Geez, if she likes "Spider-Man III" that much, why are you even bothering?

Actually, most of these points are pretty accurate. Except for the part about grownups texting each other instead of actually communicating. Where I come from, that's called "baby games."

No texting, guys. And no emoticons in emails. Ever.

For example, you get into a conversation about summer movies and she says that "Spiderman III" was her favorite Spidey movie so far. Instead of being agreeable, look her right in the eye with confidence and tell her that she is so wrong

Better yet, tell her she is an insufferable lowbrow American dullard who needs to see Lagaan before she's worth your time. That always works.

Man, I've been wasting my extensive knowledge of comic book movies. I must now learn to use my newfound powers for good - with great power comes great responsibility.

Javacrucian: For example, you get into a conversation about summer movies and she says that "Spiderman III" was her favorite Spidey movie so far. Instead of being agreeable, look her right in the eye with confidence and tell her that she is so wrong

Better yet, tell her she is an insufferable lowbrow American dullard who needs to see Lagaan before she's worth your time. That always works.

Lagaan? Is that seriously your idea of a highbrow film? Not, you know, 8 1/2, or Life of Oharu, or Days of Heaven, something like that? Lagaan. Huh.

Kublai Khan

I'm not well versed in "highbow" film. From my own lowbrow American dullard POV, Lagaan is fairly exotic. Or Ran, perhaps.

This article is UBERWIN by way of EPIC FAIL.

I got such a laugh out of this:



I can imagine this backfiring on some unwary clown in the most horrible way.

"Could you get me something to drink, please?"

"... you are so wrong."

"Excuse me?"

"Oh, there's no excuse for you. You are *so* wrong."

"I'm thirsty. Please get me a drink while you're out that way."

"You're not thirsty. You are soooooooo wrong."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"SOOOOOOOOOOO WRONG."


Also, there's this nugget of gold from the article:

Before calling a woman, I think about everything she said and then I pick the most juicy topic or opinion and challenge her with it. For example, going back to the example of "Spiderman III," I would text her the next day: "I was thinking U + I need 2 re-watch Spiderman. U R so wrong. Name the time + place + I'll bring the DVD."

She will immediately respond to the challenge and text you back.

Okay. Let's overlook the "ZOMG SPIDEY ROOLZ SPIDEY 3 DROOLZ I'LL BRINGX0RZ TEH DVD ANYTIME SUCKA LOLOLOL" style of that text message for a moment.

If the "most juicy topic" you have to discuss is the Spider-Man movie franchise... that probably doesn't bode well.

1) Be rich
2) Be wealthy
3) Don't be poor

I was thinking U + I need 2 re-watch Spiderman. U R so wrong. Name the time + place + I'll bring the DVD.

I just find out if she's into Battle Royale and BJs. If not, too bad.

If someone sent me a text message like that, I'd avoid them like the plague.

And don't tell me I'm flat out wrong for liking something. That's so arrogant, I'd probably punch you in the face.

/unless it's something obviously horrible
//like Stalin
///or Fergie

I was trying to figure out why i was siting here reading fark.

/off to 7-11 with my new knowledge

You are so wrong! "Slammin Granny in the Fanny IV" is far superior to "Slammin Granny in the Fanny XII".


/ignorant slut

6. Be gay.

Srsly, get yer wimmen-folk to stop hitting on me. It's flattering but it gets old.

/Just kidding. It never gets old.

Step 6: If you have to take dating advice from Yahoo.com (or Fark.com, for that matter) consider a vow of celibacy.

These articles about how to pick up/attract women always miss the point. Men who need to be coached on how to interest a woman for five minutes with a witty remark certainly will be unable to manage her over a relationship. This is like giving job interview advice to a man who totally lacks the skills to hold the job--in the best case you are setting him up to get dumped once his shortcomings become apparent on the job.

I'm female, and all but the text message and the puffed out chest is very good.

Mealy-mouthed guys that are too agreeable and are sure I won't like them are usually right. A guy that challenges me and dares to not kiss up? I'm interested.

Also, please don't wear "the uniform" -- khaki pants and solid shirt. If I wanted a clone I'd dress and act like one, too.

But the above responder is right -- don't text, call. And never, ever text like you're 14 unless you are. Don't put LOL or emoticons in your emails either. Only 14 year olds and 55 year olds do that.

"I'd talk Spiderman with you, woman, but I've got to be at the gym in 26 minutes."

"Scream and I'll shoot"

#5 was "soooo wrong" by telling a guy to text without spelling the whole words ("me + u need 2..."). Makes a man sound like a middle schooler.

southaustin: I'm female, and all but the text message and the puffed out chest is very good.

Mealy-mouthed guys that are too agreeable and are sure I won't like them are usually right. A guy that challenges me and dares to not kiss up? I'm interested.

Also, please don't wear "the uniform" -- khaki pants and solid shirt. If I wanted a clone I'd dress and act like one, too.

But the above responder is right -- don't text, call. And never, ever text like you're 14 unless you are. Don't put LOL or emoticons in your emails either. Only 14 year olds and 55 year olds do that.

Pipe down, lady. You couldn't be more wrong.

5. Maintain the tension.
I was thinking U + I need 2 re-read pro-abortion pamphlets. U R so wrong. Name the time + place + I'll bring the coat hanger.

southaustin: I'm female, and all but the text message and the puffed out chest is very good.

Mealy-mouthed guys that are too agreeable and are sure I won't like them are usually right. A guy that challenges me and dares to not kiss up? I'm interested.

Also, please don't wear "the uniform" -- khaki pants and solid shirt. If I wanted a clone I'd dress and act like one, too.

But the above responder is right -- don't text, call. And never, ever text like you're 14 unless you are. Don't put LOL or emoticons in your emails either. Only 14 year olds and 55 year olds do that.

U + me need 2 hook up :)

This columnist thinks he's a stud because he thought an actual woman looked at him while attending a Spiderman movie with a bunch of his buddies, after which he went home and beat off to the thoughts of that random chick who happened to glance in his direction back in the day.

Wow, loser newspaper columnists are way easy to figure out.

This is a great article, better than what I've seen elsewhere. If all you people dissing the article actually tried out what it's actually saying, maybe you wouldn't have to kill so many kittens every night.

ShannonKW: These articles about how to pick up/attract women always miss the point. Men who need to be coached on how to interest a woman for five minutes with a witty remark certainly will be unable to manage her over a relationship. This is like giving job interview advice to a man who totally lacks the skills to hold the job--in the best case you are setting him up to get dumped once his shortcomings become apparent on the job.

You are SO wrong.

dude, you are so wrong. Batman Begins kicks the crap out of Spiderman III, name the time + place + I'll punch you in your stupid mouth

/i have no problem picking up chicks
//punch in the face bit works every time

klymen: This is a great article, better than what I've seen elsewhere. If all you people dissing the article actually tried out what it's actually saying, maybe you wouldn't have to kill so many kittens every night.

I'm sorry, but before I do, I'd like to see your alternative plan to keep the kitten population from expanding beyond possible control.

DPoem Pipe down, lady. You couldn't be more wrong.

She's got a point. I don't know what caliber women you're landing with some lame ass text messages.

When ever I pick up a girl she'll demand that I put her down.

Then when I insult her she becomes very angry.

I don't understand women & their mixed messages.

FTFA: Most women put more importance on visual clues to assess a man's character. They don't care what you say, as long as you say it without hesitation and with authority.

"I have herpes."

klymen: This is a great article, better than what I've seen elsewhere. If all you people dissing the article actually tried out what it's actually saying, maybe you wouldn't have to kill so many kittens every night.

What exactly is it saying? Be confident and try to stand out. That's the kind of thing that, if you can't figure it out on your own, you certainly won't be able to pull it off because an internet column told you to.

the author is a geek obsessed with spiderman 3

1) Be handsome
2) Be attractive
3) And don't be unattractive

FTFA
"Action speak louder than words."

Q: What to you say to a woman with two black eyes?
A: Nothing she hasn't been told twice already,

/rim shot

ruta:
"I have herpes."

your place, or mine?

Heist: What exactly is it saying? Be confident and try to stand out. That's the kind of thing that, if you can't figure it out on your own, you certainly won't be able to pull it off because an internet column told you to.

So? It's like dismissing an article for saying 2+2 = 4 and then when someone says the article is making sense, you coming out telling me if you don't know 2+2 =4 then you're in position to judge the article.

I'm just saying, there is nothing stupid about that article. Maybe the "U R So wrong" is over the top but the message of the article, especially losing the male pack makes sense.

ultraholland: DPoem Pipe down, lady. You couldn't be more wrong.

She's got a point. I don't know what caliber women you're landing with some lame ass text messages.

Obviously, I'm willing to bet the delightful woman I was responding to is now overwhelmed and giddy with mad excitement that I told her she was so wrong. Soon, she will be emailing me to express her desire to watch Spiderman III with me.

And, if she doesn't, this entire article is freakin' bunk.

#6- Don't tell a girl she's the fattest date you've ever had.



/happened to me once..never recovered.
//apparently, he was into anorexic emo chicks.

So be an semi-arrogant self-absorbed jerk and you'll get phone numbers, like that is new information.

And women wonder why so many men are semi-arrogant self-absorbed jerks.

ultraholland: DPoem Pipe down, lady. You couldn't be more wrong.

She's got a point. I don't know what caliber women you're landing with some lame ass text messages.

Two possibilities.
Possibility 1: Daddy's little girl, (may be well into her forties, but still has the mentality), born well-to-do, smoking hot and stands to inherit a large fortune upon her daddy's deceased. Extraordinarily superficial and spends most of her time on her cell phone.

Possibility 2: Career woman. Stares at "Crack"-berry at all hours, "to get business done". Is amused and suddenly relaxed when flirtatious messages come through.

/ I can haz window seat?
// I want to see the pretty burny bits

southaustin: I'm female, and all but the text message and the puffed out chest is very good.

Pics or it didn't happen
//the female part that is

A - B - C

Always Be Closing.

Meh.

starsrift: I'm sorry, but before I do, I'd like to see your alternative plan to keep the kitten population from expanding beyond possible control.

....
Good point, carry on.

If some dude sent me a text message that looked like that, he would never see me again.

gee this is swell stuff!

Heist: What exactly is it saying? Be confident and try to stand out. That's the kind of thing that, if you can't figure it out on your own, you certainly won't be able to pull it off because an internet column told you to.

Exactly. The advice on confidence is the only part that's worthwhile. The rest is just guidelines for writing sketch comedy.

Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener

And don't forget A-I-D-A!

/Nice ref.

gterz66: Meh.

I lol'd.