exact in your covers that members of the original band want to play with YOU.

Ok, I'lltry.

Article sucked. Article writer wrote suckily.
Dallas Observer sucks.
The band probably totally rocks if you like classic country.
If you like classic country (Buck Owens, Hank, Merle Haggard) look up 1100 Springs.

1100 Springs are the real deal.

leftymcrighty: The Dynamite Monkey: It helps if you have one front person. Everyone else should stay off mic.


Most of your points make a lot of sense, but I respectfully disagree with this one. In my current band, I insist that everyone get their own mic, even though we only have one lead singer (not me). The reason is between-song-banter. In my experience it's a helluva lot more entertaining for the crowd if they can watch the band members interacting with each other, joking around and making fun of each other, that sorta thing. Plus, my rhythm guitarist is one helluva funny guy, and deserves to be heard.

Unless you were talking about bands having multiple lead vocalists. I'm never a fan of that, it reeks of everyone being a spotlight whore, and not knowing their place in the band.

Well I have heard of your band, believe it or not, and it sounds better than mine (garage country also), so I will concede. ;-)

Really I meant when guys talk over each other, interrupt each other, etc. But unless you are the Beatles (and no one is)...

The Dynamite Monkey: Well I have heard of your band

And to that point, if you wanna come stateside and play some gigs in New York City shiatholes for no money with a few other country bands, give me a shout. Backline provided. I've got a slot at Otto's Shrunken Head on Feb 4th if you wanna. It's a Monday night. 3 other bands and a documentary film premiere. Guaranteed suckage.

The glamour of the rawk! Fame and fortune be damned.

1) Find a good tune.
2) Rip off that tune.
3) Put the song under your own copyright when it's time to print the liner notes for the album
4) Profit
5) Repeat until your drummer dies.

Worked for Led Zeppelin.

We only do LIMOZEEN covers

A few weeks ago, we played a very nice club we've been trying to get into for months. The owner finally gave us a shot. So, to get more people in the door, we got a very good all original band (at least, in my opinion) to play the 2nd set out of three.

We started out and rocked the place. While walking by the owner while the original band was setting up, she said we did very well and would get more dates. All our friends and family there were thrilled. It was a banner night.

The original band started. Great sound with really good melodies...lots of energy. Five minutes into their set, people started leaving. By the time they were done, the only ones left were our family and friends. We couldn't find the owner at the end of the night (barmaid paid us) and she won't take our calls. The sound company said she was extremely pissed because we emptied her club.

For all the flack I hear about playing covers, I never have to worry about not keeping people there drinking all night. I see very, very few all original bands bringing a lot of people in and keeping them there. Now, I gave to hear the original vs. cover band crap when they cost me gigs. Did you ever notice how nobody in a cover band cares what you play. It's only the original bands that have that problem.

radioberlin: And learn new songs freuently. I'm looking at you The Machine.

The Machine has somewhat of a limited catalog to choose from, and, to their credit, have over 50 songs they rotate in and out of their setlists. Maybe you've just caught a few shows with similar set lists.

Rule #1 should simply be: cover good songs, and cover them well.

GurneyHalleck:
5. Make sure you don't have a band member who is an alcoholic, drug addict or nut job, or a control freak who quits suddenly and screws the rest of the band because they're not following his increasingly batsh*t crazy ideas, and insists on singing backup even though his vocals sound like a cat being killed with bagpipes.

/happened to me, and no I wasn't the guy who quit

Gulper Eel: Be so insanely exact in your covers that members of the original band want to play with YOU.

Or, take your covers in a totally different direction and be praised for your inventiveness.


Exhibit A: Dread Zeppelin.

Gulper Eel: Be so insanely exact in your covers that members of the original band want to play with YOU.


Personally, I prefer it when musicians take existing songs and rework them into something that is completely their own, rather than pretending that they are a human jukebox. Of course, this requires a higher level of muscianship if the result is going to be listenable (and hopefully enjoyable), and in my experience this is more likely to happen if the musician(s) are more well known for their original work anyway.

The only thing worse than cover bands - cover band groupies.

paperbag_writer: Personally, I prefer it when musicians take existing songs and rework them into something that is completely their own, rather than pretending that they are a human jukebox. Of course, this requires a higher level of muscianship if the result is going to be listenable (and hopefully enjoyable), and in my experience this is more likely to happen if the musician(s) are more well known for their original work anyway.

I dunno, if the original lead singer of the band shows up at my show to show his kids what daddy's gigs were like back in the day, I wouldn't be farking around with the business model.

And if you ask the original band's drummer to play a song witn you and he worries he won't be good enough...that's also a good sign you're doing something right.

This does require a great deal of cooperation with the original artists, something hardly any cover bands are in the position to get. Still, for people who weren't in the position to see the originals the first time around it sounds like one hell of a show.

Farkomatic: So, to get more people in the door, we got a very good all original band (at least, in my opinion) to play the 2nd set out of three.

What a brilliant move. I see how well that worked out for you.

The Dynamite Monkey: El Freak: brap: Be The Cramps.

We have a winner. Thread over.

Seconded. Cramps rule.

Article is satire, but... if you wanna be a good ANYKINDA band, cover or otherwise, remember these things:

1) It's a privilege to play in front of people, and they want to be entertained. So play for them, play what they want to hear. Nobody gives a chocolate-covered crap about your showcase or your growth as an artist. I have seen bands yell over the PA about people talking during their number. Hey pal, if the folks ain't paying attention, that's YOUR FAULT, not theirs!

2) Entertaining a crowd is something you learn, so get out there and learn the hard way. Be prepared for bad gigs as well as good. It helps if you have one front person. Everyone else should stay off mic.

3) People respond to energy onstage as much as anything else. In most places, if you're puttin' it out they will give it back. Keep the focus on the crowd.

4) No one in the crowd will notice when the rhythm guitarist accidentally plays a major instead of a 7th. Don't stop and give him the evil eye. People are pretty cool that way -- if they notice the small mistakes they won't care.

5)Perform like you're the who and every song is won't get fooled again. Or watch the performance sequences in Rude Boy. Energy. People are out to party and have fun. Help them.

Just my .02.

You, sir, are a throbbing, baby-poking erection.

Seriously, if every audience I played for was made of people like you, or the people you describe in your ridiculous, reactionary post, I would hang myself.

Pandering to people will not make it possible for you to live as a musician. People that actually appreciate the effort that a band puts forth know when they're being lied to like that. And people that don't appreciate the effort aren't fans, or aren't the kind of fans that will come see you more than once. Since you'll always draw that sort of person, there is absolutely no sense in courting them. Court the people that are interested in what you have to say, don't change what you have to say to court people.

And, of course, what about the people who do care about "growth as an artist"? Are they not worthy of your time or whatever?

Good lord.

THink of the crowd as a hue beach ball.
You want to get it to bounce.
Get it to bounce on the first set and
dribble it up to tempo for the remaining sets.
Last set, at last call, you can either slam it in the end zone, or play them down slow to control the crowd.
Been watching this for 40 years.
Know a lot of good cover bands.
One is good, but they always play the soundtrack to Roadhouse and always have a fight breakout. Bad set list.
One I know of has been playing 20 years, and gets new years booked over a year in advance. Good set lists.
Know when to signal the sound guy to dial 911.
Park safe and always stay sober.
Never fark the fat chick, they will get knocked up faster than you can hit the exit.
Carry spare strings.
Never punch a customer.
If a girl comes on stage and takes her top off, nod to the sound man, she'll be tossing chairs in 2 minutes.
Wear hearing protection and you will actually be able to hear your own monitor.
Play the occasional request.
Get paid up front or by known check.
If your keyboard wears eye makeup, and is married, he's still gay.
So don't joke about it or you will be looking for a new member.
Metal grills over speakers beat grill cloths, and you should insist on a lower insurance deductable for your gear if you have it. Invest in a pickup with a cap and write it off.
GO LLC and do the books proper, trust me, you will lose money on the books if you pay yourselves well, and the cash gigs don't count.
If someone approaches you from a licencing board, let the bouncer handle it, then the owner. Do not engage.
Always have a male friend attend and sit with the wives. It gives them someone untethered to rely on in the event of a masher who can't say no.
But this male friend beer.
This male friend would be me.
Let him sing one song you know he can nail as a "special guest" on occasion to keep the crowd guessing.
Always prelaod your cables at home and tie them and lable them.
ALways have at least a 30' cable for each instrument.
If you can, get a remote, because cables suck.
Buy in expensive light cases, with the more expensive bulbs.
Check the restrooms at any new venue before accepting a gig. You can tell alot from the john.
If the stage is too small, so is the trust you should place in the ownership.
Weddings are great gigs, St Paddy's day, not so much.
Newyear's gigs: Book rooms bearby, stay sober, bring the wives, and celbrate a new year with them after the gig for a solid marriage, and no arrests.
did I forget anything?

And having the talent and stage presence of Peter Prince of Moon Boot Lover, helps, too.

Gulper Eel:

I've seen Musical Box. They are, unquestionably, the definitive of what Genesis did then. Absolutely astounding in their detail. Genesis even gave them the slides that were used in the original Lamb tour. That's not cover, that's homage/tribute/verisimilitude (finally, I used THAT word!).

Thanks for the link - Foxtrot and SEBTP is a tour I will not miss.

Dynamite Monkey (and many others) - your views are so, well, US. "Music exists to serve the listeners (at a bar)"? Ilch. I found a completely different dynamic when I travelled to Scotland. The audience was there to listen to the music. And there in droves.

Why has the US such a view of music as commodity? Music does something to you, it's got some magical elements that get under your skin (yesterday I was in a foul mood until I heard John Lee Hooker and just smiled and left the foul behind). What's with the dollar tag attached to it?

Next time, try to remember how much cajones it takes to get up on stage. And that they are there presenting something they've worked on for some time, even if they didn't write it. My rule? Always clap for anyone trying to play music. Sheyut, have you seen Madeline Peyroux? She is intensely shy, would hardly elicit any response in a bar, but she has one incredible gift of singing that someone, thankfully, tendered to a greater audience.

/for the record, I despise covers
//I still do 'em. The right ones (the ones I CAN do)
///SEE THE MUSICAL BOX if you have any curiosity about early 70's Genesis.

The Dynamite Monkey:
And to that point, if you wanna come stateside and play some gigs in New York City shiatholes for no money with a few other country bands, give me a shout. Backline provided. I've got a slot at Otto's Shrunken Head on Feb 4th if you wanna. It's a Monday night. 3 other bands and a documentary film premiere. Guaranteed suckage.

The glamour of the rawk! Fame and fortune be damned.

I can't do Feb 4, it's too soon, but drop me a line (email in profile) and we'll try and set something up for the future.

grxymkjbn: Farkomatic: So, to get more people in the door, we got a very good all original band (at least, in my opinion) to play the 2nd set out of three.

What a brilliant move. I see how well that worked out for you.

I can't argue with that commentary. It was pretty farking stupid. But all my experiences (including this one) are counter to the "everyone hates a cheesy cover band" almost always spouted by people that don't play covers.

I have at least 50 songs or partial songs on my digital recorder that with only a little work, could be ready for prime time. But not one of them is equal to or better than any cover tune we do. I have the intellectual honesty to say my tunes aren't as good as anything people are buying. When I go see original bands, I pass the same judgment - sure, it's original. But it's just not that appealing.

Gulper Eel:

Do you know of any tour dates for 08? I checked their site (via you, thanks btw) and it only mentioned a couple of dates. Thought you might know a better place to find tix. Preesh!

I saw an awesome Guns and roses cover band last night, also a metal tribute to the Bee Gees. It was interesting to say the least.

Joed112784: I saw an awesome Guns and roses cover band last night, also a metal tribute to the Bee Gees. It was interesting to say the least.

I know this will make me look like a retard (because after all, I am one), but I always thought about putting together a metal version of the Beatles. Something along the lines of a Skid Row thick guitar sound with scorching Scottie Hill type leads backing the vocals types of Lennon and McCartney doing the Beatles greatest hits.

Who's with me? Huh? Huh?

/chirp

The Dynamite Monkey: 1) It's a privilege to play in front of people, and they want to be entertained. So play for them, play what they want to hear. Nobody gives a chocolate-covered crap about your showcase or your growth as an artist. I have seen bands yell over the PA about people talking during their number. Hey pal, if the folks ain't paying attention, that's YOUR FAULT, not theirs!

actually its the other way around. thinking like yours is exactly why there is so much crappy music around, because you perpetuate it. its a privilege to be an audience member for a good musician, its not a privilege for joe retard to play smoke on the water for people like you.

The Dynamite Monkey: It helps if you have one front person. Everyone else should stay off mic.

what if you have 2 or 3 people who are all really good singers? more stellar advice!

The Dynamite Monkey: 5)Perform like you're the who and every song is won't get fooled again. Or watch the performance sequences in Rude Boy. Energy. People are out to party and have fun.

im not, im out to see good bands and good musicians play music. i dont give a shiat if they act crazy onstage(an obvious prerequisite of yours)or not. this goes for ANY concert from jazz to tech metal.

but go ahead and keep supporting bands that cant play but act cool and facilitate your partying, that really helps music evolve.

gotsmurb: Do you know of any tour dates for 08?

No firm dates except for one in Montreal in May. They haven't been anywhere near me except for once in '06 and I couldn't make it.

I usually check Pollstar.com for this kind of thing. TMB just did a US tour - here'sa review from Chicago.

Say, THIS looks interesting...

vonzales: Article sucked. Article writer wrote suckily.
Dallas Observer sucks.
The band probably totally rocks if you like classic country.
If you like classic country (Buck Owens, Hank, Merle Haggard) look up 1100 Springs.

1100 Springs are the real deal.

Thanks for the recommendation. Good Texas stuff...

februarymakeup: Pandering to people will not make it possible for you to live as a musician. People that actually appreciate the effort that a band puts forth know when they're being lied to like that. And people that don't appreciate the effort aren't fans, or aren't the kind of fans that will come see you more than once. Since you'll always draw that sort of person, there is absolutely no sense in courting them. Court the people that are interested in what you have to say, don't change what you have to say to court people.

And, of course, what about the people who do care about "growth as an artist"? Are they not worthy of your time or whatever?

Good lord.

This is why your band sucks.

Someday you'll grow up and understand.

mahavishnunj: actually its the other way around. thinking like yours is exactly why there is so much crappy music around, because you perpetuate it. its a privilege to be an audience member for a good musician, its not a privilege for joe retard to play smoke on the water for people like you.

No, it isn't. I know you like to think it is, and the world would be better for musicians if it were so. But it isn't.

I never mentioned song selection specifically, BTW. But if you think you're gonna walk into a crowd of polka fans and convert them to love free jazz, well, stay in mom's basement and play what you want.

mahavishnunj: what if you have 2 or 3 people who are all really good singers? more stellar advice!

I wasn't talking about singing, numnutz. I was talking about audience interaction.

mahavishnunj: im not, im out to see good bands and good musicians play music. i dont give a shiat if they act crazy onstage(an obvious prerequisite of yours)or not. this goes for ANY concert from jazz to tech metal.

but go ahead and keep supporting bands that cant play but act cool and facilitate your partying, that really helps music evolve.

Your bitterness is affecting your reading comprehension. And by the way, I am not saying this is how it should be, I am saying this is how it IS. It's funny, my main point was "play for the audience, not for yourself" and I get attacked. Doesn't that strike you as strange?

My point was: no one cares about your musical aesthetic. If you wanna work, you deliver. You wanna be an aesthete, fine, be prepared to starve.

Man this is why I hated booking bands so much... you musicians are such farking idiots, I am ashamed to count myself amoung your number. I am gonna have to shout this:

YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL.

YOU ARE NOT THE NEXT BOB DYLAN. SO YOU CAN'T ACT LIKE HIM.

YOU PRACTICING OF YOUR SCALES DOES NOT ENTITLE YOU TO BE LIKED BY PEOPLE.

RESENTING YOUR AUDIENCE WILL GET YOU NOWHERE.

Get over yourselves.

mahavishnunj: its a privilege to be an audience member for a good musician

No, no, no, no, no, no, no no no no no.

Not to say the audience shouldn't be respectful to the artist; they should. But the privilege is to the performer.

Let me ask you something: with your approach, what kind of guarantee does your band command each night? And how many people come to see you that you don't know personally?

i wasnt sure if you were serious or not before but i guess now i know. your post is so full of failure i dont know where to begin so i guess ill just deal with the direct questions.

The Dynamite Monkey: with your approach, what kind of guarantee does your band command each night? And how many people come to see you that you don't know personally?

this is the classic(and unbelievably stupid)'the more financially successful a band is the better they are' argument. you can switch that out with 'the more people like you the better you are' for our purposes. do we even have to go over this? do i even have to ask you if britney spears is a better musician than miles davis because she gets more people to buy her stuff than he did?

The Dynamite Monkey: But if you think you're gonna walk into a crowd of polka fans and convert them to love free jazz, well, stay in mom's basement and play what you want.

i have no idea what this means so....

The Dynamite Monkey: I was talking about audience interaction.

bands that depend on this have already failed before they even start playing. maybe in your world where cover bands are the ultimate in entertainment this is an essential component of a 'good' show.

The Dynamite Monkey: And by the way, I am not saying this is how it should be, I am saying this is how it IS. It's funny, my main point was "play for the audience, not for yourself" and I get attacked. Doesn't that strike you as strange?

its not strange because those of us who deal with music that isnt retarded dont experience this.

The Dynamite Monkey: My point was: no one cares about your musical aesthetic. If you wanna work, you deliver. You wanna be an aesthete, fine, be prepared to starve.

so you cant have any integrity or be any kind of artist and be financially successful enough to eat. do i need to list about a trillion bands that are proving this dipshiat statement wrong? i can if you really want.

The Dynamite Monkey: Man this is why I hated booking bands so much... you musicians are such farking idiots, I am ashamed to count myself amoung your number.

you will never EVER have to worry about counting yourself as a musician!

mahavishnunj: do i even have to ask you if britney spears is a better musician than miles davis because she gets more people to buy her stuff than he did?

No, dopey, you do not. Miles was plenty successful and sold plenty of records. And yes you can turn your back to the audience when you play - IF YOU'RE MILES farkING DAVIS -- which you are not.

He was one of the giants of jazz (and don't try and tell me Miles never did any carreering -- he covered Cyndi Lauper for chrissakes.)

There is a reason no one comes to see the dopey avant-cool jazz you play; they don't like it. So don't compare yourself and your band to one of the greats; it's unbecoming.

mahavishnunj: maybe in your world where cover bands are the ultimate in entertainment this is an essential component of a 'good' show

Again, you fail comprehension. The initial article WAS ABOUT COVER BANDS. That's what was being discussed. So it would be kind of odd to not discuss cover bands in a thread about cover bands.

mahavishnunj: its not strange because those of us who deal with music that isnt retarded don't experience this.

That's because your band sucks.

mahavishnunj: so you cant have any integrity or be any kind of artist and be financially successful enough to eat. do i need to list about a trillion bands that are proving this dipshiat statement wrong? i can if you really want.

Name me one successful act in any genre that doesn't work hard to put on a good show. I already named Dylan and you named Miles, so those two are out by virtue of their singular talents. Not many can get away with it. Every other one understands the value of entertainment. Even the most serious jazzbo will use mood lighting in the right room.

mahavishnunj: you will never EVER have to worry about counting yourself as a musician!

Pal I am not gonna have a resume fight with you. You go ahead and enjoy obscurity and build your ice castles that no one is worthy to worship in. The rest of us will be down here on earth with a keg and the Stax/Volt catalog having a good time.

Tell Automatic Slim , tell Razor Totin' Jim
Tell Butcher Knife Totin' Annie, tell Fast Talking Fanny
A we gonna pitch a ball, a down to that union hall
We gonna romp and tromp till midnight
We gonna fuss and fight till daylight
We gonna pitch a wang dang doodle all night long
All night long
All night long
All night long
- Chester Arthur Burnett, a/k/a Howlin' Wolf

Now THAT is farking art.