Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Business Archives for '2009-01-11 23:59:59'

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Sun January 11, 2009

		Hybrids don't make any sense when gas is $2/gallon. Lawl u n00bs that bought hybrids suxxors, omw to my SUV buhbai	(53)
		The five types of workers companies look to keep during layoffs. Subby concerned jaded and insolent failed to make the cut	(67)
		Dell introduces new Luxury brand. "Your recession does not frighten us."	(47)
		Hyundai takes coveted Car of the Year award. At the Detroit auto show. GM vows revenge, threatens to unleash their vast armies of auto engineers to re-engineer kimchi	(152)
		Vonage: "We will cancel your account if you hang up on us." Woo-hoo, woo-hoo-hoo	(52)
		"It has been said that 'youth is wasted on the young'. In the past few decades, many of us agreed. But today's youth envy those of us of a certain age - at least those with successful careers, or even steady job"	(45)

Sat January 10, 2009

	"I know what you're thinking: barter is useless. But you are mistaken. An astonishingly large proportion of the global trade in goods and services is barter-based, to protect traders against alarming currency fluctuations"	(37)
(Autoblog)	People not buying enough American cars? Ask for a bailout, purchase Nissans, change logos, sell car for less. TADAAAMM	(30)
	Providing the U.S. with a glimpse of the future of the greenback, Zimbabwe introduces the $50 billion note	(55)
	Martini aficionados harrumph over reports that vermouth maker Noilly Prat is changing its formula to emphasize sugary sweet floral scent	(34)
	Michigan ponders selling entire state to China in exchange for cash, the way it once sold Toledo to Ohio in exchange for Upper Penninsula	(48)
(Some Guy)	Judge recommends Six Flags be allowed to sell beer. Park goers can expect ridiculous prices and longer waiting times to offset extra cleaning crews needing to hose off rides after each go-round	(33)
	You know the global economy's really in trouble when the Germans start drinking less beer. EVERYBODY PROSIT	(11)
	British boat industry buoyed by exchange rate, forcing Americans to sink or swim as they drown their sorrows while trying to keep an even keel	(4)
	Toyota plans to add free audio spam as an option on future Lexus models	(7)
	Having destroyed the economy, overextended homeowners reap their reward	(50)
	Facing geopolitical catastrophe, the rich turn to gold bars, overlooking far safer investments like bullets and canned goods	(92)
	Dumpster diving goes online	(9)
	Morgan Stanley close to taking over Smith Barney. There can be only one... brokerage firm	(13)
	Church's Chicken is another company bucking the trend and making money. "We stayed true to the no-frills positioning of good authentic real fried chicken, comfort food at a great value"	(57)

Fri January 09, 2009

	First entries trickling in for Wishful Thinking Statement of the Year: Massive unemployment is a good for the economy	(20)
	Use this handy dandy MSNBC map to watch unemployment rise across the country	(152)
	European Commission wants to probe Aer Lingus, may snatch support for takeover, set tongues wagging	(14)
	Congress shocked, SHOCKED that its $700 billion no strings attached TARP doesn't have any strings attached	(100)
(Some Tri-Cities Guy)	Washington company unveils "Labor Dome" to house migrant farmworkers. Six men enter... six men leave for work the next morning	(32)
	Circuirt City in talks with "two interested parties" - the IRS and the Grim Reaper	(15)
	GameStop says it's beaten the recession, sales are up, driven by pre-orders of Wii Battletoads	(60)
	Today's 6.7% unemployment would actually be almost 16.5% if unemployment were still measured as it was before 1960s	(243)
	For a low price you could own the one of the largest newspapers in Seattle, and a big globe	(14)
	Attention DC residents trying to make mad money on inauguration rentals: Another housing market bubble has burst	(20)
	His name is Henry Failure. His name is Henry Failure. His name is Henry Failure	(21)
	The recesssion is causing so many people to drink, even Foster's wine division is making a profit	(19)

Thu January 08, 2009

(Some Sneaker Fiend)	Michael Jordan officially unveils his latest "reason for kids to shoot each other for overpriced sneakers" piece (tag is for Suggested Retail Price)	(108)
	US prosecutors say Bernie Madoff's desk contained $173 million in just written checks, large pile of sticky tissues	(19)
	Ruby Tuesday plans to close 40 stores on news that their food sucks and is too expensive	(59)
	Audi defies the carpocalypse, has record-setting year. Still no cure for realizing the kind of trim that picks up	(29)
	In a sign that the apocalypse is surely upon us, Wal-Mart cuts fourth-quarter earnings outlook, revisits "no shirt, no shoes" policy	(21)
	The Bank of England has cut its interest rate to its lowest point since 1694. No, that's not a typo	(105)
	Starbucks buys $45 million corporate jet to cope with tough times in coffee trade, says canceling order would have been too expensive, and anyway it comes with two coffeemakers	(25)
	New Yorkers paying hypnotist hundreds of dollars for a trance to feel like they're rich, ignore those pesky TPS reports	(64)
	Chicago lawyer Ari Madoff thinking about changing the slogan of his law firm: "Madoff, the most trusted name in securities law." Probably not a bad idea	(18)
	Lenovo deletes 2,500 entities	(21)
	Not even China wants to touch toxic U.S. debt anymore	(85)

Wed January 07, 2009

		Oil drops to $43 per barrel on news that we have 1.5 million more barrels of the stuff than we thought we did	(41)
		Porn producers go limp in hard times, join bailout line	(88)
		India software firm overstated earnings by $1 billion. Damn, even fraud has been outsourced	(55)
		There are numerous signs that the economy is recovering all on its own, so maybe we shouldn't be air-dropping taxpayer-funded bundles of $1000 bills from B-52s	(74)
		Staples gift cards not accepted on Staples.com. Where's your easy button now?	(26)
		As the credit crunch makes dollars harder to get, more and more communities are launching their own alternative currencies	(28)
		Speaking frankly, hot-dog man doesn't relish paying over $350,000 a year for his stand while competitor, a veteran, pays nothing, but hopes to ketchup in revenues anyway	(33)
		You're a lumberjack and you're not okay - it's the most dangerous job in America, apart from "guy who stands between Chuck Schumer and a microphone"	(33)
		Fed to America: Don't quit your day job	(60)
		The poor economy is making it tough to support yourself as an Elvis impersonator in Vegas. "Fifteen years ago, if you was going to struggle, this was the town to struggle in."	(39)
		Larry Flynt says his good name in adult entertainment is being cheapened by his relatives' poor porn movies	(17)

Tue January 06, 2009

	Bank of America CEO, Kenneth Lewis is recommending that he and his top executives receive no bonuses for 2008, saying he expects the bank's final results to be below expectations. The understatement is strong in this one	(43)
	Alcoa cuts 13,500 jobs. They who smelt it, dealt it	(39)
	If you have any KB Toys gift cards you should hurry to the nearest store and use them yesterday	(28)
(Some Outbacks Sold)	Subaru obviously didn't get the memo, posts sales increase for 2008	(81)
	Analysts who predicted $150 oil six months ago and $25 oil two weeks ago are now predicting $150 oil again	(55)
	U.S. insurance giant CIGNA gooses 1,100 employees	(16)
	American millionaires see 30 percent decline in wealth. Government no longer needs to bailout tiny violin industry	(60)
	Best Buy lures iPhone purchasers with lower priced used models, with nude pics of previous owner intact	(95)
	Remeber those retail store closings we were joking about last week? Well here's #1	(61)
	Treasury says TARP costs $26.55 million through January, but they can refold it and use it next year, so it's all good	(25)
	German businessman throws himself under a train. No, that's not a metaphor	(32)
(Some Guy)	General Motors kills reinvented 2010 Pontiac G8 ST muscle car out of fears it would finally be selling a car people would actually want to buy (pic)	(85)
	People who locked into heating-oil contracts when prices were at record highs last year are feeling pretty stupid today	(52)
(Some Guy)	Canadian retailers expanding into the U.S. called "a recipe for disaster" as no one down there wants ketchup chips, round bacon or milk that's sold in bags	(55)
	Oil approaches $50 a barrel on news that Israel has opened a can of whoop-ass on Hamas	(18)
(Cato-at-Liberty)	If spending stops a recession, shouldn't the economy be booming because of the Bush stimulus checks, tax cuts, and massive government spending of the past few years?	(187)
	Remember everybody saying how Manhattan was immune to the housing slump rocking the rest of the country? Funny thing about that	(36)
	Ryanair hopes to get final licks in on Aer Lingus following extended period	(8)
	Porsche completes their financial blitzkrieg on Volkswagen. They were invited. Punch was served	(22)
	Old and busted: Chrysler shutting down production due to poor sales. New hotness: Toyota shutting down production due to poor sales	(29)
	Free public access cable channels are going away. All I have to say about that is "asphinctersayswhat"	(103)
	Book publishers are beginning to feel the pangs of recession, Michael Crichton's death	(30)
	Hard economic times are causing people to save money, thus aggravating the nation's economic woes	(65)

Mon January 05, 2009

		And the latest business sector hit by the bad economy is: family burial plots	(21)
		Surging banana prices send shoppers scrambling for phallic fruit alternatives	(34)
		Grocery store: "We expect you to work Sundays." Christian woman: "Help, I'm being oppressed."	(88)
		New Hyundai incentive allows you to return your car if you lose your job. You know, assuming you can get a loan in the first place	(21)
		Cadillac unveils new model to compete with other luxury SUVs in the "Which can sit on the dealer's lot the longest?" competition	(28)
		Apple stock up 4.5% on news that Steve Jobs has a hormone imbalance. Ford CEO set to announce he has the clap	(17)
		McDnoald's, Bucksstar Coffee and Pizza Huh all open in China's newest knock-off shopping center. It's not news, it's Frak.cn	(212)
		US Airways now taking Mommie Dearest approach to cut costs	(13)
		How to keep your job. "Quit wasting time on Fark" conspicuously absent	(23)
		Old and busted: being fired from your job by email. New hotness: fired over Facebook (pic)	(20)
		The Bernard Madoff Million Dollar Raffle starts today (prizes not included)	(2)
		Ford sales drop 32% in December. ♫ Has ANYONE driven a Ford lately? ♫	(73)
		Steve Jobs says he's been diagnosed with a hormone imbalance, which could affect his iMmune system	(61)
		Oil nears $46 a barrel on news that Steve Jobs is not dying	(10)
		The American economy is so bad that Walgreens' sales grew 10.8% in December	(35)
		New York Times sells advertising on its front page for first time, prompting howls of outrage from subscribers who say they pay a monthly fee and shouldn't have to look at ads	(30)
		"You know, at one time there must've been dozens of companies making player-piano rolls. And I'll bet the last company around was the one that made the best goddamn player-piano roll you ever saw"	(28)
		Universal sells Rogue to Relativity, in what sounds like a pretty superhero-ish plotline until you realize they're all movie production studios	(3)
		Recession causes sagging business for breast-enhancement surgeons, resulting in drooping profits; docs fear a complete bust soon. Boobies	(100)
		Congress may abolish SEC after failing to discover Madoff. If only they would take this approach towards Homeland Security and the DEA	(86)
		Pubic-hair dye company all wigged out that rival snatched its logo, shaving its sales and trimming its profits	(16)
		If you picked Waterford Crystals as the next company to file bankruptcy, step up and claim your prize	(31)
		When you're looking to assign blame for things like the Madoff scandal, remember: Don't blame the SEC. It's not their fault. Look somewhere else, like that Harold fella in the cube next to you. He's a shifty one, that Harold	(14)