Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Business Archives for '2009-03-08 23:59:59'

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Sun March 08, 2009

	Microsoft business model faces BSOD. It's not a bug, it's a feature	(18)
(Some Guy)	Economic catch-22: Until there is private money coming in, credit can't be restored; Until there is rising productivity, private money won't come in; Until credit is restored, there is no chance of rising productivity	(29)
	Reporter loves Hyundai's new motto: "We're in This Together" but still manages to attribute the idea to Honda	(9)
	A thorough investigation into why Circuit City failed. Not mentioned: High prices, poor customer service, crappy employees, too many locations, and a history of pissing off customers	(105)
(WKZO)	A GM bankruptcy could cost taxpayers $50 billion, or twice as much as they're asking for in bailout funds	(67)
	Down in the dumps after losing your job? Don't worry, the Nanny State is here to help. Not with another job, mind you, but with some therapy	(14)
(Autoblog.com)	In the fallout from the Carpocalypse, Bentley craftsmen reduced to making furniture. GM craftsmen reportedly ordered to immediately begin producing gumball machine toys	(15)
	Gaze into your crystal ball, can you see which industry is currently booming?	(29)
(Some Guy)	Nobel Prize winning economist Paul Krugman: Bank nationalization process "as American as apple pie."	(40)
	General Motors turns to blogging to save their company. What could possibly go wrong?	(21)
	Not News: A janitorial position opens up at an Ohio school. News: 700 people apply. Fark: The school system is extending the deadline so more people can apply	(129)

Sat March 07, 2009

	Due to tough economy, Nissan Motor allows full-time employees to moonlight in order to supplement wages. Steeltown girls, maniacs on the floor expected to prosper	(14)
	More than 10% of the stocks in the S&P 500 trade for less than $5	(50)
	Re/Max sues rival real estate agency, Rehava, over logo.."both start with R..If you chop the top off of the H you (almost) have the M in Re/Max. The next letter is an A, and if you take the V then you have half of an X."	(59)
	After 14 state Attorneys General have begun investigations into Circuit City's liquidators' practices, Circuit City announces it will simply close all stores tomorrow	(79)
(Press of Atlantic City)	Snowflakes feel the heat: "Perhaps we are on our way back to the time when not getting fired was all the 'self-esteem building' one could ask for"	(42)
	Ever wonder why Farkers are always using that Not safe for work tag?	(43)
	This week's Friday bank closure is brought to you by Freedom Bank of Georgia. Apparently, Freedom is worth less than a buck o' five	(13)
	Head of central bank of Lebanon bans investment in mortgage-backed securities by Lebanese banks, sparing Lebanon worst of financial crisis. In other news, something good happened in Lebanon	(8)
	Company shares $9 million with its employees...naw, just kidding. The CEO kept it all and fired all....wait, the company really did share $9 million with its employees? Cool tag has never been prouder	(20)

Fri March 06, 2009

(Some Guy)	Corporate to employees: 'We're closing your business'. Employees : Fark you,we're BUYING the business	(19)
	Gold hits $940 an ounce. Shovel, pan, and donkey sales increase	(29)
	Bloomberg finds one honest bank in Minnesota that didn't make subprime loans and hasn't lost money since 1995	(46)
	What would happen if the Dow completely collapsed these days? We're probably gonna find out soon enough	(419)
	Bank of America is really beginning to regret buying Merrill Lynch; "Trading irregularities discovered in Merrill's London trading positions."	(27)
	Urban Outfitters shares continue fall after parents stop giving their kids hundreds of dollars to buy beat up Converse All Stars	(16)
	Hey, laid-off workers. The manager who fired you is having a stressful time too, you selfish pricks	(279)
	Developer plans to sleep in unfurnished, unsold homes in his neighborhoods until 101 homes go under contract. Good luck with that	(59)
	Coca-Cola helps American economy out by adding 80,000 jobs to local plants. Ha, just kidding they invested another 2 billion dollars in China	(87)
	"There is a time for hysteria, and a time when cooler heads should prevail. This is the time for hysteria"	(57)
	Fresh off the Daily Show savaging, here comes CNBC with "Obama is tanking the stock market"	(142)
	Jobless rate expected to hit 7.9%. Michigan seen laughing and pointing, then whipping out its big 11.9% to prove it	(45)
	Drop out of college. Check. Come up with a business plan. Check. Make millions. Not so fast	(23)
	The European Central Bank was heavily invested in Lehman Brothers and all three of Iceland's investment banks. Shhhhhhh, don't tell anyone, but they're all bankrupt	(17)
	T. Boone Pickens thinks he's still relevant. How precious	(38)

Thu March 05, 2009

		Your mail carrier had a nicer house than you	(38)
		Bank of America warns that public disclosure of information about multibillion dollar bonuses it paid could cause grave harm, internal dissension and consternation, severe competitive disadvantage, and shortages of torches and pitchforks	(73)
		Who's deity will reign surpreme? Iron Chef Facebook or Iron Chef Google?	(41)
		You know how conservatives always say layoffs are good for the economy because they boost productivity? Yeah, funny thing about that	(71)
		Countrywide exces who gamed the old system are now gaming the new system	(31)
		Larry Kudlow, who missed all the warning signs while declaring the Bush economy the "Greatest Story Never Told", now says the Obama administration is missing all the signs that the economy is recovering	(41)
		Amazon, sensing the suck caused by GameStop, decides to offer video game trade-ins. This could be a Blockbuster in the making	(59)
		Encouraged by the way Americans are spending money, Target opens 27 new stores across the country	(43)
		Oh fond companion of childhood years, we shall mourn your death. Farewell to thee View_Master and your cardboard disks of optical wonder	(34)
		CNN: "The upside of moving back into your parents' basement". Back?	(194)
		GM finally admits what the rest of the country has known for years: there is "substantial doubt" about the automaker's ability to survive	(106)
		Jon Stewart lays a verbal smackdown on the always incompetent CNBC the likes of which has never been seen before	(181)
		England decides to turn the printers on and run them flat out	(64)
		China vows it will deliver 8% GDP growth in 2009, a unicorn in every stable, a rainbow over every home	(36)
		Deadbeats are more likely to answer a collection call if it's made by a woman with a sexy voice - especially if she has a British accent. "They think Elizabeth Hurley is on the other end."	(93)

Wed March 04, 2009

	Bear Stearns CEO on Tim Geitner: "He's like a flea on his back, floating underneath the Golden Gate Bridge, getting a hard-on, saying, 'Raise the bridge.'" Then it gets more profane	(69)
	And the latest rich and power-hungry corporation to throw a luxury bash while treading on the working man is....the AFL-CIO??	(57)
	Remember yesterday when the stock market hated Obama's plan? Well today the stock market loves his plan	(70)
	Saskatchewan: come for the booming economy, stay for the winters that make Fargo look like Miami and terrain that makes Kansas look like the Rockies	(51)
	Small town pharmacist launches his own version of a stimulus package by giving $16,000 in $2 bills to his employees and then directing them to spend it at local businesses	(42)
	As more people find they can't pay their no-down-payment, adjustable rate, seven-year balloon mortgage on their suburban cookie-cutter mini-mansion, scammers start getting busy	(28)
	Leading international agencies tell automakers to halve emissions by 2050. Automakers respond that they already have emissions, so suck it	(11)
	The Massachusetts lottery will generate $853 million net revenue this year. The state treasurer wants to sell it for $1 billion up front plus $900 million per year for the next 50 years	(29)
	Aaaannnnnd the second shoe drops: Treasury Secretary says tax increases are necessary	(655)
	Bernanke on AIG bailout: "If there's a single episode in this entire 18 months that has made me more angry, I can't think of one"	(61)
	"Honk if you're paying my mortgage" bumper stickers selling faster than the Treasury securities needed to fund the mortgage bailout	(254)
	Spirit Airlines to charge customers a fee to buy a ticket. Not just paper tickets, ANY ticket. No, this isn't from The Onion	(28)
	Recently unemployed? Think the economy sucks where you live? Check out this map of unemployment by county, and see how your area really rates	(74)
	Toys R Us pays $5 million for toys.com domain. In other news, Toys R Us apparently had $5 million	(14)
	India's rise to economic powerhouse status hindered by its failure to prevent people from pooping all over the place	(45)
	Trendy women's store "Forever 21" takes a look around and realizes that fewer and fewer women look like the one in a bikini on their homepage, decide to launch a plus-sized spin-off with sizes up to 21	(56)
(Some Free Hops)	Alabama House approves sale of beer with flavor. Suck it, Anheuser Busch	(55)
(Some Guy)	Former Countrywide executives who helped cause the housing crash form new business that allow them to profit from it	(22)
	Costco and Big Lots profit drops, threatening our nation's God-given right to purchase pallets of oversized tartar sauce drums, and poorly manufactured 99-cent garden decorations	(20)
	RIP Computer Shopper magazine, anyone remember the Hard Edge?	(53)
(pollstar.com)	10:00 am: Go on Ticketmaster.com for best chance at Leonard Cohen tix. 10:03 am - "sold out." 10:12 am - redirect to Ticket Exchange for a huge markup. Ta da	(132)
	Schwarzenegger to the world: "Stop Whining"	(40)
	Redesign of Pepsi logo hard to swallow, much like Pepsi	(57)
	"$300 crude oil could be one year away or three years away, but certainly not much more"	(82)
	Eat Mor Chikin	(18)
	Congress moves one step closer to having you pay your neighbor's mortgage	(315)

Tue March 03, 2009

	MSNBC Live host: "Dow has lost 3,000 points since election day...Obama's killing it" But what about the months before the election when the Dow lost almost 4,000? Pay no attention to that, here's a graph that STARTS in January	(153)
	The European version of GM's Chevy Volt is due to go on sale in Britain in 2012 for $28,000, although the U.S. version will cost $35,000. To prevent re-imports, they plan to install the steering wheel on the wrong side	(29)
	Although Chrysler sales dropped 44% in February, the company remains optimistic, delusional	(25)
	Bernie Madoff's wife tries Jedi defense to keep her $62 million, says "these are not the embezzled funds you're looking for"	(83)
	Carly Fiorina adds "not getting cancer" to "running Hewlett-Packard" and "helping John McCain get elected" on the list of things she doesn't do very well	(132)
	Problem: You make too much money and you're going to suffer under Obama's tax plan. Solution: Cut your business to make less money	(601)
	One of Madoff's ponzi scheme victims is college professor who wrote book on gullibility	(25)
	Toyota seeks emergency funding of $2 billion from the Japanese Government. No word yet on how this is the UAW's fault, but the story is still developing	(49)
	Town council tells loudspeaker repair shop, which has been there ten years, to keep the noise down after building a library next door	(23)
	To raise revenue, Boston subway lets Clear Channel show ads to commuters. To avoid annoying its own customers, those ads are on billboards facing the highway	(18)
	Struggling bank Citigroup Inc. said Tuesday that it will lower mortgage payments for some homeowners to an average of $500 a month for three months as part of a new program to help the unemployed	(38)
	Volkswagen announces that it will make a profit in 2009. In other news, profit does not mean what Volkswagen thinks it means	(65)
(Some Guy)	With pullout of multiple partners, Virgin may lose status	(13)
	Remember how Stanford Financial was a $50 billion investing giant? Yeah, turns out investors will be lucky to get back $0.05 on the dollar	(32)
	ATTN: CEOs from every other company, this is how you do it: GE's CEO takes the blame for his company's tarnished reputation. No excuses, no BS, just the facts, Jack	(46)
	Your 20s are a horrible time to be unemployed. Women are starting to judge you based on how much money you have, your student loans are due, weed prices are going up, and Mom is making noises about charging you rent to stay in the basement	(149)

Mon March 02, 2009

	New report says U.S. car sales may not recover this year. Or the next. Or the next. Or the next. Or maybe ever	(79)
	Newspapers will be gone in a) one year, b) five years, c) forty years, d) what's a newspaper?	(56)
	AIG burning through taxpayer money at $460,000 per minute. Will soon receive an additional $30 billion in aid under "more lenient" terms than before	(157)
	The economy is so bad that people are having their torn clothes mended and their broken electronics repaired instead of throwing them away and buying new stuff. The horror	(57)
	CEO of government owned Freddie Mac resigns less than a year after taking office. You'll start to notice a trend here	(21)
	GM puts on mustache, uses German accent, asks German government for money	(28)
	Many restaurants allowing customers to swipe their own ID cards, so that douchebag waiter who wouldn't refill your Pepsi won't steal your credit card number	(391)
(Some TSA Guy)	TSA screeners' tears to exceed 3.5 oz if denied collective bargaining rights	(74)
	Dow drops below 7,000 for first time since 1997	(810)
	Businessman plans to re-open chain of Crazy Eddie stores. That's IN-SAAANE	(19)
	Asian markets in major selloff Monday morning, with Nikkei and Hang Seng off by nearly 4%. Jesus wept	(90)
	Jeremy Clarkson unveils plan to save small retailers: Fire the ugly female clerks. "Pretty girls cost the same to employ as ugly ones, and nobody likes to be served by a boot-faced crow"	(60)
(Some Guy)	Caterpillar employee, slated for layoff fired; denied unemployment for smoking at the end of shift	(45)